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[QUOTE=Graciella]Hi Nina,
Well, am I being immature? That is what he says. I've tried accepting her and it never worked. I did confront her on this matter some years ago and she said I'm crazy if I think that their relationship will ever change because I came into his life? What does that tell you though? If a woman came crying to me telling me she's hurting he's confiding in me, I would feel so guilty for not having picked up on her feelings and I would retreat and probably become more friends with her than with him. I would never want to be the PROBLEM of somebody else's relationship. But then that's me, right?!
His relationship with her is emotinally abusive for me. I suffer inside and it comes out through physical pain. I don't want it to happen, but it does. It's mental. I have no solution.[/QUOTE]

Why would you feel guilty? Why waste time with feelings of guilt, blame, doubt, torment, etc. when you don't have to? This is clearly a toxic relationship for you that is tearing you apart, but it doesn't seem that his female friend has anything to do with why you are so tormented. I'd be tormented to if a man treated me as horribly as yours has but I could not bring myself to leave him...I doubt you will feel secure and confident in yourself and your relationships until you get away from a man who can and does leave you at any moment.

As for his friend, who cares? No one has the right to tell their significant other not to have certain friends if the only reason is their own insecurity and anxiety--that is not a healthy, nurturing kind of love but instead one characterized by fear, mistrust, and a huge need for control. It sounds to me like you're the one who is making this into such a painful ordeal, sorry to say that so bluntly. It really doesn't have to bother you that he has other friends besides you, but you are nevertheless tormenting yourself and making yourself into a nervous wreck over something many women would never think twice about. Why torture yourself like that? And why focus on his female friend when that seems like a really minor issue when compared to all the other red flags that are apparent between you and your man?

With regard to her reaction when you confronted her, I honestly don't blame her one bit for standing her ground and defending her friendships against someone who is trying to destroy them because of her own insecurities and hangups. I would do the same thing if one of my male friends had a girlfriend (especially one he had broken up with multiple times already) who tried to come between our friendship, and I would feel extremely confident that none of my male friends would sustain a relationship with someone who tried to control him for any length of time. But all of that, as I said, doesn't strike me as the major issue or the important point here.

What I really don't understand is why you are even remotely considering the possibility of getting back together with a man who has dumped you, and broken your heart, twice. Why would you ever give him another chance to win your trust and let you down? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and your odds of being left by a man who has done that before are MUCH MUCH higher than being dumped by a man who has always treated you loyally in the past. Any man who could hurt you that way even once--let alone twice--does not really love you the way you deserve to be loved, and he unfortunately doesn't love you as much as or in the same way you love him. Because from the way you describe him, it seems clear that you love him far too much to ever walk out the door as he has. In my opinion, it's definitely in your best interest to start over with a healthy new relationship built on trust and without baggage...your love for him sounds like it is making you feel really insecure, desperate, needy, and clingy, none of which are beneficial emotions nor conducive to building a satisfying and lasting partnership. That's more of an obsessive kind of love than a healthy, stable, mutual love in which neither person has reason to be anxious or insecure about the outcome of the relationship, as you unfortunately do right now. But how can you blame yourself or expect anything different, when he has already broken up with you twice? Because of that, you have every reason to think that it is only a matter of time before he leaves again, and I think that would make almost anyone insecure. I guess it just really sounds to me like this relationship is tormenting you and that you are pinpointing his female friend as the main problem when the real issue is that he has proven that you cannot trust and rely on him to be there loving you no matter what.





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