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Torture
Nov 12, 2006
I feel like the only option that I have right now is to somehow turn my heart into a block of ice. How EASY everything would be if I just didn't care, didn't feel. Then nothing whatsoever would be wrong. Instead, I'm tortured night and day by every conceivable emotion...guilt, sadness, happiness, sorrow, excitement, anger. Ugh.

(WARNING: GIANT CLICHE AHEAD) As some may remember, I'm in love with the wrong, wrong by a lot, person. My boyfriend's best friend. Yeah, ugh. I hate having such a cliche problem. I hate being in a category with those people on talk shows who are just sleeping with their SO's friends and family members left and right.

This whole situation SUCKS, it sucks SO MUCH and I just don't know which way is up anymore. I'm not trying to set myself up as the victim here, but I did kind of get pulled into a craptastic situation. When I met my boyfriend two and a half years ago, he was living with the above-mentioned friend. Ironically, in the beginning I didn't even like his friend, in fact there was a period where I refused to be in the same room as him. Here's where the irony really starts kicking in - I thought they were too close and it annoyed me how co-dependent they seemed, so I tried to get my boyfriend to distance himself from his friend.

However, my boyfriend pleaded with me to give his friend a chance (snort) and slowly I came around and stopped being such a huge pain in the butt. The three of us were together all of the time...and then three months into our relationship, my boyfriend comes out of nowhere and asks if I want to have a threesome with his friend. Color me shocked. I was like, "Let me think about this...no." He kept pleading with me, and seriously wanted me to go downstairs and bring his friend up. Now, at first I thought he was trying to test me just to see if I would go along with it, and then if I did, he'd dump me. But no, he was serious.

After he finally saw that I wasn't up for it, he apologized profusely and said he hoped it wouldn't hurt our relationship. I was creeped out for a little while, but then things returned to normal. However, over the next several months, he kept on bringing it up, and I kept on turning it down. But then, something unexpected crept up on me out of nowhere - I started thinking Andrew (the friend) was cute. Really cute. At first I was upset and disgusted with myself for even thinking like that. But then I started thinking, well if my boyfriend wants me to [I]sleep[/I] with him, then he probably wants me to think he's cute, right? Nothing wrong with that.

So I was soon about to entire the twilight zone in a big way. Now with my own interests at heart, I finally agreed to my boyfriend's tawdry proposal. He was elated. At the time I wasn't even aware of what was really going on. It took me almost a year to put two and two together. Because my boyfriend would make these half-joking comments about how I'd probably run off with Andrew some day, and I thought to myself, "Okay, if you don't want me to run off with him, why are you literally pushing me into his arms?" ***arre. I kid you not, he had some kind of obsession with me and Andrew, and was constantly telling me I should seduce him, that we should sleep in Andrew's bed when he wasn't home, and all kinds of strange things that may have annoyed someone less dense than myself.

Then all of the pieces fell into place. Maybe it shouldn't have taken as long as it did, but I'm a little slow on the uptake. Come to find out, it really wasn't that my boyfriend wanted me to sleep with Andrew - HE wanted to sleep with Andrew, and was hoping I would be the conduit. And that was the idea all along. And even after he fell in love with me, which he admitted he never thought he would do, he still offered me up, like a sacrificial lamb, to Andrew in hopes that I would clear a path, so to speak.

(Just as an aside, it turns out that both guys are bi-sexual, but I don't think Andrew is interested in my boyfriend that way).

I would have been upset, but I had already fallen hard for Andrew and cracked my head open in the process. I tried to get away from him, and for about the first five months of this year I stopped seeing him. He and my boyfriend moved into their own separate places, so it was kind of easy. But I thought about Andrew every day. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and got back into contact with him. And, well, we've been having an affair since August. Classy, I know.

I have no idea why this is, but he is the only person that makes me happy. When I'm around him there is no place on Earth that I would rather be. And I fully realized something that I think I knew in my heart all along - that I have only stayed with my boyfriend so long because I don't want to lose Andrew. I have thought many times that the right thing to do is to try and forget all about Andrew and just concentrate on the relationship with my boyfriend. But when I try to do that, it doesn't work, mostly because my boyfriend is a big time drug user and that really annoys me. I could never be happy with him. And we would not have made it nearly this far if not for Andrew.

I really don't like to be deceptive. Last night I told my boyfriend that I wanted to break up. I told him I was sleeping with someone else, but of course I won't tell him who. And he refuses to let me break up with him. I mean, he can't stop me, but he isn't making it easy. And you know what, I still gave in and agreed to give the relationship another chance...knowing all along it's just because I'm not ready to lose Andrew yet.

I've never loved anyone so much in my life, and I have tried for years to stop it, but it keeps on busting through. I cannot understand why I feel this way. The worst part is that I know he doesn't feel the same way. I don't know why he even fools around with me. He is really scared that I am going to try to leave my boyfriend for him. I am not stupid, I would never do that. It really hurts when he tells me not to fall in love with him, because I already am, and have been for years. But I do understand, and I would never in a million years expect or want him to give up what he does. (He and the boyfriend are in the same band), plus they've been friends for a long time before I ever came on the scene.

Still, what a crappy thing to feel so much for someone and not be able to do anything about it - you just have to keep stuffing the love down inside of yourself. The only option that I really have is to move on from both of them. But why do I have to CARE so much? I could just keep up my act with my boyfriend, who's been buying it this long, and just keep on seeing Andrew on the sly. Why do I have to worry about being a crappy person? My boyfriend won't give up using drugs for me, so why should I give up anything for him? :mad: Or so I tell myself.

I walk around in this miserable daze all of the time, and the only time I feel alive is when I'm around Andrew. Even if we're on opposite sides of the same room, I can barely contain my excitement. He just has to look at me and my whole body turns to mush. But all of the happiness is of course tempered by the fact that I know what I'm doing is wrong, it's hurtful. How unfair to finally find a person that makes you feel alive and carefree, but they're really not allowed to.

Now I feel like I just have to stop seeing Andrew completely, which makes me sad because without him I'm so listless. And my boyfriend is not a comfort, obviously. I really wonder what our relationship would have been like had he never pushed me toward Andrew. I wonder what would have happened. But it's too late for that now.

I don't know. Maybe when you find somebody and feel like you can't live without them...maybe it really means that you should. :(





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