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Re: Love issue
Aug 11, 2006
I believe very strongly that the way to tell if a relationship is a positive, beneficial influence in your life is to evaluate what that relationship brings out in you. If someone brings out your best qualities and you really like the person you are when you are around them, chances are that the relationship is solid and healthy. If on the other hand, someone brings out qualities that you don't like or admire, it's extremely likely that the relationship is a toxic influence that you would be much better off eradicating from your life. My most recent ex-boyfriend and I had a very serious relationship, living together for three years, but in retrospect, I can see that while he was a great guy and I loved the way he treated me, it wasn't a good relationship because it brought out a side of me that I didn't like. Instead of feeling confident and independent, I started feeling needy and clingy, and looking back, the person I was when I was with my ex wasn't who I want to be. One of the reasons, by contrast, that I am happy with my new guy is that I really like the qualities he brings out in me. When I'm around him and even when I'm not, he influences me to feel more independent, calm, patient, secure, and content. I love the person I am with him, and the parts of me that being around him brings out in me. And that tells me that the relationship as a whole is really promising and positive, just as the way I was around my ex was a sign that the relationship was troubled, unhealthy, and not meant to be.

It makes me really sad to see a woman as obviously intelligent and talented as you feeling down on herself because of a relationship, like she hates the person she is around the man in her life. He seems to make you feel insecure, confused, dependent, anxious, and also seems to make you constantly doubt yourself and question your feelings. It really does sound like you are trying to delude yourself into thinking that you're wrong to want to be treated well and loved by someone who brings out the best in you, but I think you're too smart to fall for that absurd idea. You are unhappy because you want and deserve more than you're getting and more than you know (deep down) that you will ever get from this guy. Trying to convince yourself otherwise and talk yourself into being happy in what sounds to me like a very unhappy relationship is only making you more miserable. You are just way too smart to be content with a man who doesn't make you feel good and doesn't exert a positive influence on your life. Please realize that there is so much more out there than you are getting now--it's hard to take that on faith when you're young and in love and scared of being alone and starting over, but it is definitely true. Don't let this relationship drag you down...relationships are supposed to make you happy, confident, and secure, but this one seems to cause you nothing but negative emotions.
Re: Love issue
Aug 23, 2006
Hi, hope you guys can still offer your fantastic help.

A few days after my last post on these boards it was the end of his exams and we all went out (friends etc) to celebrate. I had been with my boyfriend all day and the time was approaching half mid night when I decided enough was enough- i had a great night but i was left feeling so tired. My boyfriend got very annoyed by this and walked me to the bustop- i was angered by his reaction and asked him not to take me home on the bus. He went back to the party. I got home, fell asleep and woke up to find he hadnt called or messaged me to see if i got home ok. I decided that was it, so I called him and told him it was over. He accepted that he should have called but was right in going back to the party- fair enough- i didnt want misery guts taking me home moaning. I broke up with him. I was crying for the entire day in my aunties arms, then he called me back, thinking i wasnt being serious about the breakup, he thought I needed time to cool down. He talked me round- hindsight- why oh why? lol anyway, my boyfriend and i like to argue- i know what i wrote sounds bad and it is- its appalling- i find it horrible- and these tihngs suggest to me he really doesnt love me. i cant ask him out straight. bear with me.
Things have been really good since then- apart from the day after the morning breakup- we met up and he went nuts in the car, he told me he couldnt handle me breaking up with him again blah blah blah. I told him I have found things difficult as of late, and he agreed that it wasnt easy for me, and that although it is difficult, i need to let go of certain things which have happened in the past otherwise we wont work out. fair enough. he was saying that he feels as though he has to put in all the effort with me, i am cold etc- i just cant help it though. he also said i wasnt loving/ affectionatew/ expressive enough with him- esp during sex- but i find it difficult. i do not feel as though I am in a secure, loving, caring relationship, romantic etc- and he said he feels the same and we need to work on it etc etc we are in a partnership and i should stop expecting him to do everything to make things work. at last he is talking some sense.
he is away with family at the moment but when he returns we are going away for a few days holiday and he wants me to meet his parents.
i should be happy, despite the ups and many DOWNS as of late?
yeah, im going away with him, yeah im meeting the parents- but the little things count too- like calling to check if i got home ok, like buying me little gifts, making me feel really loved? but then again he does pay for everyting, always calls me at least three times a day if we arent out together etc also what i dont like is him "thinking" about joining me on a snowsports holiday in december. i think he may be planning to go to canada with his male friends, maybe that is why he didnt jump at the chance to come with me. i just wish he'd jump up and say "yeah darling thats so exciting, i cant wait" instead of "ermmm its not my kinda thing, let me think about it"- i hate it! i want to feel as though he wants to do everytihng with me every minute. or i just want to feel as tho he is madly in love with me- i want it so bad. maybe, as one of my friends puts it, he is as insecure as me, and i maybe i should make the first moves, like being really really lovey dovey. something needs to happen. if we carry on like this, i dont see anytihng changing.
im very confused, i dont know what to be happy with, i dont know whats real anymore. am i making this all up in my head??i think things will improve ALOT when i go back to university in a month and a half time- ill have more on my plate, ill be busier, be with friends etc.
but at the moment, it really seems as though he is putting in the effort etc but he is quite flippant and is never serious- this annoys me- i dont know what he means, jokes about etc. we've been going out for almost over a year now- and yes- its been very rocky. i want more than just this. have i just got to give it time? he seems as tho he is putting in the effort- but other things contradict this. i want to let go and forgive and forget but i find it sooo difficult at times. when im with him, its ok. when we are apart i wonder and i get thinking and miserable. i dont think i want to have sex with him anymore.
oh please help.
writing this makes me think- wow he does sound like he is leading me on, such a playboy as some of you have suggested- but honestly, im not dillusional, he really isnt like that...i think we both have issues that need sorting out. maybe he just isnt into me- but he says he is crazy about me. he wouldnt be giving up his holiday with his friends, and wanting me to meet his parents if i was someone who didnt mean a lot to him- or am i wrong? hes never introduced anyone to hsi family. when i think like this, i think maybe i need to take charge and maybe start showing more affection and be more lovey dovey- maybe just to show him its ok, show him im not messing him around etc but then i think i want him to make the first moves. we are both insecure.

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