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Has anyone felt this way? I am 27, have a great job as an attorney, have a nice husband whom I have been married to for almost 4 years and love a lot. We have had tons of problems with my parents who made our life hellish for a long time...Anyways, like I said, I am 27 and my husband is 32. He wants to buy a house which is reasonable I suppose. And in my heart, I keep pushing it off because I feel like it ties us down to this place... And I am SO Bored!! I mean, I have grown up in this area and my husband has traveled everywhere so he wants to buy a house and settle, and I DONT! I desperately want to move somewhere different. I feel so suffocated sometimes, like "This is it?" Job, keep making money, buy a house, have kids and thats it?? I mean, is that what life is?? I want us to explore. To try something different and enjoy... And my husband gets aggravated when I say this and says "Grow up. yOu are like Alice in Wonderland!" But it really depresses me. i just feel boxed into this little world. Anyone feel this way? It's like him and I think differently... And these different thoughts tend to affect our relationship. Even our sex life... I feel like doesnt "enjoy" getting intimate with me because he wants a more "wifey" person and I am not that... Anyone ever go through something like this?
OK I had a long response all written out and then it didn't go through but I'll try again....


I could have written almost the same post about 5 years ago. The difference with me is that I got into the "boring life" at a younger age (I'm now 27). I actually wanted that boring routine, or so I thought. I got married when I was 20 years old after receiving my degree in journalism. I flew through college (actually took two years of classes while in high school), because I wanted to get married, be a wife, have a career and start making money, and even have kids in a couple of years. My husband was older than me, and he was more than welcoming to the "routine." About two years into it, I was so bored --- go to work, go home, go to work, go home, cook dinner, fix up the house, go to work, go home -- we'd go on vacations, but even that was just sightseeing and just such a typically normal, planned, thing to do. I thought -- is this what life is about? I watched the movie American Beauty and I think that is what Kevin Spacey's character was going through (that movie made me look at life a bit different).

So about two years into it, I decided to find out what it was like to kiss another man. I did, and that lead to a series of affairs. I thought I was just going through a stage because I had been with the same guy for so long at a young age -- but really, it was because I was bored with the routine and wanted more out of life.

Here I had the house, husband, cat, career, everything, and I ended up meeting a man when I was 23 and leaving it all. This guy (who was 2 years younger than me) was fun, spontaneous, did something different and new each day, etc., etc. It was VERY VERY hard to leave my husband and not something I recommend. I went through a lot of financial and emotional struggles -- HOWEVER, I do cherish the life experiences I've gained that I would never have had if I had stayed married.

So I'm not saying leave your marriage -- but, maybe you need counseling, if you're really unhappy??? First thing is to have a serious talk with your husband about this -- is he willing to compromise? Marriage is about compromise. How about living in another state for a few years, then move back to your hometown to settle... You're still young at 27, but at 32, your husband is more in a "I wanna settle down" phase.

Maybe you need to try a new hobby or make some new friends. Do something crazy you wouldn't normally do... If your husband is unwilling to make life more exciting, you have to take the reins yourself.

I also think this is a question that everyone struggles with in their 20s -- we're waking up to the realities of life. And yes, for many people, life is boring. But life is what you make of it -- you can't blame anyone else, not even your husband.

So, just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is common. I hope other people have thoughts on this as well, as I haven't got it all figured out yet either. Sometimes I wish I was back in that routine and sometimes I regret giving it up.

Have you ever had some time to ever go and "find yourself?" People say that is really important to do and its hard to do if you've been in a relationship most of your adult life...

