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I have posted this in the Bipolar section too and found this tread later. Bipolar responses were very much appreciated, but I am still looking for feed back where someone has went though something like this. [B]Good or bad I am interested in both replies.[/B] Today I had a 1st appearance in court only to set another date for child custody and support. I want the kidz 7 and 5 both boyz. You bet I am scared to think I can do this on my own. But something is telling me its the right thing to do. They pushed the date out 6 weeks. Will that just give her more time to run the credit cards up?
TT

My 1st post in the bipolar thread
I have been married for 11 years. they have been so awesome and I feel like so many things in my life make me happy. 2 kids that make me feel like a dad everyday. I credit it to being blessed. Thank you again. Everything in my life is great. Except the relationship with my wife. She has stolen money from me, my family (A quick note you can call your credit cards and tell them not to mail any transfer check at any time and get the mail yourself too) and cheated on me 2 time that I know of. she was diagnosed with bipolar by an MD and put on meds. we have counseled for over 3 years and she continues to put everyone else before me and the family its like she has to please anyone and everyone else. Not coming home from work for hours after she got off. Deleting messages and who she calls on the cell phone 1700 minutes . Lying about just about anything. We have had long talks about this and how she acts. she says she just can't stop it and I need to find someone better. Is this Bipolar or did she not go though a stage growing up that would have helped help her deal with sin or right and wrong? I can't deal with the deceitfulness and infidelity and I have filed for divorce. It is not what I really want. It is going to break my kidz hearts. They are 7 and 5. I Really want my wife back. I know for better or worse but I can not stand feeling like a fool anymore. If you have been though this and divorced. I just want to know that everything will be OK. But all comments are welcome. There is a ton more detail to the story but it would not be fair to either of us to go into detail where everyone can see it. K-love keeps me sane and focused on my kids.

TT

My 2nd post in the bipolar tread.
Thank you so much for the feed back both mudhound and goody. of course I will read it a couple times. thanks again. Like I said I have tried for 3 years now to better understand her and her condition and working on being a better listener. I have had a very hard time setting boundaries with her she would get mad and make me feel guilty every time I would try. At times I feel she is a completely different person when I am not around. Drinking with her friends and I am not a drinker, she never used too. I have seen other posts where they talk like this starts after having kids is that true? It's like our life is not exciting enough for her or at least not anymore. She has ran credit cards up so high that we can't really do anything like vacation. I feel this is something my kidz need to experience as kids. She has gotten her own mail box and I am afraid she will start with the credit cards again, that is one of the main reasons I am filing. To protect the rest of the family. Also trust I just don't know when someone will sweet talk her again. I go on Tue. 31st For a hearing to get temporary child custody and child support. She is not happy with me but how will my kid grow up being around and seeing her behavior all the time. I am still looking for someone who has divorced and how they are doing preferable with kids. Feel free to add anything else though.
TT

Thanks you,
TT
[QUOTE=tbltennis1]I have posted this in the Bipolar section too and found this tread later. Bipolar responses were very much appreciated, but I am still looking for feed back where someone has went though something like this. [B]Good or bad I am interested in both replies.[/B] Today I had a 1st appearance in court only to set another date for child custody and support. I want the kidz 7 and 5 both boyz. You bet I am scared to think I can do this on my own. But something is telling me its the right thing to do. They pushed the date out 6 weeks. Will that just give her more time to run the credit cards up?
TT

My 1st post in the bipolar thread
I have been married for 11 years. they have been so awesome and I feel like so many things in my life make me happy. 2 kids that make me feel like a dad everyday. I credit it to being blessed. Thank you again. Everything in my life is great. Except the relationship with my wife. She has stolen money from me, my family (A quick note you can call your credit cards and tell them not to mail any transfer check at any time and get the mail yourself too) and cheated on me 2 time that I know of. she was diagnosed with bipolar by an MD and put on meds. we have counseled for over 3 years and she continues to put everyone else before me and the family its like she has to please anyone and everyone else. Not coming home from work for hours after she got off. Deleting messages and who she calls on the cell phone 1700 minutes . Lying about just about anything. We have had long talks about this and how she acts. she says she just can't stop it and I need to find someone better. Is this Bipolar or did she not go though a stage growing up that would have helped help her deal with sin or right and wrong? I can't deal with the deceitfulness and infidelity and I have filed for divorce. It is not what I really want. It is going to break my kidz hearts. They are 7 and 5. I Really want my wife back. I know for better or worse but I can not stand feeling like a fool anymore. If you have been though this and divorced. I just want to know that everything will be OK. But all comments are welcome. There is a ton more detail to the story but it would not be fair to either of us to go into detail where everyone can see it. K-love keeps me sane and focused on my kids.

