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Hello Everyone,

Here's my situation....

I met my wife 3 years about, and when a so called male "friend" of hers found out that we were dating he decided that was a good time to reveal all of his feelings for her. Of course that caused problems, but we overcame them, eventually got engaged, got married, had a baby.

After we got married, for the first few months he felt from time to time to find any excuse to e-mail her. Usually it was more for a special occasion or heck a National holiday. Time continued to pass in that first year, and from my understanding, there was really no contact at all.

Now lets fast forward into year two of our marriage where things get more interesting. We had a few problems like any other married couple, she went back to work after maternity leave, I was having trouble finding a new job as I lost mine shortly after we got married. This was a major issue for her. It wasn't lack of trying on my part, it was just bad luck. Instead of looking at the positive that she at least had a job, we had money coming in, she looked at the negative. "Oh poor me, I have to go to work". Well it could have been worse. Anyways, when she went back to work in the early part of this year, she got back in contact with this guy. I am under the impression that she likely made the contact. I didn't find about until a month after she got in contact with him. I came across this info accidently. She left her e-mail open, and there it all was. And it wasn't her regular e-mail account, it was a brand new account she created. Obviously it was done to be secretive. So I went in & read all the e-mails that we sent back & forth. She couldn't have tried to paint a worse picture of me, and this guy jumped all over it. Said he wish he did more back a few years ago to be with her, shouldn't have given up on her when we were together whether it be engaged or when we got pregnant, etc, he wanted to take care of her & MY child! What a piece of you know what.

I followed the e-mails at this account for a few months, never anything explicit said or sexually or any intimate type of conversations. It was just more of what I said above. However they stopped abruptly after a few months. I was very surprised, and then one day when I cruised upon *******, well looky looky what I found there. Both created pages so they could exchange e-mails there, and leave "cute" messages on each others main page of the site. He wote very detailed blogs about his love & feelings for her. All of what he wish he had done differently, etc. He had pictures up of himself on his site, she would write responses under each saying how sexy he is, and other little comments of that nature.

This all had a major affect on our marriage. For one, her bahviour become atrocious. Very emotionally, mentally & a few times phycially abusive towards me. I of course because of what I knew, couldn't even talk to her or act around her the way I normally would. Plus I couldn't talk to her about it because, she would know that I snooped. Though it was unintentional, I did none the less. There was such tension as you could imagine. I didn't know what to do.

I decided to be the bigger person, I just took it. I took it all! I took any abuse, any mistreating, anything negative. I did it all for our child. Our child didn't deserve any of this, and I wasn't going to break up our home. This innocent child deserved it's mommy & daddy. It was breaking my heart that she was getting caught in the middle of this, even though obviously she had no idea. Too young, not even barely above a year old by this point.

Moving along, I finally got a job.... I thought maybe that would change things. Perhaps, that would change her focus. Of course she was happy, but they still communicate. We got a new car after needing one for so long, I thought that would make her happy, and it did, but they still communicate.

HOW DO I STOP THIS????? I have found myself even more untrusting of her than I was when I intitally found things out. I think what more do I have to do here???!!! Everything she wanted to happen has happened. New job, new car, we are moving forward to saving for a house, etc. Is it just pure selfishness on her part? Does she think she is doing nothing wrong? Am I over reacting? I find myself thinking about this almost everyday. It stops me obviously from wanting to be intimate with her. I do it out of obligation, out of shutting her up, etc. I feel like I am prostituting myself to her in a round about way.

Even inspite of all this, I generally do whatever she asks. I do what I can to keep the peace. She has a very volitaile personality. In spite of that, I do what I can to keep her happy, make her smile, make he laugh, etc. Why can't I get that in return? She does it in other ways, but I want it in one way. I want ot be the only guy! I am her husband for crying out loud! The father of our child! I deserve to be the only man in her life! Am I being unreasonable?

