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I have been feeling extra-lonely lately. I just wonder if I will EVER meet the right guy for me. I am really tired of being this lonely. My only single friend has met someone and she is already in love with him. I am so happy for her, but hearing all about it has made me feel even more lonely (and I didn't think that was even possible :) ). What do you do when you are this lonely? I have a really full schedule with work, and other things that I am involved in. I guess I will just continue to stay busy, but when the weekend comes--that is when I really feel all alone. I am tired of going out, so there is really not much else to do to meet guys, so normally I spend my weekends shopping, reading, or spending time with family. The thought of continuing this endless cycle and never meeting anyone really scares me. Any ideas or thoughts are appreciated!
Hi GG - long time no "see"! ;)

Though I really can't give you any positive advice - I'm at the point where I can barely function myself.

Just wanted to say I'm right there with you, because I am all too familiar with that feeling. So please don't give up! * hugs* - CC :wave:
Well You've prob heard this before but you'll only find a guy when u stop looking. But its true, i met my boyf at a stage in my life where i was happy on my own. So I suggest joinin evenin classes/a gym/going to galleries etc (basically gettin new hobbies) but without the aim to meet a guy and start enjoying life, we only live once! I reckon when you feel your life is pretty gd and your not feeling so blue mr.right will turn up when you least expect it.
Is there a way you can schedule something for the weekend? I have a part-time job on Sat. and Sun. nights that keeps me so busy and I love having the extra cash. Plus I've met a lot more people working there. I also make sure that I make plans way in advance for the daytime part of the weekends, so that I never find myself just sitting around.

There are also Saturday morning/afternoon classes or volunteer activities available. Try to look at this period of your life as having lots of free time for you to explore anything you've ever wanted to explore, because when you do find someone to be with, you might be too busy to do the things you want to do.
Your not alone on this one.

I got myself involved in doing searches on family trees. But I do still feel lonely at times.
I feel ya. I feel the exact same way. I hate it. Feeling as lonely as I feel is seriously scary sometimes. I moved out this year and live alone. Three of my friends got married last year, and 3 of them have babies now :) I just always hate feeling like the 3rd or the 5th wheel in almost every circumstance nowadays. I work all the time it seems like. I work long hours over the weekends, at a job where I just basically sit there for 12 hours a day. It is starting to get to me. I hate how I feel usually. I hate to say this but, I almost get sick when I see two people together in love. I don't really have any single friends anymore, or at least any that I see regularly. All my close friends are either married or in a ltr, and most my friends have kids now. It just sucks to feel like you don't have anything in common with your friends anymore. I came out of the closet at the beginning of this year and that was hard enough, and I am so glad I did it because it made me feel a thousand times better. I thought I would feel so much better and not be depressed anymore but, I feel more alone than ever....
You're not alone. i know exactly what ya thinking and how ya feeling as well. I fell for a guy who I know will just treat me as a friend. But he aways does things and concerns about me beyond the limit of what a friend should do. He text me almost everyday to ask how was my day or even text me good nite.Sometimes, he is cold towards me. Say, he wont text for few days. I always want to keep a distance from him because I know I shouldnt be like this I must move on but I feel hurt. Sometimes, when I keep a distance, he will approach me but on the other hand, sometimes he will also stay away from me. When I ask him whats wrong with him, he will say I stay away from him. Anyway, this guy is simply driving me crazy. He makes me confused. Make me think of him day in day out. And I feel very lonely as well...so, you're not alone...
ah well, it is SO true when they say it'll come to you when you stop looking. man, ive been single for 4 months after a little over 2 years..and i was so intent on finding somebody that i drove myself up a wall...and i wore myself out...then i stopped looking, and an absolutely nearest to perfect guy asks me out...so unexpected...i dont think im ready for a relationship yet but the fact is, i stopped looking and he kind of just fell right into my lap...:)
I do sympathise. It is a horrible feeling - I have been feeling it since my last relationship ended very suddenly not out of my choice just over a year ago.

I have spoken to god knows how many people about it and everyone has a slightly different view point but I have come to a few conclusions that act as some kind of 'comfort' if that's the right word. They might be different for everyone but for me they are:

1. Love is a gift that is given at a time completely out of your hands. All you can do is be ready to accept it (admitedly much easier said than done).

2. Don't compromise your own standards. When you feel alone it is all too easy to ignore certain things that ordinarily you would not 'accept'. In my view it's better to wait for the right person than accept a compromise just to be with someone sooner (have been there, done that and it isn't nice).

3. Accept the feelings you experience and let them naturally work through your system. It isn't nice when you are going through the upset, feeling alone etc. but you will be more than aware when you come out the other side. Personally I now have bad days and good days. When a bad day happens I do my best to accept it, embrace it for what it is with the knowledge that I'll probably feel different tomorrow.

4. Do your best to be YOU. I have tried so many times to change myself in different ways to fit in with different people etc and it has always ended up with me feeling even worse (and normally quite silly!). The best thing about being in love is that two people love each other for the people they are.

I am probably far too romantic for my own good but firmly believe there is someone out there for all of us. I know that words don't mean much when you feel upset, lonely etc. but if it is any comfort I know you will move forward and be happy in the way you want.

Keep your chin up and wish you all the happiness you deserve x
Oh my!! I feel like all of you do. Some days I felt I was the only person out there feeling like this. I have been single for over a year now and its starting to eat at me.
I have the random guy where there is mutual interest but its like he is scared to go any further.
I am very busy during the week with activities and work. Then on the weekends I am in a new house and landscaping the yard myself and seeing family and going to parks and such. I have done the whole "find yourself" deal and have become VERY happy with myself. Yet still no one. My confidence lacks a little but whose doesn't?:confused:
It is very hard to stop looking. How do you stop worrying about it???? I am sure we are all at the point in our lives were a ltr is the next step. So how do you stop thinking about it and looking for it?
Oh well..maybe one day I won't be so lonely.
Oh well, everyone is correct with their point of views. Get ourselves busy with work and activities to 'find ourselves' so that we can be happy.But what about after all those things were over? We will be back to alone again rite? And when there is time we have to be alone, we will start to think a lot again. As for me, I just couldnt get rid of that guy outta my mind so I think I will forever feel lonely until I meet that Mr Right one day :confused:
[QUOTE=CrimsonClover]Hi GG - long time no "see"! ;)

Though I really can't give you any positive advice - I'm at the point where I can barely function myself.

Just wanted to say I'm right there with you, because I am all too familiar with that feeling. So please don't give up! * hugs* - CC :wave:[/QUOTE]
Hi CC!! It's good to hear from you and I'm glad to "see" you too:) !

You don't give up either!! Which, I guess from what others are saying, we should just "give up" as far as looking for guys.

I really haven't been looking for anyone though, and there certainly hasn't been anyone to "fall in my lap" so to speak. I don't know. What is really aggrivating (and I know you can relate) is having to deal with family members bothering me about being single.

Anyway, hopefully we will meet the right guys at some point---I just hope that it is sooner, rather than later!!
I agree with everyone especially sweetcucumber. What do we do once we have found ourselves and done those hobbies and still get lonely?
oh well....maybe soon for all of us!
Hey Glamourgirl!!:wave: I haven't been on the boards much lately because I'm insanely busy in my final year of grad school, but I just happened to log in today and what is the first thing I see but your post. Crimson, Hi!:wave:

Hang in there girls, and guys. I know exactly the kind of feelings you're talking about. Being super busy helps to an extent but still not completely. Lately I've reduced my needs to two very basic ones: sleeping and eating, as I haven't had adequate time for either one since September. I feel extatically happy if I can go to sleep by midnight, but still, sometimes I find myself longing for more. I met some guys in the meantime, but no-one who's right for me. Just some dates with only lukewarm chemistry at best. To help myself feeling better, I made a list (I read it somewhere as a suggestion) of the characteristics I would love in my ideal guy and ideal relationship. Then when I have a minute of free time, I imagine myself being with this person, and how we relate to each other, and focusing on how it makes me feel. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but it does help to at least elevate my mood and sometimes I really feel like this person is already in my life, it feels so real! I I think that saying "what you resist, persists" is often true, and when we feel excruciatingly lonely and generally down, we are not likely to attract that right relationship. Sounds like a catch 22, yes, but from experience I can definitely attest to it. There is no easy answer to this--I think it has to be true that when we're ready, really ready to welcome that special person into our lives, and that person is also ready for us, things start falling into place almost magically. I, too, hope it happens soon for all of us and then we can share with each other how happy we are and how beautiful our relationships are :) Have a great weekend! Sophia
I totally understand
[FONT="Times New Roman"][SIZE="4"][COLOR="DarkRed"]I can certainly empathize with your situation. Since my divorce, I had hoped to meet someone but it has hardly gone as smoothly as I had hoped. As I mentioned in another post, I tried the online dating deal which didn't work for me. I was a very good husband and would make a very good partner/husband for someone else. Being alone can really hurt but I was very alone during my marriage. At least, now, I have a chance to meet someone. It's difficult to find the right person and I'm afraid to make another mistake. Plus, the dating world can be pretty nasty and dishonest. Plus, I'm a teacher and don't make the kind of money that many women seem to require here in California. Someone told me that when I give up on meeting someone, that's when the right person will come along. I haven't given up but I'm not going to sit in front of my computer doing EHARMONY anymore. The Hell with that!!:blob_fire [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[QUOTE=Pianoman1959][FONT="Times New Roman"][SIZE="4"][COLOR="DarkRed"] I haven't given up but I'm not going to sit in front of my computer doing EHARMONY anymore. The Hell with that!!:blob_fire [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

LOL, yeah, the Hell with that!:blob_fire :D We are all good people and would make great partners for the right person. I haven't really given up yet, either, but I hope to meet someone in a more natural way.
I agree! I don't really want to pay to have to meet someone. Of course I don't know where to meet guys right now.
The one I talked about in another post is just too d*** wishy washy. So I am trying to get that crush out of my mind and leave my other options open. It's just sad when I had such a strong feeling about him.
Anyways I am rambling. I pray that everyone on the post finds the man/woman of their dreams!! ;)
Dear GlamourGal,

Long time, no post. I miss your posts.

I understand how you feel and I'm not going to tell you to "stop looking, he's around the corner", or "keep yourself busy", or "finding your man won't take away your loneliness", but the last statement is true. But you already know all those crappy sayings.

Hang in there. I wish I could wave my hands and take away your feeling of loneliness. I still get lonely too.

It's okay if you're lonely, what you do with your loneliness is what matters.

One day, you'll look back & you will miss these quiet times.

Peace. :D

.
I understand how you all feel. I am going through the loneliness of being alone right now. The pain hurts, but I tell myself it just isn't my time yet. I mean I have great friends and family, but I miss that one aspect of having a partner in life. You know!? It doesn't help when everyone around me has a significant other either and they are constantly talking about them. Gets really irritating and at times you think they have no respect for that fact that you are hurting at the moment. I am generally extremely happy with my life right now I just miss that one aspect. It does get extremely lonely. I have learned to acknowledge the loneliness rather than try to pretend like I'm not. I have given up on looking for "love". Rather I am taking the time to spend it alone with myself. So, it is just me, myself, and I for the time being.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It does get frustrating when you see most of your friends paired off and you just can't seem to find your match. My friend just recently advised me that at this point, I should just try to get pregnant with an ex-boyfriend so that at least I have a child because I don't have that many fertile years left. Just told me to be realistic. It was so sad. That's not what I wanted or envisioned for myself in life. I want it ALL, not just a child without a father. I know I deserve better. Good luck to us all!
[QUOTE=SophiaM]My friend just recently advised me that at this point, I should just try to get pregnant with an ex-boyfriend so that at least I have a child because I don't have that many fertile years left. Just told me to be realistic. It was so sad. That's not what I wanted or envisioned for myself in life. I want it ALL, not just a child without a father. I know I deserve better. Good luck to us all![/QUOTE]
well, toots, that has to be the worst thing i ever heard actually, :rolleyes: you derserve everything and you'll get it, ;) and you have many fertile years left; at least 10-15 yrs and being a single mom is not cool as you can imagine.
I had a really great weekend. I spent Saturday with my mom, aunt, and cousin who has a 3 month old baby. We went out to eat and shopped. My mom told me that I hogged the baby, and I admit that I did! He was just sooo adorable. I truly hope that in the not too distant future I can have a baby of my own.

Sophia, how upsetting that your friend told you that you should get pregnant with an ex! You definitely do deserve better!! Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that our dreams are taking so long to come true, and it is hard to deal with the reality of it. I am worried about my best friend. She has only known the guy she is dating for a little over a week and she is so in love with him already. It has been a while since she has been in a relationship and I am worried that she might be getting too invested too soon. She just called me sooo upset because she had called him yesterday and he had not returned her call yet. She was literally crying and going crazy on the phone, and then he beeped in while we were talking. I'm glad that she has finally met a guy she is crazy about, but it is hard to talk to her anymore because she is already acting like they are married, and it sounds like to me that he is using her. Anyway, I'll be here if she needs me, but she's a grown girl, so hopefully she will use good judgement.

