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Relationship Health Message Board


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I ended up staying in tonight and I read your post earlier so I had to respond. :)

So yeah, we should talk!! How funny, you do sound extremely similar to me.

Well, I too consider myself a social-butterfly. I have a lot of amazing, intelligent and caring friends. I am satisfied with my social life, especially it is so much more fulfilling now that I am single. I also consider myself to be very attractive (I am exotic-looking too! How funny. Except Im a white girl, but people never think so, haha.) I meet lots of guys but it is VERY difficult to meet guys that a) arent after just one thing, b) act like they are after MORE than just one thing, and then you realize they're not (possibly after you've given them that one thing, and c) quality and worthy of being serious with.
That is where I struggle! I also tend to be very direct, and honest, and I have a lot of interests and can keep myself busy. I am a very big thinker and just as big of a talker. I have to express myself. But I have this side of me that is just incredibly romantic, deep, and maybe even fantasy-filled...which is where things like romance, etc. can affect me much more deeply than others. It sounds great but I tend to get hurt a lot more deeply than others. I tend to find the beauty in so many things in life (I cant tear myself away from watching babies and their moms, or older couples holding hands). I just have this very deep, intense side of me, and I think I feel things very strongly and therefore live on my emotions. Which again, sounds great, but its not when a lot of people don't have this quality! I also can be VERY altruistic...while Im a laid-back person, if I really care about someone I am very giving. Which can really backfire on me sometimes.

So with all that said, I think when I wrote that last post it was one of my lower points, mood-wise. It is so frustrating that I finally got to this point that I thought was The Impossible: finding someone who I felt I could get serious with. I always thought I would have issues with that, or just wouldnt ever find anyone to compare to my ex (who is an a-hole anyway and shouldnt be a standard, but still). But I did. And then he is suddenly having to go out of the country for 6 months! It just really got to me. And I get mopey and wallow in my misery and write on these boards.

But, I do think there is a lot of truth in the phrase "life is what you make of it". Ever since my breakup when I was in so much pain, I took a very proactive role with my life. I was going to cultivate my friendships. I was going to remain busy and satisfied as much as possible. I was going to try not to be so hard on myself (which I am, all the time), and I was going to put less emphasis on men. I have a lot of activities I am intersted in, and part of me knows I should be using this 'single time' of my 20s to really just enjoy myself and do everything I want to do. It would be a lot easier if I had the money, ha. But in a way its very true. I dont want to just sit around whining about how I am single. Today for instance, I woke up, made my tea and breakfast, and realized, I DONT HAVe ANY PLANS! For the first time in a month. I typically give myself a lot of down-time during my week and weekends, but usually I always have options of doing things. So, I began to sit and mope about how I didnt have anything to do, I wish i wasnt single, blah blah. Then, I got up, got dressed up, and went to the MOMA by myself (the museum of modern art here in NYC). And I had a blast! I do like doing things alone, and I just realized- why am I not doing things alone more often, instead of sitting in my apt feeling limited?

I cant say that I wonder what I did before I met my ex. My life doesnt change that much when I am in a relationship. I dont spend my time necessarily differently, its just that I spend my time wth someone else rather than alone.
I also cant say that I miss having a boyfriend all the time. I do enjoy my own time to do all the things I mentioned above (the proactive-ness). However, a lot of the time it jsut feels forced! And I think that, when I get down about this stuff, it is b/c I am lacking balance. What I have realized that i do want is to be able to find a guy that enjoys the same books, movies, food, culture and perspectives that I do, and then be able to stay in, chill, and just hang out while feeling like i am still being productive with my life. Because, as much as I can stay in at any point in time with my friends, we'd do something like watch Americas Next Top Model or something, hahaha. And my friends are extremely intelligent, its not like we have to watch bad TV. Its just that they fulfill a different part of me- I cant really stay in with my friends in candlelight talking about my dreams, my fears, etc. And I miss that deep, introspective, intense and loving side of me that is brought out with
a romantic partner. I like the challenge of learning about myself due to other people's influences. It can get old sitting around all day with only my own thoughts to think about (does that make sense?) During the week it is only work, gym, class, and relax. And the weekends is bars/lounges, movies, shopping, dinners, drinks, etc. etc. with my friends. And my friends can challenge me, on a lower-level. But I miss that part of my life that is just deeper and emotional.
So as much as I dont want to say that something is 'missing' in my life, mainly because I dont want a guy to have to complete me or make me 'better', I feel unbalanced. I feel that a very large part of my personality is not brought out often. I miss being alone and noticing something and wanting to point it out to someone that will completely understand. Again, I can do that with my friends, but it is different. Its just not the same connection. Its hard to explain.

With this one-month long guy, it had been so long and such a healing process that I felt that I could never be the same again or find someone that would make me want to get serious again. But, amazingly I found someone that really captured my attention in only a week or two...and now thats done with. Its so disappointing, but I think what bothers me the most is that I felt a certain side of me coming out again. And I felt a balance- we could sit in, hang out, cook dinner and chill, but talk in-depth and learn from each other. And now that I got a glimpse of what that is like, and I remember it, and now that its gone, it really threw me for a loop. Im trying to be logical about it, but that fantasy-world that I can live in sometimes wishes that he would just wake up, realize he does want to get me to know me better regardless of the fact that hes moving for awhile, and we'd continue on as was. Sigh.

My mom said that even if you do end up in a long-term relationship, you can still be very lonely. And I believe her. And I try to keep that in mind. I also try to keep in mind the fact that half of marriages end in this day and age. So I really want to live my life being happy on my own and not in need of anyone else. But its difficult. Being such a deep and loving person, I just feel life is passing me by and I am not given opportunities to really, really live and love and be my full self.
So I dont know if this makes any sense. I really do love being alone and living alone, but I think that there are definite drawbacks to that. I dont know if anything that I wrote resonates with you, but Im glad that you seem to see eye-to-eye with a lot of what I said. Feel free to talk about how you feel, Im sure I will understand.





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