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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I feel ya. I feel the exact same way. I hate it. Feeling as lonely as I feel is seriously scary sometimes. I moved out this year and live alone. Three of my friends got married last year, and 3 of them have babies now :) I just always hate feeling like the 3rd or the 5th wheel in almost every circumstance nowadays. I work all the time it seems like. I work long hours over the weekends, at a job where I just basically sit there for 12 hours a day. It is starting to get to me. I hate how I feel usually. I hate to say this but, I almost get sick when I see two people together in love. I don't really have any single friends anymore, or at least any that I see regularly. All my close friends are either married or in a ltr, and most my friends have kids now. It just sucks to feel like you don't have anything in common with your friends anymore. I came out of the closet at the beginning of this year and that was hard enough, and I am so glad I did it because it made me feel a thousand times better. I thought I would feel so much better and not be depressed anymore but, I feel more alone than ever....
I had a really great weekend. I spent Saturday with my mom, aunt, and cousin who has a 3 month old baby. We went out to eat and shopped. My mom told me that I hogged the baby, and I admit that I did! He was just sooo adorable. I truly hope that in the not too distant future I can have a baby of my own.

Sophia, how upsetting that your friend told you that you should get pregnant with an ex! You definitely do deserve better!! Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that our dreams are taking so long to come true, and it is hard to deal with the reality of it. I am worried about my best friend. She has only known the guy she is dating for a little over a week and she is so in love with him already. It has been a while since she has been in a relationship and I am worried that she might be getting too invested too soon. She just called me sooo upset because she had called him yesterday and he had not returned her call yet. She was literally crying and going crazy on the phone, and then he beeped in while we were talking. I'm glad that she has finally met a guy she is crazy about, but it is hard to talk to her anymore because she is already acting like they are married, and it sounds like to me that he is using her. Anyway, I'll be here if she needs me, but she's a grown girl, so hopefully she will use good judgement.

Fabat, thanks for your words of wisdom! I have missed you too!! :)

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now, even more so than being lonely, is that I don't like that people feel sorry for me because I am single. I don't like people sadly looking at me, and talking about me like I am missing out. I am happy with my life, and I do wish I had someone, but I do know that I don't HAVE to have someone in order to be happy.
I hear ya. Ive been single for a little under a year now, but I dont even look at that as truly being single b/c I was getting over a horrible breakup. It isnt until recently that Ive felt OK to really, truly date again and its been HARD. It has been fun, too, but...I dont know, I am constantly amazed by the way some men think (especially when in their 20's, as I am). I tend to find myself in situations where guys only want to get some, and in the rare situation that I actually think, eh, why not, I find myself sometimes even lonelier. I end up still unhappy b/c I am not getting what i want, which is something consistent, with someone who really cares for me and will want to be with me and work for me and just be caring and loving. But...I just keep finding players and/or guys Im not attracted to. I just posted recently about a guy that I got set up with who came highly recommended from an amazing friend, and he didnt even ask for my # b/c I wouldnt do anything physical with him the very first time we met!!! Its horrifying.
Im young but Im still frustrated too. I live alone, and I love it, but sometimes it gets hard. I stay really busy and find myself only home on the weeknights, and even thats only for a few hours late at night. But Im the type of person that needs to constantly be on the go, or my mind starts going. And a lot of the time, my idle mind turns to negative thoughts on relationships. Not good.
Im in this phase right now where Im really just trying to have fun, meet a bunch of ppl and have a good time without putting much emphasis on others. I am really trying to concentrate on myself and do fun things while Im single. But I wonder- I always grew up with the dreams of having the marriage and the kids and doing things with a great love (travel and holidays, etc.). I had that in some ways with my ex, but now that Im back at Square One its tough. I agree about the 'finding oneself'. I definitely am trying to do that, but I mean, I cant soul-search my whole life. I am basically trying to just enjoy my mid-20s with my friends in NYC, but I cant say I dont get lonely and/or discouraged. It doesnt help that I keep meeting ridiculous guys. Ah well.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~] I disect every little thing he says, or does, and if I message him and he doesn't reply, I get very upset. I agonise over what he might be doing. I jump to conclusions and work myself up about it pointlessly.

