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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi Tyger,

Your situation sounds very grueling as well. That is one thing I have never understood about people- how you can be madly in love with someone, yet not be with them. That is where I have trouble in relationships, because I am a very 'all-or-nothing' person, and so many people aren't. So I can understand how maddening it must be, that you guys have this amazing chemistry and then he can go hurt you the way he did, and also succumb to his mother.
May I ask what the siutation is with his mother anyway? Its OK if you don't want to get into it, it just may help me answer your question about telling him you still love him.
Well, last night I had a nice night in Barnes and Noble and I bought some books...and I actually entered the 'self-improvement' section for the first time in my life, all for the sole purpose of looking into the book "Why Men Love B**ches". It is so often recommended on this forum, and usually I scoff (I hate to admit it, but I do) and think, why do you need to pay these people more money to tell you some inspirational bs that they swear will 'change your life'.
But I swear, I couldnt put this down. I read the whole thing in 5 hours last night (with breaks of course). From like, 7-2 am. Pathetic, yes, but hey it was eye-opening.
So after reading that, I have taken on a HUGELY different perspective overnight, one that I have been trying to get to in awhile and just havent known how. And I havent realized just how 'nice' and 'sweet' I am, nor how burned I am getting by everyone because I am so nice and sweet. As much as I can be a 'bit**', I have this strong fear that I will get hurt again. Therefore I am compensating. That is the biggest no-no of the book, and I never even thought that I was doing a bad thing. Every time the author compared a 'nice girl' (the NO example) to the 'bit**' (the BE LIKE THIS example), I was always what NOT to be, hahaha. For the most part anyway.
Anyway, with that said, I think based on this book and my general opinion overall is that, if you want to go after your ex again and tell him that you love him, than by all means. I am 110% for being honest with yourself and acting how you see fit. But how serious is he getting with this religious girl? I wouldnt want to break up a potential serious relationship, just to find that he becomes unhappy again, or the mother meddles again, and then not only are you alone AGAIN, but now you've hurt some little innocent girl (not that we owe her any favors, but you know what I mean).
Also, the book very strongly puts an emphasis on WHAT YOU WANT and what you KNOW YOU DESERVE. And not changing that for anyone, not even the most desirable man in the world. Because a man will respect you more for it. Ive always had a problem with that...living in that romantic, fantasy-world as I said that I do, it is easy for me to just be giving, sweet, a 'prize' in my mind by being extra amazing to a guy...and typically he's a nice guy, so I rationalize it to myself that he deserves it. But I don't really know that! Then in the end it fizzles, and then I wonder why they start treating me differently and that I dont want to continue seeing them. Hellooooo! Im being too 'nice'. I felt like this giant light bulb went off in my head.
As for your ex, I feel like you coming onto him and telling him you love him might set you up for some major additional heartbreak. What an ego-boost that would be for him, plus shouldn't he be chasing after you? Instead of the ugly girl and the religious girl? Part of me really does think that if he wants to be with you, he would, despite his mother. At the same time, what do you have to lose? I can see that side, too. I also dont really know the mother story...so maybe I shouldnt advise you of anything. But I can also guarantee you that the reason that you cant get over your ex is that you still are in contact with him (and sleeping with him, haha forgot that little detail ;)). I learned this past year that whoever wrote that song 'All You Need is Love' should be shot. It is so not true. It sounds as though your ex is majorly attracted to you, loves you on some level, and that you have major chemistry...but it isn't enough, because he is not with you. And, just from 'typing' to you for a few days, I can already tell that you deserve soooo much better.
Anyway that is my pep talk. Take it for what its worth, because I know everyone's relationship dynamic is different and sometimes I dont know what I talking about. But I know, for me, if a guy didnt want to be with me, then I would have to get over him...because I wouldnt be able to allow myself to still want him when he didnt want me, you know? I don't know if im strong enough to never get over someone. THe hardest part is still truly believing that he wants you, and since hes still giving you those signs from time to time, its hard to ignore that belief. But I really think maybe that 'full stop' with guys is a good idea. I did that for a bit (or, tried to). It really did help me center. Now what I am doing is really trying to focus on me, and just me. I would suggest cutting out your ex for a while, no matter how much it hurts. It will be better for you in the end, believe me!!
As for me, the 'one-month guy' that I thought I had this great connection with...well, lets just say he outright told me that he would wait for the weekend to respond to my email 'properly'. Guess what? Never responded. So screw him! Haha. That isn't good enough for me. You don't go on and on about 'keeping in touch' and how you're so disappointed that things cant continue b/c you really liked me, and then never email me back. Stupid boy. So that is just more ammunition toward my belief that I just need to focus on ME and forget about being upset about these guys. Im just drained.
Anyway, you can tell Im in a matter-of-fact mood tonight! Feel free to type your feelings.





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