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Relationship Health Message Board

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I haven't been reading any of the posts in here yet so forgive me if I sound redundant. Ok, I'm not going to get into the whole story detail by detail because we would be here all night! I'll hit the basics. My first love and I went out in high school. We broke up because we were young and immature and probably wanted to test the waters. I met someone else and he never really found anyone. He dated some but nothing serious. So, after 3 years of not seeing each other we run into each other again. Everything is magical at first and this goes on for about a year. It was so much better this time around too. We were about 20 at the time. Well, I got cold feet because I just wasn't sure if I was in love with him. I had fun and it was great but I wasn't certain. So, I broke up with him. This time it really broke his heart and I didn't want to do that but at the same time I didn't want to lead him on if I wasn't in love with him. So, he moved about 6-7 hours away to finish out his bachelorís degree and he has started a new life far from me. After he moved we still talked some...maybe 6 times since he moved (and heís been gone a year now). I started having these feelings like I had done the wrong thing and I wanted him back but I didn't want to tell him that. So, we both toyed with the idea of going back out but neither one of us came out and said was very indirect. Then one night on the phone I told him that I loved him... I basically said "I love you and if we never date again it's okay because I loved the time we had and I will always love you.. You were my first and you still have a special place in my heart. " So, after that he started acting like I wanted him back and so I told him that I didn't (even though I thought about it but not too seriously since we live so far away from each other now). He said something like "I just don't know if I can go back out with you. I mean, I want to but I dont know.." and he use to always tell me he loved me but he didn't this time. When he first moved he even wanted me to move with him but I said no. So...he came back in town back in Oct. of 2005 and I met up with him. He basically just wanted to have sex with me and that was it. He was 2 hours late to meet me and then wanted to just have sex and go. So, of course, we didn't. I was so saddened by the whole thing that I didn't know what to think...i felt used even though we didn't have sex. So, I talked to him again in Nov. for maybe 5 min's and everything was very friendly but just every day "how have you been" kind of conversation. That was the last time that we talked. It is now June and I sent him an email and waited 3 days to hear back from him. When I didn't hear back I sent him a text and he responded. He was happy to hear from me and wanted to talk but he was in New Jersey visiting family and would call the next day when he got back home. He never called....I've been waiting for almost 2 weeks and I emailed him back one last time to say that I would stop bothering him and that I wanted him to know if he was ever in town and wanted to hang out or talk then he should write me or give me a call. I also have some of his things that I wanted to mail him and needed to confirm his address. SO......that's my story....I cannot move on from him. I know that i was the one who broke things off but I really do love him and I want a friendship with him. I feel like he could have been the one and I messed it all up. I can live without him I know...but I dont know what I need to do to get over all this...I think about it way too much and I hate that he wont contact me. We dont have to date but he was such a big part of my life for so long that I'd like to know I could talk to him at least 2 times a year and see how he is. What is the best thing to do??? Should I mail his stuff back?? Should I call him even though he didnít call me back or would that be too pushy?? Desperate?? It's mainly pictures and things that would probably just remind him of me that I was going to mail back.... I'm so confused!!! Like I said, I dont have to date him even though Id like to maybe one day try it again, but I do want to know we can talk SOMETIMES. We are 23 by the I'm sure that someone will say "You are young and have plenty of time to meet mr. right." and I know that is true but I feel so old...I look around me and all my friends from high school are planning weddings (if they aren't already married)... Always a bridesmaid never a bride! I'm not even ready to get married but I've never been the kind of girl to run around either. I've only had 3 relationships and all of them were serious/long term things.

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