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Re: My new plan
May 22, 2006
Thanks White Lily,

You are exactly right about everything you said, and yes, I just don't think this J guy is up to my standards. He's too busy or independent or selfish or whatever, but I think he crosses the fine line between having his own life and just being rude sometimes, and that isn't acceptable to me. So I figure we can be friends if he wants, if not, then whatever...I actually did go ahead and sent an email out to about fifty people I know from high school, college, and randomly (I'm 24 now). I'm going to have a party this weekend and another one jointly with my best girl friend the weekend after, and since I'm not seriously interested in any one guy, I'm going to invite all of the ones I still like for entertainment and just in case I decide to recycle someone. I tend to do that, hook up with and hang out with the same dozen or so men I've known forever, just the same ones over and over with some random guys sprinkled in for variety. But actually, that may not be the worst way to play it now, since I'm not looking for just one guy and I'm wanting to have fun and party all summer with old friends.

Plus, there is one man in particular who is the only one who ever really stood up to me emotionally and intellectually, part of me still loves/hates him, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he felt the same judging from how he's reacted every time we've been together since we split way back in high school. If I could have my pick of men, I just might pick him again despite the fact that he was the first guy I really experimented with sexually and there have been quite a few since that have seriously distracted me. But I have no idea about how to get him back, other than calling him up and saying, hey, I'm really sorry I was such a jerk and especially sorry I hurt you by messing around...I miss you if you know what I mean...so when are you coming back into town? His name is H, I might be bringing him up again...getting in touch with all my old friends is lots of fun but also brings up possibly too many possibilities! Yikes...anyway thanks guys, I will keep you posted.
Re: My new plan
May 23, 2006
oh no i spoke too soon! i don't know, i keep going back and forth, yikes! i might be getting in way over my head here. i have to have some patience and proceed methodically, one thing at a time. though now i'm conflicted again because stupid old J called, and he was all like wanting to act boyfriendish about this weekend. of course he wants to come to the party and he even wants to come out of town with me after that when i go visit my family's resort. we shall have to see all about that...he'll have to make a reservation, because while he can still reasonably expect to be in my starting lineup, he can't possibly expect to be the only guy in my life if he's so busy with his own life that i only talk to him and see him once or twice a week. especially since we've never talked about any exclusivity, and i think he knows me well enough to know not to press me on it until he's willing to make the necessary sacrifices.

but just when i was thinking about our conversation, we talked for like half an hour, i came home and alas an email from my ex H (as mentioned above, he's just like mr. big for me). apparently he is coming back to the city i'm in, where we went to high school together, and has a job all lined up and everything. part of me is SO INCREDIBLY excited because i can't help it, i love him still in some ways and he excites me like no one has ever since. part of me is thinking OH NO PANIC TIME this is bad news, because i know exactly what will happen between us. the same old thing, and it has already started, yikes. i guess i knew this would happen and i wanted it to happen, as i love to have options, but i still can't help thinking i might not be ready for all of this at once. please help me.
Re: My new plan
May 23, 2006
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Stacy, regarding your ex, if you really feel compelled to get in touch with him, and you were the one who broke his heart, I think there's no way around it but to make that phonecall. But first I think you'd need to clarify in your mind why it is that you're seeking to reestablish contact with him. Do you want to possibly get back together? Do you want to just touch base and find out how he's doing and catch up on each other's lives? Do you want to be casual friends? Or do you want him to be a part of your 'guy harem'? ;) I think especially if you hurt him in the past, it would be better to have an idea what your motivation for seeking him out again is. Then based on that, you'd know better how to procede.[/QUOTE]

Tigerlily, I think you are right on target about friends vs. buddies. They are both fun and good to have, but they are definitely two separate groups. Once I know I can't totally count on someone I don't forget that and I certainly don't treat them as a true friend. Far too many people are just too nice in my opinion and get taken advantage of by the users of the world as a result...it's not their fault, but it is within their control to some degree. It's so key to be tough about who you let be a special part of your life.

And Sophia, the more I think about my ex H, the more I remember how much I loved him, how much chemistry we had, how we had the most incredible sex life ever, and how much we know about each other. Yes, I want him back, I really really really do, but I don't want to admit it because it might not happen then. I don't know what he wants or expects from me, probably to hang out and see what happens, but I just can't resist him at all. Part of me has always been SO in love with him because he really stands up to me, challenges me, makes me mad, but also makes me feel happy and understood. Then the rest of me has always been immature and rebellious and wanted to run around with other men, but to H's credit, he seems to understand me and not judge me or cut me out of his life. At least not so far, and I am a lot more honest, upfront, respectful, and not hurtful now than I have been in the past. So here's what I'd like to happen...we get together, we play some game or sport like always, we fight, it's foreplay, then you know. I think that's totally feasible based on past experience if only I can play my cards right and be nice, but not too nice, and that if things go well, it's not out of the question that there could be another chance for us. Maybe I'm just thinking hopelessly optimistically, as I can't imagine being able to bow down and ask him for another chance. So much drama, but i can't complain, because I did it and because deep down right now anyway I love it.

