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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 12 years now, we are both 27 now, got together when we were 15. Both of us came from divorced homes where our fathers were basically deadbeats that fell off the face of the earth after the divorces. Then we both had abusive stepfathers come into the pictures, mine was mentally abusive, his was mentally abusive to his mother and him. This is about where we found eachother and found strength in eachother.

About 7 years ago he decided he wanted to be near his family and move 2 states away, he left it completely up to me if I wanted to come because he knew it would mean me leaving MY family behind. He is also DEATHLY afraid of flying and I actually enjoy it so I figured it would be easier for me to get on a plane to see my family then it would be for him. So I moved with him and we were happy for at least 4 years.


Then our relationship changed a little, we became more like roomates then partners, and lost touch with the intimacy that we used to have. We decided (with the help of his councelor) that maybe we are codependant on eachother and that maybe the best thing for our relationship would be to live seperately for a little while, pay our debts down and re-discover ourselves personally since we have been a couple for so long. So I moved in with a roommate and he moved in with his grandmother. This just created more distance between us and even though we declared ourselves "together", he was unfaithful to me. It broke my heart and I was prepared to leave him forever. Our relationship hit rock bottom, the VERY rock bottom. (Please do not judge me unless you've been in this situation) I forgave him and it actually brought us closer together as we realized how we go to that point in out relationship and how much we REALLY meant to eachother. We agreed that we would both see psychologists to work our our codependant/trust/self-esteem/etc issues. So since then we have moved back in together, and he even gave me a "promise" ring. It's been about a year since all this has happened. My psychologist basically told me that I need to stop bottling things up and talk to him more.

Let me back up... our issues started about 2 years ago when I made it known to him that I was ready for the marriage/kids step in my life. So my shrink gave me a homework assignment that I need to actually talk to him about what his goals are in life and if they are what I want too. I am very bad at initiating conversations like this so I kept putting it off and I would try and make dates with him to talk but things kept coming up. So finally I told him, being July, that our big talk would be on our 12 year anniversary which is in September. I figured it would be a good place to talk because it would just be us and a table at a resturaunt, and maybe he would even want ot propose!
That is just my own delusional thoughts I guess. Because...

A couple nights ago we were laying in bed and started talking. He said that he had been thinking a lot since we decided to make the "talk-date". And instead of bottling stuff up and making it worse he decided to just talk to me. He told me that he knows how much I want to get married and have kids. Our hitch is the kid part, he is scared to have kids, especially because the only role model he had growing up was an abusive step-father and a deadbeat dad. He is just not excited like I am for that. And he says that he can figure out if the reason that he's not excited is because he is too scared to have kids or if that means that he doesn't want them...he doesn't know.
So during our talk he says that more then one of his psychologists have told him that maybe he needs to live on his own and find out what he really wants.
He has always lived with someone that took care of him, weather his mom, me or his grandma. He says the shrinks told him that there are things that a person learns when they live alone.

So right now we are considering that as a possibility, to be honest, if he doesn't want kids and I stayed with him, I would feel that there was a GIANT hole in my life. But I also feel that we are soulmates, and if we took a break now I will become very bitter and have too much baggage from abandonment/trust/self-esteem issues to ever have such a deep relationship with someone ever again. 12 years is a long time to devote to one person to just throw it all away. Either way I feel like I lose.

I'm sorry for such a long post but and advice would be GREATLY appriciated.

~sad_in_sd





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