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His friends...
Jul 30, 2006
Hi, i'm new to this so I hope i'm doing it right.

My boyfriends friends gave me a lot of grief when we first started going out, and caused a LOT of stress to our relationship. He since stopped seeing them for about 6+ months, but is now reconciling with his best friend. His friend has not apologised to my boyfriend or to myself, and I am extremely concerned that it will return to the old ways. My friend is very defensive when I bring up concern and probably feels as though i'm attempting to control him. I want my bf to be happy and have an active social life, but should he be meeting me halfway now by keeping his friends at a casual distance, or do I have to accept to defeat, keep my mouth shut and let him resume old ways? How can I stop this from causing serious stress to myself and my relationship? :confused:
Re: His friends...
Jul 31, 2006
Thanks so much for your thoughts...

At the end of the day my boyfriend and I communicate on a very deep level, and there's not much we leave unsaid. There is a lot of respect and we are indeed very close. Generally I do think he is maybe a weaker personality than I am, which is challenging at times... so even though he says one thing I guess my real concern is that he won't follow through. I guess only time will tell how much his friends influence him this time around. I think he is easily swayed, and often doesn't find fault with many situations. Several months after we had been dating, his friends took him away for the weekend and invited his ex girlfriend and her friends to come along.. and not me. My boyfriend went!

Today he asked me why I care now that they're back in the picture... that sure, hurtful things were done in the past but why did it really affect me? I dont know if he's simply more mature than I am or just not wanting to accept the fact that his friends tried desparately to push me away from him and their "circle of friends" which included his ex. Should I forgive them for my boyfriends sake? If I don't I'll miss out on many social opportunities that I know my boyfriend will attend without me. Is it healthy for him to lead a completely separate life away from me? Is that how I real partnership works? Don't get me wrong the guy needs to have time and friends separate from our relationship. But when does it become disrespectful? Should I let this go completely and get over it?

I would love a guys interpretation on this too!
Re: His friends...
Jul 31, 2006
[I][B]"...hurtful things were done in the past but why did it really affect me?"[/B][/I]
If you talked to him about it, then he knows full well why it affects you.

[I][B]"I dont know if he's simply more mature than I am or just not wanting to accept the fact that his friends tried desparately to push me away from him and their "circle of friends" which included his ex."[/B][/I]
I don't know if he's more mature than you but I would kind of doubt it.
What his friends did was incredibly rude and hurtful. The least they could've done was get to know you, if for no other reason than out of respect for your bf. And if your bf wanted to show you respect, he would tell his friends that he is a package deal and you are part of that package.

[I][B]"Should I forgive them for my boyfriends sake? If I don't I'll miss out on many social opportunities that I know my boyfriend will attend without me."[/B][/I]
If you want to forgive them, do it for your own sake. You don't need to be carrying that baggage around anyway. Doesn't mean you forget, or even trust them, but at least you're making peace, and in the process of forgiveness they might even start to feel bad for their behavior.
[I]
[B]"Is it healthy for him to lead a completely separate life away from me? Is that how I real partnership works?"[/B][/I]
If it's normal and healthy to lead a completely separate life from the one you love, then I'll keep my abnormal relationship. I really don't see how a good partnership could work that way.

[I][B]"Don't get me wrong the guy needs to have time and friends separate from our relationship. But when does it become disrespectful?"[/B][/I]
When does it become disrespectful? When he never invites you to spend time with him while he's with his friends or allows them to count you out. When you're hurting, he knows it, but doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

[I][B]"Should I let this go completely and get over it?"[/B][/I]
Forgive them because it will make [I]you [/I]feel better. Then watch your boyfriends behavior. You'll see where you stand. You may find that you'd be happier without him.





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