Fabat, thanks for your words of wisdom! I have missed you too!! :)

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now, even more so than being lonely, is that I don't like that people feel sorry for me because I am single. I don't like people sadly looking at me, and talking about me like I am missing out. I am happy with my life, and I do wish I had someone, but I do know that I don't HAVE to have someone in order to be happy.
I hear ya. Ive been single for a little under a year now, but I dont even look at that as truly being single b/c I was getting over a horrible breakup. It isnt until recently that Ive felt OK to really, truly date again and its been HARD. It has been fun, too, but...I dont know, I am constantly amazed by the way some men think (especially when in their 20's, as I am). I tend to find myself in situations where guys only want to get some, and in the rare situation that I actually think, eh, why not, I find myself sometimes even lonelier. I end up still unhappy b/c I am not getting what i want, which is something consistent, with someone who really cares for me and will want to be with me and work for me and just be caring and loving. But...I just keep finding players and/or guys Im not attracted to. I just posted recently about a guy that I got set up with who came highly recommended from an amazing friend, and he didnt even ask for my # b/c I wouldnt do anything physical with him the very first time we met!!! Its horrifying.
Im young but Im still frustrated too. I live alone, and I love it, but sometimes it gets hard. I stay really busy and find myself only home on the weeknights, and even thats only for a few hours late at night. But Im the type of person that needs to constantly be on the go, or my mind starts going. And a lot of the time, my idle mind turns to negative thoughts on relationships. Not good.
Im in this phase right now where Im really just trying to have fun, meet a bunch of ppl and have a good time without putting much emphasis on others. I am really trying to concentrate on myself and do fun things while Im single. But I wonder- I always grew up with the dreams of having the marriage and the kids and doing things with a great love (travel and holidays, etc.). I had that in some ways with my ex, but now that Im back at Square One its tough. I agree about the 'finding oneself'. I definitely am trying to do that, but I mean, I cant soul-search my whole life. I am basically trying to just enjoy my mid-20s with my friends in NYC, but I cant say I dont get lonely and/or discouraged. It doesnt help that I keep meeting ridiculous guys. Ah well.
[QUOTE=glamourgal]I had a really great weekend. I spent Saturday with my mom, aunt, and cousin who has a 3 month old baby. We went out to eat and shopped. My mom told me that I hogged the baby, and I admit that I did! He was just sooo adorable. I truly hope that in the not too distant future I can have a baby of my own.


I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now, even more so than being lonely, is that I don't like that people feel sorry for me because I am single. I don't like people sadly looking at me, and talking about me like I am missing out. I am happy with my life, and I do wish I had someone, but I do know that I don't HAVE to have someone in order to be happy.[/QUOTE]

I love babies! they smell so sweet and they make those cute sounds! I hog them too! LOL When I see a baby walking by in a stroller, I just can't help but try to peek in there just to get a glimpse of their angelic faces.:D I'm glad you had a nice weekend.

In regards to people feeling sorry for you because you're single, I used to have those too.... people used to say to me, "Oh, don't worry, you'll find one soon, he's out there" while they're patting me on the back. I feel like turning around and slapping their hands off of me! LOL But you know something, being married for a short time now, It's a HUGE adjustment. Nobody can convince me that I can still have my independence in a marriage, no matter how understanding my husband is. I still have to consider him. For example, the other night, I texted my son and told him that I'll be home late, going out to dinner w/ some friends. But I completely forgot to text my husband! HAHAHA! When I left the restaurant, I had 3 messeges from my husband... I completely forgot to tell him that I was coming home late. LOL I felt so bad, but then again, it's an adjustment that I truly don't like. I've been answering to only one man, my main man (my son) for years and now I have to answer to two. BIG SIGH.

In my humble opinion, those people who pitty single people are jealous that they have so much freedom to do things whenever they want, wherever they want and with whomever they want. A part of me still want that freedom I so much enjoyed. Consider the source hon, they're probably unhappy and stuck in a marriage they so much want out of, but too scared to do it.

Hang in there kiddo.

I hope you find peace. :D
Arrrgh, yeah, Glamour! It is such a paradox! I have a friend who's boyfriend just can't make that commitment after a few years of dating, and periodically he stops picking up her calls and then she literally freaks out and turns into a psycho, calling him every 5 minutes!!! And yet, as soon as everything is resolved, she will criticize me for being too soft, not assertive enough, not "cool" enough, etc. It's sooooo easy to talk when you're not emotionally invested in the situation. I think I will stop talking to my friends about my relationships or potential relationships altogether. And I know what you mean how those people who are with someone make it a point to highlight it and then you end up feeling like a "loser." I'm trying so hard to ignore it but it's kinda hard. ALL the students in my department are girls, and most of them are in relationships, even the not-so-attractive ones. I just don't say anything when they talk about their boyfriends. I just shut up and smile. I mean, what am I supposed to say? Our turn is coming soon, GG! I feel it:wave:
GG, I totally understand where you are coming from. And Sweetcucumber, I think I could've written some of your exact posts myself, they hit so close to home.

I am so lonely.

I have been single for almost 2 years now, which is shocking for me. I have never too much of a problem attracting men, and many I can't find obvious fault with - but none that I feel any sort of connection with and it leaves me feeling so hopeless and alone. I have dated a little and was with a guy for a month or two, others were just one-off's, but I always leave them after a short time, feeling as hollow and alone as ever. I even had a casual physical relationship with a really fun guy for months, trying to forget my ex... but it did not change my feeling of loneliness and I ended it which only caused him sadness. Sometimes I crave intimacy - both physical and emotional - so badly it feels like it is killing me.

I empathise with Sweetcucumber because I am quite painfully addicted to my feelings for 2 men... one being my ex-boyfriend, who I never recovered from after our awful breakup 2 years ago. My feelings for him are very strong, and I invest so much time thinking about him that sometimes my chest hurts with thoughts of him. Beyond him there is only one other man who I desperately want to be with, but he is in a long-term relationship at present, despite the fact that he is very flirty and intimate with me, and can never seem to keep his eyes off me. We are close, talk often, and connect on many levels. But then sometimes he will avoid me like the plague, and even becomes nervous and distant around me, which is just plain confusing :(

My theory is that because I have noone in my life, I focus in on these men that are basically unattainable, because I have nobody better to occupy myself with. But then because I am obsessing about them, I have no motivation or desire to start any potential relationships with anyone else, or even give them a chance. So it is a vicious, unbreaking cycle, and I don't know what there is to be done about it. I just keep hanging in there in the hopes that something will 'happen', cos there are occasions where it seems very possible, going by their actions towards me. But then...nothing.

I am only 22, but I feel old and sad inside. I feel like I have noone and never will. I feel like the novelty of 'finding myself' and having time to do the things I love and meet new people has worn off long ago, and now I am just becoming more and more lonely and depressed. My friends are in relationships, or at least pursuing them and enjoying themselves, and it eats away at me that they have someone to spend a cozy friday night in with, and I have nothing but my lonely apartment. I am not close to my family and only see them every fortnight or so. I try to keep myself busy and surround myself with friends, but I am seen as the mature, collected and independant one of my group, and it is hard to relate my fears and loneliness to them - they don't have anything constructive to say besides "you'll find someone, you'll be fine" and then start asking me what to do about all their problems and issues which I have even less answers to.

Sometimes I feel like I will be waiting for my ex forever, and will grow old alone. But then, I can't [I]force [/I]myself to go out there and truly [I]want[/I] someone. That feels so stale and forced, and I have seen my ex go down that path and end up worse than he started. I'm so unhappy.

P.S. Hi to Sophia, hope you have been well xox
[QUOTE=Fabat40]...In my humble opinion, those people who pitty single people are jealous that they have so much freedom to do things whenever they want, wherever they want and with whomever they want. A part of me still want that freedom I so much enjoyed. Consider the source hon, they're probably unhappy and stuck in a marriage they so much want out of, but too scared to do it....[/QUOTE]

OK...OK... LOL. No need to add insult to injuries :D So us paying the penances like to tease the fortunately free as consolations to our own bad predicaments. But fools make the world go around...so to speak. :D

Loneliness is more a state of mind than the physical surroundings. You can be in the middle of a family gathering with cherished friends and still feel "lonely". Been there, done it, did the wrong thing again...darn it.:mad:

The key to "not looking" is to find the social activities (i.e. there are other people present) where you will get enjoyment regardless of meeting someone or not. It's kinda of like going fishing for me these days. I'm just glad to be out and about, away from the house and office. To actually catch something suitable for dinner is just a bonus.

Who knows? It is probably more likely for you to land that catch on your next trip to the hardware store or garden center. Just don't hang out with guys that blabs on endlessly about power tools or fertilizers. :D

Cheers and good luck.
I know how you feel Tyger. I am 24 and it seems almost everyone in my life is married, getting married, or in a relationship. It is very hard these days especially when the two guys I was talking to don't seem to be interested anymore.
I am the one that has finished college, good job, new house and yet don't seem to have anyone to share it with.
On the other hand I do love my free time and not having to answer to but I wonder that all of this love and nurturing I have to give will go to waste. I seem to be the only one of my friends who thinks that though.
I do wish you all happiness and peace!:wave:
I'm so sad today :( I came clean to my ex and told him I wanted him back.. that he is the one I want to end out my days with and that I haven't stopped loving him, the love has just changed and grown. He was hugging me and was emotional about it, but the bottom line is he said he couldn't do it again, for whatever reasons he has, and he wants to remain friends even though he has a strong attraction to me still which he has to work through.

So thats that and I am very depressed. It seems I am going to be alone, probably for a long time to come... while he, and everyone else i know, is going to move on and get married and start a family. I think my soul will just break when he does that without me. And I don't feel like I have much left in me as it is.

He used to love me so much... he treated me like a princess... I feel like its all my fault for messing things up and us having to end. I should've held tighter to what I had and now its too late.

I cant take much more of being alone. I just want someone to hold me and love me and the prospect of going to bed alone every night and waking up just as alone is more than I can bear these days :(

Don't know how to cope. Since we broke up, all I can remember is being lonely, whether I'm temporarily with a guy, or not.
Tyger,
I'm sorry that you feel so sad today. I know how it is to feel like you messed up with an ex because I messed up with mine and now he is married to someone else. I have finally been doing better about dwelling on the past (him), and I have moved on. I do still think about him from time to time though, especially when I am at my loneliest. It is so easy to do, yet I know it is the wrong thing to do. It only makes me feel worse about myself, and even more lonely. The only solution I have found is hope. The hope that someone better suited for me is just around the corner. My hope is tall, dark and handsome with killer eyes and a killer smile (which appears EVERY time I walk into the room:D )! Anyway Tyger, I am sending cheery thoughts your way!! I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Love, GG
~Tyger~ , Thanks for understanding me. I am so sorry that you are sad and hurt. I know exactly how the hurt would feel. It is not an easy experience but I believe you can get over it pretty soon. Just be strong. Just remember that you are not alone. Things will be fine. What you need is time. GOD bless.

Well, as for me, I am not in a good condition as well. I couldn't erase that guy outta my mind. I think I am emotionally too attached to him. I will wait for him to text me everyday and he actually did, but to my understanding, he is just treating me as a friend. That's sad. When he text me all the time I actually find myself even harder to forget him. That tortures my feelings. Like some of you out there have said, I couldn't let go since he is not mend to be mine yet actually still hope that 'something will happen'. That's bad. I really couldn't imagine how am I going to survive if one day he tells me he has got a gf.

Sometimes when I think logically, there is no right or wrong. Could be he doesn't know he has accidentally make me fell for him. As to me, I couldn't blame anyone when I get older and I still couldn't find my Mr Right. It's all because I close up myself from somebody else and keep waiting for him. Some weekends, when there's no outing with my girl friends or so, and I am alone at home, I will start to think about what is he doing and who will he go out with, things like that. With only thinking about all these..I go crazy. I also don't know what should I do. I really hope GOD will listen to my prayer to set me free from all these. I want to suffer no more. Sometimes, I am body without soul. Sometimes, I feel depressed for no reason. I hope I will meet the right guy soon. So do you ~Tyger~. Cheer up ya :)

Good day, everyone!!:wave:
[QUOTE=sweetcucumber]

Sometimes when I think logically, there is no right or wrong. Could be he doesn't know he has accidentally make me fell for him. As to me, I couldn't blame anyone when I get older and I still couldn't find my Mr Right. It's all because I close up myself from somebody else and keep waiting for him. Some weekends, when there's no outing with my girl friends or so, and I am alone at home, I will start to think about what is he doing and who will he go out with, things like that. With only thinking about all these..I go crazy. I also don't know what should I do. I really hope GOD will listen to my prayer to set me free from all these. I want to suffer no more. Sometimes, I am body without soul. Sometimes, I feel depressed for no reason. [/QUOTE]

This is all so true... I know especially what you mean by it being hardest on weekends when you are home alone. I get extremely lonely on weekends, actually most nights, because I don't sleep till very late usually, and even if I go out for coffee with my friends or go out, i will be up hours later, by myself, thinking over and over about him. I disect every little thing he says, or does, and if I message him and he doesn't reply, I get very upset. I hate going to bed alone, and I agonise over what he might be doing. I jump to conclusions and work myself up about it pointlessly.

