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I think I should let this out.

I have had this fiery hatred towards people for about 5 years now. For one year my parents sent me to a psychiatrist because I was really depressed and my grades went straight to the bottom. Every week, once a week, I would see a psychiatrist for 1 hour.

I never told him, nor my parents, about what I am going to say now. I feel to embarrassed and shy to say it in person. I'll say it on these forums because itís a lot easier since I donít anyone who reads this, and you donít know me.

The story starts in middle school, about 5-6 years ago. The elementary schools all dump the kids into one of three middle schools, depending on which one is closer to where you live. Needless to say, the amount of kids I was use to at a school tripled. To start making friends, I would just hang out with my friends from elementary school, and soon enough I would have a lot more friends, people to rely on.

6th and 7th grade was fun. One day, one of my friends asked what my ethnicity was. I told him that I was half and half. He got curious, and asked what exactly I was. I told him that I was half German from my dad sides, and half Malaysian from my moms side. As a joke he said, "oh so I guess I can call you 'halfy' ". He laughed, and I laughed with him, knowing it was just a joke.

I donít know what happened, but within 3-4 months later, people started calling me "half-breed", "mut", etc, anything that refers to me being half-half ethnicity. School would end, and I would start 8th grade. Over the summer, I found myself spending less time with these "friends".

8th grade would start. During lunch, I would hang out with these "friends" mainly because I didn't want to be alone. These "jokes" would also continue. They started to get more aggressive. "Half-breed, come over here". I am guessing my new name now was half-breed. One day I got fed up with it, and told them to stuff it. I walked to away and never hung out with them again. Towards to end of 8th grade I would just hang out in the library. I would do my homework, to get it done before I got him. I started a new hobby. Instead of hanging out with friends after school and during weekends, I would play "shoot'em up games". You know the ones where you take a gun and shoot every living thing on your screen until it dies. Counter-Strike, Halo, 007, Half-Life, Day of Defeat, Battlefield 1942, Battlefield2, and all the Medal of Honor games. Anything I could get my aggression into without actually hurting anything.

Towards the last few weeks of school, I met this girl. She was amazing, to simply put it. I talked to her almost everyday until school ended, and even more over AIM after school ended. I IMíd her, asking if should was going to a birthday party for a friend we both knew. She said yes, and we both saw each other there when the party started. To make a long story short, the night went on and I ended up holding her and lightly kissing her. By lightly, I mean REALLY lightly. I asked if she would be mine, and she said " no, you're not my type, etc etc". One week later she would be with a different guy.

My heart felt like it a javelin went right through it at 200 mph. From that moment on, I vowed to myself to never be in a relationship. Never.

Highschool started and these insults of "half-breed" and "mut" now escalted to more racial deregotory terms, targeting a specific race. Some of them include "****", "commi", "chink", "gook", "crout", "skinhead", "Mao", "Hitler". Every now and then, I would get an occasional person in my class that asks the same question that started this thing 6 years ago; "what is your etnicty"? I would answer it honestly, and I would always get an answer "wow, your half huh"? It put me down to the point where I no longer answer that question anymore, and if people ask me anything personal, I just dont respond. Period.

I didn't know what to do. And I still donít. I have dumped everysingle person I know as a friend, I no longer talk to people or try to meet people. During lunch, I go to the library and listen to music and do my homework alone. I donít socialize with people. I am actually too afraid to even eat lunch at school now. I guess you can call me a wimp, whatever, I donít care. I am use to it. Go ahead, think what you want.

During classes, my teacher always says "alright class, I will be assigning a group project that will be due on Monday", or whatever, something like that. After everyone starts to pair up, I politely ask the teacher if I can work on the project alone. Most of the time, they have no problem with it.

You see, most people (from where I live), do not accept me because I am a mutt. Who needs a mutt anyways right? They just give you weird defective children. Who needs a brown-eyed, 6 foot tall freak with black hair on its head and blonde hair on its arms and legs?

I hate people. I donít care if you are the nicest person it the world.

On Friday nights, while people are out at the movies, getting dinner, im at home. Playing my shoot'em up games or practicing my gymnastics in the backyard. Alone.

After high school I plan on joining the Marines. Not to help this country. Not to "become a man". Because it is one of the only places in the world where they donít give a damn who you are. You are a number. You are property of the government. And this sure as hell beats listening to someone saying "wow, you're from both communist country AND a fascist country!"

As you can see, you should understand why I want this girl out of my head. I donít want to talk to her. I want her out. Donít need to listen to another "well, you're not my type. Sorry." (Whenever a person says this to me, it usually means "yeah right, you think you are in the same league as me?!")




Ugh okay. Sorry about that, after taking a 1hour break after writing that, then rereading it, looks like I got kind of angry. Well it needs to be said, because this is really the way I feel about life. I donít want this girl to be part of this, she is too pretty and deserves better than a lowlife Marine Corps mutt like me, and this is why I want her out of my head.

Surely there must be a way to get her out? Amnesia, brainwashing, hypnosis, anything?





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