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I know where you're coming from very unfortunately... This is my story, sound familiar to you? I also post and read a lot on the Addiction and Recovery board, it helps to speak to people going through the same sort of things (plus he smokes weed everynight).

I'm 32, my boyfriend is 28. We've been together a year and a half and it's been the best year and a half of my life. I can honestly say we both feel we've met the right one, we tell each other we love eath other all the time and really do mean it, and we're on the same wavelength most of the time and get along so great. A month ago, we both rented a place together and it's his first time of moving out of his parents, so I expected it wasn't gonna be the easiest thing for him, and I have to say I've been pretty patient!! I've lived out since 21, so I'm what you would call a happy, go lucky, very independent girly! . The only thing I would say that didn't make him a 100% perfect man was the fact that he smoked weed. I am completely anti drugs, but I put up with it, cos it could be worse, right! So I've always known that, and he has been completely honest with me all along. I knew before I met him that he would occasionally do c0ke as well, but he has looked me in the eyes and sworn blind that he's never done it while with me. Well, to cut a long story short, we went on holiday, we both got drunk and he admitted he had done it since he's been with me. Well, I could hear my heart break. Not cos of that, but because of the lying. I scared him so much in the bar that I was gonna leave him, and told him I can't trust him anymore, which he said he didn't blame me at all. Well, we kinda sorted it and all was OK.

Friday night we went out with some of the guys that we had met on holiday!! Got in really late, sat for a while together in the bedroom, then he went to get a beer. I was so tired I just fell asleep straight away! Anyways, I get up the next morning, have a shower, get ready for dance rehearsals, go in the lounge and find a j0int butt in the ashtray, there's me thinking what the hell did he need that for when he'd already drunk so much. Then I saw it on the floor. White powder and little rocks. How I didn't throw up on the spot I don't know. I didn't wake him up straight away, I was in shock. Then he gets up and I'm crying. He asks what's the matter and I march him into the lounge and say what the ****is that, pointing to the floor. Well, he just didn't know what to say. I lost it. I get ready to go out and leave him. He wouldn't let me out, started crying, I hit him alot, I called him every name, saying he was a loser, and I didn't wanna spend the rest of my life with a drug addict. He kept saying it was a one off and he'd made a terrible mistake. He kept saying he loved me so much, how sorry he was, but it just wasn't cutting it. I asked him where he'd got it from and he wouldn't say, then he said an old school friend who he didn't really know have it to him in the toilet in the pub. And he's such a loser, he didn't take it, he took it a home instead, where thank god, he was so careless cos he was drunk, he dropped some on the floor. I stormed out, he begged me not to go, I've never seen him cry so much.

I was too hungover to drive anywhere, so I went and sat in my car. He didn't know that. He kept phoning asking me to come home, asking where i was, I just told him he obviously didn't give a s*** and hung up. He called my friends husband in tears asking if he'd seen me, he gave him the biggest bo****ing of his life. I sat in the car for about 20 mins then went back. He was sobbing his heart out. He said he couldn't even talk to his mum cos she'd go mad. I told him he was to tell her or I would. He walked out saying he was going for a walk and said he was so, so sorry.

I didn't see him all day, and I ignored all his calls. I'm glad I had dance rehearals, it made me forget it for 3 hours. I wanted him to wallow in his own misery all day and think about what he'd actually done. He called his friend in tears as well, as a got a txt msg from his wife asking if I was OK. She said my boyf was at his mums. His mum did go mad. I eventually went round to get him in the evening. Now he's eating a lot of humble pie. I said if there's a next time I go, for good. I said is it worth losing everything for 20mins of fun.

I hope he learnt his lesson.

Why the hell do I love him so much. Unfortunately I do. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. I so hope he doesn't do this to me again, as I will have to stick to my guns and go, even though I won't want to.

-------- Well, I posted that story about six months ago.... and I must found it and argued about it, and he's lied about it at least a dozen other times since then.... he actually admitted he did it every week for a while, this is someone who apparently 'doesn't have problem and doesn't do it that much'. and... yep, I'm stil there, being taken for a mug and I don't know why.