To give you an example of our interactions I will borrow from my my space page where I posted up some especially humorous quotes from yearbooks/emails...this is the kind of way we used to, and still do, relate. Maybe I'm messed up in the head for being crazy for this guy, but for better or worse, he seems to feel more or less the same way.

So here goes:

What can I say to sum up the year except to borrow some of your most memorable words: but *****! Come on!!! or Im bored, do something about it! or It doesnt matter what you do, your paper will still suck or will you carry my books please h****, they clash with my dress and so on and so forth. This summer will be cool. also, youre my baby, dont let anyone tell you different. You are also very cute when you get angry which means you're always cute. I just know this year wouldnt have been as fun without you and neither will next year. Maybe next year though you could not get mad at me as much, I would appreciate that. Yeah, you've got points baby, Ill give you that, you can redeem them anytime at your local convenience store. Take it easy...H


11/11/02
stacy
your shortness is a credit to phildelphians everywhere and a midget contest with you leading the way is the only contest they could win. when i get back on thanksgiving i will beat you at 2k3 although i have never played it, and any other game you want, and it is you that quits all of our games or contests in one form or another becaue you know you will lose, i aslo notice
you are never on im anymore because you know i will just talk **** to you and youll have to take it, and you never could
h


1/28/03
hahahahaha
"i hope you choke on keyshawn johnson's ****"
this deserves a place in our qoute hall of fame next too, "no sex just talk" and "why dont you ask me a fun question." im sorry about philly but deep down you knew they were going to lose, they had to its just the way it is, so remember you always have the flyers
h****

----- Original Message ----
Sent: Tuesday, January 21, 2003 7:13 PM
i hope you choke on keyshawn johnson's ****. and that you fail all your exams. i was expecting something like this from you but this is such a terrible catastrophe that not even you could possibly make me feel any worse.
thanks, stacy


2/6/03
short short,
i did NOT have it coming, you dont understand i did nothing, NOTHING, i was just better that you at mariokart and you couldnt take it, not to mention that i was and am better than you at everything else except writing and reading. did you see those flyers get trounced by the wild the other day, great moment, along with the sixers going down youve had a great couple of weeks. anyway i gotta run hope all is well, H


5/9/03
shorty
the good old wild, i stayed up til almost 130 my time to watch the game instead doing either one of my two 15 pagers last night, it was beautiful, at least i still have one team to root for, what are u going to do in new york?, im going to be in boston until the 8th, then i come home for a month then im going to australia, now i have to get back to drinking
h

-- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, May 03, 2003 8:25 PM
Subject: i thought you were going to ask me a fun question
hi, i'm on my way to getting drunk all thanks to the flyers. sorry i haven't gloated in awhile, i've had four million things to do for school but now i am just about completely done which means life, once again, can be devoted to all the fun things. did you win at nationals? congratulations henry i am surprised you are able to fight your laziness and love of drinking enough to play sports. rugby, right? although if its anything like here i bet you get to do plenty of drinking. my high from the red wings loss is fading as the flyers blow it over and over again. the wild are going nowhere, way to have minnesota pride anyway though. are you going to be on the east coast this summer? i am going to new york. keep in touch > love stacy


12/10/03
heres a poem for you
you are short
and not tall
your eagles are winning
but they soon will fall
damn im good, im a poet and i dont even know it, dont stress out about school its not worth it, and i dont know what drama is going on in your life but its probably not worth it either, of course i sent your mom a thank you card, i always try to do that especially for her who does so many nice things for me(unlike her daughter....just kidding), anyway if you are feeling to special and perfect and need to be deflated or cut down and just generally ridiculed and beaten in every conversation/competition/get riledup like no one else can do, gimme a call you know the number babe, otherwise ill talk to you later, H-----