Sorry for the ramble -- my first response was much better, but I hope this helps!
Hi,

Yeah, sometimes I get the idea to go and do something like that, but I do love my husband too much. And I DO think our age difference plays a major part in this... Because of family issues, I feel like I never experienced being young and enjoying life... And I WANT To live it up and be adventurous with him, but he just wants to buy a place and settle down... And I feel like once we do that, we are STUCK. And he gets so annoyed that I am not interested in all that stuff...investments etc... I just want to pick up our stuff and move to CA or something. (We live on the east coast.) But he has a great job and is about to get promoted next month and I have a great job (i mean, I dont LOVE my job but i make great money...) So technically, I feel kind of selfish cause I should be HAPPY for his promotion and all right?? I shouldnt feel like his promotion also ties us down...But I do feel that way somwehat and I feel selfish.. We are so different in our life outlooks right now...I mean, I love him to death and he loves me and we have fun togethr but on the core issue, we differ... And it aggravates him. I mean, I think he gets annoyed by my outlook. I just feel so trapped into the box of routine you know??
Yeah, honestly my primary reason for wanting to move is her... I have dealt with her for so long its kind of affected everything else... I mean, I feel like I just want "my own" space and to function as an adult, you know?? And for some reason being here prevents that... And in turn my husband gets aggravated. I want a fresh start just away from everything... I have told my husband this but he says wont be possible for a couple years. That depresses me even more...Just knowing I have to be here for a couple years at least. By that time, I will probably have kids, and its even more difficult to move...
Hey at least he's offering the option down the road right? A couple of years is probably at least a little better than "No - Never"... I know that sounds condescending but I'm not trying to be, just trying to be positive for you! It'd probably be harder if he said he would never even consider it, at least I think so.

I think all of us get caught up in the day to day routine sometimes and just one day sit up and go "whoa, what am I doing? This is SO DULL!!!" - especially in our mid-late 20's when you're feeling like this is the last of it you have before the whole kid thing enters the game. It makes sense, I totally hear where you're coming from. I've always wanted the "settled down" life. Now I'm engaged (and 25) to be married this fall and my hubby to be is 33 (34 this year just before the wedding) and naturally discussing children. I've already said I need at least 2 more years of "me" enjoyment time, and thankfully he's been very accepting of that.

He wants to travel and have fun for a few more years, though he wouldn't shun the idea of kids in the next year, he knows and wants me to experience that. I wish that was your husbands take too. It's okay to settle down, but that should be the end all plan when BOTH individuals involved are *ready*. You can't have kids when you don't feel like you've fulfilled your single life and are ready to settle down for good. A lot has to be given up, and if you feel cheated out of that in any way you could grow some resentment towards your husband and life down the road. Just see how you're feeling now!

