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An update - Aaahh!

So, I was going to take the advice and not say anything to him, just let things be. That, however, didn't last too long.

I saw him a few days ago, we were out together at a club. Well, we didn't go together, but I went because I knew he would be there. I wasn't going to try and hang out with him all night...I wanted to, but I wasn't going to hang on him, you know? I was talking to some other people when he came over, we started dancing, and basically were glued to each others hip, literally, all night.

He said he wanted to pretend that I was his girlfriend, just for the night. I thought that was funny and said okay. I have to admit that I felt like the cat who ate the canary, because he had girls coming up to him to say hello all night, and girls buying drinks for him, but he insisted I not leave his side, and that I was "protecting" him from everyone else.

Well, we flirted hardcore, and pretty much all of the stuff I said in my post came out at some point. It was obvious how I felt. And obvious how he felt too. However, even after my night as his "girlfriend" I still contend that it is something I could never be. But the way I feel still won't go away, and continues to just build! I'm so freaking confused and upset!

That was probably the most fun I've had in years. But I keep telling myself, it's JUST the newness factor. I had the same kind of pride and self-satisfaction when I first got together with my boyfriend, and loved having everyone see me with him. I've long since gotten over who my boyfriend is, and I'm thinking maybe I just want that old excitement back. I'll always be a groupie at heart. But it is more than that. I love being with BoB ;) even when no one is around to see us, well I love it especially when no one else is around.

It's like...it's just so bad. I could sit here and type until I'm blue in the face (fingers?) about how I could never see myself with him, don't want to get involved in his complicated life. And I don't. But this stupid feeling won't go away. I'm still happiest when I'm around him. I hate feeling so possessive, because I don't believe in that, don't believe in trying to own a person. I tell my boyfriend all the time that he can sleep with other women on the road, I don't care, even though he professes to be a one-woman man. But as long back as I could remember, seeing BoB even look at another girl will send my blood pressure through the roof. And I HATE this SO much.

I don't even want to go on vacation with my boyfriend because all I can think is, I don't want to leave town and miss being away from BoB for so long. What is wrong with me? AM I in love with him? Or do I just want him because he's not mine? This has me so strung out, and I just feel like I can't live like this forever. I wish I could pick up and move a thousand miles away, away from all of this.

I try so hard to be casual, like oh I'm so glad we have this friendship and care about each other, and get to see each other every once in awhile. But that attitude never lasts, if I go one day without seeing him I am back to misery and wanting and restlessness. This is such a crappy way to be. I haven't felt this way about someone in seven years, and it always has to be the wrong person, always. Why is the heart so stupid?





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