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Well, where to begin?

I am a young female, recently graduated with highest honors from university...but with a liberal arts degree. I accepted that there was no jobs available for me in my field, or any other field for that matter. So I made arranagments to obtain a two year degree for which I know there is a demand and I am actually very, very interested in. I started the program but had to drop out because it was a full-time program, and after four years of college, you can imagine how very poor I am. So now, despite my excitement to get this two year technical degree, I am going to have wait while I save up some money.

I am currently waiting tables, averaging about 5 measley bucks an hour, and losing self esteem with every step. I tell my bf about my situation, and then he says "oh guess how much money i make while taking a pooh---" let's just say it is a lot 'cause of the field he is in. and he's only an intern!

To top it all off, my boyfriend of five years has made it clear that he is afraid to committ to me for the rest of his life, he says I am unstable. I have had issues with depression and anxiety so I can understand where he is coming from.

I am very frustrated because absolutely NONE of this is what I imagined would happen. I mean, I work my bootie off. My bf and I had planned to live together our 3rd year of school, and then get married after we both completed undergrad. Well let's just say nobody has asked me to marry him. Well, he did one day, but that sicko was only joking. THAT IS A HORRIBLE joke to play on a girl. I still don't get why the heck he does that. (And we never did live together, 'cause my parents would have severed ties with me.) I also thought by holding various jobs and experiences I did throughout school that I would be able to find decent work. I mean, why did I go to college to work the same job I could've gotten with out even a h.s. diploma?!?!?

Any advice would be appreciated. What i am really wanting to ask about, tho, after all this venting, is what to do with my relationship. We've been together for 5 years! I want some sort of indication of committment from this guy. You'd think well sheesh he's been in it this long he is obviously committed but then i see all over these boards people married and not even committed. It makes me feel like i can't trust anybody. He even told me recently that he was making plans to break up with me until I called him and had a talk with him. Sheesh, what am I supposed to make of that? I said to him, "well, i hope i didn't ruin your plans:confused:"

Here's what i am thinking of doing. My bf will be living in a different city than i do for the next year as he completes his masters. Since i have nothing tying me down, i am thinking of moving to the city he lives in to be closer to him. i will of course be living with a roomate or someone to share cost, not my bf as he has said he does not want to live with! i will get a job and wait tables while i try to save up money for school so that i can go back after a couple of years of working crappy jobs. But do you think i will regret it? I mean, it makes me feel like i'm doing him a favor and following him around like a little lost puppy---like he gets his cake and eats it, too. I feel that if the tables were reversed more than likely he wouldn't come to where I was. I just often feel like i'm the one planning my life around him, while he doesn't seem to care about adjusting his life to me in any way.

I dont like feeling inferior in the relationship. Sorry so long. Please help!

One last thing, he has always had this fantasy of seeing me with another guy, well it isn't a fantasy anymore. I gave him his little dream a few years ago and it is something i certainly dont want to repeat. he still asks about this and wants me to talk about it, etc. I feel like he doesn't value me, my love, my body, my self-esteem. He knows how bad this stuff makes me feel, yet he is so selfish that he thinks the only thing that matters is his little fantasy. He thinks the least i can do is talk to him about it if i am not going to actually do it...

*sigh, the is lowest point of my life. i thought it was going to be the highest. i saw myself married, finally done with school and out in the world with a real job. instead i am broke, lonely, and trying to get my bf whom i dont see as much as id like to shut up about other guys!

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