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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index month as of yesterday actually. As far as the ex-boyfriend goes, she has feelings for him (she's told me this, she's been very open about what she does pertaining to him) but he wouldn't ever make her happy because he's a financial bum (no job ever when they dated, she supported the both of them and he still owes her about 1500 that she's trying to get back), drug addict with crack and pot in their apartment, and also cheated on her countless times. She realizes she has feelings for him but will never be happy with him, if that makes sense. I really don't see her leaving me, not just from my point of view, from her best friends', parents, and what she's told me personally.

I can agree with the point that too much drama for being together for just 1 month though, and if things don't get to picking up affectionate wise I really don't see how I could be happy with her. Thanks for your post.
Ok, so her ex is a loser that is not good for her......I hate to say it, but I think every female has dated one of those. Even worse, we know they are wrong for us, but we can not let go - there is a part of every woman that thinks they can "save" the man they love. I know this from experience...

Her family and friends are telling you what you want to hear because right now this is probably the closest she has been to getting this "bum" out of her life and they want her to move on. They know you are better for her and that you would be good to her, so they will do whatever it takes to keep you around....I know, I have been there.

Obviously, what you do is your decision, but I think deep down you already know everything I am saying otherwise you would not be on this board asking for advice;) Right now, you are the rebound - no matter how you slice it, that is how it is. Now, you have to ask yourself - are you that understanding that you can be with someone that at any given point in the day is thinking about someone else? I truly believe that everyone in this world deserves the best and deserves to be a little selfish and want great things..........especially great love.......don't deny yourself while you sit around and wait for this girl to someday feel for you what she feels for her ex...
Still haven't had a chance for a 1-on-1 discussion time... /sigh. We never have time for ourselves and it's really starting to annoy me, and she can tell it. It's getting to the point that me being annoyed annoys her...which is probably for the better. Also still no pregnancy test, I don't want to press the issue because I can tell it bothers her when I bring it up (touchy subject and for understandable reasons).

Tonight she asked me what was bothering me, and I told her that we never get time to ourselves, and since she's so against any affection in front of other people I don't even try to push it (everyone has their thing and I can understand if she doesn't want to PDA in front of people, fair enough). I told her I realize she's not a very affectionate person, but I am, and when I can't be affectionate with the person I care about of course it's going to bother me. She asked me if I was mad and I told her doesn't anger me. I'm not happy about it, but it doesn't anger me.

Then she looked away (she was sitting in the recliner next to me on the sofa) and I asked if she was mad, she of course said she wasn't but wouldn't look at me. Yeah, she was frustrated more than likely. After about 15 minutes or so she came over to the sofa and piled a blanket over my lap and laid down beside me so I got to run my hands through her hair and rub her back some as she got ready to go to bed. I told her thanks and she couldn't understand that I don't really need much...and that was what I needed to get me by.

I'm trying my best to sympathize for her by not being overaffectionate. By not pushing to get kisses and cuddle and such, although we've been dating over a month and we haven't had a 'real kiss kiss' for over a week (how sad is that...21 years old and I can't even get enough private time for a full kiss with my girlfriend). I'm lucky to get a peck on the lips as I'm out the door. Today we went to her grandmother's for a family dinner and they drew names for christmas. She put my name in the pot...and her uncle asked what makes her think I'll still be around. She said 'He's not going anywhere for a long while' and smiled at me. I just don't understand her I suppose.

There's your update. Wonderful huh? I want to do what I can to show her affection and what it's like and how wonderful it can be, but she really is holding back. She told me that she's afraid and withheld so much that the more affectionate she is with me, essentially the more opened up she would be. And the more opened up she would be...the more it would possibly hurt her if I ended up being like the other guys. I got her best girlfriends' number a few nights ago from her mom, and I'm going to try to talk things over with her and see what I can find out behind the scenes (the best friend was maid of honor at a good friend of mine's wedding, she thinks I'm the greatest, next to her fiance). I realize going behind the girls back to her friends probably isn't the most honest and best move I can make here...but I really want to know all I can.

