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Re: Weird question
Jul 4, 2006
Ok, well here's what I've noticed.

I've been paying closer attention.

I went 4.5 years without anything. No girlfriend, no sex, no prospects...nothing. I moved out here in January, met this girl...she was already taken. We fell in love, but secretly. She did not cheat on him, and I never would have pushed her to take it that far because I really cared about her...but when we were together it was insanity.

I could read her mind literally. She would be saying something and I could walk up and complete her sentence before she got it all out. We would say exactly the same thing at exactly the same time over and over. We worked together, so it's funny. I would drive up, she would drive up and we'd both be listening to the same song at the same time...it was very very weird.

We never dated, but we developed intense feelings and connections for each other....we would sit outside intending to talk for like 5 min...and end up talking for 3-4-5 hours straight about the most odd...random things...our brains would go places I never thought it could go until I met her...and it seemed like 5 min...though it was hours....

When she broke up with her boyfriend alot happened to her, she pushed me away...I got clingy and obsessive and needy....it exploded in our faces...and now she's been gone for over a month. It ended horribly.

Here's the thing.

I've been taking notice to my thoughts and dreams, and I've been thinking about my history...as far back as my early high school days, I'm 22 now.

I notice it when I wake up in the morning, and it's been that way for longer than I've realized. My mind is making things up because it's gotten to that point.

I'm taking more notice of my dreams, my day dreams, my thoughts and my actions. When I sleep. It's very very.......odd.

Maybe my mind made the real her up. Maybe she never really existed. (Okay, that's not true)

My mind is making a mock up of her, in my dreams, my day dreams and my thoughts. I've moved on from Jen (Jen was her name), and latched on to someone in my mind that looks and acts just like her....except she didn't abandon me.

That's extremely frightening because I feel like a psycho admitting that.

This is probably the reason I either push the few away, or just completely stay away from them.

My mind is attempting to fill a hole that's been inside of me for far too long now. At some point your brain begins to try and create its own solution...if you physically can't fix it.

I'm so terrified of women in every reguard now, that my mind has made a fake one up that won't hurt me like all the real ones have. This is the reason I won't approach women. This girl and I had mutually fallen for each other. But as far as actually going up to a girl I don't know and saying something terrifies me. I won't go after it because my mind has made one up that...while it focusses on her...it attempts to feel happy and loved...but in "reality" it pushes me further into depression and further into loneliness.

What is that all about? Is that normal?

Or if it's not...how do I get my mind to stop?





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