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Hey West!

I hate only having this forum to talk and the biggest reason is because I can't remember what we've covered previously. Like for instance, have I told you yet to write a pro and con list? Sometimes it helps. What you like and don't like about your boyfriend down to the last detail.

I have times with my husband all the time like you had last night with your bf. I love my husband and I enjoy his company. I really do. That's what makes it so hard. He's very good to me and I don't think about the moments of leaving until after we are intimate. For me there's something missing in those moments. And frankly, West, it's not's me. I think I'm learning that I have a fear of intimacy or something. It wouldn't matter who I'm with, I really think I'd feel the same way. And also for me there's always this feeling that I'm missing something! Let me tell you something that happened to me yesterday which put a lot of things into perspective for me.

I'm at the hair salon. I've been going to the same girl now for a few years. She is 29, never married, cute, a little airy. She has a history of cheating on her boyfriends and moving from one to another. Last year this time she was having problems with her boyfriend "Greg." She ends up breaking up with him and within a month she is seeing "Sam." Now, I find out then that towards the end of her time with Greg she was talking with Sam on the internet. Sam and her start having a hot and heavy relationship starting in January which is right after she kicks Greg out of her house. So, I see her in January and everything is just "perfect." He is perfect for her inside and out!! She loves loves loves him. Big island trips are planned and a photo album is started with all the happy, wonderful, life is great, look at our tanned perfect body, pictures! She tells me a story of how they are like siamese twins and connected at the hip at all times and aren't they just so cute and can you stand us??!!! Keep in mind, I am not a jealous person, but I am green with envy at this point. Hiding it of course, but green none the less. I want what she has. So, I think.

Cut to yesterday where she starts talking about Greg....not Sam!! And how she went to Greg's new house and how he wanted to do something but she didn't want to because of guilt and how they have been text messaging each other for a long time. I say, how does Sam feel about that? She says, he doesn't like it...but he's getting on my nerves. Here it comes!!!! She starts telling me all the thing she doesn't like about Sam. I think, hmmm....9 months and Mr. Perfect is coming close to the end with her!! You remember that story of how they're siamese twins?? Well, she says, I was trying to check my e-mail the other day and he was sitting right there...I said...Don't you have someplace to go??? Quite the turn around, huh??

Here's my point to all of this...nobody has a perfect relationship and everyone is always thinking there's something more out there. Now I know what this girl is gonna do. When I go back to her in 6 weeks, she will be getting ready to kick him out for good and she will soon after that take up with Greg again and her cycle will repeat itself.

The grass is not greener. Do I think you need to stay with your boyfriend just based on that fact?? No way. Remember I told you from the beginning, fear based decisions are destructive ones. If you are having such a hard time pulling away from him, then there is something good there. But, you must not stay with him out of guilt or fear. If at the end of the day you can look at him and see that he is loving, giving, compassionate, caring, concerned and genuinely there for you, then you owe it to YOURSELF to take a stronger, harder look at this relationship. My point to the above story was also that passion fades and as you can see by the fades quickly! You have to make your own passion sometimes. No, I never had it for my husband and frankly I don't know why. Maybe it is chemistry, but why I've stayed so long is because I know in my gut that it's not the right reason to leave him. There is so much more that we share. My angst comes over the fact that I wish I didn't crave the excitement all the time. I need life to be exciting and for me unless I'm living on the edge in some gets very boring. My husband is quite the opposite. Status quo suits him just fine.

I don't like feeling unsettled either, West. And I hate knowing that you feel unsettled too. I told you before to take your time and that nothing has to be decided today. I also told you before not to marry your boyfriend and I mean that still. You take the time you need and really work through this. Continue to see your therapist and I just know in my heart that you are going to find the answers you need to make the right decision.

I think about growing old with my husband and for me, there's really no one else I'd rather do that with. We have 23 years together, I can't imagine not being in his life or vice versa. Do I think he's my soul mate? Nope. But, I have to tell you, I don't know what that is. Everyone tells me I watch too much romantic TV and that life is not like TV. I'm starting to believe them.

Write soon....I'm here always for you. We're gonna figure this out...I just know it.


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