And I especially know what you mean about not hopening myself up to other people and it being my own damn fault if Mr Right doesn't ever come into my life. I am just so intensely determined that he is Mr Right, and even if he isn't with me, I should hang around on the off chance that he will come to me. I am just too in love and can't get past it.

There isn't really any right or wrong to it - i don't think these men are bad in any way or trying to hurt us. Moreso, they are extending a friendship to us. But I dont know how to push past the feelings, and cutting him out of my life for good is probably more than I could bear to do.

I am going to go to bed alone now :( I prey that we find someone soon, or that these men one day look at us in the way we so desperately want them to :(
[QUOTE=~Tyger~] I disect every little thing he says, or does, and if I message him and he doesn't reply, I get very upset. I agonise over what he might be doing. I jump to conclusions and work myself up about it pointlessly.

There isn't really any right or wrong to it - i don't think these men are bad in any way or trying to hurt us. Moreso, they are extending a friendship to us.
I prey that we find someone soon, or that these men one day look at us in the way we so desperately want them to :([/QUOTE]

I agree with what you have said. I also feel upset when he doesn't reply me or reply me later than usual. *sigh* Really don't know what can be done. Ya, we should pray hard. To trust in GOD is the only thing I can do now. Just let GOD leads the way....
Do you know what I have always found? Two things. One is that guys never come along when I am looking for them... they come along when I am quite happy without them. I have also found that the guys I focus on never come to me when I am at my most obsessive, and the guys that are approaching me I don't pay attention to because I am being narrow-minded.

Those things in mind... I'm starting to think that the best course of action is to go out there and be open minded and open hearted with the people that ARE vying for our attention. Even if at first they seem completely...er... lacking. For whatever reason. There are quite a few men that show interest in me that I just keep at arms length because I'm so not interested, and my heart is so set on 'him'. Perhaps if we get to know these guys - even completely platonically (cos I'm not sure I can stomach more..) - then the ONE we most want will suddenly sit up and pay attention!

I guess I sorta realised that they won't come to us while we're obsessing. Perhaps we are moving a step closer to our goal by moving back a step and focusing on others for a bit. If nothing else, it will help us develop new friendships I suppose.

And hey, that'll mean a few more people to go out for a coffee with, when we'd otherwise be sitting at home feeling upset and lonely.

What do you think? I remember some advice someone once gave me: when one thing isn't working, you need to change the action, not the reaction. As in, no matter how we try to think this way and that in our heads, the only thing that might bring around a different situation is changing our actions somehow.

Just some thoughts. I really need to pull myself out of this sadness.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]Do you know what I have always found? Two things. One is that guys never come along when I am looking for them... they come along when I am quite happy without them. I have also found that the guys I focus on never come to me when I am at my most obsessive, and the guys that are approaching me I don't pay attention to because I am being narrow-minded.[/QUOTE]

This is so true. Whenever I try to stay a distance from 'him' so that I can get over him soon, he will kinda approaches me by himself. For example, he will kinda concern about me even more and text me more. On the other hand, when I think I emotionally need him most (I did not tell him of course), I find that he somehow acts cold towards me or hard to be approached at that certain time. Could be he can just sense something. Then I will feel so upset and isolated. I even start to wonder what has gone wrong that makes him stay away from me. I think I really make myself a fool out of all these.

Ya, I really hope I can open up myself to know more friends and start to be myself. At least when I mix around with more people I won't feel that lonely and miserable. But the most important thing for now is to be able to open up my heart for people other than 'him'.
I'm glad you think so sweetcucumber, cos' we are in the same boat here and need to support eachother, and I think we've made a good start. Just get out there and do your best to not rely on 'him' so much. And then maybe he will start approaching YOU more often, and YOU can be the one acting cold and distant sometimes, and at other times warm and approachable!

I think we just need to gain a little of the control back into our lives... it is almost like these men are inadvertantly running our lives for us and telling us what to do and when... without even realising it! That is alot of unfair pressure on them and perhaps this is why they take a step back from us at our most attached.

I still prey they will come to us one day. But I know it won't happen with me breathing down his neck and wanting to see him and be with him ALL the time.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I'm glad you think so sweetcucumber, cos' we are in the same boat here and need to support eachother, and I think we've made a good start. Just get out there and do your best to not rely on 'him' so much. And then maybe he will start approaching YOU more often, and YOU can be the one acting cold and distant sometimes, and at other times warm and approachable!

I think we just need to gain a little of the control back into our lives... it is almost like these men are inadvertantly running our lives for us and telling us what to do and when... without even realising it! That is alot of unfair pressure on them and perhaps this is why they take a step back from us at our most attached.

I still prey they will come to us one day. But I know it won't happen with me breathing down his neck and wanting to see him and be with him ALL the time.[/QUOTE]
Hey tyger,

I remember your story... I think... is your guy- ex guy and you both karate instructors working at the same place?
Yes, thats right.

It is one of those things I think I will never entirely get over, and I have resigned myself to that fact now... I just want him back so much...
Ya ~tyger~, we are in the same boat. I am giving you my moral support here. You have to be strong. You will get over it soon.Take care!
Sigh... This happens to guys, too. I had a friend that told me "Your life would be perfect if you had a wife!" Key emphasis on HAD. :(

wb
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]Yes, thats right.

It is one of those things I think I will never entirely get over, and I have resigned myself to that fact now... I just want him back so much...[/QUOTE]

Its kinda weird... just when you know you have that attraction for someone and they feel it back, sometimes one person feels it is not enough for whatever reason... and that one person usually ends up being the guy! I am sorry you are still feeling this way, I think part of the problem of not being able to get over him is you continuosly have to put yourself in the position of seeing him everyday. Can you transfer places?
[QUOTE=soulster]I think part of the problem of not being able to get over him is you continuosly have to put yourself in the position of seeing him everyday.[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. This is so true. As I am working with 'him' in the same company as well so we see each other almost everyday. It's real hard to get over him. Unless I change a job and that's one of my plans at this moment...
[QUOTE=soulster] I think part of the problem of not being able to get over him is you continuosly have to put yourself in the position of seeing him everyday. Can you transfer places?[/QUOTE]

Well, I did that, in fact. I did that for an entire year, maybe longer, when we first broke up. Contrary to what usually happens, it did not help me get over him at all. I mean, there were occasions of denial and ignorance where I just tried hard not to think about it, but that made it all the more difficult when I let me thoughts wonder to him or actually sat down, alone, and let the memories of him wash over me.

It is a strange thing, that I cannot get past him. I am independant and strong generally - but this is one thing that I think I am impossibly convinced of.. that he is truly the love of my life, and we are meant to be together.

Perhaps I could seperate myself from him altogether all over again, but I know I will just continue feeling hollow, and possibly more upset about it. I'm at that stage now, where I'd rather keep him as a friend then not have him in my life at all. I'll take whatever I can get, cos he is most definately worth it.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]It is a strange thing, that I cannot get past him. I am independant and strong generally - but this is one thing that I think I am impossibly convinced of.. that he is truly the love of my life, and we are meant to be together.[/QUOTE]

I read this book, forgot the name, in it it said that we can have more than one soulmate in our lives and that some soulmates actually meet but that one of the persons involved doesnt realize this or suppresses it so they ultimately do not come together and sometimes we meet a soulmate in which both people come to the realization that they were meant to be and as a result they do come together. So maybe this soulmate didnt work out for you, or that it might work out later in the future if he ever comes to any realization as you have that you two are meant to be together. But there will be someone else for you- another soulmate... so dont limit your life to just him. I know it sounds a bit out there, but anything is possible. I hope this helps
Thankyou for your thoughts soulstar... and all I can hope is that you're right and perhaps he will come to me one day... or I will find those other soulmates. I think I read the same kind of thing somewhere once - and I have heard from quite a few people/sources that there are apparently "7 soulmates for everyone somewhere in the world", so the chances of meeting them are...well... extremely slim.

I think I have been one of those people lucky enough to find one - me, of all people! I am usually the ice queen, and it takes alot for me to love. I find love difficult as I lost my mother and brother at a young age and have been through many a man since and ended up breaking up with them for lack of feeling. But this one touched my heart, and soul, and absolutely opened me up, laid me bare. I truly love him. It hurts to know that he may never - most likely will never - love me back, [I]again[/I]. The 'again' almost makes it worse - because once... he did. With all his heart, and it was so intense for him :(
[Removed for privacy]

Thanks for reading.
well, from a guy's perspective i can only say that you guys aren't making it easy, :D . i use the public transit (:eek: don't remind me) and EVERY woman i see is on an ipod or reading a book. think of how many potential conversations have been lost, :yawn: last week i was the stop at 7am and it was still pretty dark and this chick was reading a book, :D IT WAS FRICKIN' DARK!!!! there's no way she could see the words; i think she just didn't want me to talk to her...and i see all these women on the train frantically searching their bags for their ipods hoping that i won't get to talk to them..its so funny, lol!! i was thinking to myself, "sheeesh!! fine, i won't talk to you and would it be so bad anyway??"

well anyway, you guys might not like me and that's ok, i'm used to that, but...if you want to meet someone you really have to give yourself every opportunity and even create situations where there is a high probably of meeting someone..and yes, that means no ipods or reading books in the dark or pretending to talk on a cell phone that's turned off or joining "women only" gyms, :D . you have to give yourself a chance.
[QUOTE=Lance0204]
well anyway, you guys might not like me and that's ok, i'm used to that, but...if you want to meet someone you really have to give yourself every opportunity and even create situations where there is a high probably of meeting someone..and yes, that means no ipods or reading books in the dark or pretending to talk on a cell phone that's turned off or joining "women only" gyms, :D . you have to give yourself a chance.[/QUOTE]

I hear you Lance. I hear you.

I work for a company where it's 75% men (about half are unattached or single) and of course the other half... the remaining 25% are of course, women and about half are married. I'm not a bad looking gal, I'm intelligent, playful, voluptous in all the right places, I can carry on a conversation other than what's on sale at the dept store, I keep up with current events and yep, I am a book reader (but not in public places). I put myself out there not only at work, but also in the public places and I swear, men today are scared to approach women. When I try to start a conversation with men anywhere including grocery stores, they have this fear in their eyes when I make a comment about the vegetables we happen to be standing in front of! Then they scurry away as if I'm about to lunge on their arses and bite down hard.:confused: The only men who aren't afraid to say hello to me are the married ones or the ones who have girlfriends and I'm not about to go there.

I don't know. Here I am on a Saturday night typing away on my laptop. So, where does a young, intelligent, beautiful woman to do? :D
Thanks guys for reading my post. But...what should I do now to tackle this problem? :(
Lance has a very strong point. Just be open to the world. Maybe you have experienced men that are afraid of interacting, but many are not. I would try to get out as much as you can. Go to coffee shops, the gym, join a book club. I don't like the idea of being overly selective upon first sight of someone. I think this is a major problem. Whether someone is attractive or not depends a lot on what he/she says, confidence, how he/she moves, etc. For some reason people are so selective based on physical appearance that they filter nearly everyone out. I am always baffled when nice women say they can't get a date. If you smile and say hello to most men, they will know you're interested. Men never loose interest as long as they are alive. So what if it's not the person of your dreams. I would rather be going to diner than writing on a discussion board any day.
DomesticPenguin Thanks. I do understand what you are trying to say. I fell for him not because of his look. Mainly because of his care towards me. Anyway, I will try to be more open to the outside world as what you all have said. I just hope i can get over him soon. Thanks.
[QUOTE=sweetcucumber] Even his small action or simple words without purpose would hurt me sometimes....

I am facing these problems for about half a year already. I feel so depressed sometimes. I even start to mix around with new friends and get myself busy with other things over the weekends. But still, when the light is out at nite, I start to recall and think of all these again...I feel lonely and helpless.....and tired as well.....[/QUOTE]


I really feel for you sweetcucumber... I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure Lance and the other recent posters were commenting on your situation - I think they were commenting on the thread as a whole. Thats ok though it was all good advice, whether relevant to your exact position or not.

You see, with C (the guy that I'm still in love with), every small action he makes pretty much dictates whether I'm happy or sad. Sometimes at night, when I am alone, I go over and over the things he did or said and disect every shade of meaning wondering if they could mean he likes me, or hates me, or wants me but has reasons against it, or dislikes me but hangs out with me out of pity.. etc etc etc. I could go on! It is a little unhealthy and most of my day I am seeing people or out having coffee or occasionally having a big night out, so it is not so bad. But as you said, when the 'light is out at night'... yes it all comes back and your thoughts run straight back to 'him'.