Either way, I'd keep talking to him about it. Explain it has a lot to do with your mother and your need for a little more life before the routine begins - that you don't want to put either of you in a situation where resentment could build because you love him so much. You have to be fair to BOTH of you. There is always time to settle down, maybe you could meet somewhere in the middle. Do a year of exploring then give him the home life he wants. I don't know... there must be compromise or one of you will feel like you got the short end of the marriage stick.
I wish I knew how to describe this better. Its stems from mom, but filters to everything else... Like she affected my life big time...To a point that now, I just dont enjoy anything around me. Like I had/have so much misery with her, now I really want to enjoy my life without worrying about her. And my consistent attitude of "I havent lived it up" really affects my relationship with my husband because he thinks I need to grow up and accept things. When all I want to do is run away, and do something adventurous and have a fresh start and enjoy "being young" WITH HIM. But I feel like I just cant, because I am caught in this routine and having to deal with my mother....And he is older than me, and way too "practical" for that... Does that make sense??
Hmmm. You would need to look back at the posts about my mother to get a complete story. My mother is basically borderline and her entire life is dependant on me. She got really affected when I got married, and overly possessive and jealous of my spouse to a large extent. Always made me guilty, comparimg me to other daughters. She would throw tantrums and say she will die and have a brain hemmorage etc.. because of me. Recently I tried to stand up for myslef and she ended up in the ER screaming " I want my dauugghhterrr! My daighter has left meeee!" She is manipulative and consistently makes all these indirect comments about my husband and his family... This is only the tip of the iceberg... And I feel like she will wont improve and will make it even worse when I have kids or when my inlaws come visit! By the way, my Dad has turned into a puppet and just completely repeats everything she says to the extent that he has told me her osteoporosis is because I dont love her enough...So you get the idea...
I think my husband feels like I have stalled our "progress" too long in hopes that we will move. Progress for him is making the right investments and buying a house. He feels this way cause he is 32, almost 33. I dont feel this way cause I recently turned 27. I graduated from law school last year while he has been working many years already... So our conflict comes there. Me, who is just not psyched about buying a home here cause I feel the need to get away and explore, and he thinks he is already too late and wants to settle in. (I REALLY dont think 32 is old!!! that is still young!) If we stay, I DO hope my mother changes somewhat when I have a baby...I really do!
Changing location will not help you to avoid your mother. My mother called my brother who lived in different state on the phone quite often with blaming and complaining and he is like you doesn't want to cut her off. For example she convienced that he made a decision for her to have a surgery and now he is to blame for whatever goes wrong. In different state you may have problems you don't have now, I personally cried a lot from work cituations in my life. If your husband won't be comfi he will be blaming you for leaving place he was.
I'm not really sure what has been written as I haven't read all the replies. I think this is common, and one of the reasons I didn't settle down until I was in my 30's, I wanted to live it up a bit, travel, live in different cities, and all that. I think there are things you can do to make it less boring. one if do activities you enjoy, find a hobby you really like, for me it is horseback riding. Another is travel, if your husband doesn't like to travel, go alone or with a girlfriend. There is nothing that says once you are married you still can't have fun and do things, have adventures. My husband and I have a few different interests, so we just do them seperately. As far as moving away, well unless you are prepared to leave your husband, it doesn' t sound like he is willing to do that right now. It also sounds like you have issues with your family, and maybe you should deal with those as well...distance wouldn't necessarily fix those issues...out of sight isn't always out of mind...

take care
Are you sure it isn't just you and maybe you are depressed? Does depression run in your family by any chance? It seems you have a nice and successful life. You should be happy for all the wonderful things you have.

To be honest, my life is the same - great job, master's degree, wonderful husband, nice house, and now a baby on the way, etc. We are both 30 years old. Yes, that is life - and I love it! I am so grateful for everything b/c there are so many people who have nothing.

It seems like you are feeling down when you should be happy.
I am not sure...I am seeing a psychiatrist and she doesnt think I am depressed. Just sick of things, especially my nutty mom...And I know I have several good things in my life... Job, husband, friends... I just have this massive need to get away from here...I have gone through SOOO much crap here with my mom, that it seems to have affected me appreciating anything in my life. I guess I want a new start away from everything.. My past (and the prospect of ongoing issues with my controlling drama queen mom) seem to affect me enjoying my life and REALLY living even though I have it all...Basically, I would be perfectly content with everything I have...Job, husband etc. if I lived in a new place away from here and away from the bad memories...But I just need to accept it I guess....
YES!!! This is so totally me these days. I think for me it's a midlife crisis (I am 41) but I think you can have a mid-life crisis at any age.

I am at a place where I find myself questioning my choices and whether there were better choices I could have made both as far as career, spouse, and children (no kids)...I love my husband but there are days when I think that "he is not enough for me"

I want to travel and I want to do new things, he is content to stay put and do the same things we've always done for the last 10 years of our marriage.


I don't know what the answer is but you aren't alone!
Eve,

I have tried standing up to my mother, and it usually ends up with her in the ER stating she is having some crazy health issue. I believe my mom has a borderline personality issue... I do think I am fortunate to have a good job and nice husband etc...I just wish we didnt live here and I had the same in another state!! It would allow me to "breathe", get away, and have something new to look forward to. I feel like I dont have much to look forward to... I mean...same place, same problems, then kids..... I have this MASSIVE urge for change but yet, I cant seem to get it. It wouldnt make sense to pick up our stuff and move...I mean, I could have done that if I was single, but I am not...
You may want to look into helping someone less fortunate than yourself. Maybe you could volunteer at a women's shelter or a pediatric ward. You could offer to draw sketches to little children or even old people in a nursing home.

