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Relationship Health Message Board


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You know, even if he wants to work on things, if I were you, I would take a break from him. You need to work on yourself and not being so insecure. Also, I don't think his heart is in this as much as yours in, and that leads on an imbalance of power with you clinging and him reaching for space. I think we all need space, but you need to learn how to be comfortable giving it. Also, it sounds lke you tend to " live for your man" and in my view this isn't really a good idea. You should always have girlfriends and hobbies that occupy your time and not let a man take over and always be available to him.
Also, you can't keep blaming his friends for how he acts, he is a grown up and is making his own choices. I know it's easy to blame the friends, but he is doing what he wants to do. I think if you do patch things up this time, it's just a temporary solution and he will end up breaking up with you eventually. Like I said, his heart just isn't there the way yours is, and it might be best to set him free. I know you love him and it will be hard, but it really sounds like this relationship is somewhat doomed. He is young and probably isn't ready to settle down. I'm not defending his latest behaviour at all, but when I was his age, THERE IS NO WAY I wanted to settle down, and no matter what great guys I dated, I wasn't interested in anything long term. He could be in that mind set, and in all fairness, if that's where he is at then that's where he is at and it has nothing to do with you or if you are a catch or not.
[QUOTE=jenna_250]haha, I never said it wasn't fun or " cool" to also hang out with your partner. But, not everyone wants to be together 24/7, and if you read her other post, she said she had a problem with this, that she was always available to him, and that she didn't like when he had guy time and in fact has gone so far as to drive by his house to check up on him. sure, family is important, so is my husband, but he has every right to want to go out for drinks or golf of whatever with the guys, and yes he even has a right to go away for a weekend with them ( as do I with my girlfriends) and I don't need to be invited. This notion that just because you are a couple you should always be together I think doesn't work for most. I never once said what he did in this situation was right, he was a total jerk and should have returned her car and her money and then said he was going out and to see her later. It is inexcusable that he didn't even apologize for this and thinks it's ok. She mentioned in another post that she actually went to the bar once to spy on him and didn't even really talk to him, just sat there keeping an eye on him!...and that she drove by his house a few times in a night to see if he was actually home, you don't think that is a tad clingy and indicates a huge problem? If I was sitting in a bar with my girlfriends and saw my husband just sitting there watching us, I would think he had lost his mind. I guess my point is, if there is trust in a relationship then spending time apart shouldn't be a huge issue like it is with this guy, and she obviously is more into this than he is.[/QUOTE]

Jenna, I wasn't directing my post to you. But since you quoted my post to MinnesotaGirl and appear to be addressing me, I'll respond.

I completely agree with you. I never once said couples should be together 24/7 -- although I see an awful lot of retirees enjoying their time together 24/7.

I, too, have no problem if DH goes fishing with the guys or out for wings to talk shop after work. It's a matter of respecting feelings, tho. Tonight DH got word there's a meeting after work that's generally centered around work and play. He called, asked if we had special dinner plans or if there was anything I had needed him to do when he got home. I don't have anything special planned, don't need him to do anything (TD Alberta is hitting us at the moment, so he was wondering if the patio furniture would need to be put up), knows he enjoys going out with the guys, and I need to get caught up on work. "No problemo at all, say hi to the guys for me, and ask your boss to have his wife call me so we can firm up vacation plans for September," I said. (I used to work with his wife, she's one of my best friends and colleagues, and she actually married DH & I.)

Now, when this has happened in the past and I do have dinner planned for the two of us or something for him to do, he doesn't lie to me and string me along for hours with me waiting on him. This would hurt my feelings, as it would yours I'm sure and as it obviously hurt Minnesota's feelings.

As for vacations and long weekend trips, we've done them both separately and together. In all honesty, we both miss each other terribly when we do that, so we don't do that anymore. After 15 years, we're still madly in love, and we don't like to go days without being together. I'm glad separate vacations/trips work for you guys, tho. We prefer to spend our vacation time together is all -- and we often include our couple-friends and our families so it's not just the two of us all the time.

Again, no, I don't think Minnesota is clingy. I agree with you that there's a huge problem between the two of them, and she obviously has trust issues (I would, too, if I saw my hubby enjoying a lap dance with me sitting right there obviously hurt by his actions). Maybe we have different definitions of clingy, but I think clingy is someone who calls their SO every hour for their own self-gratification; someone who never wants to do any outside activities with anyone but their SO; someone who needs their SO to completely give their undivided attention to the other, or else the "clingy" one feels unloved.

Checking up on a SO, to me, indicates trust issues. So far I've read this guy's buddies are all single, someone cheats on their girlfriend, they give Minnesota's man a hard time when he speaks to her, they take him to a strip club knowing he's in a committed relationship for four years and his girl might not be 100 percent cool with that, but they take him anyway and give him "guff" if he puts up any resistance. Her man, through his actions, has put his immature friends above her feelings after she's been committed to him for four years. And they don't sound like great friends from a girlfriend's perspective. It sounds like he chooses them a lot over Minnesota, to the extent that she can't depend on him and their actions (boyfriend included) hurt her feelings. I'd lose trust, too, if someone did this to me, and I'm not clingy or insecure in the least.

I do require mutual respect, however, which is what I suggested Minnesota focus on with her dating endeavors in the future. Get with a guy who respects her and her feelings.





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