I'm not sure what to say about the girl... is it difficult knowing that she is after the same man as you? Did I get that right? Your post said she was wanting him aswell... i would think that would make you rather uncomfortable seeing as you have such deep feelings for this man. But it is true - if she is a close friend, that comes first. But if he is a closer - and longer - friend, then her resigning should not make you feel guilty! Perhaps this was her intention! To make you resign too out of guilt or something? To seperate you from your closeness with the guy? That is no good... it was her choice to resign. Perhaps try to patch things up with her, see her for lunch, talk through if there's anything you can do in the workplace to make her feel more comfortable should she come back, but reinforce that you will not give up your friendship with this guy cos he is important to you and she will have to come to terms with that. Lastly, does she know how strongly you feel for this man? That you think you have fallen for him? Because if she does, and went ahead and told you she was after him too, then this is a classic 'competition for the same man' situation and that is no good.

Tell me how you go! I hope my post made some sense. I have to go to bed now it is late :( Wish me luck. I miss C so much, i saw him at a work lunch today and could barely stop talking and touching him the whole time, and then when he left he gave me this big, lingering hug and kissed me on the cheek about 50 times. Yet.. he tells me he is seeing this girl still... :(
[QUOTE=Stillsearching]When I try to start a conversation with men anywhere including grocery stores, they have this fear in their eyes when I make a comment about the vegetables we happen to be standing in front of! Then they scurry away as if I'm about to lunge on their arses and bite down hard.:confused: The only men who aren't afraid to say hello to me are the married ones or the ones who have girlfriends and I'm not about to go there.
[/QUOTE]yeah and the only women i seem to get to talk to or meet every 15 yrs or so always have bfs', :rolleyes:
[QUOTE=Stillsearching]So, where does a young, intelligent, beautiful woman to do? :D[/QUOTE]
well..um..ahh....i have some ideas!!! ;) :wave: :blob_fire
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I really feel for you sweetcucumber... I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure Lance and the other recent posters were commenting on your situation - I think they were commenting on the thread as a whole. Thats ok though it was all good advice, whether relevant to your exact position or not.

You see, with C (the guy that I'm still in love with), every small action he makes pretty much dictates whether I'm happy or sad. Sometimes at night, when I am alone, I go over and over the things he did or said and disect every shade of meaning wondering if they could mean he likes me, or hates me, or wants me but has reasons against it, or dislikes me but hangs out with me out of pity.. etc etc etc. I could go on! It is a little unhealthy and most of my day I am seeing people or out having coffee or occasionally having a big night out, so it is not so bad. But as you said, when the 'light is out at night'... yes it all comes back and your thoughts run straight back to 'him'.

I'm not sure what to say about the girl... is it difficult knowing that she is after the same man as you? Did I get that right? Your post said she was wanting him aswell... i would think that would make you rather uncomfortable seeing as you have such deep feelings for this man. But it is true - if she is a close friend, that comes first. But if he is a closer - and longer - friend, then her resigning should not make you feel guilty! Perhaps this was her intention! To make you resign too out of guilt or something? To seperate you from your closeness with the guy? That is no good... it was her choice to resign. Perhaps try to patch things up with her, see her for lunch, talk through if there's anything you can do in the workplace to make her feel more comfortable should she come back, but reinforce that you will not give up your friendship with this guy cos he is important to you and she will have to come to terms with that. Lastly, does she know how strongly you feel for this man? That you think you have fallen for him? Because if she does, and went ahead and told you she was after him too, then this is a classic 'competition for the same man' situation and that is no good.

Tell me how you go! I hope my post made some sense. I have to go to bed now it is late :( Wish me luck. I miss C so much, i saw him at a work lunch today and could barely stop talking and touching him the whole time, and then when he left he gave me this big, lingering hug and kissed me on the cheek about 50 times. Yet.. he tells me he is seeing this girl still... :([/QUOTE]

How long have you guys been broken up? Why are you still touching him and allowing him to kiss you when you know he doesnt want to fully be with you for whatever reasons? Just stop all of that... first off he will never know how much he misses you, if that is the case, if you are constantly showing him affection. What he is doing to you is extremely unfair.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I really feel for you sweetcucumber... I know exactly how you feel. [/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your reply ~Tyger~. I feel that I am heard seeing your reply. I feel so touch as well.

She told one of our common friends that she wanted to let go and forget about that guy. She does not want to spoil our friendship (me & her). This is because she realises that her feelings for him make her treats me bad. It is not worth at all. But I do not think she does what she says. She still go out with that guy without my knowledge (my other friend tell me that) and her attitude towards me is still the same (rude). Well, I do not think she knows I got such deep feeling for this guy though. Anyway, I did try to patch up with her. But I failed. I try to talk to her most of the time but she just does not want to bother me or perhaps she just nod or shook her head without even look at me. I feel so hurt. I am always well like by all the people around me ever since I am still so small. Everybody loves me so much. She is the only friend that treated me like this.....~sigh~ Is there anything wrong with me?
Oh sweety, its not your fault at all, there is nothing wrong with you! It sounds to me that you are a very likeable person, and you have made every effort to reconcile with this friend, and she seems to be backing off and wanting nothing to do with it all. That is her choice. Be sympathetic to her, but by all means, don't blame yourself because you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Perhaps she just needs a little time... try to contact her down the track a bit.

As for this guy, well, how long have you had these feelings for him, and does he even know? Would you lose anything by telling him? Perhaps you should give it a go, tell him you feel something for him and see what he says. Then at least you won't be wondering...
Guys-

What do you do to find someone if you don't often get out, don't live in an apartment complex, or just plain nervous around women? Don't know if personal sites are the answer or not.

wb
[QUOTE=whackedback]Guys-

What do you do to find someone if you don't often get out, don't live in an apartment complex, or just plain nervous around women? Don't know if personal sites are the answer or not.

wb[/QUOTE]

I don't know, but in my experience, if you REALLY want to meet someone and are internally ready, you will! It's not so much where you go, as long as you don't sit home all day. TAke chances. If you see a woman somewhere that seems interesting to you, look at her, show her your interest, say something. If she reciprocates, ask her out. The worst thing that can happen is if she says "no." But on the upside, she can say "yes" and be really happy to go out with you. And then take it from there. I fee like if I were a guy, I would be so damn successful with women!:D
Thanks for saying that its not my fault, Tyger. Yup, at the moment I think I just won't do anything or say anything to her anymore. After all she will be leaving the company very soon. I think by then, its even harder for me to do the patching. That is pretty sad for me. But still, I just let her has her time. Let her think it through.

The feeling for this guy is on and off for about half a year already. But lately I think I like him more and more. Especially when he cares so much for me. I do not think I can tell him I feel something for him though. He is a shy guy in certain way. I am afraid I would loose him as a good friend if I tell him so. That's complicated and confusing huh...
Being lonely is not so bad. What i am trying to say is that if you have a medical condition like a Cancer well then you are not lonely becouse their is some one what you can identify with and some times that person could be right next to you now ?. but the other thing i would like to say is that if you were to join a group like St John Ambulance by doing this you should find some one with the same interest as your self i hope this does help you.

you find taking up a sport like Golf and after the game you mite go back to the club and meat up with some one and hit it off you never know if you never - never go so what do you think ? All the best for the week end & i hope i have mad it better for you also have a Meary Cheremiss.

thank you
Greg'o

P/S huges & Kiss ?:)
Oh boy! The harder I am trying to forget about him, the more I think about him. Almost every now and then...
speaking of being single, we're having a christmas party/dinner/whatever next month and i'll likely be the only person going without a date..once again it hit me how clueless and inept i really am at meeting people..i'm thinking of not going but i just started working here and i like it and i really can't have everyone thinking i'm weird or something..:rolleyes: not that i'm unhappy being single, its just that i start thinking about how others percieve me. its an easy trap to fall into, :rolleyes: .
You should go to your xmas party because you like your job, and your coworkers, and you want to celebrate the season. Nobody is going to think you are strange for being there without a date. People are amazingly self-involved, and don't even notice what's going on with others for the most part. Just appreciate the day that you have and the opportunity to get to know new people, because those are the people that might open up new doors for you in terms of meeting someone.

Or, even better, you could accept the challenge, and make a concerted effort to find someone to accompany you. Maybe the deadline is a good thing- if you asked someone out every day until that party, the odds of someone saying yes are pretty high. It might sound weird, but it's the theory of hundreds. That is, the more you [sincerely] approach people, the more likely you will succeed.
Dammit... I have been alone for so long now... I have not been in a proper long-term relationship for coming on 2 years now... this is the time of my life when I'm meant to be meeting the most people, but I just can't bring myself to be with anyone...

It is making me more angry than anything else right now! My feelings for my ex are making me angry, too! We had lunch together before, and it was fine, but halfway through he just absolutely started pissing me off and I don't even know why... I don't think it was anything he did... just the fact that we were hanging out and having fun and yet he's got this other girlfriend who he doesn't even seem that into....

Its all so irritating! I wish I could get over him already! And I wish i could find someone better!
wow... i read the WHOLE thing... LoL...
figured since i put forth the monumental effort (yes... it was monumental... i'm a little slow... LoL), i'd chime in with my $0.02... :-)

there were a few observations / comments i wanted to make after reading this thread...

1st...
i think it's important for people to learn to distinguish between being "alone" and being "lonely"...
they don't necessarily have to go hand in hand...
i understand that many ARE genuinely alone and feeling lonely, and that's perfectly understandable, but i think it's important to know that you aren't necessarily doomed to be lonely just because you are alone...
make sense?

2nd...
some have mentioned basically defining their future happiness as depending on whether or not a particular person decides to love them...
you've described yourselves as being somehow "incomplete" without this person you're fixated with...
THAT'S codependency and is a pretty assured way to be continually miserable, unhappy, and unsatisfied... no way to live really...
i know how you feel...
i think one of the universal truths and commonalities among people is that we all want to be loved...
that's perfectly normal and understandable...
we lessen our capacities to BE loved when we define ourselves as "needing" to be loved in order to be complete...
those in the most successful and healthiest relationships (and there are no "perfect" relationships... everyone has their ups and downs and we ALL have to work on it from time to time) have all learned to love themselves FIRST, and understand that this is necessary before being able to truly love another...
it might sound trite and cliche, but that doesn't make it any less true...

i went from one relationship to another most of my life...
never really learned to just "BE" alone...
i mean... i've been alone in the past, but never learned to make the most of it and enjoy it and learn to just be with ME...
i finally did that after my last relationship...
in fact... spent 3 years alone...
learned to absolutely LOVE it...
sure i got lonely from time to time...
that's perfectly natural and i didn't beat myself up for it...
but i also learned that i don't "NEED" someone else to be happy...
sure i still "WANT" smoeone else in the long run, and don't "WANT" to be alone forever... but i got to the point where i knew i didn't "NEED" someone else... that i would still be OK if i went it alone in life...
even easier to do when you're surrounded by a great network of real and true friends who care about you and are there for you...
so i'm never really completely alone in that "hermit living in the mountains" sense... but i make sure to have plenty of time just with me...

i also sort of agree with the thinking that says you shouldn't be actively "looking" for someone all the time, but not necessarily for the same reasons as others have mentioned...
if you go out or put yourself in an environment with the priority and emphasis placed on having to meet someone, fall in love, etc., that puts a LOT of pressure on making that outing a success...
why not learn to go without putting that high a demand on what you want out of the evening, event, etc...
sure, we all would like to meet someone, but don't beat yourself up and refuse to enjoy yourself if you don't...

make the most of your time alone...
use the time to get into something you've always wanted to get into...

and how many of us are feeling this way because of the "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome...
how many times have you been in relationships (especially when you're fighting or going through a rough patch) when you've wished that you COULD be alone...

and i have a comment about the women who have decided that these exes, associates, etc., are "the ONE" for them...
i'm not trying to be unenthusiastic or rain on your parade, but if they have chosen not to be with you... they are most certainly NOT "the ONE"...
by definition, "the ONE" is someone that wants to love and be with you as much as you want to be with them...
can't be a one-sided affair...
the concept of "the ONE" is idealic so it should naturally include reciprocation...

and for the fellas complaining about not being able to meet women...
how many of you have REALLY put forth the effort and made yourself available?...
sure there are plenty who have...
i think it's important to always be yourself and be genuine...
that having been said, women are VERY perceptive and can pretty quickly pick up on whether or not your feeling insecure, uncomfortable, or have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, etc...
so if that's you (and that's ALL of us from time to time), try to improve your odds by learning to BE more comfortable in talking to new people...
start talking to men... women... whoever, just to learn how to be more social...
i've found the majority of people really enjoy and more readily take to someone who exudes a certain amount of self confidence while still being easy going... a good sense of humor will almost always work in your favor too...
laughter truly is the best medicine... even when it comes to breaking the ice... and be willing to laugh at yourself as well... don't try to be funny at someone else's expense...at least not exclusively... LoL...

well... that's my $0.02 on the subject...
i'd love to hear what some of you think about what i have to say...
even if it's just to say that i'm outta' my mind and i oughtta' re-think the way i think... LoL... :-)
[QUOTE=808Lion]and for the fellas complaining about not being able to meet women...
how many of you have REALLY put forth the effort and made yourself available?...
sure there are plenty who have...
i think it's important to always be yourself and be genuine...[/QUOTE]
i repeat myself too much on this forum, :D anyway, all that is well and good if the only SINGLE women i ever meet are on this forum. all they do is hide under their rocks. in all my years i've NEVER met someone anywhere randomly that was single..either that or they are lying.

having said that, i just started a new job and i work 8-10 hours a day and use transit on top of that so my after work activities are non existent right now especially with the snow and ice everywhere up here (and please don't tell me to talk to anyone on the train, they are NOT single nor are they interested in talking..i've tried already. it seems that people in the big city are just not that open or trusting just like that to agree to go out with you. they pretty much keep a straight face and drown themselves in their ipods).