Also, I want to confront her about everything I have known for months & months, but don't know how to. Any advice there? Should I even bother? Has it been too long? Will it make things worse? Better? Send her directly to him? Help her breaks things off with him? I know that is alot of questions, but that is why I struggle with what to do.

Bottom line is I do love her or I wouldn't have put up with things & the hurt it has caused me for as long as I have if I didn't. I love our child, and I love our family. I want to grow old with her, eventually expand our family but I need a resolution to this.

Alot of people reading this probably think I am nuts for wanting to still move forward, but it's a concious decision I have made because I do love her. I know that 100% within myself. I just need to know & find a way to eliminate this MAJOR problem.... this guy!

Thanks for letting me vent her, any comments & solutions would be very appreciated!

Big Beefcake
Dear BBC,

After reading your post, I'm wondering why would one would put up with such abuse, but you're right, your child is in the middle of all of this and I commend you for being unselfish for her sake. I think more parents should stop and think before they speak, or do anything for the sake of their children. But unfortunately, there are a lot of selfish parents out there.

I feel sorry for you because of the situation you are in. I'm afraid the only way your wife would stop is to divulge what you know about the whole "emotional affair" , a new term being thrown around. It's been going on for as long as people have been alive, it's just haven't had a politically correct term. Again, I'd posted in many posts, why do people do this to each other? In this case, a man is trying to have a married woman physically cheat.

If I were the wife who's emotionally cheating, I'd be afraid of my husband finding out. The excitement is in the secracy. A lot of people thrive in the whole secrecy of things, the thrill of having this "unknown" affair.

I saw something like this once with my Aunt and Uncle. My Aunt was having a weekly "coffee" meeting with a male co-worker a long time ago. She was already married at the time and w/ no children. She babysat me a few times back then. She even took me to one of her meetings with her "friend" to that coffee shop. I think I was about 10 or 11, old enough to sense that they're not just friends and they have more emotional investment in this friendship. To make a long story short, I happen to accidentally mention the meeting to my Uncle one day when he picked me up from school to take me to a family dinner party. In the car, I could sense he was getting angry and was gripping the steering wheel much harder than he normally would. he asked me many questions, I told him all I could remember. At the time, I didn't know I was doing anything incriminating. I was a kid, what do I know. He played it cool with my Aunt. He didn't go into the rampage or even angry with her. He happen to casually mention what he knows after he went to the coffee shop to see thngs for himself. He just mentioned what he knew and that was it. He didn't say to stop seeing him, he didn't threaten her with a divorce or separation, he didn't do anything that would make her want to run back to her friend and make my Uncle look like the bad guy. My Uncle difused the excitement the two of them were doing. My Uncle just sat back and let her know that he knows... even though it was tearing him up inside. I recall one night when my Uncle and Grandfather were getting drunk in the tv room and my Uncle was crying. I don't remember how long it took for my Aunt to stop, but eventually, she stopped having coffee with her friend. Soon after that, their marriage seemed to get better and they had my three cousins.

I don't know if my story has made any sense to you, but most people who put themselves in this situation thinks they're missing "something" in their marriage. My Aunt never went beyond talking with her friend and your wife seems to be in that same boat. Just let your wife know CALMLY that you know what's going on without going into details. Maybe write a heartfelt, loving letter and casually leave it on your dresser and take your baby out to the park or something so she can have a private moment to read and be afraid that you know what's going on between them. And when you return, act calmly and be your normal self. She will still run to her friend, but soon, she will stop and think about what they're doing. All along, her friend will still make you the bad person and he'll run with this whole thing, but a poster once made a comment in this board, "CREAM RISES TO THE TOP". Don't loose your cool. She will realize soon that what she's doing is wrong, she'll appreciate you more, she'll see your beautiful life and think, what am I doing to my family? I can't guarantee that this would work, but this is similar to what my Uncle did. He allowed my Aunt to come to her senses without his demands. You know your wife, how would she react to a situation like what my Uncle did?

Let us know how you're doing. You're a rare gem BBC. Most men would have left or hit or done something much less of a man that you are.

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