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[QUOTE=Bluelani]I have been here reading everyones posts just to keep me busy and to see if I can help with some advice. I have noticed that alot of women are suffering with the selfesteem issue after a breakup. How is it that we seem to lose our self esteem when a guy turns his back? Why is it that we become weak I wish I could regain this peice of me back so that I could continue moving on. And why is it that women tend to hurt more then the guys do? Fibrana has been dealing with her breakup for 5 weeks now thats a long time for anyone to hurt in their hearts and try to goto work and be 100% women at the same time.

bluelani[/QUOTE]

Good question!

IMHO, I think it's the way women or I should say girls are raised and the "programming" we receive as young girls. We were or are programmed that we "need" men in our lives to be able to complete... we have movies like Jerry McGuire that sends messages to women that we need a man to be able to raise a well-adjusted kid. I understand about being in love... but what I'm talking about here is plain programming of young girls. However, lately, I'm seeing more movies that depicts women as strong, independent and successful and young girls today are receiving that message. However, there are still plenty of women out there who are raising young girls as they were raised. The cycle will continue until someone stops that sort of message. And besides, breaking up is never easy. No matter who initiates the break up, it's still a form of rejection. Especially if the heart has had a few scars from past break ups. As we get older, there are things that gets easier and breaking up is not one of them.

I hope I was able to give you some insight. :D
You ladies, Jenna, Lost and Sophia, are very smart women who seem to know what you want.

I think the misconception of what a lot of young girls are being taught, or at least when I was growing up is incorrect. Speaking for myself, I was always told to marry a doctor or a lawyer so my life would be easier. There's nothing wrong with marrying a wealthy man or a man who can afford to pay his bills and have some $$$ left for a rainy day, but IMHO, a girl should be taught to stand on her own with or without a man. I was taught that men would be the "knight in shining armor" who would sweep me away and take away all pain of life. My mother is still that way... she still has that in mind that men will be the rescuer. There's nothing wrong with sentimentality, but I think it has to be mutual, unforced.

Breaking up is never easy. Yes, you go through the self-doubt because you wonder what you did wrong, what could you have done to have a different result, why you, etc. But Blue, you have to remember that there's nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful person who has some wonderful qualities. It just so happens that you and your BF were not right for each other. I know it still doesn't lessen the pain, but give it time and your heart will heal.

I remember a guy who broke up with me a long time ago. He never really told me that he didn't like my independence, not calling him on a daily basis, not clingy, etc. It's a trait I'd programmed myself to do... I used to be insecure and constantly have to be on a daily contact with my BFs. By all means, I am affectionate, but I was extremely busy at the time jungling single motherhood and a new job. Needless to say, I hardly had time for him, I hardly had time for myself. As I said, he didn't really tell me that he felt insecure about my independence and he broke up with me. At the time, he didn't discuss it with me because he said that he didn't want me to change for him... that's how I truly am and it just so happen that I wasn't right for him. He wanted more attention from me and he didn't want to change me, "the wonderful person that I am", he said.
In one side, I appreciated that gesture. We broke up amicably. But I'll never forget that break up.

Be kind to yourself, you need it now more than ever. Treat yourself with kindness and handle your heart with care from now on.

Peace.
think the misconception of what a lot of young girls are being taught, or at least when I was growing up is incorrect. Speaking for myself, I was always told to marry a doctor or a lawyer so my life would be easier.
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Yes, this is common a think, the white knight thing. My mom wasn't that way so maybe that has somethign to do with how I am. The thing is though, even if you do marry a doctor and are all wealthy and he " takes care of you"...I don't think that should be enough, everyone should have the ability to take care of themselves regardless because you never know what will happen. We all hope that it will be forever, but realistically you just don't know.

remember a guy who broke up with me a long time ago. He never really told me that he didn't like my independence, not calling him on a daily basis, not clingy, etc
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That's too bad, although probably for the best. YOu really can't change people, I am that was too, not at all clingy and when I'm dating someone I certainly don't need to call them all the time and be around them all the time. I had guys who didn't like that as well, but instead of breaking up they did try to change me. It didn't work and I ended up breaking up with them. I had one guy that thought I should want to spend all my free time with him, and never go away with friends, and one time when I did go away for a weekend with some friends, he actuallys earched my pictures afterwards convinced I hadn't shown him some of the pics, like I must be hiding something since I did stuff without him. I always say what you see is what you get, women do this alot, find a guy with " potential" and think they can change him, well you can't, people are what they are.

As far as the breaking up thing, I have had some brutal ones too, usually involving cheating and I left right away. And yes I did wonder, as both times it was with a girl I knew, once a good friend. But then I realized that it's not always about me, that when I broke up with people it wasn't always necessarily to do with them, it can just be bad timing or just not clicking properly or whatever the case may be. It's not this big personal thing even though it feels like it is. I would say alot of breakups ( unless they involved cheating or abuse) usually involve bad timing, not being ready to settle down, or not wanting to settle down, getting bored easily...





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