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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


wow... i read the WHOLE thing... LoL...
figured since i put forth the monumental effort (yes... it was monumental... i'm a little slow... LoL), i'd chime in with my $0.02... :-)

there were a few observations / comments i wanted to make after reading this thread...

1st...
i think it's important for people to learn to distinguish between being "alone" and being "lonely"...
they don't necessarily have to go hand in hand...
i understand that many ARE genuinely alone and feeling lonely, and that's perfectly understandable, but i think it's important to know that you aren't necessarily doomed to be lonely just because you are alone...
make sense?

2nd...
some have mentioned basically defining their future happiness as depending on whether or not a particular person decides to love them...
you've described yourselves as being somehow "incomplete" without this person you're fixated with...
THAT'S codependency and is a pretty assured way to be continually miserable, unhappy, and unsatisfied... no way to live really...
i know how you feel...
i think one of the universal truths and commonalities among people is that we all want to be loved...
that's perfectly normal and understandable...
we lessen our capacities to BE loved when we define ourselves as "needing" to be loved in order to be complete...
those in the most successful and healthiest relationships (and there are no "perfect" relationships... everyone has their ups and downs and we ALL have to work on it from time to time) have all learned to love themselves FIRST, and understand that this is necessary before being able to truly love another...
it might sound trite and cliche, but that doesn't make it any less true...

i went from one relationship to another most of my life...
never really learned to just "BE" alone...
i mean... i've been alone in the past, but never learned to make the most of it and enjoy it and learn to just be with ME...
i finally did that after my last relationship...
in fact... spent 3 years alone...
learned to absolutely LOVE it...
sure i got lonely from time to time...
that's perfectly natural and i didn't beat myself up for it...
but i also learned that i don't "NEED" someone else to be happy...
sure i still "WANT" smoeone else in the long run, and don't "WANT" to be alone forever... but i got to the point where i knew i didn't "NEED" someone else... that i would still be OK if i went it alone in life...
even easier to do when you're surrounded by a great network of real and true friends who care about you and are there for you...
so i'm never really completely alone in that "hermit living in the mountains" sense... but i make sure to have plenty of time just with me...

i also sort of agree with the thinking that says you shouldn't be actively "looking" for someone all the time, but not necessarily for the same reasons as others have mentioned...
if you go out or put yourself in an environment with the priority and emphasis placed on having to meet someone, fall in love, etc., that puts a LOT of pressure on making that outing a success...
why not learn to go without putting that high a demand on what you want out of the evening, event, etc...
sure, we all would like to meet someone, but don't beat yourself up and refuse to enjoy yourself if you don't...

make the most of your time alone...
use the time to get into something you've always wanted to get into...

and how many of us are feeling this way because of the "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome...
how many times have you been in relationships (especially when you're fighting or going through a rough patch) when you've wished that you COULD be alone...

and i have a comment about the women who have decided that these exes, associates, etc., are "the ONE" for them...
i'm not trying to be unenthusiastic or rain on your parade, but if they have chosen not to be with you... they are most certainly NOT "the ONE"...
by definition, "the ONE" is someone that wants to love and be with you as much as you want to be with them...
can't be a one-sided affair...
the concept of "the ONE" is idealic so it should naturally include reciprocation...

and for the fellas complaining about not being able to meet women...
how many of you have REALLY put forth the effort and made yourself available?...
sure there are plenty who have...
i think it's important to always be yourself and be genuine...
that having been said, women are VERY perceptive and can pretty quickly pick up on whether or not your feeling insecure, uncomfortable, or have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, etc...
so if that's you (and that's ALL of us from time to time), try to improve your odds by learning to BE more comfortable in talking to new people...
start talking to men... women... whoever, just to learn how to be more social...
i've found the majority of people really enjoy and more readily take to someone who exudes a certain amount of self confidence while still being easy going... a good sense of humor will almost always work in your favor too...
laughter truly is the best medicine... even when it comes to breaking the ice... and be willing to laugh at yourself as well... don't try to be funny at someone else's expense...at least not exclusively... LoL...

well... that's my $0.02 on the subject...
i'd love to hear what some of you think about what i have to say...
even if it's just to say that i'm outta' my mind and i oughtta' re-think the way i think... LoL... :-)
[QUOTE]i mean, do you honesty believe that only people with those qualities are in relationships?? there are tons of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships. its one of those things you can't explain...its about being in the right place at the right time.[/QUOTE]

lol... uhhh... no, i don't think that ONLY people with those qualities are in relationships...
but my point was that i've observed that people with these qualities tend to find themselves with more opportunities to potentially end up in a relationship if that's what they want...

and i'm sure there are "tons" of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships...
i never said there weren't, or that my suggestions were a "lock" and would guarantee success... but i definitely have seen the odds improve as a result...

i'll tell you why i think what i think...
i used to be the guy that was insecure... VERY shy... had a hard time establishing eye contact with a girl let alone trying to start a conversation with her... and guess what... as a result, i mostly ended up being frustrated, feeling lonely, and being generally unsuccessful with women...
over time that sort of changed...
i stopped beating myself up...
i started just "being me" and stopped caring about whether or not i impressed a girl... i became more confident... started to genuinely care about actually getting to know women (as opposed to just thinking someone's good looking enough to want to date), truly enjoy making people laugh... and have developed a kind of "see how things go" type attitude...
if we hit it off... great... if not... great...
my point being, i think women are VERY intelligent, intuitive, and perceptive for the most part and can pick up pretty quickly on if someone's putting on a "front" to try and impress them...
once i stopped caring about that (ironically), i started finding that there were a great deal more women interested in pursuing a conversation with me or getting to know me better...
i guess my point is that there's no "formula" for getting a girl's attention and sparking her interest enough to want to go out with you...
my point is that you HAVE to be genuine... and in being genuine, and letting the chips fall where they may, so to speak, you show that you are confident, secure in yourself, etc... and women respond to that...
if you're telling me a woman's going to pick the insecure guy over the secure guy in a lineup (lol)... well... he's welcome to her... i don't think i'd be interested in THAT woman anyway then...
and that's her right... but like i keep saying... no big deal...
i don't HAVE to be with someone right now... i can continue to be happy meeting all kinds of different people and seeing which ones i "click" with...

if i'm out of my mind, let's hear what some of the women have to say about my perceptions...
ladies?

just my $0.02... :-)

and "Stillsearching"... i noticed your post on another thread too which was similar to your comment here...
and i think most men ARE somewhat intimidated by an attractive, successful, and clearly "together" woman such as yourself...
and sure it makes meeting guys harder...
i hear good looking women all the time talk about how they wish more guys would approach them, not be so afraid to talk to them, etc...
but at the same time, the ones that ARE too scared to talk to them... well... they're probably not the type of guy that these women (women like you) want to end up with anyway...
wouldn't you rather get to know someone who ISN'T afraid to take a shot and try to connect with you?
yes... these types aren't the majority...
most of us are slobbering meatheads with the IQ's of handballs and the personalities of parking meters... but those worthwhile gems are out there and as long as you keep being you and continue to put yourself out there, i'm confident that you're bound to come across them...
but enjoy the "in the meantime" as well... :-)





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