These suggestions may sound radical but I've seen people in your position who felt they needed more, fulfilled every desire for themselves, and still came away from it feeling empty. Try visualizing that you visited everywhere you wanted to go, saw every sight you ever wanted to see, and tasted every delicacy that life had to offer. Do you think you would then be happy?

I hate how the media has twisted the Angelina story and I was pretty hard on her myself. Then I saw her admist the poorest, most deprived people in the world, and was blown away by just how peaceful she looks.

No, I'm not suggesting that you adopt children from Asia and Africa, get pregnant and then move to Africa. Maybe, just maybe you can place your focus outside of yourself, help someone else, and give your husband a few years to grow in his new position. After that, he'll see your sacrifice, appreciate it, and then maybe agree to move somewhere else.

Hang in there and keep us posted!
I'm a newbie here but I felt compelled to write - just to say that you are not alone! It is so comforting to hear that many people have similar feelings. I turn 36 in a month, I'm married for 4 1/2 years to a wonderful guy, and on paper it looks good - and don't get me wrong, I'm happy - but sometimes I wonder if this is all there is. I've been in a creative rut for a long time now. I've been at the same deadend job for 7 years (I've scouted out many leads over the years and gone on interviews, another story for another day), but on the side I've volunteered, I've taken classes, joined a book club, just trying to reignite my passion for creative things and get back in touch with the old me. It has helped. So, my humble suggestion is - try to find time for little things that you are passionate about, things that excite you. The key is to get back in touch with the piece of you that has been buried. It is not easy, I have rough patches. But you need creative outlets and new challenges, your life cannot just be work and husband and listening to your suppressing mother. Do something JUST FOR YOU, even if it is small, like taking a bubble bath or getting a massage or immersing yourself in a good book. Better yet, you say you like drawing, why not take an art class? Or tackle something you always wanted to learn, even if it's basketweaving. Join a book club. Volunteer. Go to a museum. See a local play. Go to the movies. If your husband can't - or won't - go with you, go alone. You sound like a really creative person whose life has been bogged down with the routine of the daily ins and outs. I know you say it is hard with the work schedule - but make the time. Just decide that that part of yourself is a priority that deserves as much attention as work and DO IT. Decide going into it that negotiating with your schedule is NOT an option. Just say "Tonight I am devoting to that poetry reading and that's that" and force yourself to leave the office. It doesn't happen overnight, it is a commitment, a re-learning of the behavior you've had for a long time. I bet after a while you will realize just how much you miss that stuff and it will be easier. Just really try to find some outlets for yourself, and hopefully little by little you will slowly get back in touch with your true soul. My two cents. Good luck!
Thanks. Yeah, I suppose everyone gets into ruts...And like you said, on paper I have it all. In fact, as my husband says, I am pretty much a "poster child." But do I really want to be a poster child?? I want some adventure...I want some "life in my life." Part of my life has been damaged by my mom, and I am trying to run away frm that and restart... We have been house hunting and I am not even excited about it. To me its like "Wooo hooo! A house! A big payment! STuck in the same place for the next 5 years at least if we buy it' whatever... Sometimes I wonder why I am not enthusiastic about this stuff...I think its because I never really "lived" when I should have due to the family issues... But I miss it now. And I am still young. I am 27. I want to live! But my husband is 32 almost 33 and he has already lived! He has traveled all over, lived in different countries while I have just been here my whole damn life. I KNOW there are people a LOT less fortunate...And dont get me wrong. I am THANKFUL for the financial well being and education...

