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Relationship Health Message Board

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I personally dont have on again, off again relationships, but I know everyone is different. To me, it is all-or-nothing, and ESPECIALLY if someone leaves me, I know that thats that and that we are done forever- which is why I took my recent break-up so hard. I know that this is not the case for everyone, but for me, if they could walk away from me, than they are not the guy for me. I think I still have this very hopeless-romantic, love-conquers-all type of mentality, but I dont care!! If someone can leave me, than that means they dont love me to the degree that I deserve.

But with this guy you are speaking of, I would just have a very hard time taking him back. For one, you have worked so hard to get over him, that do you think things could ever be the same as they were? I dont know if Id ever be able to look at my ex the same if a) he cheated on me, b) LIED about it, c) was on-again, off-again with me, and d) I worked on getting over him for a year or so. Thats a LOT to get over to try and fully trust him again, like a blank slate without resentment and trust issues. I just dont think I could do it. Actually, Im not sure if ANYONE could without a ton of work on both sides (especially his), and after he lied to you when he supposedly loved you, could you really trust that he would never do it again, and/or put 110% of his effort into regainin your trust after he knows he can still get you back after all this?

I know its hard when your heart is speaking louder than your head. Ohhhh, have I ever been there! And Ive listened to my heart probably the majority of the time, and make things 10x harder for myself. Because it always ends up just as my head imagined. What is your head saying? Truly? I think that sometimes we supress our rationale b/c it may be something we dont want to hear or confront, but try to find it out anyway and really think about it.

My personal opinion? I think hes full of crap. I know people make mistakes, but actively cheating on someone is not an 'oops, I messed up'...when you form a relationship with someone else, that is an active, ongoing process in which you have plenty of times to think about what you are doing wrong. I think that he has realized that he has no one (maybe he cheated on his recent gfs too!) and now he wants to see if you'll come back to him. After all, you did spend 6 years together, give or take.

Oh, and btw, the turning things around on you re: making you feel bad for not taking him back? That is a classic move of guilt and insecurity. My ex did this to me too when he was CLEARLY in the wrong. Made me feel like I was the paranoid, out-of-line one. He knows he messed up, cant handle it, and instead of dealing with his feelings he is turning it on you so that YOU feel guilted into taking him back, and therefore he can feel like he did nothing wrong.
I dont know LostMyHeart. I really dont think I could personally do it. Id really tyr to think about the possibility of you taking him back and then him doing the same thing again, or worse. Or the fact that you might constantly be paranoid or distrustful the whole time you're with him.

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