Once again, I can't thank you all enough for the input and advice you've given. And thanks Patti for sharing your real life experience with gives me hope but also tells me it's a long long road ahead and still a chance of failure.

if she's not pregnant, she's still not able to meet your needs....
what are you thinking?[/QUOTE]

She doesn't meet my needs because she isn't affectionate. She isn't affectionate because A) Her guard is up from her previous ex and/or B) She's never been around affection and her bfs have never given her any. She grew up raised by her single mother that never had a good boyfriend (her mom explained this to me) and so Kelsey never saw affection when she was growing up, it was non-existent. The boyfriends even beat her mom, which makes me think that possibly Kelsey was hit too because she's very rough/physical when she plays around and that's fun to her. Makes me think that that's one of the few things she can associate with 'affection'.

And a big reason I'm still with that as a whole, she's got a good heart I think. I want to help that good heart be happy. My dad always raised me that if I saw a good person in need of a helping hand, that I could provide, do it. You never know when you might need one...but I don't think he was considering this kind of a situation when he told me that.

That's what I'm thinking, that's why I'm still with her. I hope and pray that someday soon she'll be affectionate, which is why I'm going to her friend to look for advice on her (I've already discussed things with her mom and that's what I've found out, now I'll see what the best friend can tell me). I know I'm running out of detours and it looks like no matter where I turn, I'm still headed down the same road of breaking up with her...I've even turned to going to movies and hanging out with my guy friends, or going out by myself cruisin around and such to make her think I am out running around and doing my own thing like I would if I were single, and it hasn't phased her.


I think it really depends on how you feel about her & the situation. My situation is not exactly the same... but I'll tell ya anyway.

My ex & I had been together when we were 16 & ended up breaking up when we were 18. We both started dating other ppl. I was also on the pill, but 3 months into the relationship became pregnant. I was happy that I was going to have a baby, though I was only 18 I was ready for this. The only thing that bothered me was that I wasn't totally happy with her father. I tried to think about the future with him, but it didn't seem bright at all. I tried my hardest to make things work out - but he wasn't very involved. He never came to the apts with me, only for the US to find out the sex of the baby & ended up getting upset b/c we were having a girl & not a boy! He was never really around, we had an apt together & he would always go out with friends after work & leave me alone. It was so hard to get through my pregnancy, but I did it & had a beautiful baby girl that I love to pieces. But, when she was 3 months old, I decided to leave her father. After trying for about a year & 1/2 to be happy with him & in the relationship, I realized I was just kidding myself & I knew he was never going to change, plus, I wasn't in love with him & couldn't see myself falling in love with him no matter how hard I tried.

Shortly after, my ex from before & I started talking again. He had been hurt when he found out I was pregnant, but he was happy for me that I had such a health, beautiful daughter & he wanted to be back with me so bad & I felt the same way. So we got back together officially about a month later & were back together for 4.5 years, engaged for 3 of those years.

She's continued to visit with her father throughout everything, every other weekend... but my ex was a wonderful father figure for her as well & she still sees him a bit, too. It's tough b/c he helped me raise her for almost 5 years (she will be 5 Oct 5th)... but unfortunately, the relationship did not last. I wasn't happy in the last few years & it just continued to get worse. I tried with everything I had to work on it, but as much as I do love & care about him, I guess we just weren't meant to be after all.

I have no idea what the future holds, I can only worry about today & while it's not always easy, we get through it.

My advice to you is to do what you feel is right for yourself. I don't necessarily think you should "put your shoes on & run"... I think at this point, she should test to find out if she IS pregnant or NOT so that you can think about what you feel would be right for you. Remember, too, that she is probably scared & if she is pregnant, not looking forward to going through it alone. This is natural & understandable (I hated being pregnant & basically went through it alone, it was NOT easy)... but that doesn't mean you should deffinitely stay if you don't feel it's the right thing for you to do. If she tests & finds out she is in fact pregnant & you don't think you can handle that right now... you should explain your feelings to her exactly & maybe you could be there for her as a friend & who knows, maybe in the future as you are able to think about how it will affect your life & figure out your feelings towards this girl, then it could work out in the future. There are times when things happen in our lives that might not seem to be happening at the right time, but we're able to deal with them anyway. I would NEVER change what I have gone through... not any of it. But you do have a choice here, it's up to you.

I wish you the best of luck!

~DL :)

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