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Hi Nicole,

I’m 28 and I’ve been in your situation before – and in many ways I’m still in your situation. But, I guess I don’t want my post to be long story of me saying “I know what you’re going through.” So to make it short, I know about the abuse, the man changing then getting worse again then changing again and so on, you being young and mature and trying to go to college yet needing to be with him for some reason, him essentially ruining your good intentions, and his dependence on drugs – in my case I always used too, but never as bad as any man in my life.

First off, don’t drop out of college. One thing that has always kept me going is no matter how bad my man was treating me or how many stupid things he was doing, I’ve always tried very hard to not let that get in the way of my education and now career. Of course that is nearly impossible, but I still did graduate college and now I have a job that uses my degree and many years of experience and now I make pretty good money. But, it is hard because I’ve had to deal with fighting phone calls at work, being late to work because of stupid fights, not doing my work because I’m thinking about him, etc., etc. He never realizes how much he’s affected me in that way. What were you going to college for? What kind of job do you want to get? Don’t lose sight of that, please.

You’ve only been with your boyfriend for 2 and a half years. Looking at the big picture of life, that’s not that long. Seriously. It is best to get out now, while you are so young!!!! When I was 19, I was stupidly engaged to a guy who hit me and was an alcoholic – what a mistake! I could have been off talking to and meeting a bunch of different guys. I know it feels like he is the only one in the world for you, but there are other guys out there! Almost all of us who have been in an unhealthy relationship stick around because we think he is unlike any other guy or more special or even better looking than anyone who we would find. We all think that way, seriously. And I don’t think we can all be right! So, he is really not all that special or good looking or good hearted. He’s really not. It is just in your head.

To answer some of your questions:

[QUOTE=trendkill] Can someone please tell me why I keep letting myself go through this? [/QUOTE]
Most likely because you have low self esteem and don’t think that you’re worthy of being loved and treated better than this. You were so young and still developing as a person when you got involved in this relationship that you never really had a chance to “figure yourself out.” All that you’ve known has been his emotional put downs and disappointments and abuse. So now you have lost a lot of love for yourself.

[QUOTE=trendkill] Why he wont make any attempts to make things better? [/QUOTE] He has no reason to. The only way I’ve found to even remotely get some change in these types of men was to completely divorce and leave him and not have contact with him ever. That caused my ex husband to go into an alcoholic state so severe that he ended up in treatment and is now alcohol-free and is a good husband and father to his new wife and son. We weren't meant to be together, and it took the heartbreak he suffered from me leaving him to change. By the time I left, I didn’t love him anymore, other than maybe a love I’d feel for like a family member. I left him for someone else, which wasn’t a good way to go about it at all. My next boyfriend did show some signs of change, very significant change actually, after I had him arrested for beating me up. The judge ordered him to take the domestic abuse/anger management classes, and I think he won’t do that (be physical) again. You should know, however, that these classes made him aware only that the physical abuse is wrong. The hurt caused by his emotional abuse still hasn't registered with him. Sometimes it seems like it does, but then he goes and is emotionally abusive again, so obviously not.

OH, and the real reason your bf won’t change: he is a drug addict. They have to want to change. You will not make him change. He’s not going to change because of you.

[QUOTE=trendkill] Why he drills it into my head that he loves me and wants to get better? [/QUOTE] Because you’re really super nice to him all the time. No one else is like that to him. He is basically using you for support when he has no one else. But, he only turns to you as a last resort. He is manipulating you and he might not even realize that.

[QUOTE=trendkill] Why it's so hard to let go of someone who is ruining my life? [/QUOTE] Again, because of your personal self esteem. You need to learn how to love yourself.

[QUOTE=trendkill] How to move on? [/QUOTE] This is never easy to do. First you need to cut off contact with him. All contact. Not just for a day or two but for months and years. You might even need to move or do something drastic for that to happen. Then, you need to find other things to focus your time and efforts on. College is a great place to start. Then make new friends in college or at work. Girlfriends are great for this type of healing. Focus your time and energy on friends and family and most importantly, yourself. You may need counseling to help get your life on the right path. Actually, based on what you said about your health, I think counseling might be necessary for you. I was never able to get involved in counseling – probably because I’ve always used at the same time. But you’re clean and you can do it and you can heal. And, you absolutely deserve it!

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