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OK I had a long response all written out and then it didn't go through but I'll try again....


I could have written almost the same post about 5 years ago. The difference with me is that I got into the "boring life" at a younger age (I'm now 27). I actually wanted that boring routine, or so I thought. I got married when I was 20 years old after receiving my degree in journalism. I flew through college (actually took two years of classes while in high school), because I wanted to get married, be a wife, have a career and start making money, and even have kids in a couple of years. My husband was older than me, and he was more than welcoming to the "routine." About two years into it, I was so bored --- go to work, go home, go to work, go home, cook dinner, fix up the house, go to work, go home -- we'd go on vacations, but even that was just sightseeing and just such a typically normal, planned, thing to do. I thought -- is this what life is about? I watched the movie American Beauty and I think that is what Kevin Spacey's character was going through (that movie made me look at life a bit different).

So about two years into it, I decided to find out what it was like to kiss another man. I did, and that lead to a series of affairs. I thought I was just going through a stage because I had been with the same guy for so long at a young age -- but really, it was because I was bored with the routine and wanted more out of life.

Here I had the house, husband, cat, career, everything, and I ended up meeting a man when I was 23 and leaving it all. This guy (who was 2 years younger than me) was fun, spontaneous, did something different and new each day, etc., etc. It was VERY VERY hard to leave my husband and not something I recommend. I went through a lot of financial and emotional struggles -- HOWEVER, I do cherish the life experiences I've gained that I would never have had if I had stayed married.

So I'm not saying leave your marriage -- but, maybe you need counseling, if you're really unhappy??? First thing is to have a serious talk with your husband about this -- is he willing to compromise? Marriage is about compromise. How about living in another state for a few years, then move back to your hometown to settle... You're still young at 27, but at 32, your husband is more in a "I wanna settle down" phase.

Maybe you need to try a new hobby or make some new friends. Do something crazy you wouldn't normally do... If your husband is unwilling to make life more exciting, you have to take the reins yourself.

I also think this is a question that everyone struggles with in their 20s -- we're waking up to the realities of life. And yes, for many people, life is boring. But life is what you make of it -- you can't blame anyone else, not even your husband.

So, just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is common. I hope other people have thoughts on this as well, as I haven't got it all figured out yet either. Sometimes I wish I was back in that routine and sometimes I regret giving it up.

Have you ever had some time to ever go and "find yourself?" People say that is really important to do and its hard to do if you've been in a relationship most of your adult life...

Sorry for the ramble -- my first response was much better, but I hope this helps!
Hey at least he's offering the option down the road right? A couple of years is probably at least a little better than "No - Never"... I know that sounds condescending but I'm not trying to be, just trying to be positive for you! It'd probably be harder if he said he would never even consider it, at least I think so.

I think all of us get caught up in the day to day routine sometimes and just one day sit up and go "whoa, what am I doing? This is SO DULL!!!" - especially in our mid-late 20's when you're feeling like this is the last of it you have before the whole kid thing enters the game. It makes sense, I totally hear where you're coming from. I've always wanted the "settled down" life. Now I'm engaged (and 25) to be married this fall and my hubby to be is 33 (34 this year just before the wedding) and naturally discussing children. I've already said I need at least 2 more years of "me" enjoyment time, and thankfully he's been very accepting of that.

He wants to travel and have fun for a few more years, though he wouldn't shun the idea of kids in the next year, he knows and wants me to experience that. I wish that was your husbands take too. It's okay to settle down, but that should be the end all plan when BOTH individuals involved are *ready*. You can't have kids when you don't feel like you've fulfilled your single life and are ready to settle down for good. A lot has to be given up, and if you feel cheated out of that in any way you could grow some resentment towards your husband and life down the road. Just see how you're feeling now!

Either way, I'd keep talking to him about it. Explain it has a lot to do with your mother and your need for a little more life before the routine begins - that you don't want to put either of you in a situation where resentment could build because you love him so much. You have to be fair to BOTH of you. There is always time to settle down, maybe you could meet somewhere in the middle. Do a year of exploring then give him the home life he wants. I don't know... there must be compromise or one of you will feel like you got the short end of the marriage stick.
I think you feel so claustrophobic mainly because you don't want to live so close to your mother and having to see her/deal with her on a regular basis. I can relate to that feeling. If your relationship with your mother is not too great, buying a house near her would make you feel trapped. To be honest, I feel the same way. I feel like I cannot start "living" for real and be free until I move far away from my mother. In fact, it would be best if she lived in a different country. Some people are just a bad influence on us and we have too many bad/painful memories associated with them. I think exploring the possibility of a move would not be such a bad option right now.

As far as the "routine" of marriage, well, single life can be boring too. I'm in my 30s, single, never married, and a lot of days I'm also bored out of my mind and feel like I'm suffocating. It's the same "home-work-grocery shopping-bill paying-apartment cleaning" routine, except I have no one to help me and I come home to an empty apartment day after day. So, I don't know if you'd like to trade places with that.
I can totally understand both sides, but like I said before - until you are ready to settle he can't force the issue as a 'his way or the highway' bottom line. You ARE younger, he has to respect that, and he is older and you need to respect that as well. What point will there be in "settling" and "investing" if it's only in an resentment filled marriage because one partner isn't getting the equality they're looking for? A year would not slow down his process by much at all, and it gives you the opportunity to experience what you need. It doesn't sound like you're asking for years and years - something must be better than nothing. But buying a house somewhere you don't want to live is not going to be a pleasant situation for your marriage, which holds the possibility of unhappiness between you two and NOT just where you live as a result.

Is a house purchase *right now* so very important to him that he's willing to risk the bond of marriage that you two hold? The point is you are not asking him to give that up for long, and certainly not forever, if he could just be patient for a year or two and help you fulfill your needs it'll be such a better situation down the road when you DO invest and buy a home and have children. If you were asking for 5-10 years I'd see his point, but honestly, a year or two would not put him far behind by any means, and he wouldn't be forcing you into a situation that would make you terribly unhappy.

I don't know, it just seems like there must be a middle ground here, you just have to find what works for the 2 of you in all fairness.
YES!!! This is so totally me these days. I think for me it's a midlife crisis (I am 41) but I think you can have a mid-life crisis at any age.

I am at a place where I find myself questioning my choices and whether there were better choices I could have made both as far as career, spouse, and children (no kids)...I love my husband but there are days when I think that "he is not enough for me"

I want to travel and I want to do new things, he is content to stay put and do the same things we've always done for the last 10 years of our marriage.


I don't know what the answer is but you aren't alone!





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