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I had written a book b4 to try to explain better why I was afraid of losing him, and I lost the post..but now I think better of it anyway..

I would be afraid of losing anyone I was in love with. duh. Just b/c someone screws up doesn't mean there wouldn't be a huge void without that person. We get each other, plain and simple. We are straight forward, me more so, but this is most definitely not long and dramatic and drawn out. It just happened less than a week ago, so hardly long, and we barely talked, so hardly dramatic. The crying part was b/c it was a life altering decision, and b/c he hurt me and he realized how much if I willing to let us go. Enuf said. I don't really care if no one gets that we respect each other enuf to give each other some time or space or some immediate explainations...it's my relationship and it's too hard to explain. I asked about the drinking...everything else I can deal with just fine and love him anyway.

But, it is a big deal to me, adn I don't need to take any time to figure out what I want. I know what I want. I want him, whole.

Anyhow, thanks mini, for understanding and well wishes. I know a lot of people to begin w don't get our relationship, and frankly, I don't really give a ****. Last night he came over, late, and we barely spoke. He was nervous, and I could tell he had been crying. Those light eyes and skin give it away...anyhow, we ended up holding hands and falling asleep on each other with out words, with out sex. He hugged me for a long time this morning, kissed me and said he was going out with some people for a bday thing later, and we'd spend sat and sun together. I figured he'd probably drink tonight, and therefore, I was not asked to come....kinda weird and I asked myself, "would this be ok?? him drinking, but just not causing problems cuz it's not around me??" It didn't sit real well.

He called a little while ago. Just to say hi. Told him I was going out with a friend tonight, he said to have fun and call him later on when I had a nap. Then he said he was driving all of them tonight!!! I guess I didn't realize how much I was on pins and needles, but I let out about a blimp full of air it felt like!! That means he offered to drive his three great friends to get one of them drrrrrrunk for a 21 st bday party (his best friends gf bday) and he is not drinking!! He chose the best possible people too. His bf, who loves him, his gf, also a very good friend, and danny who is very fatherly with micheal and takes care of him, makes sure he's alright. He's his bf older brother. Great group, and I'm glad b/c they will all be supporting him in not drinking, not razzin like some would do.

ANyway, pretty uneventful to some. It was what we both needed at the time...some calm time to be together. I think he'll talk soon, but I'm hopeful tonight is a good sign. A night out to blow off some steam will definitley do ME some good.





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