TT

My 2nd post in the bipolar tread.
Thank you so much for the feed back both mudhound and goody. of course I will read it a couple times. thanks again. Like I said I have tried for 3 years now to better understand her and her condition and working on being a better listener. I have had a very hard time setting boundaries with her she would get mad and make me feel guilty every time I would try. At times I feel she is a completely different person when I am not around. Drinking with her friends and I am not a drinker, she never used too. I have seen other posts where they talk like this starts after having kids is that true? It's like our life is not exciting enough for her or at least not anymore. She has ran credit cards up so high that we can't really do anything like vacation. I feel this is something my kidz need to experience as kids. She has gotten her own mail box and I am afraid she will start with the credit cards again, that is one of the main reasons I am filing. To protect the rest of the family. Also trust I just don't know when someone will sweet talk her again. I go on Tue. 31st For a hearing to get temporary child custody and child support. She is not happy with me but how will my kid grow up being around and seeing her behavior all the time. I am still looking for someone who has divorced and how they are doing preferable with kids. Feel free to add anything else though.
TT

Thanks you,
TT[/QUOTE]

Hello

Like the first poster, I have no experience with bipolar disorder, but I gather that your wife (or ex-wife) is betraying the treatment, for how can anyone on meds drink alcohol and have no guilty conscience about it?

The title of your post is about "the right thing to do". I am not sure there is one RIGHT thing to do, but probably there is one BEST thing to do.

I think there are many questions unsaid and unanswered in your post. Here are some of them:

1. Should I have any hopes about my wife?

2. Shall I be able to raise the kids by myself?

3. What if I am given the custody of the kids, and she keeps bribing them, exerting a bad influence upon them?

4. What if I find a new partner, a new wife? Will the boys accept her? Will she accept the boys?

5. Will the boys look up to me as their father or will they keep incriminating me for having abandoned their mother?

Etc...

I sense (and I am sorry for you) that you are going through a very thorny moment in your life. You are probably afraid, unsure of yourself and in doubt. Whatever you do from now on won't be as easy as pie. You will feel as if you had been deserted, as if nobody could take with them a part of your heavy load.

In order to help yourself, you may need to write down for yourself a strategic plan to move on with your life.

Your kids are rather small and probably they won't understand everything that is going on. But you must try to tell them, with specific wording, what made you in the first place follow this or that way.

Don't talk ill about their mother. If anything, tell them there she and you are incompatible people ("it took a long time for me to realize this") and that she has so many issues to solve within her own life that the best arrangement is for them to be with you.

Don't treat your kids as if they were your allies, but try to make them an important part of your life and give them tasks around the house, so that they won't be idle.

Look after your personal health: yours and your kids'. This must be a priority. Read about health foods, exercise, healthy sleeping, etc, and try to motivate your kids with these things. You don't have to lecture them, but simply show to them the advantages of pursuing a healthy body and lifestyle.

They will be hurt to be separated from their mother, so, while you must not spoil them, they must be given a compensation. Probably they will mature earlier than other kids (because mom won't be around), but the important thing is to avoid their being resentful. That's where sports (and being healthy and fit) enter the picture.

And always be honest with them.

They will be hurt on the one hand, but on the other hand, children are often resilient, that is, they can get over it sooner than you expect. I hope your wife won't really sabotage your efforts.

In fact, it seems you should not entertain any hopes about her. Infidelity and dishonesty (greed) are very hard to overlook. Perhaps when she grows older, she can recover from these evils, but then she, hopefully, will have no other emotional meaning for you.

What you have ahead of you are very manly tasks. Probably you are not ready for all of them. You are liable to fall down now and then, so please be gentle with yourself. You will eventually learn by error and trial.

You could perhaps join a group of single or divorced fathers and meet pther men in the same situation. You will see that it is not the end of the world.

Take care. Hope this will help you a little.

JC
[QUOTE=Josť Carlos]Hello

Like the first poster, I have no experience with bipolar disorder, but I gather that your wife (or ex-wife) is betraying the treatment, for how can anyone on meds drink alcohol and have no guilty conscience about it?

