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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


GG, I totally understand where you are coming from. And Sweetcucumber, I think I could've written some of your exact posts myself, they hit so close to home.

I am so lonely.

I have been single for almost 2 years now, which is shocking for me. I have never too much of a problem attracting men, and many I can't find obvious fault with - but none that I feel any sort of connection with and it leaves me feeling so hopeless and alone. I have dated a little and was with a guy for a month or two, others were just one-off's, but I always leave them after a short time, feeling as hollow and alone as ever. I even had a casual physical relationship with a really fun guy for months, trying to forget my ex... but it did not change my feeling of loneliness and I ended it which only caused him sadness. Sometimes I crave intimacy - both physical and emotional - so badly it feels like it is killing me.

I empathise with Sweetcucumber because I am quite painfully addicted to my feelings for 2 men... one being my ex-boyfriend, who I never recovered from after our awful breakup 2 years ago. My feelings for him are very strong, and I invest so much time thinking about him that sometimes my chest hurts with thoughts of him. Beyond him there is only one other man who I desperately want to be with, but he is in a long-term relationship at present, despite the fact that he is very flirty and intimate with me, and can never seem to keep his eyes off me. We are close, talk often, and connect on many levels. But then sometimes he will avoid me like the plague, and even becomes nervous and distant around me, which is just plain confusing :(

My theory is that because I have noone in my life, I focus in on these men that are basically unattainable, because I have nobody better to occupy myself with. But then because I am obsessing about them, I have no motivation or desire to start any potential relationships with anyone else, or even give them a chance. So it is a vicious, unbreaking cycle, and I don't know what there is to be done about it. I just keep hanging in there in the hopes that something will 'happen', cos there are occasions where it seems very possible, going by their actions towards me. But then...nothing.

I am only 22, but I feel old and sad inside. I feel like I have noone and never will. I feel like the novelty of 'finding myself' and having time to do the things I love and meet new people has worn off long ago, and now I am just becoming more and more lonely and depressed. My friends are in relationships, or at least pursuing them and enjoying themselves, and it eats away at me that they have someone to spend a cozy friday night in with, and I have nothing but my lonely apartment. I am not close to my family and only see them every fortnight or so. I try to keep myself busy and surround myself with friends, but I am seen as the mature, collected and independant one of my group, and it is hard to relate my fears and loneliness to them - they don't have anything constructive to say besides "you'll find someone, you'll be fine" and then start asking me what to do about all their problems and issues which I have even less answers to.

Sometimes I feel like I will be waiting for my ex forever, and will grow old alone. But then, I can't [I]force [/I]myself to go out there and truly [I]want[/I] someone. That feels so stale and forced, and I have seen my ex go down that path and end up worse than he started. I'm so unhappy.

P.S. Hi to Sophia, hope you have been well xox
I ended up staying in tonight and I read your post earlier so I had to respond. :)

So yeah, we should talk!! How funny, you do sound extremely similar to me.

Well, I too consider myself a social-butterfly. I have a lot of amazing, intelligent and caring friends. I am satisfied with my social life, especially it is so much more fulfilling now that I am single. I also consider myself to be very attractive (I am exotic-looking too! How funny. Except Im a white girl, but people never think so, haha.) I meet lots of guys but it is VERY difficult to meet guys that a) arent after just one thing, b) act like they are after MORE than just one thing, and then you realize they're not (possibly after you've given them that one thing, and c) quality and worthy of being serious with.
That is where I struggle! I also tend to be very direct, and honest, and I have a lot of interests and can keep myself busy. I am a very big thinker and just as big of a talker. I have to express myself. But I have this side of me that is just incredibly romantic, deep, and maybe even fantasy-filled...which is where things like romance, etc. can affect me much more deeply than others. It sounds great but I tend to get hurt a lot more deeply than others. I tend to find the beauty in so many things in life (I cant tear myself away from watching babies and their moms, or older couples holding hands). I just have this very deep, intense side of me, and I think I feel things very strongly and therefore live on my emotions. Which again, sounds great, but its not when a lot of people don't have this quality! I also can be VERY altruistic...while Im a laid-back person, if I really care about someone I am very giving. Which can really backfire on me sometimes.

So with all that said, I think when I wrote that last post it was one of my lower points, mood-wise. It is so frustrating that I finally got to this point that I thought was The Impossible: finding someone who I felt I could get serious with. I always thought I would have issues with that, or just wouldnt ever find anyone to compare to my ex (who is an a-hole anyway and shouldnt be a standard, but still). But I did. And then he is suddenly having to go out of the country for 6 months! It just really got to me. And I get mopey and wallow in my misery and write on these boards.

But, I do think there is a lot of truth in the phrase "life is what you make of it". Ever since my breakup when I was in so much pain, I took a very proactive role with my life. I was going to cultivate my friendships. I was going to remain busy and satisfied as much as possible. I was going to try not to be so hard on myself (which I am, all the time), and I was going to put less emphasis on men. I have a lot of activities I am intersted in, and part of me knows I should be using this 'single time' of my 20s to really just enjoy myself and do everything I want to do. It would be a lot easier if I had the money, ha. But in a way its very true. I dont want to just sit around whining about how I am single. Today for instance, I woke up, made my tea and breakfast, and realized, I DONT HAVe ANY PLANS! For the first time in a month. I typically give myself a lot of down-time during my week and weekends, but usually I always have options of doing things. So, I began to sit and mope about how I didnt have anything to do, I wish i wasnt single, blah blah. Then, I got up, got dressed up, and went to the MOMA by myself (the museum of modern art here in NYC). And I had a blast! I do like doing things alone, and I just realized- why am I not doing things alone more often, instead of sitting in my apt feeling limited?