But I also have this theory...The more you have, the more you have to lose... So basically, its easier for people who have less to risk because they have less to lose... For example, if you have a job that pays 30k, you would risk moving wherever to get a higher paying job, and may quit the 30k job to do that. You may also chuck up your 30k, take a waitress job, and go to Hollywood and try your luck, cause you dont have much to lose... BUt say you make 100k, you cant just chuck that and decide to move and take 40k.... Meaning you risk less...Even if you want to, you are locked into a system of "practicality"...Does that make sense??

For example, I love American Idol...If you notice, none of the people who participate are ever professionals..You dont find doctors auditioning... NOT because they dont have talent necessarily and wouldnt want to, but because they CANT. They have too much to lose by taking 6 months off to audition...It might screw their medical career and they wouldnt have the money to pay their monthly acamedic loans they took to actually get through med school! Anyways, I am rambling...Basically, I am saying it is great to have things like a high paying job and nice husband etc, but it "locks" you into a system and inhibits that "alive" side of you...

Sorry about the ramble...Just something I feel...
Hi Sahuja,

Your husband is also young at 33 and I wouldn't imagine a man at this age to want to settle down in one particular place yet, so you might be able to unleash the desire to travel in him :D

I don't think that the idea of buying a house is bad, you will always want to have a "home" no matter how far you spead your wings :) I don't know but I would love to be able to buy a house with my bf, but I have to leave England soon , and go to yet a different country to do postdoctral research. In work, everyone is saying that I should have had a mortgage, that it would be cheaper than what i am paying for a one-bedroom flat etc....I would love to but I can't.

I also very much relate re mum situation. While my mum is NOT manipulative in anyway and won't blackmail me emotionally, I feel guilty letting her know that I want to marry my English BF, she would feel upset if I was to stay away from her indefinitely (although I have been abroad for more than 5 years). I am almost your age and she has met and liked my bf. He has prosposed to me but she constantly reminds me that he has a kid with another woman, etc, etc, how would I feel if dad did that, although the two are very different unrelated and in no way comaprable situations.

What I know is that parents eventually give in and as long as you are happy, they will be too, so just go ahead with your dreams, be strong. You are not doing anything wrong, and they will accept and respect your choices at some point.
Good luck
Sigh...I think I am just in a rut... And my husband gets so annoyed with me. He is like "it always seems like your head is so clogged and filled with crap!" I am just like "I need a change" and he is like "you need to grow up. Even ify ou moved, then you would get bored and be in the same place" I think that is completely incorrect. I am in a rut cause I have been in the same place my whole life, and dealing with the same issues. I want a chance to experience something new... Over that, I cant explain my fears to him...My fears of more issues coming up with my folks, my fears of it all getting worse when we have kids...My feeling of "Ive never lived." Maybe I AM being immature... But I cant seem to pull myself out of it...I suppose I HAVE to cause he will keep getting aggravated...
What will be that different new place, you have to work there as well? Attorney job I understand will take long hours there as well. You and him may not be as comfi at another job as you are here. Only thing your parents will be further away, so they can bug you on phone. I have a feeling that your husband is right.
I pesonally be more than happy live same place I am living now doing same job with the same people. I was miserable in my homeland which hurts me until now, immigration process was hard and took a tall on me. I believe I have pstd and often can't enjoy things 'cause of bad memories. Although I am happy it at least end up like that (touch wood).
Well like I said, you have to do some things FOR YOURSELF. I'm not saying run off and leave your husband and move to another country, I'm just saying you have to get back in touch with the things that get your juices flowing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having creative outlets - everyone needs them! otherwise we would all go crazy!! And we all have different facets of ourselves, and we all need to nurture our souls. I hear in your words that you are making excuses or fighting it or complaining. Look, it's not that complicated, it doesn't have to be a big, grand thing, you don't have to quit your job or anything, just find an extracurricular thing that you feel passionate about, you have to start small, do it in baby steps. Pick one thing - an art class or whatever - and stop making excuses and just do it. Don't listen to him if he tells you it's silly, just go alone if you have to. Consider it ME TIME. Pick a day - an hour - of the week where you will devote the time to whatever it is, and then commit to it. You need to start nurturing yourself!!!
Well, for what it's worth, I completely understand you. And yeah, sometimes a change of scenery can be very beneficial. I remember I absolutely hated the place I used to live in--hated it with a passion, and then I moved to a different city that I always found beautiful, and loved it. The ironic thing is, I didn't even have a boyfriend while living there, but it was still possibly the happiest time of my life. I was away from my entire family, some of whom were always bringing me down, and it was the BEST thing for me! I loved living there and my depression disappeared and I was able to easily make friends with whom I'm still in touch, 15 years later! But then my mother pulled me in and made me move to where she was again. And I've been mostly unhappy here, to be honest. It wasn't truly my choice. I'm used to it now, and I have all these other obligations contingent on the life that I made for myself here, but I am not truly happy. I feel trapped, just like you. Now I have huge grad school loans, credit card payments, etc, and I can't just up and move anywhere I want to. I will have to concentrate on making the most amount of money possible for the next few years, to be able to make a dent in my grad school loans. It's so depressing. And my rent and bills are very high because I live by myself, so that doesn't help, either. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm having a panick attack because of the "trapped" feeling. The evironment I'm living in doesn't nourish my soul, which is what I'm getting from your posts as well.

