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To me, it sounds as if this woman is insecure AND resents you for not ending the communication with other women you were dating sooner. I know another poster said that nine months to end communication with people you dated is a long time, and I agree. If you asked this woman to move out of state with you, why would you keep in touch with women that meant nothing to you/ you had casual relationships with? I hope you don't take that offensively, but to me, that doesn't make sense. It sounds like the woman you are with probably had insecurity issues BEFORE she started dating you, but I think the phone calls/emails in the beginning made it worse, and now she's honestly afraid to put all of her trust into you. Even if the communication with other women was just platonic, the woman you are with now probably still felt threatened, because here you two are moving all the way out of state together to start a serious relationship, yet you didn't automatically "cut your ties."

As for the violence, as I'm sure you know, that's definitely never healthy. She should NEVER throw things at you/attack you, but I suppose without lack of proper communication for a long period of time, fights can escalate to these heights. I'm not saying it's right, though--that should stop immediately.

You said that you guys were friends for 3 years before you started dating and became intimate after the first year and then after the third year of being friends/friends with benefits, YOU DECIDED to finally make a committment to this girl. To me, this says that the woman you are with wanted to be with you all along, but you just weren't ready for a serious relationship. Since you guys were intimate, it's very possible that the woman was very attached to you throughout the three years, and now she resents just being a "friend with benefits" in the beginning. It's very possible that she feels like you grudgingly became seriously committed to her, especially since you kept in contact with other women for so long after you started a serious relationship with the woman you're with. Her insecurity sounds like it might be fueled by being a friend with benefits in the beginning, AND because you didn't FULLY committ to this woman right away after moving with her. This could really cause resentment.

You said that you have caught in in little "white lies." It is rather inappropriate for her to communicate with her ex-husband if they don't have kids together (in my opinion), but I think since the big issues in your relationship haven't been resolved, every LITTLE issue is coming up to make things worse. I hope that makes sense. Also, one BIG issue is the miscarriage. This could cause quite a bit of pain for both of you, and with all the other stressors and issues you guys have going on, maybe the emotions of the miscarriage just weren't properly dealt with yet.

My advice would be to try to go to counseling. If you end it without trying that one last time, you might regret it in the future, especially since great things could come out of going to counselling. BUT, the trick is that you BOTH have to be determined to make your relationship work, or it won't.

Take Care,

Katalina
[QUOTE=GettingWellAgain]To me, it sounds as if this woman is insecure AND resents you for not ending the communication with other women you were dating sooner. I know another poster said that nine months to end communication with people you dated is a long time, and I agree. If you asked this woman to move out of state with you, why would you keep in touch with women that meant nothing to you/ you had casual relationships with? I hope you don't take that offensively, but to me, that doesn't make sense. It sounds like the woman you are with probably had insecurity issues BEFORE she started dating you, but I think the phone calls/emails in the beginning made it worse, and now she's honestly afraid to put all of her trust into you. Even if the communication with other women was just platonic, the woman you are with now probably still felt threatened, because here you two are moving all the way out of state together to start a serious relationship, yet you didn't automatically "cut your ties."

As for the violence, as I'm sure you know, that's definitely never healthy. She should NEVER throw things at you/attack you, but I suppose without lack of proper communication for a long period of time, fights can escalate to these heights. I'm not saying it's right, though--that should stop immediately.

You said that you guys were friends for 3 years before you started dating and became intimate after the first year and then after the third year of being friends/friends with benefits, YOU DECIDED to finally make a committment to this girl. To me, this says that the woman you are with wanted to be with you all along, but you just weren't ready for a serious relationship. Since you guys were intimate, it's very possible that the woman was very attached to you throughout the three years, and now she resents just being a "friend with benefits" in the beginning. It's very possible that she feels like you grudgingly became seriously committed to her, especially since you kept in contact with other women for so long after you started a serious relationship with the woman you're with. Her insecurity sounds like it might be fueled by being a friend with benefits in the beginning, AND because you didn't FULLY committ to this woman right away after moving with her. This could really cause resentment.

You said that you have caught in in little "white lies." It is rather inappropriate for her to communicate with her ex-husband if they don't have kids together (in my opinion), but I think since the big issues in your relationship haven't been resolved, every LITTLE issue is coming up to make things worse. I hope that makes sense. Also, one BIG issue is the miscarriage. This could cause quite a bit of pain for both of you, and with all the other stressors and issues you guys have going on, maybe the emotions of the miscarriage just weren't properly dealt with yet.

My advice would be to try to go to counseling. If you end it without trying that one last time, you might regret it in the future, especially since great things could come out of going to counselling. BUT, the trick is that you BOTH have to be determined to make your relationship work, or it won't.

Take Care,

Katalina[/QUOTE]


Thanks for the advice.

Sounds like we both see this the same way for the most part. Yes, she had told me that she was attached to me all along. It took me a little longer to get attached, I guess.

As for the communication with other women....they would call me, not me call them. Does this make it any more innocent?
[QUOTE=IMWandering]Thanks for the advice.

Sounds like we both see this the same way for the most part. Yes, she had told me that she was attached to me all along. It took me a little longer to get attached, I guess.

As for the communication with other women....they would call me, not me call them. Does this make it any more innocent?[/QUOTE]

I think it makes it more innocent, yes, BUT, on the other hand, maybe you could've been much more firm and told these women NEVER to contact you again, you are in a committed relationship. Apparently, you were eventually, because you said you cut off your cell phone service. Even though these women were calling you, though, instead of you calling them, I think that the fact that these other women even *existed* still even though you guys moved out of state caused your girlfriend to be suspicious, resentful, and insecure. Although I think trying counseling could be an option IF you are both VERY motivated to be together and have a HEALTHY relationship, I almost want to agree with the poster BetsyJean as well, because being happy only 50% of the time is unfortunately not a good stat. Keep us updated on everything if you can; we on the boards are always here to listen no matter what you choose to do.
Take Care,
Katalina





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