There isn't really any right or wrong to it - i don't think these men are bad in any way or trying to hurt us. Moreso, they are extending a friendship to us.
I prey that we find someone soon, or that these men one day look at us in the way we so desperately want them to :([/QUOTE]

I agree with what you have said. I also feel upset when he doesn't reply me or reply me later than usual. *sigh* Really don't know what can be done. Ya, we should pray hard. To trust in GOD is the only thing I can do now. Just let GOD leads the way....
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]Do you know what I have always found? Two things. One is that guys never come along when I am looking for them... they come along when I am quite happy without them. I have also found that the guys I focus on never come to me when I am at my most obsessive, and the guys that are approaching me I don't pay attention to because I am being narrow-minded.[/QUOTE]

This is so true. Whenever I try to stay a distance from 'him' so that I can get over him soon, he will kinda approaches me by himself. For example, he will kinda concern about me even more and text me more. On the other hand, when I think I emotionally need him most (I did not tell him of course), I find that he somehow acts cold towards me or hard to be approached at that certain time. Could be he can just sense something. Then I will feel so upset and isolated. I even start to wonder what has gone wrong that makes him stay away from me. I think I really make myself a fool out of all these.

Ya, I really hope I can open up myself to know more friends and start to be myself. At least when I mix around with more people I won't feel that lonely and miserable. But the most important thing for now is to be able to open up my heart for people other than 'him'.
[QUOTE=soulster]I think part of the problem of not being able to get over him is you continuosly have to put yourself in the position of seeing him everyday.[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. This is so true. As I am working with 'him' in the same company as well so we see each other almost everyday. It's real hard to get over him. Unless I change a job and that's one of my plans at this moment...
[QUOTE=soulster] I think part of the problem of not being able to get over him is you continuosly have to put yourself in the position of seeing him everyday. Can you transfer places?[/QUOTE]

Well, I did that, in fact. I did that for an entire year, maybe longer, when we first broke up. Contrary to what usually happens, it did not help me get over him at all. I mean, there were occasions of denial and ignorance where I just tried hard not to think about it, but that made it all the more difficult when I let me thoughts wonder to him or actually sat down, alone, and let the memories of him wash over me.

It is a strange thing, that I cannot get past him. I am independant and strong generally - but this is one thing that I think I am impossibly convinced of.. that he is truly the love of my life, and we are meant to be together.

Perhaps I could seperate myself from him altogether all over again, but I know I will just continue feeling hollow, and possibly more upset about it. I'm at that stage now, where I'd rather keep him as a friend then not have him in my life at all. I'll take whatever I can get, cos he is most definately worth it.
[QUOTE=Stillsearching]When I try to start a conversation with men anywhere including grocery stores, they have this fear in their eyes when I make a comment about the vegetables we happen to be standing in front of! Then they scurry away as if I'm about to lunge on their arses and bite down hard.:confused: The only men who aren't afraid to say hello to me are the married ones or the ones who have girlfriends and I'm not about to go there.
[/QUOTE]yeah and the only women i seem to get to talk to or meet every 15 yrs or so always have bfs', :rolleyes:
[QUOTE=Stillsearching]So, where does a young, intelligent, beautiful woman to do? :D[/QUOTE]
well..um..ahh....i have some ideas!!! ;) :wave: :blob_fire
[QUOTE]i mean, do you honesty believe that only people with those qualities are in relationships?? there are tons of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships. its one of those things you can't explain...its about being in the right place at the right time.[/QUOTE]

lol... uhhh... no, i don't think that ONLY people with those qualities are in relationships...
but my point was that i've observed that people with these qualities tend to find themselves with more opportunities to potentially end up in a relationship if that's what they want...

and i'm sure there are "tons" of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships...
i never said there weren't, or that my suggestions were a "lock" and would guarantee success... but i definitely have seen the odds improve as a result...

i'll tell you why i think what i think...
i used to be the guy that was insecure... VERY shy... had a hard time establishing eye contact with a girl let alone trying to start a conversation with her... and guess what... as a result, i mostly ended up being frustrated, feeling lonely, and being generally unsuccessful with women...
over time that sort of changed...
i stopped beating myself up...
i started just "being me" and stopped caring about whether or not i impressed a girl... i became more confident... started to genuinely care about actually getting to know women (as opposed to just thinking someone's good looking enough to want to date), truly enjoy making people laugh... and have developed a kind of "see how things go" type attitude...
if we hit it off... great... if not... great...
my point being, i think women are VERY intelligent, intuitive, and perceptive for the most part and can pick up pretty quickly on if someone's putting on a "front" to try and impress them...
once i stopped caring about that (ironically), i started finding that there were a great deal more women interested in pursuing a conversation with me or getting to know me better...
i guess my point is that there's no "formula" for getting a girl's attention and sparking her interest enough to want to go out with you...
my point is that you HAVE to be genuine... and in being genuine, and letting the chips fall where they may, so to speak, you show that you are confident, secure in yourself, etc... and women respond to that...
if you're telling me a woman's going to pick the insecure guy over the secure guy in a lineup (lol)... well... he's welcome to her... i don't think i'd be interested in THAT woman anyway then...
and that's her right... but like i keep saying... no big deal...
i don't HAVE to be with someone right now... i can continue to be happy meeting all kinds of different people and seeing which ones i "click" with...

