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How to love?
Aug 16, 2006
I'm becoming completely and utterly frustrated with myself. My boyfriend is one of the best people I've ever met. I like him in every way and have no complaints of significance. He is the first guy that I've dated that I haven't ruled out a future with right from the start. In every other relationship I've been in, I've KNOWN I don't want to be with the person for good.

My problem is that he has said he loves me and I have not been able to say it back. I feel so sad that he might feel rejected by that. The problem is though, that I think I could be in love with him, but every time I go to say it, it gets stuck. Actually, any time I go to say ANYTHING important or about my feelings, I freeze up and say nothing at all. The poor guy doesn't know how much I care for him. I wish I could tell him that I find him attractive, interesting and such an honest, decent person.

It's not just verbally that I freeze up though. It's also showing affection. I'm just so unable to instigate anything. I'm quite receptive to his advances, but I'd love to be able to grab HIS hand, or be the one to kiss HIM when I want to. I think I'm incredibly scared of smothering him - what if I kiss him when he doesn't feel like it?

I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to show the love and affection I feel. Why can't I expose it? Why does it make me feel sick to express it? It must be so unrewarding to have me as a girlfriend. I am so sure that he'll tire of me and cheat on me to find some love. How can I change before he does that?

I come from a family that does not express love. I KNOW my parents love me even if they don't say it, because they do a lot for me and obviously care about how I feel. There is also zero physical affection in my family - we don't even kiss/hug when someone is going on a long holiday or when someone is sad and crying.

I'm sure growing up in this family has influenced the way I am. Am I destined to be an outwardly cold and lonely person forever?

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