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[QUOTE=kaelax]I separated from my husband of 13 yrs 3 years ago. Since then I have done a lot of self healing work and really trying to let go, but the better I think I'm getting to know myself the harder the break up is becomming. It was an abrupt end (after 2 councilling sessions he left) and really have not discussed why it has come to this. When we separated we both were going to 'work on it' but the next thing he's handing me divorce papers (I never signed them as I was not in any emotional state to do so). I just feel it is a big waste (we have 3 small children 5, 9 & 10 yrs) and don't feel we have done our best to work things out. In his mind he has 'gone' - how can I get him to do some work or should I even try? I'm finding it hard to move on because I don't think we tried hard enough. I know we could work things out but I don't want to scare him away at this stage -any ideas, I'm desperate???????[/QUOTE]

Hi

I agree with BlueFira: it takes two to tango.

I don't know what kind of self-healing work you've been doing, but it seems that you're still showing a very low self-esteem.

I hope that you aren't going through any financial trouble and that your three children are healthy and developing well. This would already take a heavy load out of your shoulders.

You don't tell us why you separated from your husband, or rather, why he left. Was it because he cheated on you? Or because you fought over money all the time? Or because he decided to live alone and turn his life into an adventure? Whatever his motives were, I think you have got to respect them, as long as he remains responsible and pays his share for the welfare of his kids.

I think you are sort of obsessed with him and the fact that he left makes you feel like a loser. I also think it is hard for you to manage your relative freedom of nowadays. I suppose you have a lot to do as a mother and housewife and I know it is not easy, but knowing how to be alone and enjoying it yourself is a pre-requisite for establishing healthy relationships in the future.

I think you'd help you to think that your ex-husband is "dead" in a metaphorical way, of course. I mean to say: the man you once loved is no longer living. He changed and you changed, too. Even if he came back, he wouldn't be the same. So, grieve for him just a little longer, but let ashes be ashes. Don't spoil his and your own development. Set your souls free. You need to turn this page of your life and start looking at things and people around you, as if they weren't there before, and be grateful that you are still able to walk, dream and do things for yourself and the others.

Best of luck.

JC





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