if i'm out of my mind, let's hear what some of the women have to say about my perceptions...
ladies?

just my $0.02... :-)

and "Stillsearching"... i noticed your post on another thread too which was similar to your comment here...
and i think most men ARE somewhat intimidated by an attractive, successful, and clearly "together" woman such as yourself...
and sure it makes meeting guys harder...
i hear good looking women all the time talk about how they wish more guys would approach them, not be so afraid to talk to them, etc...
but at the same time, the ones that ARE too scared to talk to them... well... they're probably not the type of guy that these women (women like you) want to end up with anyway...
wouldn't you rather get to know someone who ISN'T afraid to take a shot and try to connect with you?
yes... these types aren't the majority...
most of us are slobbering meatheads with the IQ's of handballs and the personalities of parking meters... but those worthwhile gems are out there and as long as you keep being you and continue to put yourself out there, i'm confident that you're bound to come across them...
but enjoy the "in the meantime" as well... :-)
Im definitely feeling down lately too. I had JUST gotten to have the attitude of "I dont care if I find a guy, Im happy and fulfilled regardless, so Im not even looking". And I MEANT it. Then, lo and behold, I meet a guy out in a very atypical way, he turned out to be what I think to be special even though I only went out with him a few times, and now he just broke the news to me that hes going abroad for 6-8 months so he cut things off before they developed any further. Totally sucks.
I dont want to base my moods on men, especially b/c I know for sure that they arent walking around thinking about us all the time and lamenting on how things arent working out. But I cant help it with this situation...it took me so long to even want to date, nonetheless find a guy that I found worthy enough to date...and then this guy comes along, I start getting hooked, and then boom. Hes gone, and it doesnt even have anything to do with our compatibility.
So I just found out 2 nights ago, Im still definitely a little bummed and Im starting to get pissed at myself that Im obsessing over this. But I just feel so lonely! I was starting to get excited about dating this guy, I had those little anticipatory feelings of seeing him again, what I would wear, what I would learn about him next and what he'd learn about me...and then its just completely cut-off. I live alone, and I love it the majority of the time b/c I like to be independent and I dont like being obliged into social situations (even though Im pretty outgoing). But when I get down in these moods, I just find myself SO LONELY. I come home from work, sometimes from 12 hour days if I have class right after, and clearly I cant do anything. But Im getting so tired of sitting around in my apt. every night, doing the same old thing...sure, I know Im supposed to find things that are 'fulfilling' to do on my own. But, doing this every day of the week...I dont know. It gets old! I miss someone being in my bed, cuddling with me, and I miss looking forward to things. I definitely have a ton to look forward to with my friends and my weekends, but I dont know...a guy that you really like can fulfill you differently. And I just started getting a glimpse of what that was like again after SUCH a hard breakup, and...thats that.
Sorry for venting and I know I already have a thread that is mainly about this...but I am just feeling really cruddy these past few days. My mother keeps telling me, you're 24, these are the best times of your life, enjoy being single and having no responsibliities. And I do. And I definitely dont like thinking that I am one of those girls that sits around, pouting about her lack of a love life and feeling all pathetic. B/c I know Im not. I just cant help feeling this way! I wish I didnt look at things with such a...romantic perspective. As direct, blunt, laid-back and social as I am, I still have a very sensitive side to me, especially when it comes to relationshps. I wish I could look at things more logically rather than going with my emotions. My dad has depression too, and sometimes I think I must have inherited some of those genes, b/c I can really get depressed sometimes anywhere from a few days to a week or so...and all I do is sit around, mope and obsess over whatever is getting me down.
Again, sorry for venting, but I am feeling extra lonely tonight so I thought Id post here...would love to hear your thoughts.
I ended up staying in tonight and I read your post earlier so I had to respond. :)

So yeah, we should talk!! How funny, you do sound extremely similar to me.