The title of your post is about "the right thing to do". I am not sure there is one RIGHT thing to do, but probably there is one BEST thing to do.

I think there are many questions unsaid and unanswered in your post. Here are some of them:

1. Should I have any hopes about my wife?
[COLOR="Blue"]It has been three years and each time it goes back to the way it was [/COLOR]

2. Shall I be able to raise the kids by myself?
[COLOR="blue"]this does scare me but the more I work on the plan the easeier it is to see it working. My mom has MS but the kids are old enough now that they could stay there for a couple of hours at a time.[/COLOR]

3. What if I am given the custody of the kids, and she keeps bribing them, exerting a bad influence upon them?
[COLOR="blue"]not sure what you mean by this and is it something I could teach the kidz to look out for?[/COLOR]

4. What if I find a new partner, a new wife? Will the boys accept her? Will she accept the boys?
[COLOR="blue"] I have hopes that there is someone out there, but have no one in mind. I got alot of things to get organized and it would just be make it header to focus on getting my life in order for now.[/COLOR]

5. Will the boys look up to me as their father or will they keep incriminating me for having abandoned their mother?
[COLOR="blue"]I think they respect me now I hope it will continue[/COLOR]

Etc...

I sense (and I am sorry for you) that you are going through a very thorny moment in your life. You are probably afraid, unsure of yourself and in doubt. Whatever you do from now on won't be as easy as pie. You will feel as if you had been deserted, as if nobody could take with them a part of your heavy load.

In order to help yourself, you may need to write down for yourself a strategic plan to move on with your life.
[COLOR="blue"]I love this idea. something to be there as a guide.[/COLOR]

Your kids are rather small and probably they won't understand everything that is going on. But you must try to tell them, with specific wording, what made you in the first place follow this or that way.
[COLOR="blue"]I plan on doing this this weekend withthe help of there mother.[/COLOR]

Don't talk ill about their mother. If anything, tell them there she and you are incompatible people ("it took a long time for me to realize this") and that she has so many issues to solve within her own life that the best arrangement is for them to be with you.

Don't treat your kids as if they were your allies, but try to make them an important part of your life and give them tasks around the house, so that they won't be idle.

Look after your personal health: yours and your kids'. This must be a priority. Read about health foods, exercise, healthy sleeping, etc, and try to motivate your kids with these things. You don't have to lecture them, but simply show to them the advantages of pursuing a healthy body and lifestyle.

[COLOR="blue"]this one will be difficult but I am glad you said it. I have been a picky/poor eater all my life. never did much with sports as a kid. so it's hard to show my kidz how most games are played. but I love to play Table Tennis, golf and bowl as an adult. I know its not much but it keeps my mind off other things for awhile.[/COLOR]

They will be hurt to be separated from their mother, so, while you must not spoil them, they must be given a compensation. Probably they will mature earlier than other kids (because mom won't be around), but the important thing is to avoid their being resentful. That's where sports (and being healthy and fit) enter the picture.


And always be honest with them.

They will be hurt on the one hand, but on the other hand, children are often resilient, that is, they can get over it sooner than you expect. I hope your wife won't really sabotage your efforts.
[COLOR="blue"]She has hired a lawyer and she has asked if we could do a joint custody. any advice on whether I should go with the joint or go in to it for full custody? I know what I want but it will be hard to stand my ground.[/COLOR]

In fact, it seems you should not entertain any hopes about her. Infidelity and dishonesty (greed) are very hard to overlook. Perhaps when she grows older, she can recover from these evils, but then she, hopefully, will have no other emotional meaning for you.

What you have ahead of you are very manly tasks. Probably you are not ready for all of them. You are liable to fall down now and then, so please be gentle with yourself. You will eventually learn by error and trial.
[COLOR="blue"]thanks you, I worry that I won't do some things right. I need to understand I can't get everything right the 1st time.[/COLOR]

You could perhaps join a group of single or divorced fathers and meet pther men in the same situation. You will see that it is not the end of the world.

[COLOR="blue"]my counseler asked 2 weeks ago if I would be interested in a group and I told her today I would be at next weeks meeting[/COLOR]

Take care. Hope this will help you a little.
[COLOR="blue"]It was like you knew more about what was all going on in my life or maybe looking over my shoulder WOW!. Your post has been so helpful. thanks again TT [/COLOR]
[COLOR="Blue"]don't hesitate to add anything else if you think of something.[/COLOR]

JC[/QUOTE]





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