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hi all

Libby from uk here, need some advice desperately. My boss and I have fallen in love and we've been dating in secret for over 6 months.
He has 3 children 7, 5 and 1 and has recently moved out of the family home into a house not too far away.
She has no idea we are seeing one another and is trying to figure out what this 'trial separation' is all about.
I'm feeling really terrible about this situation as she's calling in tears all the time and saying the kids are crying at school.
He doesn't know if whether by telling her about us she'll restrict his access to the kids.I know he doesn't want to be with her but fear he'll go back just to keep the kids happy. He feels guilty for putting himself first but he was very unhappy with his home life and the kids were privvy to the arguing and conflict over parenting styles.
We are always together and he assures me that he wants me but he also wants to keep her and the children happy.
He's been with her for 10 yrs.
what the hell do I do?
It's so har being the other woman I'd love to hear other womens experiences to try and help my restless little heart.
I know I'm second to his kids that I can live with but not knowing what will happen is eating away at me and causing stress galore
would love to hear from you
thanks

Libby
You already know the answer to this question, but if you need to hear it from a stranger; there is no happy ending to the course you are on now.

If you break it off now, it will hurt and you will move on.

If you let it ride it's course, the finale will be ugly and will hurt a lot of people and your pain will be intensified.

Don't imagine that he will leave his family for you. It rarely works out that way and if it did, think of the unholy mess it would cause. Do you want to be part of that? No, you don't.

Coincidently, I met an attractive and charming 55 year old woman a couple of weeks ago. She was never married. I imagined what she must have looked like at 40 or 30 or 20. Gosh! She must have been drop-dead gorgeous. I wondered how she ever missed the marriage experience. Come to find out, she was "the other woman" for many many years. Her lover never left his family. Eventually, he died. She had passed the prime marriage years. Now, she is very alone; no children, no common friends, no recognition as this man's wife. Her whole love experience was lived in shadows. I thought it very sad - an angle that I had not thought of before.

So, you know the answer. You can either face some hurt now and leave, or you can wait and face absolute heartbreak and probably embarrassment. This is almost surely not going to end with you finding out that the glass slipper fits your foot.
Well, if this were going to work (which isn't very likely) he'd HAVE to tell his wife about you and he'd HAVE to get a divorce right away and he'd then be a divorced dad. Of course his contact with his kids would be limited as I'm sure his wife would get full custody.

I think it is pretty bad the way he is treating his wife. How do you know that if you stay with him, he's not going to do the same thing to you in a few years? I think it was pretty horrible of him. He just had a baby a year ago!!! If you fear he'll go back with her, then why are you with him?

Hey - you deserve better than this. Everyone in this situation deserves better except this guy you're seeing. He's married and cheating on his wife who still loves him. I'd get out of the situation before it gets worse.
I think that you should come out ... a trial seperation implies that he would want to get back together with her. She can't restrict his contact with the children because he has another woman in his life.

If he is serrious, and wants a relationship with you and his children .. he will file for a divorce and get a lawyer ...
yeah I had a thought over the fact that this man has a 1 yr old baby.You say he and his wife have diffrent opinions on how to dicipline the kids.Then why did they have another kid? Also this means that their baby was only 6 months old when he started messing with you.
Anyway,I agree with the other posters you shouldnt expect much other then heartbreak.If he really was a decent man he would have divorced his wife before getting with another woman.The least he could do now is at least tell her how he feels he owes her that much.Also if he really cared so much about you and felt it was worth trashing his marriage hed tell his wife about you as well.I dont buy the whole worried about not seeing his kids thing because as said already his wife will most likely get custody of the kids.He would have a right to visitation a lawyer and the court would handle that.
So that to me is a cop out.

Iwould end it now myself and save myself some headaches and a much bigger heartbreak......the story doesnt say much for his character.
good luck
Yes, things must be difficult for him but they won't get any easier unless he does things the proper way. That is, let her know it's over (maybe without mentioning you) and let him get his custodial rightssorted earlier than later. He can't have you both happy and he has to make a choice.
Let me tell you one very true thing: if you accept things the way they are, you will remain in suspension forever, and when the excitement of your relationship fades away, he might even feel guiltier. Ask me about the ex's games. My BF hasn't seen his son for 4 years now as a punishment for being with me. He wasn't married though. Any way I hope that your BF is more of a man to do things in the most honest and least hurtful way to all.

You need to tell him that and to let him know that you will always support him/want stand in his way to see them/etc.
Good luck and let us know how things go
thanks for all your advice guys.

Just to clarify they aren't actually married, though they have been together for 10 years.

To answer the question why did they have another kid? They had what we call a 'bandage' baby as they were about to split up and then she got pregnant again.

