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Re: Atten: Hope4U2
Sep 20, 2006
[QUOTE=charliecat31]Hope -
I understand you don't want to talk about this right now. Just know I'm here when you're ready. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there my friend:angel:[/QUOTE]

It's unbelievable the things you can find out when you just look a little harder. Nothing has been making any sense over the last several weeks, until yesterday. I literally stumbled onto some "evidence", didn't quite put two and two together, but when I mentioned part of it to her that night, we both froze after she answered. It's a long story, but she inadvertently admitted she had been having an affair without meaning to, and if I ever can tell the story, it's actually funny, as someone being so careful and clever with the lies ends up ratting on herself accidently, and how it happened is the cruelest of ironies.

After that, I asked a few more questions, and then she clammed up and left the house. I called her 4 straight times, calmly asking for an explanation and apologizing for the "roller coaster" she says she has been through because of me. She never said anything, listened for some 5 minutes at a time, and then hung up on me. I stopped calling after the 4th hangup.

Today, I called her and asked her if she was going to give me an explanation or was all this going to come out in court through depositions, testimony, etc. She said she'd give me an explanation tonight, but I'm not counting on it. Up until this point, everything's been my fault, and everyone we know, even my family, has heard about every mistake I've ever made, blown way out of proportion, and I've felt like it's me against the world and nearly withdrew my filing. Now, while being sad, confused, betrayed, etc., all at the same time, I am also relieved in a strange way. Feeling guilty about failing health, which was caused by an accident that was not my fault, was killing me. All that guilt is gone now. Plus, I saw my Pastor today, and there were a whole lot of crazy circumstances that surrounded our marriage that I won't go into now, but I did explain it to him. He told me that getting an anulment would be easy given all that's happened throughout twelve years based on my story. This was after he had cautioned me before we started to talk that anulments were getting more difficult to get these days.

I know our marriage was a mistake from the start, but I guess I never really found my "soulmate" and gave up looking. Yes, I settled, but we have a beautiful child, and I happen to believe that we deal with the cards we are dealt, and our decisions, in this life the best we can, and divorce is something I just never thought would happen. I would have worked extra hard to save the marriage, but not anymore. As time goes on and she realizes just how expensive life is and gets little to nothing from me, I can see her changing her tune. It was easy to cheat, I guess, when it looked like I was headed for long-term disability and perhaps bankruptcy. Thanks to one last, amazing surgery, it turns out that I'm far from it, so now she's stuck with what she asked for...I will end up feeling sorry for her, helping her out, etc., but this marriage is over, and I appreciate you listening. Chronic pain takes so much out of a person, and then this happens just as I get a new lease on life...God has a sense of humor that I don't quite get, but maybe someday I'll look back on this and know it was for the best.

Thanks again,

Re: Atten: Hope4U2
Sep 23, 2006
Hi Hope:wave:
How I wish you weren't having to go through all of this with your wife. It makes me so angry that she's treating you this way and trying to make it out like it's [I]your [/I]fault:mad:

[I][U]Today, I called her and asked her if she was going to give me an explanation or was all this going to come out in court through depositions, testimony, etc. She said she'd give me an explanation tonight, but I'm not counting on it.[/U] [/I]Did you get the explanation she said she would give you?

Please don't allow her to make you feel like this is your fault. Things happen to all of us that effect the people around us - that doesn't make it our fault. It's a true test of love and of someone's character if they are going to only want to be with you during the good times. I hate to say this as I don't want to be hurtful... but it sounds like she was in this relationship for all the wrong reasons. Or atleast she was staying for all the wrong reasons. Do you know how long the affair has been going on. Did it start after you got hurt and she felt like your income was going to suffer?

It's unfair that she's felt the need to drag your family and friends into the problems you've been having as a couple. Things can be blown out of proportion and those she's telling things to only have one distorted side of the story. I want you to listen to me very closely Hope... [B][U][I][COLOR="Red"]IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU GOT HURT![/COLOR][/I][/U][/B] I'm so glad you've realized this and have let go of that guilt. I just wanted to remind you so you can think of that anytime you fall back into the trap she was obviously setting for you. It sounds like she wanted to break you down until there was little if any fight left in you. You sound like you are getting that fight back and I'm so proud of you for that!:D

As far as everything being your fault... I can say with absolute certanty that it's impossible that it was entirely one person's fault that there are problems. She made the choice to go outside the marriage. She should have had the courage and the decency to deal with the problems you are having first. She should have had the courage and decency to end the marriage first.

I'm glad you are turning to your Pastor during this time. God has a plan for all of us and a reason for things happening. Maybe it's to make us stronger, maybe it's to remind us of what is important in life, maybe it's for reasons that we will never know. But we have to believe that He has a plan for each of us.

I'm so sorry you've come to the realization that your marriage was a mistake from the begining. I can't imagine how much that must hurt. But you got an amazing gift in your daughter, so that makes it not a complete mistake.

Yes, we have to deal with the cards we are given or the hand that we make. But you have to believe that you can change that hand too. You have to decide when it's right to discard and when it's time to say "hit me" to the dealer:D Please don't allow her to manipulate you into feeling sorry for her down the road. She's made her bed so to speak and it's time for her to [I]lie [/I]in it (pun intended:D ). I'm sure right now it doesn't seem like this is what you want, but in the long run for you and your daughter I hope you come to see that you deserve so much better.

You will always have a friend when you need to talk. I wish there was more I could do to help, but I'll listen any time you need me to. Sending you an e-hug...;)

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