I guess it does make it all the more complicated that you're married and your husband is unwilling to move anywhere :( I don't know what to tell you in this case. I mean, if you were single, I would tell you to take a risk and move to where your heart leads you. After all, there are jobs for lawyers everywhere, and even if you have to take a pay cut, I'm sure you'd still be making decent money. But if your husband won't budge on the issue, I don't know...For the first time I feel kinda glad I'm not married..
Sophie,

You do sound just like me...Except yes, I am married which makes it all more difficult... My husband got really aggravated with me yesterday morning while he was looking up houses online for open houses...He was like "WHERE is your enthusiasm?? I mean, why is it that you are not at all enthusiastic about anything I am enthusiastic about?" I kind of broke and told him how I felt...About wanting a move, about not wanting to be around my parents, about my fears of being around them in the future, about life going by and never experiencing anything different... He *kind of* understood and was like "Yes, but we cant destroy the present thinking of the future." and also said "Who told you we cant move?? But we need to be smart about it. We cant just chuck everything we've worked for. That would be dumb! So even if we buy a house, it doesnt mean we cant go. The next good opprtunity that comes up, we will consider! and we WONT have kids until you are ready." so that felt better I guess... But I stilll have this nagging feeling that we WILL be here for a long time...

I had an appt with my psychiatrist on Friday. She was divorced when she was 28 because she had a mom like mom. She couldnt handle her and was paralyzed into fear. Eventually, due to that, her and her husband just shut down communication and divorced. After her divorce, she became stroner and went to med school etc...BUt i SOOO identify with the feeling of being "paralyzed" from personal growth etc due to a messed up mom...This is something only one with a messed up mom can understand...Like my husband cannot. He is like "Well, I have gone through it with you." NO he hasnt... Yes, a large portion of it, but not ALL. I GREW up with her. HE had a happy normal childhood he looks back on with good memories....I dont! Anyways, sorry for the ramble...
I understand, I am married for 4 1/2 years and I understand what you mean. Your decisions have bearing on another person's life, you make joint decisions about the future, you can't just up and leave by yourself. That's why I suggested that you pick things that you CAN do for yourself. Little things that you don't have to depend on your husband for. Things that you love that you can enjoy without him. Things that will get your passion ignited for life again. Things you can enjoy without leaving your town for now. You get out of life what you put into it. If you were living in another place you would still have the same issues if you have the same routine, work and husband and no creative outlets, you would still feel the same if you don't put yourself into something that gets your juices flowing.

What is stopping you from signing up for an art class?





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