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Hi...

Just a warning........this is long........very long....almost a novel.....beware!!!

I am just after some advice on my current situation, and also think I just needed to write it all down to try and get it out of my system. Well, I have been working part time at the same place for 2yrs and in about February a new guy started. We got along really well and we ended up having very similar personalities. I wasn't really attracted to him at the start, but he was such an awesome guy, that I knew that once I got to know him better that I would develop feelings for him. One night we were out and we kissed. It was harmless and funny and we spent the evening laughing and having a good time. I could tell that he wasn't really interested in more, and I accepted that and didn't really pay to much attention to it. I could also start to see that he was flirting excessive with this other girl at work, who was good friends of mine. About a month later I heard from some other people at work that he liked her. This hurt a little bit because we were starting to get to know eachother better, and I just pushed it out of my mind. She always flirted really badly with him, but didn't really show any real interest. So, another drunken night out, we end up with people from work again and a bunch of us went back to his place to sleep for the night. I ended up laying next to him, and all of a sudden in the middle of the night he put his arms around me and started hugging me. We both kind of laughed it off, and I said to him 'i'm not going to kiss you if you like the other person'. He said that he didnt like anyone at this stage, and after about 4hours of resistance we kissed again. Ok, so I knew that he didn't really have feelings for me, but I couldn't really help my mind wandering! It was 3wks later and we were at a work function and the two of them were flirting uncontrollably. It made me feel sick to my stomach. They ended up going home together. I was pretty upset, and the next day my so called 'friend' just acted like nothing had happened. I was so mad that she didn't even think that this would hurt me...more that she knew it would, but thought it was ok if she pretended it didn't. So that was one of the worst feelings I've felt in this. She make comments infront of me about him like 'ohh yeah Johnny last night, he was being stupid and tried to kiss me'....and im like IM RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

So the story continues. She wasn't interested in him, because she could have had him and she is ever only interested in what others want, or something that's a challenge, or is strategic. (I have known her for 2yrs and have seen this time and time again...she has actually been diagnosed with obessive compulsive disorder). She just uses guys for her own egotistical needs then leaves them shattered.

So anyway, me and him talked about the situation, and i told him that i wouldnt have kissed him if id known he was going to kiss her. He genuinely apologised, and we had a big talk about everything. This was the start of us getting really close. He has absolutely every quality that I could possibly look for in a guy, and I started to really like him, despite all this crap that had been going on. In the mean time, 'she' had kissed his best friend and also some other random when he was out with her one night.
He tells me that he 'couldn't be with her', because he would be disrespecting himself. So, as we spent more and more time together, we ended up kissing on a few more occassions. He told me though, that he still wanted her as a friend.

Then one night came. He was already out with some people, including her, and I was out with some other work friends, who wanted to stop by where they were. As soon as I walked in 'she' jumps right over to him. 5minutes later I see them outside having a very serious conversation. One of the guys i was with said to me 'you can obviously see what's going on, and you need to have more respect for yourself'. He was right. I said to Johnny that this was it for us, and he'd left me no choice but to walk away.

I was pretty shattered. I told him that we needed space...the first two days of 'space' we ended up speaking for like 2hrs both nights, but then after that I controlled myself, and we didnt really talk on the phone or outside of work for about a week. Everytime i saw him at work I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything that had happened that day..but i didn't. At the end of that week, i started to realise that i ws driving a huge gap between us, and i didnt want it to be like that, so i said let's just be normal again...so we did.

i still had very little contact with him, until we were out again and we ended up spending the night together (we didnt sleep together, but weren't far off). I knew that this was a stupid thing to do, but really couldn't control myself.

About 3days later I hear from someone else at work that they had been hanging out during the week. This made my stomach absolutely turn. I knew that they were going to be friends but it hurt actually hearing it. Then i heard from someone else that they were practically together at this time. I was so angry and he could see this, because i was so cold towards him at work, but he made no attempt to make it better. it ended up being 3wks since we had spoken outside of work...this made me so upset. we had been such good friends before, and now, he is pretty much asking me how the weather is. and he always calls me a nickname, and the other day was the first time in ages he said my actual name. ...and i continue to hear that the two are together.

so here's me not knowing what's going on, so angry at him for not telling me that they're together, and so upset that he doesnt care that im angry and hardly speaking to him. i gave him the benifit of the doubt, and decided to call him, as it was hardly worth letting this friendship go without trying to fix it. he didn't answer and the next morning at work he said he was sorry he couldnt answer because he was doing something. The small talk absolutely makes me want to break down into tears and it really upsets me everyday when i see him say 'hi' to me at work. Last night i decided that i dont want to be mad at him, (it just makes me feel like crap, and i still very much wanted him part of my life)

Our MSG dialogue went like this:
Me: 'Ok... i dont know if this is bothering u at all but i hate how things r with us.. i dont want to angry but nothings goin to change if we dont speak, so just letting you know that if u wanna talk u no where to find me. otherwise, if ur happy and this is the way u want things just ignore this msg...
Him: I'm not ignoring. Im trying to not be weird. im just assuming ur angry. can we just not be angry or weird?
Me: me saying things arnt going to b weird isnt going to change how i feel about this... and i dont do fake.. if u dont think that we need to talk then we prob dont..
Him: You seem angry..or distant. im just trying to be normal. Maybe im being **** though...am i? and be honest
Me: I am angry... angry or upset or some other negative emotion. i was told that u 2 were pretty much together when we kissed last time and we dont talk anymore so i can hardly try to clarify things... and obviously this is the way u want things to b otherwise they would b different... we've gone from u msgn me to tell me that a lady was eating cereal 4 dinner, to this....
Him: I didnt think me and her were gonna work when me and you kissed. then the problem kind went away after that. the problem being her ex if u really want to know. i dont want to be like this... its fake and stupid.. i want to be ur friend.
Me: mayb u and me are not so alike after all... nite

I absolutely broke down in tears after his last msg. its like i was never an issue with them not getting together earlier, and like i was just a convenient thing........ and this morning i went to work.... he was there... i absolutely wanted to cry.... but instead his presence just made me so sad and hurt, and now it actually physically hurts. my chest actually feels like someone has stabbed it. i know that this is an emotional problem, but i am in acutal real pain and i just dont know how to be around him...im still angry but i dont want to be, becuase it upsets me.

so now, they r together (im no longer speaking to her, Laura, who also works with us, because she has done a similar thing to me in the past and i cant stand the sight or thought of her) ..and he still hasnt told me that they r together and just acts as if its all ok... its his bday on saturday and i didnt want there to be any tension with us, especially on his birthday, bcos i thort it mite upset him... but i dnt think he cares.

despite everything...he is still everything that i have ever wanted in a guy (ive left out a lot of the good, because it will prob jst make me feel worst), but he honestly is such a genuine good guy.... but now im in absolute pain every time i see him. wat should i do??? i dont want it to hurt anymore.....





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