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Torn
Sep 15, 2006
My story is a little hard to tell since I feel so bad about what I've gotten myself into. To start off I'll tell you I'm 31 and have been with my husband for almost 12 years but only been married for 1. We have a secure life finacially, have no kids and a fairly active sex life. Everything seemed great until we moved overseas. My DH is military and we move alot. I've had some resentment issues regarding that because I have a hard time starting over. It's difficult for me to make friends no because we move so much and my relationships with my family have diminished since I don't see them as often as I like. We had a posting close to family for the past 4 years which was awesome, I was happy, had friends, a job I liked, owned our first home. Life seemed perfect. Then 6 months ago we get posted to germany. We thought of it as a chance of a lifetime. Spend 4 years in germany, making lots of money and travelling to our heart's content. Well now I have no job, no friends and miss my family. Our relationship is falling apart piece by piece. Or maybe I'm falling apart piece by piece because my husband seems fine. I know I've been getting more distant and moody but I try hard to hide my feelings from him since I don't want to make him feel guilty for moving us.

Anyways all that is just a prelude to what is really going on now. A week ago I went back home for my sister's wedding. I don't think I realized up until that day how much I missed home and my family. It was great being back. A week after I got there my sister's soon to be husband's brother arrived. Here is where things fell apart. From the moment I met him there was an undeniable attraction. We didn't speak much the first couple of days, just 'nice to meet you' and such but there was a definate chemistry between us. Over the next few days there was family bbqs, rehersals, decorating and tux fittings where him and I spent more time getting to know each other. I think we were naturally drawn to each other since we were 'alone', without a gf or spouse there. His mom even tried to set us up until she found out I was married. We flirted a bit and always sat next to each other. We talked alot about our lives and developed inside jokes. I think everyone saw the connection because I remember some strange looks from my sister and my parents as if to say 'what are you doing, you're married'. I was thinking the same thing but I justifed it by saying to myself that it's harmless and we weren't doing anything wrong. Up until the night of the wedding.

The wedding day came and it was beautiful. The brother and I were always together since I was the maid of honor and he was the best man. We had a great time at the reception. We laughed and danced and flirted some more. He actually told me he had his eye on one of my sister's friends, I think just to see my reaction. Of course I told him to go for it but he didn't. Near the end of the night we were all drunk and there was some kind of falling out between him and his brother. They hadn't been close for a number of years and the only reason he accepted being the best man was to see his parents whom he hadn't seen in over a year. Anyways, brother was upset so I went to talk to him. He asked if I wasnted to go for a walk to talk so since it was the end of the night I said ok. We changed and walked for about an hour. He poured his heart out, talking about growing up as the black sheep of the family because he's the 'bad boy' with tattoos and piercings. We ended up back at the hotel where the wedding was and where I had a room. The wedding had fully ended and everyone was gone when we got back. I'm not clear on how it was brought up but he came up to my room. We watched some tv on the couch and snuggled a bit. I ended up falling asleep. Some time later he woke me up to take me to the bed. I crawled in fully expecting him to take the couch. He asked me if I wanted to cuddle. I don't know what I was thinking but I guess I said yes. We cuddled in bed, fully dressed. I suppose I thought it was leading somewhere because I remember saying we should stop before we do something we regret. We ended up falling asleep in each other's arms. He set the alarm so he would get up and out before my sister and new brother in law woke up since they coincidentally got the suite accross the hall from me. He left and I didn't see him the rest of the day since he wanted to spend it with his parents before they left the next day. I fought with myself all day over what I had done. I went back and forth hoping I would see him and hoping he would stay away. I cried alot that day.

I ended up seeing him again the day after that at my sister's house. I went there after checking out of the hotel to say goodbye before I drove the 3 hours to see my parents. I know in my heart I was hoping brother would be there too so I could guage a reaction about what we had done the night of the wedding. Well' he was there and when our eyes met I melted. I hated myself for feeling that but I couldn't help it. I sat down and we all hung out for a while. My sister and her hubby went for a nap because they had a concert to go to that night. While they napped me and brother spent some time talking again. He confessed that he's never told anyone the stuff he had told me about his life and family. He also told me that he was only staying with them because he was hoping to see me. Otherwise he said he would have gotten his own hotel room. That was his last night until he went home. It shocked me to hear all that but also made me feel special. I didn't confess to him that I felt the same way. I was scared to even think it. So we spent the afternoon talking and laughing again until my sister woke up. She asked me what my plan was and I told her I had decided to go see our parents the next day. I didn't go because I wanted to spend more time with brother but I didn't say that obviously. She gave me a look like she gave me before but I chose to ignore it. WHen her and her DH were leaving for the concert they were shocked to see that I wasn't leaving as well. Brother had asked me to stay and hang out with him and I couldn't resist. We spent the evening drinking a little and watching tv and listening to music. We had a great time just hanging out. We cuddled a bit on the couch but that was it. Never at any point was there anything more than that. We never kissed or touched inappropriately. When my sister got home she was again shocked to find me still there and was not impressed when she learned that I planned to crash there for the night. Her place is really really small so the sleeping arrangements would be tricky. Brother insisted I take the couch so that left him the floor or a reclining chair. To my surprise he chose the floor right below the couch to be close to me. He stroked my arm as we fell asleep. I actually didn't sleep much that night. All I could think about was the fact that tomorrow he would be leaving and I would most likely never see him again.

In the morning my sister woke us up to take him to the airport. The goodbye was really akward since they were around so it was a stiff hug and 'nice to meet you, take care and have a safe flight'. It was pure torture. I spent the next two days crying over him leaving and cheating on my husband. You see I do realize I cheated on my husband even though nothing sexual happened. I know emotional infidelity is often worse. What I'm having trouble coming to terms with is the 'what if' factor. I figured I had met my soulmate in my husband but then I meet brother and I start to question that. I know it could be all the factors in my life coming together to make me feel something that wasn't really there but I just don't know. It kills me not to be able to talk to brother since we never exchanged phone numbers or email even though we had talked about doing it. It's probably better that way anyways. I could get his number if I really wanted but it would require asking my sister which would send up red flags. He could get mine the same way but I doubt he would for fear of hurting my marriage.

So my ultimate question is how do I get over this? I think about him 24/7. I actually cried when I made love to my husband when I got back because I was thinking about him. I think just writing all this out has helped a bit but I would still like your feedback. Please don't tell me what a bad person I am because I already feel horrible. I just want to know if I'm ever going to get over this feeling of missing out on being with my soulmate. could he be my soulmate? it's hard to explain the connection we had in words, written out it seems superficial which it definately wasn't.

I know this is super long and I don't expect many of you to get through the whole thing but just know that it's helped me to be able to write it down. So to those of you who did read it, thanks for listening.





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