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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


HeWill,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is SO very, very hard. So, stop beating yourself up because you're so emotional and confused and having a hard time with this. Anyone would have a hard time in your shoes! Of course you're upset. That doesn't make you a bad person and that doesn't mean you should hate yourself. Boyfriend problems aside, you need to focus more on helping yourself.

Hey -- focusing on yourself and making yourself a happier, healthier person is going to make you more attractive to your boyfriend. Confidence and self esteem are qualities that make you more attractive. People are also more attracted to those who have their own individual interests and friends and well, life. If you have fun stories to tell your boyfriend at the end of the day, he's going to be more interested in you. If that's not a good motivation for you to help yourself, I don't know what is! That means you need to find activities and friends and other interests to occupy your mind so you're not so obsessed with him and your relationship. It also means you should work on your depression. You say your depression is situational and not a chemical inbalance --- that's not true. Even situational depression can be due to a chemical inbalance. So, talking to a health professional can help you with this. Taking care of yourself can help you stop having the emotional outbursts that your boyfriend doesn't like. It will help you smile more and of course people like being around someone who smiles more than someone who doesn't.

With that, which should be your priority right now (YOU), I want to say that I still think your boyfriend is cheating on you. Or he really, really, really wants to. That's what he's trying to tell you when he says he still wants to have fun and can't compromise. You know you've heard before that all men think about is sex, and you really can't deny that in this case. I mean, of course they care about other things, too. But when it comes to girls and relationships (oh and being a young guy, too, a young partying guy at that), that's their number one priority and number thing to do with a girl that is "fun." I know that will make you paranoid and all that, but it is just something you're going to have to accept if you want to stay with him. How do you keep him from cheating? Is it possible for you to accompany him when he goes off partying with his friends? Cheating isn't really an issue for me and my BF because I enjoy partying with my BF and his friends and doing the same things that he does, so I usually go with him (he doesn't have a car and we also share money a lot, so that's another reason I just end up being with him, but we like to do the same things--going to baseball games, the horse track, playing texas hold 'em, going to the bar, etc.) . His friends have accepted me and don't mind either. I even go camping/4wheeling with them--usually I help out by cooking food and stuff like that, which I enjoy.

Another way to keep him from cheating is the first thing I mentioned---improving your emotional health. Raise your self esteem and confidence level. You really can't love someone else in the right way until you love yourself. Just think if you were the happy person you were when you met him. Full of life and love. Guys like girls who have their "***** together," so to speak. Does that make sense? That's why you shouldn't quit your job and why you should have goals and dreams. Are you in college (I think you're college-aged)? Have you ever thought about that or about making a career for yourself? Just think about how sexy it'd be to be a career woman? Or whatever you want to do with your life... I'm not sure, you haven't mentioned anything.

I really hope this helps! My relationship is not nearly as bad as yours. Maybe one of the reasons is because I do have lots of assets to offer my BF. And I've worked a lot on my confidence and self esteem. Now, if my relationship were to end, I wouldn't feel so bad about it. I wouldn't go crazy. I have other things in my life and my BF knows this and respects it and because of that, loves me even more.

So please, please, please focus on yourself right now!!!

Here's my edit: I had to add, I can't stress enough the importance of a healthy diet and also exercise to your overall health. You say you aren't eating much, but you should try eating healthy foods like fruits and vegetables right now. And, exercise! Exercise actually releases chemicals in your brain that make you happier. It is like a natural anti-depressent. Don't over do it, however. But do it if it makes you feel good.

And don't think I'm trying to impress on you with ANY of these statements that you're not attractive. I'm SURE you are. I'm CERTAIN of it. It's just that we don't often think of how our emotional health makes us attractive to others -- it does. It took me awhile to realize this. I think it's a realization we all learn at one point in life. I think pulling yourself together in this way will help out every area of you life -- whether it's staying with your BF or if you leave him or if he leaves. If you need more suggestions on what to do exactly, let me know. Others might have ideas on healing yourself as well.





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