[QUOTE=808Lion]i've found the majority of people really enjoy and more readily take to someone who exudes a certain amount of self confidence while still being easy going... a good sense of humor will almost always work in your favor too...
laughter truly is the best medicine... even when it comes to breaking the ice... and be willing to laugh at yourself as well... don't try to be funny at someone else's expense...at least not exclusively... LoL...[/QUOTE]
well i've found there is no logic with regards to who is attracted to who. we try to rationalize it by saying things like "confidence" or "not needy" or "sense of humour", etc..the fact is, we don't know why we're attracted to who we're attracted to. we just are. you can't plan it, even though i've tried and you can't make anyone like you. the girls that i've liked have been all different. there has just been something about them that i couldn't explain. it had nothing to do with attitude although a bad one would be a turnoff. i mean, do you honesty believe that only people with those qualities are in relationships?? there are tons of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships. its one of those things you can't explain...its about being in the right place at the right time.

i think i'm pretty much a lot of the things that women say they want (educated, unique, sense of humour, taller and somewhat better than average looking depending on who you ask :D, independent, have my own interests, etc.), and the few women that do get to know me see it. i make them laugh, i make them feel comfortable...they trust me..when i'm at da' club they want me to come rescue them from other guys even though they don't know me...i don't know how that works, :D but it just hasn't happened for me.

having said all of that, i'm happy now. i have my own place now, finally have a job i like. i don't feel any need for companionship but every now and then i feel like i should meet someone but i just don't have the energy for that. i have my own stuff going on and if i can somehow get back into my beloved competitive sport like i plan to, i'm going to be even more busy. no time to be sweating anyone.
I have to disagree here. A lot of men assume that a pretty, smart, independent and may I add confident and outgoing girl who puts herself out there and short of wearing or tatooing the words, "I'm single, unattached and available and I'd like to meet a nice man".

Men in general are just too afraid to approach women like me. A lot of men must feel they either can't measure up, I won't speak to them or give them any attention, or whatever else they may come up with a reason.

Oh, and BTW Lance, I wish I could meet you in person. You sound like an interesting man and I know we'd have a lot of fun. You're personality shines right through your posts and I wish we can meet in person. :D
[QUOTE=Lance0204]i repeat myself too much on this forum, :D anyway, all that is well and good if the only SINGLE women i ever meet are on this forum. all they do is hide under their rocks. [/QUOTE]

I think Lance might have a point. A lot of people are under their "rocks," in fact. I think that's where I am now! ;) Under my rock, being insanely busy, and in my free time sipping my wine and NOT dating anyone. Actually, I was just talking about that to a male friend today how much we both despise dating. I can't stand it, to be honest. I tried and I'm done with it. I don't want to date anymore. I just want to be friends with someone and then see how it goes. I hate disappointments and breakups, personally, and I'm not EVER going through another breakup, I decided. So I don't date. Maybe other people are the same way. I used to think one has to try and try until they succeed in love, but now I've changed my mind. I don't really want to try anymore. I think for me, I will just have to wake up one day and get marreid or something, but NO dating. Makes me want to puke.
[QUOTE]i mean, do you honesty believe that only people with those qualities are in relationships?? there are tons of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships. its one of those things you can't explain...its about being in the right place at the right time.[/QUOTE]

lol... uhhh... no, i don't think that ONLY people with those qualities are in relationships...
but my point was that i've observed that people with these qualities tend to find themselves with more opportunities to potentially end up in a relationship if that's what they want...

and i'm sure there are "tons" of insecure, not so attractive, overweight, short, uneducated, flawed people that are in relationships...
i never said there weren't, or that my suggestions were a "lock" and would guarantee success... but i definitely have seen the odds improve as a result...

i'll tell you why i think what i think...
i used to be the guy that was insecure... VERY shy... had a hard time establishing eye contact with a girl let alone trying to start a conversation with her... and guess what... as a result, i mostly ended up being frustrated, feeling lonely, and being generally unsuccessful with women...
over time that sort of changed...
i stopped beating myself up...
i started just "being me" and stopped caring about whether or not i impressed a girl... i became more confident... started to genuinely care about actually getting to know women (as opposed to just thinking someone's good looking enough to want to date), truly enjoy making people laugh... and have developed a kind of "see how things go" type attitude...
if we hit it off... great... if not... great...
my point being, i think women are VERY intelligent, intuitive, and perceptive for the most part and can pick up pretty quickly on if someone's putting on a "front" to try and impress them...
once i stopped caring about that (ironically), i started finding that there were a great deal more women interested in pursuing a conversation with me or getting to know me better...
i guess my point is that there's no "formula" for getting a girl's attention and sparking her interest enough to want to go out with you...
my point is that you HAVE to be genuine... and in being genuine, and letting the chips fall where they may, so to speak, you show that you are confident, secure in yourself, etc... and women respond to that...
if you're telling me a woman's going to pick the insecure guy over the secure guy in a lineup (lol)... well... he's welcome to her... i don't think i'd be interested in THAT woman anyway then...
and that's her right... but like i keep saying... no big deal...
i don't HAVE to be with someone right now... i can continue to be happy meeting all kinds of different people and seeing which ones i "click" with...

if i'm out of my mind, let's hear what some of the women have to say about my perceptions...
ladies?

just my $0.02... :-)

and "Stillsearching"... i noticed your post on another thread too which was similar to your comment here...
and i think most men ARE somewhat intimidated by an attractive, successful, and clearly "together" woman such as yourself...
and sure it makes meeting guys harder...
i hear good looking women all the time talk about how they wish more guys would approach them, not be so afraid to talk to them, etc...
but at the same time, the ones that ARE too scared to talk to them... well... they're probably not the type of guy that these women (women like you) want to end up with anyway...
wouldn't you rather get to know someone who ISN'T afraid to take a shot and try to connect with you?
yes... these types aren't the majority...
most of us are slobbering meatheads with the IQ's of handballs and the personalities of parking meters... but those worthwhile gems are out there and as long as you keep being you and continue to put yourself out there, i'm confident that you're bound to come across them...
but enjoy the "in the meantime" as well... :-)
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I hate disappointments and breakups, personally, and I'm not EVER going through another breakup, I decided. So I don't date. [/QUOTE]
i dunno..pretty much the only way to make sure you'll never go through that again is to never ever hook up again, :eek: because other people are unpredictable. even if you're married, there is still the 50% chance it won't last. i guess your only option is to create your own guy with "toots" stamped on him, :D
[QUOTE=Lance0204]i dunno..pretty much the only way to make sure you'll never go through that again is to never ever hook up again, :eek: because other people are unpredictable. even if you're married, there is still the 50% chance it won't last. i guess your only option is to create your own guy with "toots" stamped on him, :D[/QUOTE]

Haahaaa, the "Toots Frankenstein"--what a scary concept!:eek: :D You're right, it's absolutely silly, unrealistic, and not even desireable. There's so much more satisfaction in knowing someone CHOOSES to be with you because they want to; not because they've been sedated, have a chip with your name inserted into their brain, or otherwise mechanically altered:D
[QUOTE=808Lion]
and "Stillsearching"... i noticed your post on another thread too which was similar to your comment here...
and i think most men ARE somewhat intimidated by an attractive, successful, and clearly "together" woman such as yourself...
and sure it makes meeting guys harder...
i hear good looking women all the time talk about how they wish more guys would approach them, not be so afraid to talk to them, etc...
but at the same time, the ones that ARE too scared to talk to them... well... they're probably not the type of guy that these women (women like you) want to end up with anyway...
wouldn't you rather get to know someone who ISN'T afraid to take a shot and try to connect with you?
yes... these types aren't the majority...
most of us are slobbering meatheads with the IQ's of handballs and the personalities of parking meters... but those worthwhile gems are out there and as long as you keep being you and continue to put yourself out there, i'm confident that you're bound to come across them...
but enjoy the "in the meantime" as well... :-)[/QUOTE]

Hi 808Lion,

Thank you for your encouragement. :D

I was with this guy once, a long time ago and he was a VERY nice man. We met at the park where at the time, I often ate alone. I was new to the area and I often went there to eat my sandwich and watched people. This guy approached me and sparked up a conversation. We clicked. Our conversations were easy going, we laughed a lot and pretty soon, we were meeting at the park near our offices every day. He finally had the couraged to asked me out and I had such a wonderful time on our first date, I kissed him. We fell in love and life was good. I knew he wasn't the best looking guy out there. He was wasn't the best dressed, rich, he wasn't all of the things people look on the outside, but we laughed so much, we had a lot of similarities, we both liked the theatre, and he was one of the kindest man I'd ever met. When I introduced him to my family and friends, they instantly fell in love with him just like I did. They saw the man inside of him.

A year after we'd started dating, he told me that his work visa was expiring and that he needed to go back to his homeland to renew it. Then he'll be back again to be with me. He didn't asked me to marry him just so he can stay here in the USA, we both knew we'd be breaking the law even though a lot of people do it. He went back to his homeland and had a lot of trouble renewing his visa. My heart was broken. I went to see him, but his parents didn't approve of me because I'm not the woman they want for their son. His parents had a bride for him and with them pressuring him, he had no choice but to marry this woman. It's a cultural thing. Our hearts were broken and he emailed me to tell me how horrible his wedding day was because all he could think of was me. And we both said our good byes because he's married now. He has to respect his marriage and his wife.

That was about 9 years ago and I never heard from him since. I am not this woman who is looking for Ken (Barbie's significant other). I want a man who's more beautiful on the inside, than the outside. Because beauty doesn't last and what's inside a person is more important to me.

So, for the men out there, just one woman speaking here - talk to these women. A lot of them are frustrated and lonely and alone, like myself.

Thank you.
808L, I agree with you 100%. I used to be that person that made all the excuses- I never meet anyone, when I do they're attached, I'm too busy, and so on. As soon as I accepted responsibility, things started to change. I got bored with being a victim all the time. It gets old after a while. I hope that even those that are skeptical of what you say right now will at least think about it and consider how their lives could change if only they make the effort to change themselves.

Thanks for the optimism.
[QUOTE=808Lion]
if i'm out of my mind, let's hear what some of the women have to say about my perceptions...
ladies?

just my $0.02... :-)
[/QUOTE]

Dear 808Lion

No, you're not out of your mind. You speak mostly the truth about how men and women are not meeting out there.

You've pointed on a lot of issues and I myself find people outside the USA to be much friendlier than Americans. In Europe, most of the people i'd met were friendly and I felt they were much more open to start a conversation. In Asia, they were much more reserved, but once you start a conversation, they seem to go out of their way to continue what has started. Even the fast-paced Japanese are much more open to strangers.

From my observation and knowing and been to different places, I believe it's cultural. Here in the majority of USA, if you what you're saying anything about work, it's not worth saying. However, if it's broken down to States and cities, such as rural towns, life seem to be much slower and the folks much friendlier. But OH! boy the big cities, good luck! Most Americans live cities and most of the people near cities are living a fast paced life and they're allowing life pass them by.

Bars and clubs, IMHO, the chances of meeting "THE ONE" in these places are very slim. If you do, you're lucky. But I agree with you 808, a person have to put themselves out there and have the aura of being open to anything. Like you said, most people are receptive to what others are feeling.
[QUOTE=Stillsearching]Hi 808Lion,

Thank you for your encouragement. :D

I was with this guy once, a long time ago and he was a VERY nice man. We met at the park where at the time, I often ate alone. I was new to the area and I often went there to eat my sandwich and watched people. This guy approached me and sparked up a conversation. We clicked. Our conversations were easy going, we laughed a lot and pretty soon, we were meeting at the park near our offices every day. He finally had the couraged to asked me out and I had such a wonderful time on our first date, I kissed him. We fell in love and life was good. I knew he wasn't the best looking guy out there. He was wasn't the best dressed, rich, he wasn't all of the things people look on the outside, but we laughed so much, we had a lot of similarities, we both liked the theatre, and he was one of the kindest man I'd ever met. When I introduced him to my family and friends, they instantly fell in love with him just like I did. They saw the man inside of him.

