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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi there HeWill,

I didn't get a chance to respond to your post earlier. As you may remember, I'm the girl with a boyfriend similar to yours. Except, I can now see my situation isn't NEARLY as severe as yours (not that this is a competition :) ) But, I can totally understand your situation from a different perspective than others on this board.

First of all, I want to say that you sound like a very intelligent young woman. I'm basing that on how you write (and writing is what I do for a living) and how you can observe yourself and what you're feeling. And, I bet you're fun to hang out with as well. After all, you got this seemingly popular guy to be with you, right? I mean, it seems like he has a lot of friends (OK sure, all drinking/drug using/partying friends), so usually people like that tend to hang out with others who are fun as well. I also bet you're very good looking.

So, don't count yourself so short! Your boyfriend tries to make you feel bad about yourself in an attempt to control you. If you actually woke up and started to believe all these things, you'd leave him and then he'd be left without a punching bag, without someone to bring his problems to. Just stop listening to him and listen to me (and others on this board) instead. If ever my boyfriend says anything that puts me down (which he rarely does anymore, and if he does, it is usually over something trivial, like saying I'm a bad driver... I just think "so frickin what"), I know the truth in my mind. Sometimes its just not worth arguing with him about.

I know leaving your boyfriend seems nearly impossible. I mean, you love him more than anything else in the world, and how are you ever going to feel that way about someone else? Well, put quite simply-- YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR SOMEONE ELSE. You have the ability to love. The things that are special about your boyfriend, you can find those things in another guy. They are out there. And, you can find those things in someone who doesn't do drugs.

I'm surprised that your relationship has lasted as long as it has with him using drugs and you not using drugs. One big difference between your relationship and mine is that both me and my BF smoke pot. I've done that since before I met him. We've also both experimented with other drugs too, though him more than me and I really don't want to do anything more serious anytime soon. So, when certain friends are around, I get nervous because I worry that they'll bring out some harder drugs. But, having that anxiety is the choice I made by being with my boyfriend. I also sometimes get mad at him because he'll want to stay at the bar and drink for hours while I just want to go home. But, I have to put up with that as well. There's really no sense in getting mad, because my getting mad isn't going to change the situation.

I totally understand why you were mad at his bday party, but I don't think it was called for. Yup, everyone else will disagree with me here, but... what did you expect to happen at his party? You knew there would be drinking and drugs there. As far as that Kate girl, well, I don't think there's anything going on between her and your BF, at all. Otherwise, don't you think he'd keep you two completely separate? And, his mom probably wouldn't have invited her if there was something going on. He has probably lied to you about hanging out with her because if he told you that he was hanging out with her, you'd get really mad and upset and he doesn't want to deal with that. I totally understand how you feel about him having a former crush on her, but, if you felt secure about yourself, you wouldn't be so jealous about their friendship. My BF also has a female friend that I'd get jealous of early in our relationship. Basically, I was jealous because she is cute and attractive and outgoing and just an all-around cool chic. If she were fat and ugly I probably wouldn't care as much. I'm now totally, 100% over any kind of jealousy, and I encourage my BF to hang out with her more. How'd I do it? Well, I became very good friends with her myself. We now hang out more than her and my BF. Is that an option for you and Kate?

I do think you need to find someone you have more things in common with. I don't think your boyfriend is going to change his ways. Besides, he's getting away with it all. I think he's still cheating on you, too. How much time do you spend together anyway? And, what sorts of things do you do together that make your relationship fun? Is he sober during these times?

Like I told you before, if he hits you again, call the police.

In the meantime, start to work on yourself. Prepare yourself for being single. Be sure you maintain the friendships that you have. Spend more time with your friend or friends. Make new ones. How do you do that? Well, you can make friends with people at work or school, or even meeting people off the Internet (girls, that is). I see girls online who are looking to make new friends. It can be so hard for girls to make friends, afterall -- some of us are so catty. But, there are other girls like you. Get together with a group of girls and go out and flirt! I think flirting will help you realize there are better things in life than what you have. Plus, it might boost up your self esteem a bit. I know it might not be the best way to do that, but it is one way to do it, and you need all the help you can get! Also, pamper yourself--do your nails, get your hair done, buy a new outfit -- do you ever get to do those things?

And hey, I know that spending time on yourself is going to take away from the time you spend with your BF. You might worry about what he's doing or who he's with at these times. That's just what you're going to have to do though. Allow yourself to take time away from him. If you find yourself constantly worrying, that's a sign of anxiety, and talking to a doctor and possibly getting on medication may help that. What if you could hang out and have fun without your BF and without even thinking about him? Wouldn't that be great?





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