It's his friends. When we are away from them or he doesn't see them, he's fine, as soon as he even goes out for one night with them, he's bang on it again, even when he's out with me.... Unlucky for him, I can tell within about 30 secs whether he's done it or not. Take the other week... Friday night (hell, I hate Fridays sooo much with a passion, I can't even say, how sad it really is when you think about it)... I had to go to a friends house for dinner, he said he was going for a few drinks with the boys... (try to trust him and not think about what he's doing)... finish dinner, drop my other friend home, get cab to wait outside the bar they are in while I run in and see if they were there..... I wanted to join them all for a last drink. I see them in the bar, go outside and tell cab to go, then goes back in and stand at the bar waiting for a drink... They didn't know I was in there... my boyf was standing there, chatting up some girl, while off his face gear.... He turns round and sees me after about 2 mins, says 'Alright babe' like nothing is wrong.... well to cut a long story short, we had a huge row in the bar and I went home and didn't let him come home. He had to crash on a friends floor,.

It made him realise for a time that maybe I was getting serious when I said if I caught him at the charlie again, that was it. Then the next week we went on holiday. We had a fantastic time, we always do when he's away from everyone and everything.

The last night we were there, we had a huge row and I can't even remember how it started. He punched a hole in the hotel bathroom door and I remember sitting in the bathroom just crying my heart out, about just how *** my life had become and how I couldn't walk away when I know I desperately should do. In the morning, I get up and he asks if I'm OK ! Ha ! I just said no and carried on packing my stuff ready to go home. I said to him I had actually realised that he would never, ever love me more than his cars or his drugs. and that's when he broke down, proper brokedown, saying he hates himself for how badly he's treated me and his family, how cocaine has ruined everything that was good in his life, how he loved me more than he's ever loved anything. He didn't wanna die young, he knows it's killing him slowly. He said he wanted to start over, a clean slate.

Well, since then, he's only smoked 1 joint in the last 2 weeks and as far as i can tell has not touched gear. Unless he's doing so little, I can't notice. I still check his wallet for the snooker membership card he normally uses, and it's always in his wallet a different way round... I can't accuse him of using just on that sign.. but it still makes me not trust him (he never goes snooker, so why the card should be moving as much as it is, I can't think of any other reason).

I'm really sorry for the long post, but I want you to know you're not alone in feeling how you are..... I don't wanna be single either, all my friends are attached and don't even come out anymore... what a life I'll have NOT.

Keep in touch, it's nice to talk to someone in the same position... xx
Nicole,

He is like a drug for you. Just like how he is addicted to cocaine, you are addicted to him. You want him to see this poem because you think it will "make him see how much he's hurt you" and "make him realize what a good thing he is letting go." That's not going to change him. You know that it might cause him to feel bad for a few days, but then he is going to go back to doing you wrong. Just like a drug. It gets you high, but then there are side effects when you come down. And you may desperately think that even those few days of good are worth it, just like a drug addict. Do you see the similarities? And, I'm guessing that since you don't use drugs yourself, you believe they are bad for you. But you are using, you are an addict, each time you take him back. You do need quarantine. You need help. You need to go back to counseling. Your first counselor was right -- she couldn't help you because you wouldn't let go to what was causing you harm. You need to clear your mind to benefit from counseling, and to clear your mind, you need to get him out of your life.

All that you mention in your poem, all the struggles you've gone through with him, those are things that wouldn't happen in a normal relationship. All the things you've done for him may mean something, but he is never going to appreciate any of it. He isn't going to change. No No No. The poem isn't going to change him.

With that being said, I absolutely LOVED your poem. It was VERY well done. I couldn't have done it better myself, and you know what I do for a living? I am a writer, professionally. I have a journalism degree specializing in public relations, and what I do is get paid lots of money to write promotional materials for a large company. I think you'd be great at something like that, too. I think you are TOO GOOD to waste your life putting all your efforts into him. Please, please, please don't do that. You say he is the only thing you've really committed to in life, everything else you quit. That's not right! You have so much more to offer the world -- more than he could ever appreciate.

Are you close to your parents or any siblings? They can be great sources of support while you go through your withdrawl. Yup, you are going to go through withdrawl just like a drug addict. You will cry, but you know what? It is not going to be as bad as you think it is going to be because you're not going to let it get that bad. You're going to write a lot, write down your feelings. You're going to call friends -- who cares if they are in that in love stage of a relationship. Tell them that they can't spend all their time with their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's true, they really shouldn't. So invite over your friends. Do they know about the abuse?

Another good resource for you would be a domestic abuse center in your area. Call them and ask for resources that will help you get him out of your life. I can't imagine someone there not trying to help you.

It is going to be scary to open up like this, but really -- its not as scary as you think, because after time you’re going to feel unbelievably better. Lots of women have gone through what you have, and lots of women have left and moved on and had wonderfully successful lives. You can too. You know it, too, you just need to do it.





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