Original Message Sent: Monday, December 09, 2002 9:21 PM
Subject: Re: The eagles are still winning > look, i don't even need to change the subject. i've been waiting all my life for the eagles to play this well. how are you? i am one step from self-destructing at this point, way too much work and way too much drama in my life. is it possible that i am crazy? don't answer that. i miss talking to you
Re: My new plan
May 24, 2006
Wow, Stacy--what a coincident that H emailed just when you were wishing to get in contact with him! Amazing! So, at least you have that step out of the way :) Yeah, just see what happens. It does seem like you have incredible chemistry together, and that's hard to give up. I had this chemistry with my ex; haven't heard from him in 8 months now, and lately I've started to think about him more, for some reason. I can relate to what you're saying about being challenged, and almost hating the person at times, but also loving him, desiring him, "getting" each other's sense of humor, and all the other intense emotions. Once you experienced something like that, it's so boring to just date someone for the sake of dating. This French guy whom I've known for a while now has been making strong advances on me, and even though I like him on some level and even find him attractive, I just don't feel any chemistry, and he doesn't understand my attempts at playful banter, etc.--he interprets everything literally. It's hard to find a true connection, I'm telling you. Who knows, maybe this H guy is your soulmate after all? Let me know how things develop with your admirers :)
Re: My new plan
May 24, 2006
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Wow, Stacy--what a coincident that H emailed just when you were wishing to get in contact with him! Amazing! So, at least you have that step out of the way :) Yeah, just see what happens. It does seem like you have incredible chemistry together, and that's hard to give up. I had this chemistry with my ex; haven't heard from him in 8 months now, and lately I've started to think about him more, for some reason. I can relate to what you're saying about being challenged, and almost hating the person at times, but also loving him, desiring him, "getting" each other's sense of humor, and all the other intense emotions. Once you experienced something like that, it's so boring to just date someone for the sake of dating. This French guy whom I've known for a while now has been making strong advances on me, and even though I like him on some level and even find him attractive, I just don't feel any chemistry, and he doesn't understand my attempts at playful banter, etc.--he interprets everything literally. It's hard to find a true connection, I'm telling you. Who knows, maybe this H guy is your soulmate after all? Let me know how things develop with your admirers :)[/QUOTE]

Hey Sophia, yeah the whole connection/chemistry thing is so addictive and maddening! It drives me nuts how this one guy was smart enough to figure out how to keep me interested all this time, and here I am again in the same position--it's definitely feeling like deja vu. But I so know what you mean about the boredom involved in dating someone who doesn't get you or do anything with you...as the satc girls would say, someone who is just good on paper. As for the French guy, it sounds like you're not that into him, but maybe you could still have some fun together? That one I would say just trust your instincts as far as whether there's any potential with him and whether you'd rather be spending time alone or with other guys. Just remember that you have a ton to offer any lucky man who gets a shot at you and that you have a right not to accept anything less than someone with whom you feel a real connection. Sometimes it takes time for that to grow, though, so I don't really know. Ah, men can make life so complicated, but also so fun...

Wormie you bring up an excellent point too, and part of me wonders why I still have it so bad for my ex. It certainly makes it easier to avoid moving forward and taking a risk with a new guy, but I also wonder if I'm just unwilling to let my ex go because I actually want to be with him. I guess only time will tell? I need to be patient and not get too ahead of myself here; after all, I'm only assuming that he's open to what I want because I want him to want me back! It could just be wishful thinking. Also, he might not want to be involved with me again considering everything we've been through, especially since originally I kind of left him for someone else :nono:. On the other hand, he doesn't HAVE to keep in touch with me, so I think I'll see what he wants and see if I'm okay with it. So far the timing hasn't been right for us but you never know...oh dear, well I guess this is okay, I'm glad to have different options, it all just makes me so nervous/excited/uncertain, you know?
Re: My new plan
May 26, 2006
Yikes Eve, you are right, that is truly evil! I don't know if I can hold out unless I reevaluate some things. So I broke down and called the ex, left a message, which I think he'll return if he's good about that like email. I don't know what is going to happen but in some ways it makes sense to back off with ALL of them until I reevaluate what I want and who I could be happy with. It's a terrible habit of mine to get overinvolved with one guy before I am ready so maybe taking a few steps back is a good idea...I think I will do that actually and play this weekend, along with the next few, by ear. I hate the idea of not getting any play whatsoever though! But I guess I will have to work on that and realize not everyone is like me...
Re: My new plan
May 27, 2006
Yeah I called him and like he always does, I'm sure he'll wait until just the exact wrong moment to call me back. He has this uncanny ability to know exactly how to act in order to make me both most interested in him and most frustrated at the same time. Anyway I will keep you all posted on that situation, obviously something or another will happen at some point in the future, but for the time being, I'm going to try not to worry about it. Ultimately I know that whatever is going to happen will happen.

This is complicated by me not knowing where I want to live, knowing that would help me figure out which guy(s) might be best for me to be involved with. So I think Eve, you're right, I should just take some time without getting anymore serious with any one guy until I have things figured out better. Things are still the same with J, he's busy, but we talk pretty regularly...he seems not to expect anything more than what I can give him now, so I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. But yeah, I'm sick of stressing out about boys! They have many wonderful qualities but they aren't worth being confused and nervous and everything.

Thanks Lisa! How are you doing? Do you have any fun plans this weekend? I'm not sure how the party would turn out, but I know it would have been a lot more fun if you would come along with some of the other people here :). I could definitely use some cute, fun, smart girls like you and Sophia to balance out the numbers a little, but hopefully things will go okay tonight...ok thanks again, I will keep you posted. :wave:





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