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I need some encouragement, someone to give me advice, opinions, something. It is another one of my moments where I feel like a mess.

So I need to end the casual sex thing I'm in and Ive finally realized it. The guy first texted me-at 2:30 am-telling me he was in the city. He does not live here. I was pissed because it was obviously a booty call, and while some of you may say "what do you expect given the situation you are in", we have always hung out together and done dinner and things like that and its been respectful, so this was not his usual thing. We talk on the phone and I always felt like he also typically enjoyed me as a person. Plus, every time hes come up here or vice versa, he's always made it known ahead of time and given me notice so we could hang out. So this proved me way wrong.

I was pretty pissed- plus he woke me up. I ignored him, but he kept calling and told me he was coming over and 'wanted to cuddle'. Yeah right. It would be fine if we lived in the same city, I probably wouldnt care, but the fact that we dont and rarely see each other, I was just irritated by that. He said he didnt know that he was coming, but he has a cell phone,its not like he 'didnt have time to call' to let me know he was traveling the 4.5 hours to come up here.

Anyway, I told him he couldnt come over and was sort of ticked off- he apologized profusely (he was very drunk). I told him to call me tomorrow and let me know of his plans.

Well, he didnt. So I texted him telling him not to call me at 2 am and try to meet up. He called me ack telling me it was an impromptu "guys weekend" and sorry for calling last night.Which asically means he didnt want to see me tonight. This is why Im upset- Im upset at myself for caring about all of this. Why cant I just not care? Ive realized that he is making me increasingly insecure and on the defense, and Im already a mess because my recent ex tore my heart out and stomped on it and I already feel fd up over that and am in counseling. I guess I thought that this guy actually found me attractive in bed AND in personality, which is stupid I guess. Im beating myself up over this, for making myself vulnerable when I should be doing everything to make myself strong. Ive never done this casual sex thing and I just went from feeling like the queen of my ex's world to feeling like nothing overnight because of what he did, and now this guy has made me feel insecure on top of that.

Again, I know everyone is going to say "what did you expect". And that is why Im upset. I just feel very stupid. I actually really did enjoy the sex and hanging out with the guy, but yet I still want to be treated a certain way. I want him to want me for more than that. Thats not why I went into this (it was alcohol I guess), but lately Ive started wanting that. Right now (and I sound so pathetic saying this because it really isn't typically me) I almost feel like my worth depends on a guy wanting me, because my ex didnt even mourn losing me and he was 'going to marry me', so he said. I know a lot of it is due to what happened to me. My ex was disapproving of my past and life choices just because I wasn't a virgin,I drank and things like that,and I think I always felt like I had to measure up to him. He was the first guy that I finally thought, 'wow he really finally sees all the special things I have to offer someone". Most guys just say 'you're hot' and want me for one thing.Then my ex goes and does what he did. I actually had a dream last night that he told me his new girlfriend was the love of his life and that he was wrong when he said he loved me.

I just feel so defensive and overprotective of myself lately and I feel like Im going neurotic. I even called the guy back and told him that i was pissed over his call, and he told me I was 'overreacting', which made me feel worse because halfway through the call I realized it was pointless to tell him how I felt, for hoping that he would care.

Im generally happy in my life, but why did I let myself get inthis mess and actually start to care about how this guy treats me? I dont have feelings for the guy,yet I cant deal with it when he treats me like just a piece of __. I apparantly am too fragile to deal with this right now. I even feel neurotic writing this. My friend said Im being too hard on myself and that this situation isn't good for me and I need to get over my ex in time and that this distraction was not a 'good distraction'. I went from being loved more than anything (so I thought), had it stripped from me without warning with no care from my ex,and now Im just a booty call sex object to someone for the last 4 months when I thought he actually somewhat enjoyed hanging out with me too (of course,we both like the sex overall. I just thought we also enjoyed each others' company on a small level. Its obvious I guess I just enjoyed his company and not vice versa.). I feel so messed up. Sorry for venting so much.





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