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This is wha i've written to give my girlfriend (only ben with her 5 days) in 2 hours when she calls in to see me at work:

First off, the reason why i'm typing this out instead of writing it is becuase my handwriting is + I aint got the balls to say it to your face, coz either you'll slap me a ****er or boot me with a high heel!!

This is the hardest thing in the world for me to write and the only reason i'm writing it down and not telling you this face to face is because I just can't hack seeing your dissapointed and shocked reaction, plus i know i'll get nervous as **** and back-pedal and prob will not end up saying it.

Basically, I cannot see you again. Why? not becuase of anything you have done, but basically because of my own fault, 100% my head is totally mashed up and the last few days I feel like i've got a stanley knife being turned in my stomach, that's why I cannot eat or sleep etc, nothing to do with my cold. Yes I have a cold, but that's nothing to do with why i'm not eating.

Let me get this straight, hand on heart babe, I think you are gorgeous and as you know i've liked you for years and genuinely think you are a truly amazing person.

The reason I HAVE to end it is becuase of my ****ed up way of thinking, low self-confidence and SUPER low self-esteem, paranoid and insecure brain of mine!

I'm used to seeing girls that, when i'm not with them they stay in or they are in work or stuff like that etc etc so I know where they are and don't have to get paranoid.

I'm not used to seeing girls likes you, I normally purposely go for the 100% opposite of you so that my paranoid ****ed up brain hasn't got to go into overdrive.

Here comes the stuff which you and Rachael and whoever else you are showing this is really gonna make think "FREAK!!"

I can't hack the normal stuff, i.e. the fact that you get on really well with the father of your daughter, the fact that you told me one of your best friends is a GUY you used to shag!!! **** that for a laugh!! also STUPID stuff like you are a party girl, hen nights, partys, nights out pissed with the girls head would spin out of this ****ing world with worry knowing you would be out, pissed outta your brain and me wondering, no, COVINCED that you'd be getting off with other guys...that's how my retard of a brain works!!

I've been with a few normal girls (see, you are normal, i'm the mental, i admit it) like you, that go out with their mates, have a drink etc and they've ALWAYS ended up shitting on me and I just can't hack having it done to me again, I really can't take it at all.

One minute you're telling me you have never even hugged Andrew, then you're telling me you may have hugged him once, but you've never kissed him, then you say you might have kissed him on the cheek, but never on the lips, but then you admit to kissing him on the lips by "accident" I mean, what next???

I don't believe 90% of what Andrew said, but I do believe it when he says he has had sex with you etc and was in a short relationship with you, be it 1 week or 6 months, whatever, but you know and I know that you're telling me porky pies and that you have been with him, why don't you just admit it???

I don't give a toss if you've shagged Saddam Hussein, the past is the past and everybodys got one, I just can't stand lies, really can't stand lies.

Am I supposed to not say anything when i'm sitting in my house and your "best mate" who is a guy that you used to shag and be in a relationship with, is around your house for a cup of tea and a chat???????????

**** that, no way hozay, I don't do that stuff!!

99.9999% of why i have to end this is becuase of me and the way my brain works etc etc, please don't think its you, coz it's are gorgeous and sexy and truly, what i know of you so far you're an amazing person. I truly do think you are awesome managing to work, keep a roof over you and your kids head etc and all the other stuff, if were 10% as strong and as good as you are i'd be well happy + you are amazing and such a loving and caring mother.

Yeah I know i'm blabbering on now, but I have to get this out of my head and onto paper.

I wish to god I didn't think like I do but my past has totally wrecked my confidence, self-esteem and made me so paranoid, untrusting and basically totally destroyed me.

29, 16 stone bodybuilder and I feel like ****ing crying here - pathetic!! I wanna be with you so bad, SO ****ING BAD, but I can't and you have no idea, absolutely zero Idea how bad this is mashing up my brain and how hard it is to write this bcuase I do NOT want to end it, no way, but I have to, for my own sake as well as yours.

Hey, welcome to the ****ed up mind of Matthew Moss!! roll on the Citalopram!!

I feel like total and utter **** here, really bad, Just wanna curl up and die to be honest, but this is for the best, well, best for you anyway as you're a wonderful person in every single way and you don't need a paranoid, possesive, low self-esteem, low confidence, jealous retard like me ****ing with your head. And trust me, I will **** with your head, I wouldn't mean too but it's just the way my mind works and cannot help it.

Loads of girls have said "don't be silly" and "i can handle you" but usually, 99.99% of the time within 2-3 weeks i'm dumped for being, quote: "jealous" or "possesive" or "paranoid" and loads loads more other stuff, or the whole damn lot rolled into one!!

I can go on forever here, but i'm gonna stop as you're probably thinking "FREAK, lucky escape for me" and getting bored out of your skull etc.

It's unfair I think like this, but cannot control it. It's a shame, becuase i'm such a decent, honest, loving, kind and gentle guy, i've got so much love to give, but all the other reasons above, i'd have you pulling your hair out within a week.

All I can say is i'm sorry, and I hope at the very very least, we can walk pass each other and say "hello" in the street.

I don't want you to hate me and I could never hate you in a million years, i'll be bloody pining for you every day like a little puppy dog.

Again....i'm sorry.

all my love and best wishes for the future,

x x x x


That's what what ive written to give to her and it's all 100% true, why the **** can't I be normal??????????

sick and tired of psychologists, anti-depressants, councellors and doctors, hypnosis...nothing is helping me!!!!!



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