It's hard to walk away from him as I do love him I hope I find the strength through your kind advice to just walk away but I have afeeling it won't be that simple

Libby
Alot of people survive a separation.
There are women here who have husbands who are in Iraq.

If it's meant to be he will still be there for you after his relationship is legally & officially over and the children's visitations have been settled.

If the two of you can't handle that separation maybe your relationship isn't as strong as you think??
[QUOTE=libbyj79]thanks for all your advice guys.

Just to clarify they aren't actually married, though they have been together for 10 years.

To answer the question why did they have another kid? They had what we call a 'bandage' baby as they were about to split up and then she got pregnant again.

It's hard to walk away from him as I do love him I hope I find the strength through your kind advice to just walk away but I have afeeling it won't be that simple

Libby[/QUOTE]

Wow, so he's a man who can be with a woman for 10 years and have three children with her, yet never marry her. It seems like their relationship is pretty much over and you were possibly a means to put a last straw to it. But be careful with him, even if he does stay with you. What if he's just someone not capable of committing to a woman? He could do the same thing to you: live with you for years, have kids with you, and never want to make you his wife. Would you be satisfied with that? Not saying that's what will happen necessarily but it's a possibility. Did he ever say why he never felt compelled to marry the mother of his children?

Oh, and one more thing to consider: do you want to have children? If so, you need to find out if he's also willing and financially able to have more kids, since he already has three of his own.
His idea of a "trial seperation" is to try you out for a while and see if it's worth leaving her over. I would really hate being the "other" woman where I was constantly in danger of being left for someone else. He does have kids with her. Whether or not they are married, he is linked to her for life. Are you willing to be at his every beck and call just to keep him happy? And what may happen is he may decide neither one of you is what he wants and go out playing around with other women! It's just too risky of a relationship if you ask me, but that's totally up to you to decide! Personally, I would move on.
Libby, sorry, but why did you get involved with a commited man with three children? ok not married, but still in a long term relationship.

If you had felt feelings for him, you should of dealt with them in the right way, sorry but you have been playing with fire.

What I would say you should do is, end it for now, see what happens with him and his family etc, if he stays respect him for that, but if he leaves, then he will be free to take up another relationship with you if he so wishes.

If you truly want to be with him, then hold back for now, and let him make the right decisions without any other pressures.

You mention your restless little heart, and you feeling stress galour! well I am thinking of three other restless little hearts! and the stress they are going through! as a mother I know what that is like to witness!
Honey,
He's having his cake and eating it too, feeding you a line of BS, and in the end, you'll be eating crow. Don't believe me? Do you think this is the first time he's done this? No, so the wife knows what cards to play. She doesn't [B]want[/B] his a**. Probably she [B]needs[/B] it.
Look, you are better off washing your hands of the situation, AND make no mistake, WHEN (not if) the wife wins, you are going to be out of a job, so open up those want ads.
It's just the ugly reality of it all, and you shouldn't be judged anymore than your boss (and considerably less in my opinion) BUT, babe, YOU MUST LEARN THIS LESSON (and it's not a pretty one): Don't poop where you eat. Oh, and another lesson: He who has a "wandering eye" keeps wandering....
Don't do it to yourself. You deserve better than this B.S., don't you? I think you do, and if you think you do, guess what's gonna happen when you LEAST expect it?
I was the "other woman" until recently. He broke up with me, so I might be a little biased, but to be perfectly honest, this guy is a tool.

I don't care how his marriage is/was ... the way he's treating his wife and kids is horrible. He's been married to her for 10 years, they have 3 kids, the youngest is just a year old ... at this point, it's time for counciling ... they're not newlyweds.

I have news for you though. HE'S USING YOU. I don't even know the guy, and I would bet what meager funds I have in the bank that he's going to drop you like a hot stone after two years. HE WILL LEAVE YOU, and I can almost garantee it will be all your fault ... at least according to him!

Think of it, do you want to blamed, in any way shape or form, for his divorce, because you will be!

His wife, his KIDS, his immediate family, your family, and eventually him, will blame you for everything!

Tell him that YOU want a trial seperation, until he pulls his act together. If he truly loves you, like he proclaims he does, then he'll start the process making life EASIER FOR YOU, NOT HIM.

I'm sorry for the caps hon, but I KNOW. I swear by it!
[QUOTE=Heidi1677]I was the "other woman" until recently. He broke up with me, so I might be a little biased, but to be perfectly honest, this guy is a tool.

I don't care how his marriage is/was ... the way he's treating his wife and kids is horrible. He's been married to her for 10 years, they have 3 kids, the youngest is just a year old ... at this point, it's time for counciling ... they're not newlyweds.