Well, I too consider myself a social-butterfly. I have a lot of amazing, intelligent and caring friends. I am satisfied with my social life, especially it is so much more fulfilling now that I am single. I also consider myself to be very attractive (I am exotic-looking too! How funny. Except Im a white girl, but people never think so, haha.) I meet lots of guys but it is VERY difficult to meet guys that a) arent after just one thing, b) act like they are after MORE than just one thing, and then you realize they're not (possibly after you've given them that one thing, and c) quality and worthy of being serious with.
That is where I struggle! I also tend to be very direct, and honest, and I have a lot of interests and can keep myself busy. I am a very big thinker and just as big of a talker. I have to express myself. But I have this side of me that is just incredibly romantic, deep, and maybe even fantasy-filled...which is where things like romance, etc. can affect me much more deeply than others. It sounds great but I tend to get hurt a lot more deeply than others. I tend to find the beauty in so many things in life (I cant tear myself away from watching babies and their moms, or older couples holding hands). I just have this very deep, intense side of me, and I think I feel things very strongly and therefore live on my emotions. Which again, sounds great, but its not when a lot of people don't have this quality! I also can be VERY altruistic...while Im a laid-back person, if I really care about someone I am very giving. Which can really backfire on me sometimes.

So with all that said, I think when I wrote that last post it was one of my lower points, mood-wise. It is so frustrating that I finally got to this point that I thought was The Impossible: finding someone who I felt I could get serious with. I always thought I would have issues with that, or just wouldnt ever find anyone to compare to my ex (who is an a-hole anyway and shouldnt be a standard, but still). But I did. And then he is suddenly having to go out of the country for 6 months! It just really got to me. And I get mopey and wallow in my misery and write on these boards.

But, I do think there is a lot of truth in the phrase "life is what you make of it". Ever since my breakup when I was in so much pain, I took a very proactive role with my life. I was going to cultivate my friendships. I was going to remain busy and satisfied as much as possible. I was going to try not to be so hard on myself (which I am, all the time), and I was going to put less emphasis on men. I have a lot of activities I am intersted in, and part of me knows I should be using this 'single time' of my 20s to really just enjoy myself and do everything I want to do. It would be a lot easier if I had the money, ha. But in a way its very true. I dont want to just sit around whining about how I am single. Today for instance, I woke up, made my tea and breakfast, and realized, I DONT HAVe ANY PLANS! For the first time in a month. I typically give myself a lot of down-time during my week and weekends, but usually I always have options of doing things. So, I began to sit and mope about how I didnt have anything to do, I wish i wasnt single, blah blah. Then, I got up, got dressed up, and went to the MOMA by myself (the museum of modern art here in NYC). And I had a blast! I do like doing things alone, and I just realized- why am I not doing things alone more often, instead of sitting in my apt feeling limited?

I cant say that I wonder what I did before I met my ex. My life doesnt change that much when I am in a relationship. I dont spend my time necessarily differently, its just that I spend my time wth someone else rather than alone.
I also cant say that I miss having a boyfriend all the time. I do enjoy my own time to do all the things I mentioned above (the proactive-ness). However, a lot of the time it jsut feels forced! And I think that, when I get down about this stuff, it is b/c I am lacking balance. What I have realized that i do want is to be able to find a guy that enjoys the same books, movies, food, culture and perspectives that I do, and then be able to stay in, chill, and just hang out while feeling like i am still being productive with my life. Because, as much as I can stay in at any point in time with my friends, we'd do something like watch Americas Next Top Model or something, hahaha. And my friends are extremely intelligent, its not like we have to watch bad TV. Its just that they fulfill a different part of me- I cant really stay in with my friends in candlelight talking about my dreams, my fears, etc. And I miss that deep, introspective, intense and loving side of me that is brought out with
a romantic partner. I like the challenge of learning about myself due to other people's influences. It can get old sitting around all day with only my own thoughts to think about (does that make sense?) During the week it is only work, gym, class, and relax. And the weekends is bars/lounges, movies, shopping, dinners, drinks, etc. etc. with my friends. And my friends can challenge me, on a lower-level. But I miss that part of my life that is just deeper and emotional.
So as much as I dont want to say that something is 'missing' in my life, mainly because I dont want a guy to have to complete me or make me 'better', I feel unbalanced. I feel that a very large part of my personality is not brought out often. I miss being alone and noticing something and wanting to point it out to someone that will completely understand. Again, I can do that with my friends, but it is different. Its just not the same connection. Its hard to explain.

With this one-month long guy, it had been so long and such a healing process that I felt that I could never be the same again or find someone that would make me want to get serious again. But, amazingly I found someone that really captured my attention in only a week or two...and now thats done with. Its so disappointing, but I think what bothers me the most is that I felt a certain side of me coming out again. And I felt a balance- we could sit in, hang out, cook dinner and chill, but talk in-depth and learn from each other. And now that I got a glimpse of what that is like, and I remember it, and now that its gone, it really threw me for a loop. Im trying to be logical about it, but that fantasy-world that I can live in sometimes wishes that he would just wake up, realize he does want to get me to know me better regardless of the fact that hes moving for awhile, and we'd continue on as was. Sigh.

