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[QUOTE=Lance0204]actually, stacy i think you should just leave things the way they are since you like what you have with him. also i think the first thing you have to do is really decide if you want a bf or not. do you think you might lose him to another girl if you don't find out where things stand exactly?? i ask because you say that he pretty much assumes that you'll always be dating some other guy and thus he'd be open to seeing other women since you guys aren't together or anything.[/QUOTE]

Eath, thanks for your post, and I really agree. I am someone who prizes independence and emotional self sufficiency above almost everything but my integrity, and so to me, to depend on someone else for completeness would be horrible. I really feel like I will not be ready to have a partner in life until I am truly content with my life as a solo person, and while I have always strove for this and been quite happy overall, I do not feel like I'm there yet. So maybe someday when I am a whole person on my own, I will meet a man who is the same way, and we can then settle down in a healthy way and be happy together. That might be really nice. But I'd also like to be prepared to live my life alone and enjoy that too if necessary.

Lance, I think you make several great points and I always appreciate your input as a fellow INTJ ;), so thank you very much. :wave: You are right, I do really need to decide what I want before anything changes between Brendan and I, because once it changes, we might not be able to go back. I'd be lying if I said I was desperate to be with just one guy and have a serious boyfriend, but then again, other guys pale in comparison to Brendan when I weigh out all their qualities and attributes. So maybe he will become my boyfriend by default, not because I'm limiting myself, but because I voluntarily want to be with him and just him. I am not sure, but I don't think he would get with another girl, though I could not blame him or be angry if he did because I have done the same thing. I would never want to hold him back from doing what he wanted, but he doesn't seem to want to be with women other than me, he never really has. I think he's just not into being with a lot of different women the way some men are and the way, if I am going to be honest, the way I am too.

I guess I just believe in more of a free love policy than most in, if I care about and respect a man, and want to make love with him, why shouldn't I? If we aren't lying and hurting anyone? Many people just do not understand that and cannot conceive of wanting to be with anyone other than the one partner they love. But I am not like that by temperment, I don't really understand why people don't all sleep around with each other as long as it is fun, safe, and casual. Maybe I should have grown up in the sixties and seventies before all the propaganda about STDs and abstinence made everyone scared to reject monogamy. I have always wanted to be with a lot of different men, and I love men so much that I have a hard time saying no sexually to anyone I really really like and find attractive. Some people don't have that player tendency or instinct at all though, and I have never been attracted to men who have a lot of girls around or who have ever cheated on a girlfriend. I don't know why, but I don't like men who like women as much as I like men, if that makes sense.

So yes Lance, to answer your question in a not at all succinct manner :), I think things could stay the way they are here indefinitely, because we both seem very content being close friends as well as lovers. And he is a sweet guy, he actually cares about me and what I think and how I am doing and not just how I look or what we do in bed. That makes me feel good about myself, I like men who make me feel like the best possible Stacy. As for whether I would lose him if I don't make it clear that I want a relationship, I think probably not, or at least I feel pretty sure that he wouldn't leave me for someone else without first giving me a chance to change my mind about being "single." My best guess is that he will not date other women not because he can't or shouldn't, but because he doesn't want to...which is not dissimilar from the way I feel about him. We did talk when I first saw him again this year after not seeing him for a few years. The first night I saw him, we were all snuggly and cuddly right away and he teased me about (not) being engaged, and asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, do you have a girlfriend, and he said definitely not. Then we went home together and we have been talking pretty much every day since then. Very early on I asked if he was capable of having a relationship and falling in love and all that and he said yes that he had done both of those things and thinks he can do them. I said do you want to get married, and he said not anytime soon (right answer!) and I said do you want kids and he said maybe someday (also the right answer!). Then maybe the second night we hung out, I asked if he thought we were like an exclusive couple, and he said that since we'd only seen each other twice in a few years, that he didn't think we should think of it like that right then, and I agreed with him. Then of course we dropped the subject completely and immediately went back to talking about nerdy things we find much more interesting than our relationship, such as school, golf, and science. That was a few months back though and since then we have not discussed anything about our commitment status or feelings--we both hate to talk about those things. I did tell him on Friday when I saw him after being away for a week that I really missed him and couldn't wait to see him again (maybe not a big deal for some girls but more than I would ever say to most men), and he said of course I missed you a lot too (of course??!! Like it's obvious?!!!? Whatever.) That is about as mushy as either of us are likely to get.

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