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Re: Breakup Advice
May 18, 2006
Hi CyberNick

It sounds as if this break-up is going to be hard for your partner to accept no matter how you go about it, but I would encourage you not to make it any harder for her than it needs to be. Having said that, once you have made the break I don't think you can help her through the process of letting go. If you do give in to her pleas for you to return to her, or support her, you will just be giving her false hopes.

So if you are sure you really want out of this relationship then I would suggest you choose the time and place carefully. If she is in the middle of her exams, maybe you could leave the final goodbye until they are over, or at least make the break-up at a point when she doesn't have anything very pressing around for a few days. You might also want to think about who she has around for support - a friend, relative, etc, and choose a moment when they will be 'there for her'.

I would suggest you be honest with her and say that the relationship is just not right for you anymore.

Your g/f may well press you for explanations and say: "why what's wrong with me? etc, but my advice is not to get into trying to explain things in those terms because she may well make promises of : "I will change" or she may flip straight into blaming herself. If you take full responsibility and say the relationship is just not right for you, then you are being honest and who is to say there isn't someone just round the next corner for her who will see her needs, and the way in which she expresses them, in a different way?

From what you say, it does sound as if she might feel insecure in the relationship, but that could be down to her past, or it might be that in some ways the relationship you have is not right for her either but she keeps clinging to hope. However, as you want 'out' of the relationship, the last thing you want to do is get into trying to be her relationship counsellor.

Breaking up is very hard to do - sounds like a song title I know - but it is, and because of that many people make a complete botch of it by doing it over the phone, leaving a message, or perhaps avoiding the issue completely while drifting into another relationship and so end up cheating.

Anyway Nick I hope the above helps a little, it isn't going to be easy and you need to keep in mind that you're neither a 'saint' or a 'sinner' but just a decent guy who's doing the right thing by being straight with your g/f, and that in the longer term it will be the best thing for both of you as it will allow you both the opportunity for being with the right person.

So be honest but with sensitivity (that is the hard one I know) and stay firm if she tries to use high emotion as a way of drawing you back into a relationship that is not right for either of you. It probably will take some time for her to recover and move on, but that's not so unusual and 'no contact' may well help her in moving through the process of letting go emotionally.

Good luck!

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