My mom said that even if you do end up in a long-term relationship, you can still be very lonely. And I believe her. And I try to keep that in mind. I also try to keep in mind the fact that half of marriages end in this day and age. So I really want to live my life being happy on my own and not in need of anyone else. But its difficult. Being such a deep and loving person, I just feel life is passing me by and I am not given opportunities to really, really live and love and be my full self.
So I dont know if this makes any sense. I really do love being alone and living alone, but I think that there are definite drawbacks to that. I dont know if anything that I wrote resonates with you, but Im glad that you seem to see eye-to-eye with a lot of what I said. Feel free to talk about how you feel, Im sure I will understand.
Hi again Citygirl! I'm really glad you replied. I have to start by saying you sound like [i]such[/i] a fantastic person. You seem really centered, and mature, and so self-motivated it is enviable! Your post was really inspiring to me, which I needed tonight, after one of my particularly low moods (that I am still in, so forgive me if this post becomes a bit depressing at any point..) See, tonight I was coming back from this guy's house who I have previously had a semi-relationship with before.. now we are close friends. I had a great time, watching tv, talking, drinking wine... but then I felt a little claustrophobic and left for the night, and while driving home, I found myself intensely miserable again. So many great people out there... but none of them are the one I want. And the one I want I can't have.

I wish there were more people like you in my city (I'm in Melbourne, Australia, so a long way from you!). I too am surrounded by terrific friends, and am the kind of person that thrives off human interaction - talking and thinking and trying to work out how other people tick... So I find that I recieve something different from each of my friends. They are all intelligent girls, my age (22-23), and I just live for the laughter and fun that goes along with each of them. I have always been the kind of person to have a few 'best friends' - I do not so much hang out in groups, but see a different friend on different days and share different conversations and perspectives with each.

But something is lacking... and perhaps you are luckier in this sense ... what you wrote suggests that your friends are very much on your mental level, and intelligent and mature, and share similar perspectives as you. Well - I share countless similarities with these friends in terms of interests - but I find it very difficult to be completely honest with them about my feelings deep inside. You see, I am the 'guru' of the bunch - the one that they come to when they feel depressed, or something is wrong, or they need advice... and each of them is so close to me that they feel that they, exclusively, are my 'closest' or 'best' friend. But coming from my perspective, I can't say who is... because... well... I find it hard to be completely open with all of them. So I dispense advice, and sympathy, and I am a good listener and talker. But when it comes to me... well... I think perhaps I am scared to reveal these flaws and insecurities, or something like that? I'm not sure they'd be able to help either.. they have not had the life experiences I have, yet. I have always been very mature for my age (although i do act like an immature nut now and then for the sake of fun! which is important!) and they all have younger mentalities, and go for guys just out of teenager-dom, so it is hard to explain to them how I feel.

I keep my personal issues very close to my heart. So that is why I often need an outlet like these boards. It helps alot, and even writing this now is helping. Because my issues all surround this ex of mine, and perhaps not him specifically - it is just embodied by him in a way, because I am missing that one thing that I really want ... which is a long-term, serious, intense relationship. I miss it so much, and like you, I feel like I am unable to reveal these intimate parts of me that I cannot express to my friends, and I am missing out. I am up and down about it aswell, which seems similar to you - when I am busy, I think of it all less, and usually I am surrounded by others so I hardly have time to immerse myself in my own thoughts, and instead bury myself in their lives - ask questions, get them talking, have deep conversations about anything and everything. But then I get home, and I am by myself, and like you said, it can make you a little insane, only having your own thoughts to 'think about'. Unfortunately, most of my own thoughts are not all that positive. I always obsess about that which I don't have. And seeing as I'm a die-hard romantic.. that one 'thing' is perhaps the thing that is most important to me... and so everything else becomes a bit irrelevant.

My aim is to be more self-motivated, as you are. To get myself involved in as much as I can. I know what you mean about lacking the money! :dizzy: I study full-time, and work as a martial arts instructor (where I also train a few times weekly), as well as the gym, and I moved out just this year... so I guess there is alot I have achieved. But often that is clouded by the fact that I have noone to share that with. My ex is pursuing relationships with others as he is keen to settle down (whether he is 'happy' or not is another matter entirely). He is a beautiful man, and treats me very kindly, but it is difficult for me to watch him getting ready for marriage, when I feel so behind, without even an eligible man in sight.