I have news for you though. HE'S USING YOU. I don't even know the guy, and I would bet what meager funds I have in the bank that he's going to drop you like a hot stone after two years. HE WILL LEAVE YOU, and I can almost garantee it will be all your fault ... at least according to him!

Think of it, do you want to blamed, in any way shape or form, for his divorce, because you will be!

His wife, his KIDS, his immediate family, your family, and eventually him, will blame you for everything!

Tell him that YOU want a trial seperation, until he pulls his act together. If he truly loves you, like he proclaims he does, then he'll start the process making life EASIER FOR YOU, NOT HIM.

I'm sorry for the caps hon, but I KNOW. I swear by it![/QUOTE]

Sorry, I just saw that he wasn't married, which makes him much much worse. I agree with the poster that said about him having a wandering eye, and that you'll be out of a job after this.

Do NOT give him your support. Do NOT say you'll stand by him. Don't do anything but say "Ya know what? I'm quitting, both my job and this relationship for now, until you get your life pulled together."

I'm not sure what the laws in the UK are on child support, but I know most fathers in the US pay well over $1000 (US) a month in child support, usually more ... and yes sweetness, he'll expect you to help him foot the bill :) ...

If you insist on staying with him, better get a second job.

Sorry for sounding harsh, but it's your bed baby ...
Just a thought: WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. Be careful
This man is a coward for not telling his wife the truth. Do you really want to be the wife or SO of such a weak man? Don't you ever wonder what he may be to cowardly to tell you, some day? What he may not be telling you now? Remember, if you marry, or win, an adulterer, you get an adulterer.
Let see....she just spent 9 months pregnant. Obviously, you don't have children or have ever carried a child in your belly. Sex can be uncomfortable and not a good idea in some cases.
She probably didn't want to have sex with him through much of that time and since the baby is still very young, didn't have the energy to have sex with him, because she was up all night with the child.
Your relationship has you as his 'concubine'. You have sex when he needs it. You fill that need. He will give you all kinds of excuses to keep you giving him sex.
I find this kind of 'love' foolish and empty. What you have now is what you have. I don't see him staying away forever. Especially, if they get some counceling (I recommend it hole heartly). They just need some communication skills and learn compromise.
The children are their glue. To the children you will only be the one that broke them up.
Ok, I think I have to somewhat disagree here. what he did was wrong, he shoudln't have ever had the affair, and he should tell his wife that it is over. I don't believe he needs to tell her about you though, that would just hurt her even more. But, he can't juggle both of you, he needs to make it clear that this isn't a trial seperation, but that they are over. And I'm not sure why people are mentioning money, maybe I missed that part of yoru post, but DO NOT give him money or help him that way, he is an adult and needs to figure out his own finances no his own. I find it strange that everyone is being so harsh, I mean sometimes we do marry or have kids with the wrong person, and hard as it is we as parents also have a right to be happy. Personally, if my husband didn't love ane really want to be with me anymore, I would rather he leave. This man might be a jerk and I'm not saying he isn't, I have no idea, but the fact remains that sometimes we do marry the wrong people and to seperate is the better option. There is the occasional instance where it's not all about being a pig who cheats but simply about being in the wrong relationship. I have no idea if that is the case here. I remember a woman came on here a while ago and said she wasn't happy, wasn't in love with her husband, asked if it would be selfish to leave, and most people said no, that she has a right to also be happy and sometimes we do end up with the wrong people. Funny the double standard here. Now all that being said, to the OP, if you want to be with him, wait it out, don't be with him right now, and see if he actually does officially leave his wife. And then he needs to be alone for a while. Leaping right into something with you won't work, he needs to be alone and figure it all out, work on the relationship with his kids as they will no doubt be confused and sad, custody, and all that. Also, with having 3 kids, odds are he will get some kind of custody, and that is a big deal, that means if you end up together these kids will be in your life one way or the other, are you really ready for that? It's alot to think about, but one thing to remember is your relationship doesn't have much of a chance, first marriages have about a 50% change of divorce, second marriages where there are kids involved have a very low success rate, I would imagine due to all the issues that come along with step-parenting. Also, since your relationship did start as an affair, could you ever trust him? I know I wouldn't be able to.
jenna is 100% right! Wait and see what he will do before you make the mistake of getting involved. Suppose you jump right in thinking he's over his wife and he ends up going back to her? And the fact that there are kids involved.....you don't want them blaming you for the seperation which is what they'll do because you will jump right in and they will think you are taking their mom's place. Risky stuff. Just wait and see what happens. Seperation and divorce brings lots of baggage into a new relationship.





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