A year after we'd started dating, he told me that his work visa was expiring and that he needed to go back to his homeland to renew it. Then he'll be back again to be with me. He didn't asked me to marry him just so he can stay here in the USA, we both knew we'd be breaking the law even though a lot of people do it. He went back to his homeland and had a lot of trouble renewing his visa. My heart was broken. I went to see him, but his parents didn't approve of me because I'm not the woman they want for their son. His parents had a bride for him and with them pressuring him, he had no choice but to marry this woman. It's a cultural thing. Our hearts were broken and he emailed me to tell me how horrible his wedding day was because all he could think of was me. And we both said our good byes because he's married now. He has to respect his marriage and his wife.

That was about 9 years ago and I never heard from him since. I am not this woman who is looking for Ken (Barbie's significant other). I want a man who's more beautiful on the inside, than the outside. Because beauty doesn't last and what's inside a person is more important to me.

So, for the men out there, just one woman speaking here - talk to these women. A lot of them are frustrated and lonely and alone, like myself.

Thank you.[/QUOTE]

wow that's TERRIBLE!!!
what a heartbreaking story...
i feel REALLY bad for you...
sheesh...
that'd sour me pretty good...
good for you for keeping your chin up...
and i think you're on the right track in regards to what's important to you...
at least, that's how i feel...
VERY important to be able to laugh together...
i'm not gonna' lie and say that "looks don't count for me", because i'm not altruistic enough to be able to completely look past that and still think there needs to be some kind of physical "chemistry" as well... but even WITH the physical chemistry, there DEFINITELY needs to be the propensity to laugh together...
i guess you could say that's JUST as important to me as everything else...


bulletproof...
thank YOU for the kind words...
and i'm glad to hear you remain optimistic...
i've played the "victim" way too many times in my life as well...
in fact... even going through a VERY rough spot with my current gf and starting to wonder if we're going to make it through this one, but i'm trying not to get sucked into playing the "victim" role...
besides... she's WAY better at it then i am... lol...


Fabat40...
i've also noticed that on the small level that i've been exposed to europeans, asians, etc...
actually, i was born in japan, but moved to guam before i was even a year old, and then to hawaii when i was 8...
just moved back to hawaii a few years ago after living and working in l.a. for 8 years...
point being i've been lucky enough to be exposed to some different cultures and i think you have a very valid point...


thanks all for taking the time to chime in with your comments regarding my thoughts...
makes it worth the effort (monumental as it was since i'm not that bright and can't type as fast as i'd like... lol)... :-)
[QUOTE=Fabat40]
From my observation and knowing and been to different places, I believe it's cultural. Here in the majority of USA, if you what you're saying anything about work, it's not worth saying. However, if it's broken down to States and cities, such as rural towns, life seem to be much slower and the folks much friendlier. But OH! boy the big cities, good luck! Most Americans live cities and most of the people near cities are living a fast paced life and they're allowing life pass them by.
.[/QUOTE]

I would have to agree with Fabat here; that's my observation as well. It seems quite easy to meet people in Europe and other places, compared to the U.S. It must be cultural. I have to say 99% of men who ever approached me while out in a social setting, a cafe, in a park, etc. were not American. It's just not something that American men seem comfortable doing. My cousin who lives in Europe met her fiance on the street. He asked her for directions and the rest was history lol. So many people seem to have a lot of preconceived notions about "proper" and "not proper" places to meet others, but I find these rules to be very limiting. In the end, everybody ends up alone and complaining.
Wow, Lion, I really liked your initial post.. it was inspiring, and very well articulated... thankyou. Yes I'm the one 'pining for my ex' I suppose, but it is not all a big damaging endeavour... you see he is very alone in his life right now, trying to pursue a relationship that his family encouraged him to with a woman he is not awfully fond of, and although we can't be together because of those family issues, I want to be there as his friend, because he needs that support right now, and I care enough for him that I accept friendship and feel lucky for it, despite that inner wish for something more. I am not holding out that much hope now, however.

I also agree with those who said that men do not approach attractive women. I am only 22 now, but when I was younger I got my first taste of this, as often men would stare or wolf-whistle, and I wondered why they had to act so crude, and would not just approach me and talk to me. These days I am a little older and wiser, and have had quite a few men in my life, but none that I have ever loved except my ex. I have attempted to move past this by seeing new men, meeting new people... but often men feel intimidated by my looks and I even find myself "dumbing down" my intellect because I think that adds to the intimidation. The only ones that will outright approach me are the extremely good-looking ones, and from experience, they are as thick as goal-posts and absolutely self-obsessed, and just want me as the trophy-type girlfriend and nothing more. It makes me feel more alone than ever.

Its funny, because so many of my friends, and even just aquaintences who know both myself and my ex, have said to me so many times... "I don't know why you were with him, or why you still think about him... you are so gorgeous, its baffling how he even got you in the first place! You could do so much better!" If only they knew. Because what he didn't have in good-looks (hey, I thought he was cute), he made up for in how sincere, and funny, and beautiful he was inside. And how wonderfully we connected. That is worth more than all the chiselled abs and rock-hard butts in the world!

Stillsearching - your story really touched me, because I too lost my love because of troubles with family values, and he is now trying to pursue something with a woman of their choice, and he feels isolated and alone, and I know he misses the good aspects of how we were. We were so passionate and inseperable, and could make eachother laugh so much, and were so compatible both mentally and physically it was insane. It is clear we still are. It is extremely difficult to find that connection now, with anyone, for me.

I also thought what you said about the guys with 'beauty on the inside' is just wonderful, and so true. My ex was not at all the most good-looking, or even intellectually intelligent, or accomplished, or rich... but we connected so wonderfully, and shared so much fun and joy together that it was perfect. And thats what I want to find now, with all my heart; I really don't care for looks and all that... the physical attraction for me often follows a more inner connection.

SophiaM, I am with you! I hate dating! It is awful. I try, but always end up feeling empty and bored, often having to end it, or just stop seeing them, and I never really feel that loved because I can never bring myself to love them. The best relationships I've had have started from friendship. That is definately my strategy now. I will develop friendships and see if I feel anything more, so I don't have that pressure to instantaneously 'fall in love' and be attracted, like on a date. The only 2 people in the world I'd pursue, given the chance, are men I've known for years.

I am done with dating. It always leaves me feeling worse. I'm starting to doubt I'll ever find that connection I'm looking for.
Im definitely feeling down lately too. I had JUST gotten to have the attitude of "I dont care if I find a guy, Im happy and fulfilled regardless, so Im not even looking". And I MEANT it. Then, lo and behold, I meet a guy out in a very atypical way, he turned out to be what I think to be special even though I only went out with him a few times, and now he just broke the news to me that hes going abroad for 6-8 months so he cut things off before they developed any further. Totally sucks.
I dont want to base my moods on men, especially b/c I know for sure that they arent walking around thinking about us all the time and lamenting on how things arent working out. But I cant help it with this situation...it took me so long to even want to date, nonetheless find a guy that I found worthy enough to date...and then this guy comes along, I start getting hooked, and then boom. Hes gone, and it doesnt even have anything to do with our compatibility.
So I just found out 2 nights ago, Im still definitely a little bummed and Im starting to get pissed at myself that Im obsessing over this. But I just feel so lonely! I was starting to get excited about dating this guy, I had those little anticipatory feelings of seeing him again, what I would wear, what I would learn about him next and what he'd learn about me...and then its just completely cut-off. I live alone, and I love it the majority of the time b/c I like to be independent and I dont like being obliged into social situations (even though Im pretty outgoing). But when I get down in these moods, I just find myself SO LONELY. I come home from work, sometimes from 12 hour days if I have class right after, and clearly I cant do anything. But Im getting so tired of sitting around in my apt. every night, doing the same old thing...sure, I know Im supposed to find things that are 'fulfilling' to do on my own. But, doing this every day of the week...I dont know. It gets old! I miss someone being in my bed, cuddling with me, and I miss looking forward to things. I definitely have a ton to look forward to with my friends and my weekends, but I dont know...a guy that you really like can fulfill you differently. And I just started getting a glimpse of what that was like again after SUCH a hard breakup, and...thats that.
Sorry for venting and I know I already have a thread that is mainly about this...but I am just feeling really cruddy these past few days. My mother keeps telling me, you're 24, these are the best times of your life, enjoy being single and having no responsibliities. And I do. And I definitely dont like thinking that I am one of those girls that sits around, pouting about her lack of a love life and feeling all pathetic. B/c I know Im not. I just cant help feeling this way! I wish I didnt look at things with such a...romantic perspective. As direct, blunt, laid-back and social as I am, I still have a very sensitive side to me, especially when it comes to relationshps. I wish I could look at things more logically rather than going with my emotions. My dad has depression too, and sometimes I think I must have inherited some of those genes, b/c I can really get depressed sometimes anywhere from a few days to a week or so...and all I do is sit around, mope and obsess over whatever is getting me down.
Again, sorry for venting, but I am feeling extra lonely tonight so I thought Id post here...would love to hear your thoughts.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]I am done with dating. It always leaves me feeling worse. I'm starting to doubt I'll ever find that connection I'm looking for.[/QUOTE]

I know what you mean, Tyger. I only feel this connection with one man, also my ex, and despite having gone on a number of dates over the years, I still haven't found it with any other man. There were some that I liked, but still something was missing. Well, it's not something that can be forced. I figure I'll either meet someone else one day and it will just happen naturally, or I'll get back with him, or..I don't know. I don't want to "date" and be in a relationship just for the sake of having a man, any man, to fill the role of a boyfriend. I want to be in a great relationship with lots of love and special connection, and that's the only thing that will do.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]Wow, Lion, I really liked your initial post.. it was inspiring, and very well articulated... thankyou. Yes I'm the one 'pining for my ex' I suppose, but it is not all a big damaging endeavour... you see he is very alone in his life right now, trying to pursue a relationship that his family encouraged him to with a woman he is not awfully fond of, and although we can't be together because of those family issues, I want to be there as his friend, because he needs that support right now, and I care enough for him that I accept friendship and feel lucky for it, despite that inner wish for something more. I am not holding out that much hope now, however...[/QUOTE]

thanks for the kind words...
hey i'm not telling you (or anyone for that matter i hope) what you "should" do...
i don't always know right from wrong myself...
i guess if anything, i just hope i can get people to try and think about things a different way once in awhile...
ultimately, you're the best judge of your situation...
if you think it's healthy or is the right thing for you, then more power to ya'...

i don't always consider myself the brightest bulb in the bunch... lol... so i try to keep my philosophies about life pretty simple...
one of the things i've come to believe (and i may very well be wrong... lol) is...
"i don't always have control over the things that happen to me... but i DO have at least [I]some[/I] control over how i react to them..."

for what it's worth... :-)
I ended up staying in tonight and I read your post earlier so I had to respond. :)

So yeah, we should talk!! How funny, you do sound extremely similar to me.

Well, I too consider myself a social-butterfly. I have a lot of amazing, intelligent and caring friends. I am satisfied with my social life, especially it is so much more fulfilling now that I am single. I also consider myself to be very attractive (I am exotic-looking too! How funny. Except Im a white girl, but people never think so, haha.) I meet lots of guys but it is VERY difficult to meet guys that a) arent after just one thing, b) act like they are after MORE than just one thing, and then you realize they're not (possibly after you've given them that one thing, and c) quality and worthy of being serious with.
That is where I struggle! I also tend to be very direct, and honest, and I have a lot of interests and can keep myself busy. I am a very big thinker and just as big of a talker. I have to express myself. But I have this side of me that is just incredibly romantic, deep, and maybe even fantasy-filled...which is where things like romance, etc. can affect me much more deeply than others. It sounds great but I tend to get hurt a lot more deeply than others. I tend to find the beauty in so many things in life (I cant tear myself away from watching babies and their moms, or older couples holding hands). I just have this very deep, intense side of me, and I think I feel things very strongly and therefore live on my emotions. Which again, sounds great, but its not when a lot of people don't have this quality! I also can be VERY altruistic...while Im a laid-back person, if I really care about someone I am very giving. Which can really backfire on me sometimes.

So with all that said, I think when I wrote that last post it was one of my lower points, mood-wise. It is so frustrating that I finally got to this point that I thought was The Impossible: finding someone who I felt I could get serious with. I always thought I would have issues with that, or just wouldnt ever find anyone to compare to my ex (who is an a-hole anyway and shouldnt be a standard, but still). But I did. And then he is suddenly having to go out of the country for 6 months! It just really got to me. And I get mopey and wallow in my misery and write on these boards.

But, I do think there is a lot of truth in the phrase "life is what you make of it". Ever since my breakup when I was in so much pain, I took a very proactive role with my life. I was going to cultivate my friendships. I was going to remain busy and satisfied as much as possible. I was going to try not to be so hard on myself (which I am, all the time), and I was going to put less emphasis on men. I have a lot of activities I am intersted in, and part of me knows I should be using this 'single time' of my 20s to really just enjoy myself and do everything I want to do. It would be a lot easier if I had the money, ha. But in a way its very true. I dont want to just sit around whining about how I am single. Today for instance, I woke up, made my tea and breakfast, and realized, I DONT HAVe ANY PLANS! For the first time in a month. I typically give myself a lot of down-time during my week and weekends, but usually I always have options of doing things. So, I began to sit and mope about how I didnt have anything to do, I wish i wasnt single, blah blah. Then, I got up, got dressed up, and went to the MOMA by myself (the museum of modern art here in NYC). And I had a blast! I do like doing things alone, and I just realized- why am I not doing things alone more often, instead of sitting in my apt feeling limited?