You are dead right with the guy theory. So many are after one thing, or not looking for a serious relationship, or simply do not connect with me and just end up being infatuated and becoming a little obsessed with me. I am all for some fun with men, but casual relationships have always ended up with me bailing because the disinterest has grown overwhelming for me. They never measure up to my ex, and that is worse. Whenever I go out, I always seem to find myself swamped by younger men too - and seeing as my ex was 7 years older than myself, I'm looking for a more mature guy, say 26-28ish, but they are hard to come by! Perhaps I am looking in the wrong place, but I've always thought that going out 'looking' for a man is not quite right. He will appear for me one day. See, that is the romantic side of me coming out again! But maybe... just maybe.. we're wasting all our time caught up in these fantasies? Maybe its never going to be the fairytale we think it is?

[QUOTE=citygirl23]But its difficult. Being such a deep and loving person, I just feel life is passing me by and I am not given opportunities to really, really live and love and be my full self.[/QUOTE]

This part of your post really grabbed my attention. This is PRECISELY how I feel. It is a sad irony that I am so picky with men and so determined to find someone I truly connect with as I did my ex, and yet I have this chronic feeling that life is passing me by, and these are my prime years when I should be cuddled up with someone special, engaging in all the deep feelings and passions that go along with it. Perhaps that is a damaging way to think, but I have always felt like I need to be proactive and make the most of my time - and doing so alone, when I am young and have all this opportunity... well it gives me a sinking feeling in my chest. Am I wasting it all? Yet I still cannot bring myself to 'settle' for these men that I don't love even remotely... it almost makes me feel lonlier.

Well, sorry for the long post, and I hope that you will write back and comment. I'd like to hear what other things you do and what you're involved in. Also, do you see your ex anymore? And what has been the longest relationship you've had in the past? How long have you been single? Its been about a year for me now... well 2 if you don't count the various small, failed semi-relationships I've had in between...
Tyger and Levison,
Sadly, I think motivation is really what makes you heal faster from a breakup. It can seem really false, forced and like you are 'putting on a show'. It was really hard for me because I am very open with how I feel, and therefore if I felt like cra* I acted like it.
It is also easy to sit and mope, wallow, and assume that nothing will ever change. I have been there OH so many times. Still go there sometimes. :) But the truth is, if you believe you will never find anyone better than your ex, you won't. Again, it sounds false, it maybe it might not ever happen, but you have got to tell yourself that that is what you deserve. Otherwise you will be stuck without making progress. But I'll stop preaching because it isn't easy to convince yourself that you are 'OK' and I have a ton of weak moments too, haha.
Tyger, all of my friends are different, haha. Well, my close ones anyway. I have one going through a divorce, with 2 little girls, one going through a rough breakup, two who are in long-term relationships, one who seemingly has the most perfect marriage in the world (I wonder), and then a bunch of best friends who are even more single than I am (aka, havent had many lt relationships and dont date often). So it varies. We all complain though. Relationships are NOT easy, no matter if you're in one or not. That is what I am learning! Im figuring out that a relationship with the 'love of my life' will not be my salvation. So Im trying to give myself the skills now to be able to happy the rest of my life, whether I am single or not. We'll see! Haha.
My family lives 4.5 hours away from me...Im pretty close to my mom as of recently (we talk almost every day) but I havent always been. And my dad and I had problems when I was growing up (I blame a lot of my relationship problems on him, haha). But theyre better now. They really helped me a lot through my breakup, and when I get really lonely or want to cry I call my mom. She listens no matter what...typically. ;)
And for fun, lately Ive been reading a lot, and really working on my Spanish bilingualism, which can take up a lot of time and mental energy. I also chat on here to you guys and to my other friends that I havent seen in years that I am tracking down through the internet. And, when I have more money, I will be looking into art classes, dance classes (I want to improve my salsa :) and I used to be a major dancer), and I wouldnt mind learning another language, like Arabic or French. These are just a few of the things I enjoy. I LOVE watching movies too, and reading everything in site, and working out, or hanging out around the city. There is so much to do that sometimes I think I get so fixated on loneliness that I just accept it and dont try to change it. But I just made a huge list of everything I want to do...so why dont I when I get depressed? Its beyond me.
Anyway, I hope you're doing well, and feeling better about things...?
I know how you feel. The holidays can be lonely sometimes, especially because I am one of those chipper, annoying holiday-loving people that bounds around with tinsel around my neck trying to feed everybody. So when I feel that I am so happy, yet still lonely at the same time, it is bittersweet. Although, anything is better than last year. My ex was still pulling the "I dont know where we stand or if things are over" crap...all throughout Dec. Which was also accompanied by completely ignoring me. Nice combination, huh. I think I burst out in tears at the Thanksgiving dinner table at least twice...I prob. ruined the holiday for everyone. So as long as Im past that, I will enjoy it this year!!

