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Okay, where to start? Apple, I started reading this thread cause some of the things you say was how I was with my boyfriend at the start. Now I don't know you, nor your boyfriend, but there is certainly one thing that I am picking up on. Whether you really love him or not, I feel that the only person sabotaging this relationship is YOU. I also feel that you are the one being more than a little bit selfish. Not all people are the same. Not all people can express themselves well. He may be the type that shows you, rather than tells you that he loves you. And from some of the things you say about him (the good things) he is trying his best to do that. But that's not good enough for you. You want what you want (to hear him say it) and will not be happy otherwise. I would be highly hesitant to tell someone I loved them if they emotionally blackmailed me into doing it, and then broke up with me everytime they didn't get their own way... which to me is exactly what you are doing. You want a serious adult relationship, but you are not doing anything to contribute to that yourself. If you were to be in a serious relationhip with him, how are you going to handle the REALLY tough stuff that life throws your way? Will you continue to beat him down and hurt him every time he does not comply to the way you want things? Look there may be stuff I don't know about.... but I am trying to get you to see the destructive role that you yourself are playing. I'm not saying it's all your fault, cause there is always blame on both sides... but what I am saying is that if you don't change your own ways, he will get tired of being manipulated and leave anyway, whether he loved you or not. Honestly, from your own behaviour with him, it's really not showing alot of love for him or respect for his feelings either. YOU might be able to verbalise it, but I doubt from your actions he'd be believing or feeling it.

You can either accept that he is not ready to verbalise his feelings and enjoy him showing you in other ways (and I have no doubt at all that he has very strong feelings for you... otherwise he would not keep going through all of this with you) until he feels confident enough to tell you, or you can cut your losses and run cause you feel he is not worth it. Have you ever considered that maybe he wants to tell you in his own time cause he thinks if he says it when YOU want him too you might not even believe him and it will open up a whole new can of worms? Regardless, from the things I have read, this guy is not being overly selfish and really hasn't done anything wrong. If it bothers you so much that he can't tell you right now (and that is entirely your decision - nothing wrong with that), then you guys are just on different wavelengths and maybe it's better to just end it as friends. The best piece of advice I have ever been given... is that just cause your partner doesn't want the exact same things as you when you want them, doesn't make them a bad person, and doesn't make them wrong. It just means someones gotta compromise if you really love them and want it to work. Understand that he is a seperate person from you, with different thoughts, feelings, views... and they may not always be in line with your own. That's every relationship for you.

I too have been to hell and back with my boyfriend of 8 years. I persisted when some might have ran. I was patient when I had to be. I learned to compromise. I sacrificed when I had to, and asked him to when I needed to. It didn't always go my way. It didn't always go his either. I learned to trust he loved me, even when we were fighting and sometimes say hurtful things. I learned that sometimes things don't always go to plan, and I can't sit around sulking if it didn't. Just be thankful for what I DID have, not what I didn't have. And I also learned that you can't force things. They either come naturally, or not at all.

And yesterday, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. Yes I would have liked it years ago. But our efforts in our relationship have paid off. It doesn't mean we will live happily every after. There will still be good times and bad to get through. There will be arguments, hurtful moments etc. But if you learn to deal with them in the right way, you save yourself a whole lot of hurt and set yourself up for the best possible chance.

My advice... well only you know what you will and won't put up with. But you can't change him, and you can't force him... and you are only pushing him away by trying to make him. Decide if you love him enough to stick with him and wait for him to be ready to say it (whilst in the meantime having fun and enjoying the way he SHOWS you how much you mean to him). If you decide that you do want to stay with him, let go of all the doubts and insecurities and enjoy being in a loving relationship. Show him what a lucky guy he really is... be happy. And the rest will come naturally over time. But who would you rather be with... a whinging nagging girlfriend who is trying to force you into something.... or a happy, fun loving and caring girlfriend?

In the big scheme of life, these are petty little arguments. Treat him only how you would like to be treated yourself, then you will never beat yourself up or have any regrets. If you feel you can not do any of that, save yourselves both the heartache (cause yes it hurts him too), and leave it be.

Best of luck to you. Please don't think I am coming down on you, you do seem to love him very much.... but your behaviour is only causing YOU more grief than is necessary. And no, you don't deserve that.

Give yourself some time to calm down, and then ask yourself what it is YOU really want, and what is more important to YOU?
yeah...thats kind of like slapping up a big sign on your website that says "My boyfriend isn't good enough".

Imagine how that would feel if he posted that on HIS website.

I agree with the others. I think there is some kind of underlying insecurity you have here (which is OK- as we all do), and you feel better when you can break your boyfriend down and push him to be something he's not...because in that way, its not you that is the problem.

But I think that your boyfriend just may not be the type of person to be able to be as expressive as you would want, or tell you he loves you all the time, etc. By the fact that hes still sticking around after the numerous times that youve hinted that he isnt doing what you want...well, that should say something right there.

Do you ever compliment him for things that he DOES do that you like? Otherwise, the reason why you may be feeling unhappy is because (for lack of better expression) you started making a 'mountain of a molehill' (hahahah) from the beginning, and this guy just feels like he can't win. I may be completely off here, I havent read your entire thread...but thats just what it seems to me, or at least a possibility to consider.

I used to be in a relationship with a guy who broke me down b/c I was never his top priority (nor 2, 3, or 4 for that matter) but he was always mine. As a result, I tended to be needier than I wanted to be because he just wasnt giving me the reassurance that we loved each other the same. Turns out, I was right, hahaha but thats another story. I had felt insecure somewhat halfway through our relationship for a lot of reasons having to do with him, but the more I made a big deal about it, the more frustrated he felt...and when you feel frustrated and like you're never enough, you stop wanting to try, you know?

(Not that Im defending him). But my point is, we just werent right for each other. We truly didnt love each other the same. I loved him more, I lived differently and with different priorities than him. I need my boyfriend to be expressive, and to be able to talk about how he feels, etc. If you are the same, and you feel you arent getting what you want (which is what it seems to me), then perhaps rather than trying to force it out of him, which will only backfire imo, then maybe its time to reexamine this and be alone for awhile. Hes right- he seems as though he is trying to build and work toward what you want...but its not all about you. It takes two. I dont know how hes been hurtful as you have mentioned he has been, and I dont want to sound like Im taking sides. But that is just what I see from your description of your problem.
Hope this helps.

*btw- your posts seem eerily similar to someone that used these boards under a different name a while back. I wont ask...but if you are the same person, it might be helpful for you to go back under your old posts under that name and read the advice you were given, and especially the advice you gave others. ESPECIALLY if this is the same guy that you were breaking up with back then. I find that sometime a little self-reflection can give us the answer we need and allow us not to make the same mistakes again. And if you have no idea what Im talking about, sorry about that!





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