I cant say that I wonder what I did before I met my ex. My life doesnt change that much when I am in a relationship. I dont spend my time necessarily differently, its just that I spend my time wth someone else rather than alone.
I also cant say that I miss having a boyfriend all the time. I do enjoy my own time to do all the things I mentioned above (the proactive-ness). However, a lot of the time it jsut feels forced! And I think that, when I get down about this stuff, it is b/c I am lacking balance. What I have realized that i do want is to be able to find a guy that enjoys the same books, movies, food, culture and perspectives that I do, and then be able to stay in, chill, and just hang out while feeling like i am still being productive with my life. Because, as much as I can stay in at any point in time with my friends, we'd do something like watch Americas Next Top Model or something, hahaha. And my friends are extremely intelligent, its not like we have to watch bad TV. Its just that they fulfill a different part of me- I cant really stay in with my friends in candlelight talking about my dreams, my fears, etc. And I miss that deep, introspective, intense and loving side of me that is brought out with
a romantic partner. I like the challenge of learning about myself due to other people's influences. It can get old sitting around all day with only my own thoughts to think about (does that make sense?) During the week it is only work, gym, class, and relax. And the weekends is bars/lounges, movies, shopping, dinners, drinks, etc. etc. with my friends. And my friends can challenge me, on a lower-level. But I miss that part of my life that is just deeper and emotional.
So as much as I dont want to say that something is 'missing' in my life, mainly because I dont want a guy to have to complete me or make me 'better', I feel unbalanced. I feel that a very large part of my personality is not brought out often. I miss being alone and noticing something and wanting to point it out to someone that will completely understand. Again, I can do that with my friends, but it is different. Its just not the same connection. Its hard to explain.

With this one-month long guy, it had been so long and such a healing process that I felt that I could never be the same again or find someone that would make me want to get serious again. But, amazingly I found someone that really captured my attention in only a week or two...and now thats done with. Its so disappointing, but I think what bothers me the most is that I felt a certain side of me coming out again. And I felt a balance- we could sit in, hang out, cook dinner and chill, but talk in-depth and learn from each other. And now that I got a glimpse of what that is like, and I remember it, and now that its gone, it really threw me for a loop. Im trying to be logical about it, but that fantasy-world that I can live in sometimes wishes that he would just wake up, realize he does want to get me to know me better regardless of the fact that hes moving for awhile, and we'd continue on as was. Sigh.

My mom said that even if you do end up in a long-term relationship, you can still be very lonely. And I believe her. And I try to keep that in mind. I also try to keep in mind the fact that half of marriages end in this day and age. So I really want to live my life being happy on my own and not in need of anyone else. But its difficult. Being such a deep and loving person, I just feel life is passing me by and I am not given opportunities to really, really live and love and be my full self.
So I dont know if this makes any sense. I really do love being alone and living alone, but I think that there are definite drawbacks to that. I dont know if anything that I wrote resonates with you, but Im glad that you seem to see eye-to-eye with a lot of what I said. Feel free to talk about how you feel, Im sure I will understand.
Hi again Citygirl! I'm really glad you replied. I have to start by saying you sound like [i]such[/i] a fantastic person. You seem really centered, and mature, and so self-motivated it is enviable! Your post was really inspiring to me, which I needed tonight, after one of my particularly low moods (that I am still in, so forgive me if this post becomes a bit depressing at any point..) See, tonight I was coming back from this guy's house who I have previously had a semi-relationship with before.. now we are close friends. I had a great time, watching tv, talking, drinking wine... but then I felt a little claustrophobic and left for the night, and while driving home, I found myself intensely miserable again. So many great people out there... but none of them are the one I want. And the one I want I can't have.

I wish there were more people like you in my city (I'm in Melbourne, Australia, so a long way from you!). I too am surrounded by terrific friends, and am the kind of person that thrives off human interaction - talking and thinking and trying to work out how other people tick... So I find that I recieve something different from each of my friends. They are all intelligent girls, my age (22-23), and I just live for the laughter and fun that goes along with each of them. I have always been the kind of person to have a few 'best friends' - I do not so much hang out in groups, but see a different friend on different days and share different conversations and perspectives with each.

But something is lacking... and perhaps you are luckier in this sense ... what you wrote suggests that your friends are very much on your mental level, and intelligent and mature, and share similar perspectives as you. Well - I share countless similarities with these friends in terms of interests - but I find it very difficult to be completely honest with them about my feelings deep inside. You see, I am the 'guru' of the bunch - the one that they come to when they feel depressed, or something is wrong, or they need advice... and each of them is so close to me that they feel that they, exclusively, are my 'closest' or 'best' friend. But coming from my perspective, I can't say who is... because... well... I find it hard to be completely open with all of them. So I dispense advice, and sympathy, and I am a good listener and talker. But when it comes to me... well... I think perhaps I am scared to reveal these flaws and insecurities, or something like that? I'm not sure they'd be able to help either.. they have not had the life experiences I have, yet. I have always been very mature for my age (although i do act like an immature nut now and then for the sake of fun! which is important!) and they all have younger mentalities, and go for guys just out of teenager-dom, so it is hard to explain to them how I feel.

I keep my personal issues very close to my heart. So that is why I often need an outlet like these boards. It helps alot, and even writing this now is helping. Because my issues all surround this ex of mine, and perhaps not him specifically - it is just embodied by him in a way, because I am missing that one thing that I really want ... which is a long-term, serious, intense relationship. I miss it so much, and like you, I feel like I am unable to reveal these intimate parts of me that I cannot express to my friends, and I am missing out. I am up and down about it aswell, which seems similar to you - when I am busy, I think of it all less, and usually I am surrounded by others so I hardly have time to immerse myself in my own thoughts, and instead bury myself in their lives - ask questions, get them talking, have deep conversations about anything and everything. But then I get home, and I am by myself, and like you said, it can make you a little insane, only having your own thoughts to 'think about'. Unfortunately, most of my own thoughts are not all that positive. I always obsess about that which I don't have. And seeing as I'm a die-hard romantic.. that one 'thing' is perhaps the thing that is most important to me... and so everything else becomes a bit irrelevant.

My aim is to be more self-motivated, as you are. To get myself involved in as much as I can. I know what you mean about lacking the money! :dizzy: I study full-time, and work as a martial arts instructor (where I also train a few times weekly), as well as the gym, and I moved out just this year... so I guess there is alot I have achieved. But often that is clouded by the fact that I have noone to share that with. My ex is pursuing relationships with others as he is keen to settle down (whether he is 'happy' or not is another matter entirely). He is a beautiful man, and treats me very kindly, but it is difficult for me to watch him getting ready for marriage, when I feel so behind, without even an eligible man in sight.

You are dead right with the guy theory. So many are after one thing, or not looking for a serious relationship, or simply do not connect with me and just end up being infatuated and becoming a little obsessed with me. I am all for some fun with men, but casual relationships have always ended up with me bailing because the disinterest has grown overwhelming for me. They never measure up to my ex, and that is worse. Whenever I go out, I always seem to find myself swamped by younger men too - and seeing as my ex was 7 years older than myself, I'm looking for a more mature guy, say 26-28ish, but they are hard to come by! Perhaps I am looking in the wrong place, but I've always thought that going out 'looking' for a man is not quite right. He will appear for me one day. See, that is the romantic side of me coming out again! But maybe... just maybe.. we're wasting all our time caught up in these fantasies? Maybe its never going to be the fairytale we think it is?

[QUOTE=citygirl23]But its difficult. Being such a deep and loving person, I just feel life is passing me by and I am not given opportunities to really, really live and love and be my full self.[/QUOTE]

This part of your post really grabbed my attention. This is PRECISELY how I feel. It is a sad irony that I am so picky with men and so determined to find someone I truly connect with as I did my ex, and yet I have this chronic feeling that life is passing me by, and these are my prime years when I should be cuddled up with someone special, engaging in all the deep feelings and passions that go along with it. Perhaps that is a damaging way to think, but I have always felt like I need to be proactive and make the most of my time - and doing so alone, when I am young and have all this opportunity... well it gives me a sinking feeling in my chest. Am I wasting it all? Yet I still cannot bring myself to 'settle' for these men that I don't love even remotely... it almost makes me feel lonlier.

Well, sorry for the long post, and I hope that you will write back and comment. I'd like to hear what other things you do and what you're involved in. Also, do you see your ex anymore? And what has been the longest relationship you've had in the past? How long have you been single? Its been about a year for me now... well 2 if you don't count the various small, failed semi-relationships I've had in between...
Hi again! I am just now reading through some of your old posts to get an idea of your history, and will post soon. Can you believe it... we are even ON THE SAME BIRTH CONTROL PILL. Yasmin. How weird is that!?
Hey cg, just posted in your other new thread. So its one year later. And how is the process going for you? I know you must still think about him often, and compare others to him, and how good the 'good' parts of your relationship were. Have you been in contact with him at all since the breakup?

You are lucky in the sense that you found someone else you really enjoyed being with.. just recently. I know he has moved now. That is difficult. But I suppose now you can look at it as a good thing - you found someone that you truly liked, and you know there are more out there! I am yet to find a 'proper' someone that I am totally in to. I mean there is one other... but we have a good friendship and he is in a relationship at present so I'm not about to go there.

I am thinking of having a break from men full-stop for a bit. You know, clean out the system a bit. Focus on myself. I'm not sure I've done that properly yet. My head is too fogged with thinking of men and the past ones and who the next one might be. I need to focus on my hobbies instead perhaps. Any suggestions? My motivation has been a little lacking lately. What do you enjoy doing? What do you do in your free time? Are your friends all in relationships, or single too? Do you see your family often?

Take care bella :)
Hi, I can relate. I'm in the same boat myself but as time goes by, not that it gets easier but kinda get use to it. I know it's not much help but it's all I have. I really hope you find your happiness soon and I will save my next wish for you. Keep your chin up and it'll happen for both of us eventually. Levison
Tyger and Levison,
Sadly, I think motivation is really what makes you heal faster from a breakup. It can seem really false, forced and like you are 'putting on a show'. It was really hard for me because I am very open with how I feel, and therefore if I felt like cra* I acted like it.
It is also easy to sit and mope, wallow, and assume that nothing will ever change. I have been there OH so many times. Still go there sometimes. :) But the truth is, if you believe you will never find anyone better than your ex, you won't. Again, it sounds false, it maybe it might not ever happen, but you have got to tell yourself that that is what you deserve. Otherwise you will be stuck without making progress. But I'll stop preaching because it isn't easy to convince yourself that you are 'OK' and I have a ton of weak moments too, haha.
Tyger, all of my friends are different, haha. Well, my close ones anyway. I have one going through a divorce, with 2 little girls, one going through a rough breakup, two who are in long-term relationships, one who seemingly has the most perfect marriage in the world (I wonder), and then a bunch of best friends who are even more single than I am (aka, havent had many lt relationships and dont date often). So it varies. We all complain though. Relationships are NOT easy, no matter if you're in one or not. That is what I am learning! Im figuring out that a relationship with the 'love of my life' will not be my salvation. So Im trying to give myself the skills now to be able to happy the rest of my life, whether I am single or not. We'll see! Haha.
My family lives 4.5 hours away from me...Im pretty close to my mom as of recently (we talk almost every day) but I havent always been. And my dad and I had problems when I was growing up (I blame a lot of my relationship problems on him, haha). But theyre better now. They really helped me a lot through my breakup, and when I get really lonely or want to cry I call my mom. She listens no matter what...typically. ;)
And for fun, lately Ive been reading a lot, and really working on my Spanish bilingualism, which can take up a lot of time and mental energy. I also chat on here to you guys and to my other friends that I havent seen in years that I am tracking down through the internet. And, when I have more money, I will be looking into art classes, dance classes (I want to improve my salsa :) and I used to be a major dancer), and I wouldnt mind learning another language, like Arabic or French. These are just a few of the things I enjoy. I LOVE watching movies too, and reading everything in site, and working out, or hanging out around the city. There is so much to do that sometimes I think I get so fixated on loneliness that I just accept it and dont try to change it. But I just made a huge list of everything I want to do...so why dont I when I get depressed? Its beyond me.
Anyway, I hope you're doing well, and feeling better about things...?
Yep, motivation would be the key to moving on, I'd say. I think for me, its not that I lack motivation... more like I lack CONSISTENCY with it. I have alot of depressed episodes... not so bad that I'm a wreck, but more like down-time when I just can't see the point in doing much, and I lose sight of the things I DO have in my life. I stop appreciating things. I think its because, even though i have so much in life, I am such a romantic, passionate person, that its like the ONE thing that I'm missing is the most important of all... and i could really do without the rest of it if I just had that one thing. Maybe thats not a healthy outlook... but I thrive on intimate relationships. Luckily I am picky and not about to look for one in every weirdo that crosses my path. But oh... I miss it so much.