Well anyway, I also know what you mean about the 'episodes' that you get where u lose all motivation. Oh how I have been there, girl. You can even tell through my past posts...one minute I'll be posting all about how I'm 'over it', and then next minute Im crying or depressed. It happens. But I really think that there is a lot to be said about really focusing on the good stuff and making sure that you are happy just being you. Ive been working on it all year, and I think I might actually be there, but its just really easy to forget that when you have a great guy in your life. So not only should you work on getting to the point where you all content all alone, but you should also make sure that you can STAY content on your own even when in a relationship, and that you dont wrap yourself up in the other person (as I learned the hard way).

Anyway, yeah...the lack of physical intimacy does suck. I know what you're saying about wanting that, but not really liking it with just anyone. I can't say that I don't enjoy it with just whoever, because I enjoy it no matter what, ;) haha but lately Im over the 'rebounding phase' so Im back to my normal self where I am waiting for the right person who deserves me :) I did have a friends with benefits thing for 4 months, b/c it filled the gap, but after that I really advise people against it...its just too much messing with the mind for me. So yeah...I definitely miss that SO MUCH too. Sigh. Plus, no matter how much I may try, I just cant sleep with someone continuously without getting attached (which isn't necessarily a bad thing!).

But as far as getting through the holidays, its really all about attitude and putting on a happy face. And just enjoying the holidays and what they're about (which, in my opinion, is really just good spirit and family). Try to take up some things that can distract how lonely you might feel. Last year when I was a psychological disaster, I made sure I was helping to cook, entertaining my grandparents, doign things that made me feel good about myself...you can even do something like volunteer, I know lots of places need volunteer work around the holidays, for people without homes and families, etc. THat could give you that boost that will make you think, "Wow. Im great. Men would be crazy if they didnt want to date me". I try to do something self-affirming quite often, actually...it helps with that feeling of being OK on your own. Which helps reduce loneliness. Also, try to catch up with your family...reminisce, look at old photos...things like this can really put your life into perspective.
Well anyway, I dont know if any of this will help. But I am always making the mistake of being too hard on myself for my sad moods, self-blame and loneliness, but sometimes its just human to feel that way. :p
Hi everyone,

Well, as of yesterday I have finished exams, which means a long summer/x-mas holiday of 4 months that will no doubt be filled with a whole lot of... nothing. I'm definately going to have to keep myself busy. My part-time job (instructing) stops over the christmas and new years period, and study does not begin again until March. I'm happy that I have no commitments to stress me as much now, but I think I'm also anxious because that will be a long 4 months without a man in my life.. its always harder over holidays.

Silentman, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup... you are in the tough stage now, and you sound to me as if you have faith in your recovery, which shows you have the strength to get through this probably a lot faster than I did. I know how hard it is after being with somebody for so long. Your entire life literally has to change, to accommodate the fact that there is now a big, empty void in it. But everyone here, especially Citygirl, has had great ideas for how to keep busy and help yourself to 'move on'.

I feel a little as if I'm eternally stuck in a rut. Its strange, because just before I was having coffee with my close girlfriend, and she said to me "oh, you're so lucky, everyone is after you... you have men calling you every day...and yet you don't lower yourself to any of them. You must be so centred right now." It was so strange to hear an opinion from the outside perspective. Because to me, I feel the least centred I have ever felt in my entire life, and these men are not really doing what they should be - boosting my self-esteem. Instead, they annoy me, and are not a speck on my ex. It is such a shame. I think I truly got one of the best ones there is, and now... well... I don't know there's any more of that mould out there!

The online dating sites idea is an interesting one. Has anyone here tried that? How did it go? I think I have a bit of a mental block about it.. it seems a little... forced and unnatural. But I [i]have[/i] met a man through a site once before... not a dating site though, and we ended up dating 3 months at the beginning of the year - but it wasnt that great and I ended it. I'm really having trouble even FINDING good men these days... probably because I'm so picky. Where is a good place to meet a man?
[QUOTE=Lance0204] then there's bars and clubs. most women, for some reason, think that no good men go to clubs but that's not the case (i went, ;) ). i personally don't like this method anymore since..well....only the female "players" seem to go there looking for sex, :D .[/QUOTE]

