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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi JS,

I really think you've got to let her go completely, otherwise you're just hurting yourself. I can totally understand wanting to stay friends given that you made the mature decision to break up mutually before she went away to college, however it's obvious from your post that hearing about her new lifestyle is hurting you. Try as you might, any advice and opinions you give her whilst she's there ("be careful" etc) is probably just going to sound to her like you're being over-protective, even if you genuinely are just looking out for her best interest.

College is a difficult yet exciting time for most people - it's their first time away from parents and close friends with whom they may have developed a certain image over the years. Now they can find a whole new personality amongst new people, and generally be less inhibited than they were at home.

Knowing all this, I think it's going to be tough for you to get through this without getting her out of your life, because you're going to want her to stay the same old "B" that she's always been to you, and yet she'll become a whole new person that you might not know/understand/like that much. It's not your fault, it just happens.

I don't think there is anything wrong with getting in touch whenever she comes home, as she might appreciate a familiar face, but keeping in regular contact whilst she's away is just likely to upset you with her new lifestyle, and she might feel the obligation to contact you becomes something of a burden to her.

I'm confused because you seem to realise the futility of the situation:

[quote]I know that I should just let this go and move on, because there is no possible way we can have a relationship with her living the lifestyle that she is up there, and me being here.[/quote]

And yet you say things like:

[quote]Say I’m in another relationship. I am going to want to go back to her, because I know I probably won’t find anybody like her anytime soon. Then, I break the other girl’s heart. I am not worried about my own feelings; I just don’t want to hurt anybody like that. I know the possibility of her coming back and realizing she won’t find anybody better is slim, but still I am hanging on to it.[/quote]

You NEED to move on. She wasn't fooling you all along about being a good person, she's just a different person now and that's ok for her, but obviously not for you.

I would also strongly recommend NOT sleeping with her if/when she comes home - this is only going to prolong your feelings for her and make it harder to move on, and you're right to be concerned for your health, because there is a real possibility that she might catch something, from how it sounds with her attitude to sex. Alcohol + sex with strangers = trouble!

Don't be too disheartened though. You may be miserable for a while, but use this time to focus on YOU and what you want from life - get some new interests etc and eventually you will be ready for new love. :)





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