I am also a very physically intimate person, I love hugging and kissing and... well... the rest ;) I really enjoy the physical passion of relationships... so much that sometimes it is a bit overwhelming when i do not have that special someone to have sex with... I crave it a little, that touch and passion... I know that might sound bad... but its not just 'sex with anyone', so I am not easy or anything. I have too much self-respect for that. And besides, I do not enjoy sex with someone I am not very emotionally involved with. But it is the lack of that 'can't get enough of you' passionate kind of sex that makes being single the HARDEST.

This is going to be a long summer holidays without someone to share it with. I hope I can distract myself with other things to keep my mind off it all. Any ideas?
I know how you feel. The holidays can be lonely sometimes, especially because I am one of those chipper, annoying holiday-loving people that bounds around with tinsel around my neck trying to feed everybody. So when I feel that I am so happy, yet still lonely at the same time, it is bittersweet. Although, anything is better than last year. My ex was still pulling the "I dont know where we stand or if things are over" crap...all throughout Dec. Which was also accompanied by completely ignoring me. Nice combination, huh. I think I burst out in tears at the Thanksgiving dinner table at least twice...I prob. ruined the holiday for everyone. So as long as Im past that, I will enjoy it this year!!

Well anyway, I also know what you mean about the 'episodes' that you get where u lose all motivation. Oh how I have been there, girl. You can even tell through my past posts...one minute I'll be posting all about how I'm 'over it', and then next minute Im crying or depressed. It happens. But I really think that there is a lot to be said about really focusing on the good stuff and making sure that you are happy just being you. Ive been working on it all year, and I think I might actually be there, but its just really easy to forget that when you have a great guy in your life. So not only should you work on getting to the point where you all content all alone, but you should also make sure that you can STAY content on your own even when in a relationship, and that you dont wrap yourself up in the other person (as I learned the hard way).

Anyway, yeah...the lack of physical intimacy does suck. I know what you're saying about wanting that, but not really liking it with just anyone. I can't say that I don't enjoy it with just whoever, because I enjoy it no matter what, ;) haha but lately Im over the 'rebounding phase' so Im back to my normal self where I am waiting for the right person who deserves me :) I did have a friends with benefits thing for 4 months, b/c it filled the gap, but after that I really advise people against it...its just too much messing with the mind for me. So yeah...I definitely miss that SO MUCH too. Sigh. Plus, no matter how much I may try, I just cant sleep with someone continuously without getting attached (which isn't necessarily a bad thing!).

But as far as getting through the holidays, its really all about attitude and putting on a happy face. And just enjoying the holidays and what they're about (which, in my opinion, is really just good spirit and family). Try to take up some things that can distract how lonely you might feel. Last year when I was a psychological disaster, I made sure I was helping to cook, entertaining my grandparents, doign things that made me feel good about myself...you can even do something like volunteer, I know lots of places need volunteer work around the holidays, for people without homes and families, etc. THat could give you that boost that will make you think, "Wow. Im great. Men would be crazy if they didnt want to date me". I try to do something self-affirming quite often, actually...it helps with that feeling of being OK on your own. Which helps reduce loneliness. Also, try to catch up with your family...reminisce, look at old photos...things like this can really put your life into perspective.
Well anyway, I dont know if any of this will help. But I am always making the mistake of being too hard on myself for my sad moods, self-blame and loneliness, but sometimes its just human to feel that way. :p
Hi glamorgal,
I saw a few good ideas already, but have you considered a couple dating services? I'm betting you could find one that meets your tastes. Even if you don't meet the man of your dreams, on it, you would be getting out socially where you might run into Mr. Right
Hey glamorgal.

2 weeks ago I got separated from my girlfriend.
It was a 3 years' relatinship but we came to an end
finally. I let her go... I am in real depressive mood since then.
I would feel nice to help a miracle occur in your
life which destroys the evil loneliness. I also
feel tired of being lonely but I never think giving up.
Last week I started talking to God and praying because
I feel the lack of God's friendship in my life. I need
God's help because God created the life and hardships
around me which is sometimes very hard for me to deal with.

hugs...:) :wave:
Hi everyone,

Well, as of yesterday I have finished exams, which means a long summer/x-mas holiday of 4 months that will no doubt be filled with a whole lot of... nothing. I'm definately going to have to keep myself busy. My part-time job (instructing) stops over the christmas and new years period, and study does not begin again until March. I'm happy that I have no commitments to stress me as much now, but I think I'm also anxious because that will be a long 4 months without a man in my life.. its always harder over holidays.

Silentman, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup... you are in the tough stage now, and you sound to me as if you have faith in your recovery, which shows you have the strength to get through this probably a lot faster than I did. I know how hard it is after being with somebody for so long. Your entire life literally has to change, to accommodate the fact that there is now a big, empty void in it. But everyone here, especially Citygirl, has had great ideas for how to keep busy and help yourself to 'move on'.

I feel a little as if I'm eternally stuck in a rut. Its strange, because just before I was having coffee with my close girlfriend, and she said to me "oh, you're so lucky, everyone is after you... you have men calling you every day...and yet you don't lower yourself to any of them. You must be so centred right now." It was so strange to hear an opinion from the outside perspective. Because to me, I feel the least centred I have ever felt in my entire life, and these men are not really doing what they should be - boosting my self-esteem. Instead, they annoy me, and are not a speck on my ex. It is such a shame. I think I truly got one of the best ones there is, and now... well... I don't know there's any more of that mould out there!

The online dating sites idea is an interesting one. Has anyone here tried that? How did it go? I think I have a bit of a mental block about it.. it seems a little... forced and unnatural. But I [i]have[/i] met a man through a site once before... not a dating site though, and we ended up dating 3 months at the beginning of the year - but it wasnt that great and I ended it. I'm really having trouble even FINDING good men these days... probably because I'm so picky. Where is a good place to meet a man?
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]The online dating sites idea is an interesting one. Has anyone here tried that? How did it go? I think I have a bit of a mental block about it.. it seems a little... forced and unnatural. But I [i]have[/i] met a man through a site once before... not a dating site though, and we ended up dating 3 months at the beginning of the year - but it wasnt that great and I ended it. I'm really having trouble even FINDING good men these days... probably because I'm so picky. Where is a good place to meet a man?[/QUOTE]
there are tons of threads on online dating and you'll get a lot of opinions. it seems as if it either works really well or it doesn't; a lot of times, people will respond to you then disappear off the face off the earth. i personally hate it...it does seem forced and contrived but what other options are there?? there's only a 7.5% chance of meeting a single person randomly (i did the math :D, still don't know why people insist on this method).

i usually hit it off well with them women but once we meet, everything goes down hill from there, :rolleyes: right now i'm talking to two women so i'll see
how it goes...:rolleyes: one looks promising but you never know. i really don't know what women are expecting.

as far as meeting men, your best bet would be sports/activities. in my experience, most women don't get involved in anything so i really don't know how you've actually been meeting anyone, :D. then there's bars and clubs. most women, for some reason, think that no good men go to clubs but that's not the case (i went, ;) ). i personally don't like this method anymore since..well....only the female "players" seem to go there looking for sex, :D .
[QUOTE=Lance0204] then there's bars and clubs. most women, for some reason, think that no good men go to clubs but that's not the case (i went, ;) ). i personally don't like this method anymore since..well....only the female "players" seem to go there looking for sex, :D .[/QUOTE]

Thats so funny because thats what I say about GUYS! That is one of my 'reasons' for not liking bars/clubs to meet people at...but the funny thing is, thats typically the only place I meet them. My career is very female-dominant (Im a psychologist) and I work in an elementary school, so the few men that ARE there that may be of interest, well...I never see them b/c theyre up in a classroom all day. During the weekend, when I do get out there and do things, I dont get approached. Instead, guys just stare, or smile, but then don't do a thing. And I typically approach guys, and as much as I don't mind, Im getting tired of it. But I just find it funny that we always turn it around on the other sex- women assume 'men don't know what they want', or 'all men are ______ (choice negative description here)', whereas men say the same thing about women ('oh women at bars are all players who just want sex, etc.'). Maybe we need to all just stop generalizing! Im guilty of the same thing, and its hard when we feel bitter or lonely or confused about what people want...but I am a wonderful person and I go to bars, have sex, get confused with what I want, and I still think I'm a catch! :)

Anyway, Im sorry Tyger that you have this long vacation now to worry about. I definitely misunderstood you- I forgot you are in Australia, so I was just giving ideas for a short holiday break like we have here. :) As far as a whole 4-month long break, I can see why you are upset about it. But I think the right attitude would be to be excited about having all the time in the world to really find out what you want. Again, it may sound forced, but ive been in this position a few times. So, I basically try to 'positively force' myself to find something fulfilling out of my time off.
Example: this past summer that I had off of grad school (May- Sept), I got this job that took up so much of my time. I was still dealing with a breakup and that was difficult at times. But this job (I was basically a summer 'nanny') allowed to go ALL OVER the city, taking the kids sight-seeing, planning day events, etc. It could have totally sucked (and it did end up being horrible because of the MOTHER), especially b/c part of me was always a little nervous over running into my ex. But, in the end, I really got to do what I wanted...I went out with my friends every night, I got to see places in the city I havent seen before, and i kept thinking, 'wow, I bet lots of people I know havent gotten to see THIS'.
It is what you make of it, you know?

I also think traveling is a big thing. I know a lot of it is a problem of money when you are in school (that has been my problem), but when you have 4 months off, you have all the time in the world to backpack through Europe on the cheap (you really can do it cheaply); that probably gives you one of the most self-enriching and self-discovering opportunities there are! Imagine the people you could meet. Imagine what you could see and experience.
I think that part of why you feel so un-centered is because a) you're not over your ex, b) you compare everyone to him, and c) you havent met the right person. And all of that is NORMAL because I did it too. You really truly just have to find someone that either makes you tick more than your ex did, or at least is as desirable or better for you in DIFFERENT ways. It may take a while. I know that I always compared everyone to my ex, until I started thinking- WHY???! WHY am I comparing every innocent, new, potential guy to this person who broke my heart and destroyed me temporarily?
I know your situation with your ex is different and much less deceiving, which can make it more confusing with knowing how to move on. But youre not there yet, and thats OK. You don't have to instantly be healed and doing fine. Its a process, and some take longer than others. I know it sucks because you don't want to be in that 'process' anymore, but you don't want to feel like you're living a fake life either.

Well, Im rambling on, but my main point is, take this 4-month stretch of time to do whatever it is you've always wanted to do. THe more self-enriching, the better. Instead of thinking, 'oh god, I have all this time, how lonely will I feel!!?', think more along the lines of 'Oh my god, I have all this time, I can do everything Ive always wanted to do!!!'.
If I had 4 months to myself, this is what Id be doing (just for examples):

-going to Ecuador to stay with my friend and volunteering in the new school they opened up (1 month)
-if not Ecuador, Id backpack through Europe (1-1.5 months), OR Id rent out a flat in Spain and live there for a month
-if I couldn't travel due to lack of money, Id get some kind of different, new, unorthodox summer job (working as an assistant on movie sets, volunteering with some unusual organization) there are tons of stuff out there to research
-taking some classes (I would take some art classes), learn a language, join a book club..etc., I would do all those things if I had the time! My friend joined a book club, and while it may sound kind of 'nerdy'to some, they actually meet once every 2 weeks at someone's apartment, who cooks and then everyone brings wine, they pick books that EVERYONE is intersted in reading, and then they eat, drink, wine and chat about it. She says its a great time

So that is just some of what Id be doing. What helps is to think about yourself when you're 40, with kids, a demanding job, and a husband. What you would look back on and wish you could have done in your 20s when you were single and had all the time in the world??

Hope this helps Tyger. Lance, I agree with you about internet-dating, I wouldnt really do that. I think its one of those things about just hanging in there. I think that if an amazing, great love came around all the time, it wouldn't be as special. Those ones that really grab our attention come around very rarely...thats why they're so incredible. And I think we need to remember that. Its unfortunate, all of those times in between, but thats when we should be doing all of the things I suggested up above (not that we shouldn't do them when we are IN a a relationship). But I think single time is the time to do whatever you desire, and to love it!
oh yes i know the feeling, except i`m a dude, i`m often lonely myself as i`m a very akward person when it comes to the opposite sex (at lest when its in person) i don`t have any advice on this, cept the cliches, but i can tell you what not to do, turn to substances to fill the void (though i`m sure you`re well aware of this) anyway it`s what i foolishly ended up doing and i`m paying for it, but i`m trying to get clean so i`m headed in the right direction, but all thats beside the point. what i`m trying to say is you`re not alone in your loneleness. best wishes

BoyofLemons





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