I cant say that I wonder what I did before I met my ex. My life doesnt change that much when I am in a relationship. I dont spend my time necessarily differently, its just that I spend my time wth someone else rather than alone.
I also cant say that I miss having a boyfriend all the time. I do enjoy my own time to do all the things I mentioned above (the proactive-ness). However, a lot of the time it jsut feels forced! And I think that, when I get down about this stuff, it is b/c I am lacking balance. What I have realized that i do want is to be able to find a guy that enjoys the same books, movies, food, culture and perspectives that I do, and then be able to stay in, chill, and just hang out while feeling like i am still being productive with my life. Because, as much as I can stay in at any point in time with my friends, we'd do something like watch Americas Next Top Model or something, hahaha. And my friends are extremely intelligent, its not like we have to watch bad TV. Its just that they fulfill a different part of me- I cant really stay in with my friends in candlelight talking about my dreams, my fears, etc. And I miss that deep, introspective, intense and loving side of me that is brought out with
a romantic partner. I like the challenge of learning about myself due to other people's influences. It can get old sitting around all day with only my own thoughts to think about (does that make sense?) During the week it is only work, gym, class, and relax. And the weekends is bars/lounges, movies, shopping, dinners, drinks, etc. etc. with my friends. And my friends can challenge me, on a lower-level. But I miss that part of my life that is just deeper and emotional.
So as much as I dont want to say that something is 'missing' in my life, mainly because I dont want a guy to have to complete me or make me 'better', I feel unbalanced. I feel that a very large part of my personality is not brought out often. I miss being alone and noticing something and wanting to point it out to someone that will completely understand. Again, I can do that with my friends, but it is different. Its just not the same connection. Its hard to explain.

With this one-month long guy, it had been so long and such a healing process that I felt that I could never be the same again or find someone that would make me want to get serious again. But, amazingly I found someone that really captured my attention in only a week or two...and now thats done with. Its so disappointing, but I think what bothers me the most is that I felt a certain side of me coming out again. And I felt a balance- we could sit in, hang out, cook dinner and chill, but talk in-depth and learn from each other. And now that I got a glimpse of what that is like, and I remember it, and now that its gone, it really threw me for a loop. Im trying to be logical about it, but that fantasy-world that I can live in sometimes wishes that he would just wake up, realize he does want to get me to know me better regardless of the fact that hes moving for awhile, and we'd continue on as was. Sigh.

My mom said that even if you do end up in a long-term relationship, you can still be very lonely. And I believe her. And I try to keep that in mind. I also try to keep in mind the fact that half of marriages end in this day and age. So I really want to live my life being happy on my own and not in need of anyone else. But its difficult. Being such a deep and loving person, I just feel life is passing me by and I am not given opportunities to really, really live and love and be my full self.
So I dont know if this makes any sense. I really do love being alone and living alone, but I think that there are definite drawbacks to that. I dont know if anything that I wrote resonates with you, but Im glad that you seem to see eye-to-eye with a lot of what I said. Feel free to talk about how you feel, Im sure I will understand.
Tyger and Levison,
Sadly, I think motivation is really what makes you heal faster from a breakup. It can seem really false, forced and like you are 'putting on a show'. It was really hard for me because I am very open with how I feel, and therefore if I felt like cra* I acted like it.
It is also easy to sit and mope, wallow, and assume that nothing will ever change. I have been there OH so many times. Still go there sometimes. :) But the truth is, if you believe you will never find anyone better than your ex, you won't. Again, it sounds false, it maybe it might not ever happen, but you have got to tell yourself that that is what you deserve. Otherwise you will be stuck without making progress. But I'll stop preaching because it isn't easy to convince yourself that you are 'OK' and I have a ton of weak moments too, haha.
Tyger, all of my friends are different, haha. Well, my close ones anyway. I have one going through a divorce, with 2 little girls, one going through a rough breakup, two who are in long-term relationships, one who seemingly has the most perfect marriage in the world (I wonder), and then a bunch of best friends who are even more single than I am (aka, havent had many lt relationships and dont date often). So it varies. We all complain though. Relationships are NOT easy, no matter if you're in one or not. That is what I am learning! Im figuring out that a relationship with the 'love of my life' will not be my salvation. So Im trying to give myself the skills now to be able to happy the rest of my life, whether I am single or not. We'll see! Haha.
My family lives 4.5 hours away from me...Im pretty close to my mom as of recently (we talk almost every day) but I havent always been. And my dad and I had problems when I was growing up (I blame a lot of my relationship problems on him, haha). But theyre better now. They really helped me a lot through my breakup, and when I get really lonely or want to cry I call my mom. She listens no matter what...typically. ;)
And for fun, lately Ive been reading a lot, and really working on my Spanish bilingualism, which can take up a lot of time and mental energy. I also chat on here to you guys and to my other friends that I havent seen in years that I am tracking down through the internet. And, when I have more money, I will be looking into art classes, dance classes (I want to improve my salsa :) and I used to be a major dancer), and I wouldnt mind learning another language, like Arabic or French. These are just a few of the things I enjoy. I LOVE watching movies too, and reading everything in site, and working out, or hanging out around the city. There is so much to do that sometimes I think I get so fixated on loneliness that I just accept it and dont try to change it. But I just made a huge list of everything I want to do...so why dont I when I get depressed? Its beyond me.
Anyway, I hope you're doing well, and feeling better about things...?





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