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Hi Tanabear and posters...

This thread really struck a chord with me. So many similarities to my situation. The irony of it is that I posted that situation on here a few months ago.. and was absolutely FLAMED. Not that the advice wasn't "correct" (although, thats always a matter of opinion)... but I think the posts here were fantastic. Especially from the first couple of posters.

I'm also 22. He's also 30. He also works where I do. I have been sleeping with him for 2 months, and he is in a long-term relationship with another woman. Seeing a few similarities? :dizzy: Now you see why I just had to reply to this thread.

It is a hard pill to swallow, isn't it, when you expose your 'infidelities' here, looking for some rationalization, perhaps someone to say its 'all ok' and to carry on as you are, or find some connection with someone who has been through it and has come out of it beaming and high-fiving and feeling like a winner... and all you get is warnings, doubts and a big lecture on morality.

Thing is, after being through it, I'm inclined to say that all the warnings are pretty much correct. I started off as you did, loving it, in complete lust with this man... I have always been attracted to older men, and he is a stunner too, we connect fantastically, great friend, great in bed... the whole lot. We had been flirting for what felt like years. I never thought anything of it - he had a gf of 3 years. Until he ended up in my bed one night. Shocker.

It is a couple of months later, and I feel pretty damn awful. Guilt is sometimes delayed.. it did not set in for me until a few weeks ago. He does not live with this gf, and he has told me EVERYTHING your guy has told you, and the rest - they hardly sleep together and when they do the sex is bad and not passionate, they are different, she is nagging and high maintenance and demanding, she is a workaholic and has different views on life to him... all of that bull. But then I stopped and thought... what do I really know about this girl? She works hard, is close to her family, career-minded, has lots of friends... it occured to me that I have only really heard his side of the story, and the cold, hard facts do NOT paint a negative picture of her in the slightest. Then the guilt set in. She is being CHEATED on by this guy... who probably adores him just like I do. Nagging and high-maintenance? Maybe she is just smarter than he has given her credit for. She probably senses he's a liar and a cheater.

This guilt is no fun, Tanabear! It creeps up on you too. Then you begin to realise just how unimportant you are in their life, aswell. They are still WITH their gf's, despite all they say to us. Actions speak louder than words. They are men that go for what they want, thats why they are sleeping with us, isn't it? Then why don't they break up with their gf's? There are many ways to rationalize this. "Oh, he's just busy. He's lazy. He doesn't want the monumental fallout with his ***** gf. It is easier for him to just keep it how it is". No, no, no. Truth is, for whatever reason, he is too cowardly, or needs and wants something from her, and we are just the 'side order', and never the main course. Mix in the fact that i was easy in the first place, and now he doesn't have any REASON to change the situation, cos he's getting everything he wants, isn't he? His cake, and eating it too, so to speak.

It was when I realised, on top of all this, that I had developed feelings for him, that my decision REALLY hit me hard in the face. Its no fun, and it can happen slowly, and with plenty of denial and a good dose of excuses, you can make yourself believe you are fine with the situation when you really aren't. That is why I posted my original post on this board, and believe it or not, that is why you did too.

I know the mum's probably told you a whole lot about their 'failing relationship'.. but I had that too... his best friend is my close friend, and he tells me all the time they are 'miss-matched' and the rest. But at the end of the day, these people don't know. The only one that knows is him, and he's not exactly getting 10/10 for honesty, judging by his actions. Sux, I know. But seeing as you don't want a relationship, it shouldnt matter to you I suppose.

I truly think, if you are fine with it, and you are having fun and it continues in that way, and you are careful about who finds out (extra careful! Its hard!) then you are a much more resiliant person than me, and good luck to you! I wish my situation could have worked out better. Perhaps it still will, but only if he straps on a pair, and breaks up with his gf. Be careful around work, people can pick up on body-language very well, i've noticed. I've already been interrogated by a couple of people. Think up some good lines! Keep it cool. Although by this stage... perhaps you are back to studying again.

Let me know whats happening... I'd love to hear your situation lately, maybe it will help with mine.

And if anyone else can add their 2cents, I think I need them right now!


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