Thats so funny because thats what I say about GUYS! That is one of my 'reasons' for not liking bars/clubs to meet people at...but the funny thing is, thats typically the only place I meet them. My career is very female-dominant (Im a psychologist) and I work in an elementary school, so the few men that ARE there that may be of interest, well...I never see them b/c theyre up in a classroom all day. During the weekend, when I do get out there and do things, I dont get approached. Instead, guys just stare, or smile, but then don't do a thing. And I typically approach guys, and as much as I don't mind, Im getting tired of it. But I just find it funny that we always turn it around on the other sex- women assume 'men don't know what they want', or 'all men are ______ (choice negative description here)', whereas men say the same thing about women ('oh women at bars are all players who just want sex, etc.'). Maybe we need to all just stop generalizing! Im guilty of the same thing, and its hard when we feel bitter or lonely or confused about what people want...but I am a wonderful person and I go to bars, have sex, get confused with what I want, and I still think I'm a catch! :)

Anyway, Im sorry Tyger that you have this long vacation now to worry about. I definitely misunderstood you- I forgot you are in Australia, so I was just giving ideas for a short holiday break like we have here. :) As far as a whole 4-month long break, I can see why you are upset about it. But I think the right attitude would be to be excited about having all the time in the world to really find out what you want. Again, it may sound forced, but ive been in this position a few times. So, I basically try to 'positively force' myself to find something fulfilling out of my time off.
Example: this past summer that I had off of grad school (May- Sept), I got this job that took up so much of my time. I was still dealing with a breakup and that was difficult at times. But this job (I was basically a summer 'nanny') allowed to go ALL OVER the city, taking the kids sight-seeing, planning day events, etc. It could have totally sucked (and it did end up being horrible because of the MOTHER), especially b/c part of me was always a little nervous over running into my ex. But, in the end, I really got to do what I wanted...I went out with my friends every night, I got to see places in the city I havent seen before, and i kept thinking, 'wow, I bet lots of people I know havent gotten to see THIS'.
It is what you make of it, you know?

I also think traveling is a big thing. I know a lot of it is a problem of money when you are in school (that has been my problem), but when you have 4 months off, you have all the time in the world to backpack through Europe on the cheap (you really can do it cheaply); that probably gives you one of the most self-enriching and self-discovering opportunities there are! Imagine the people you could meet. Imagine what you could see and experience.
I think that part of why you feel so un-centered is because a) you're not over your ex, b) you compare everyone to him, and c) you havent met the right person. And all of that is NORMAL because I did it too. You really truly just have to find someone that either makes you tick more than your ex did, or at least is as desirable or better for you in DIFFERENT ways. It may take a while. I know that I always compared everyone to my ex, until I started thinking- WHY???! WHY am I comparing every innocent, new, potential guy to this person who broke my heart and destroyed me temporarily?
I know your situation with your ex is different and much less deceiving, which can make it more confusing with knowing how to move on. But youre not there yet, and thats OK. You don't have to instantly be healed and doing fine. Its a process, and some take longer than others. I know it sucks because you don't want to be in that 'process' anymore, but you don't want to feel like you're living a fake life either.

Well, Im rambling on, but my main point is, take this 4-month stretch of time to do whatever it is you've always wanted to do. THe more self-enriching, the better. Instead of thinking, 'oh god, I have all this time, how lonely will I feel!!?', think more along the lines of 'Oh my god, I have all this time, I can do everything Ive always wanted to do!!!'.
If I had 4 months to myself, this is what Id be doing (just for examples):

-going to Ecuador to stay with my friend and volunteering in the new school they opened up (1 month)
-if not Ecuador, Id backpack through Europe (1-1.5 months), OR Id rent out a flat in Spain and live there for a month
-if I couldn't travel due to lack of money, Id get some kind of different, new, unorthodox summer job (working as an assistant on movie sets, volunteering with some unusual organization) there are tons of stuff out there to research
-taking some classes (I would take some art classes), learn a language, join a book club..etc., I would do all those things if I had the time! My friend joined a book club, and while it may sound kind of 'nerdy'to some, they actually meet once every 2 weeks at someone's apartment, who cooks and then everyone brings wine, they pick books that EVERYONE is intersted in reading, and then they eat, drink, wine and chat about it. She says its a great time

So that is just some of what Id be doing. What helps is to think about yourself when you're 40, with kids, a demanding job, and a husband. What you would look back on and wish you could have done in your 20s when you were single and had all the time in the world??

Hope this helps Tyger. Lance, I agree with you about internet-dating, I wouldnt really do that. I think its one of those things about just hanging in there. I think that if an amazing, great love came around all the time, it wouldn't be as special. Those ones that really grab our attention come around very rarely...thats why they're so incredible. And I think we need to remember that. Its unfortunate, all of those times in between, but thats when we should be doing all of the things I suggested up above (not that we shouldn't do them when we are IN a a relationship). But I think single time is the time to do whatever you desire, and to love it!





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