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[QUOTE=ladyjustice]Hi everyone, I have been with my boyfriend now for a little more than 2 years. An issue that has always bugged me throughout our relationship is that he is still friends with his ex. They broke up about four years ago and they had been friends for a long time before they started dating. Anyways, they went out for about 2 and a half years but then she cheated on him. They still remained friends afterwards.

I don't know why this bugs me so much. I mean, he tells me all the time he loves me. He hasn't actually seen his ex in a few years (they live in different states) but they do talk on the phone every now and then. I know my fears are a bit irrational, but I just don't like the fact that he is still friends with her and that they call each other up. I told him that I would prefer that he doesn't call her but that he just talk to her when she calls him.

Right now, we're temporarily doing the long distance thing. I am in California and he is Illinois, but hopefully he will be able to move out here in a few months. I don't know why I feel so threatened by this friendship that he has with her. I know they were really close friends before (probably best friends) before they started dating.

He reassures me a lot that I have nothing to worry about, and that he is with me and loves me and wouldn't want to get back together with her. Then why do I feel so insecure? How do I deal with this w/o always wondering if he's calling her or vice versa? My biggest worry is that if they talk enough his old feelings will come back for her or vice versa. Since I've never met his ex before I don't know what her intentions are. I know she is dating someone right now, but who knows if she has any lingering feelings for my bf? Am I just being totally paranoid? How do I deal with this? :confused:[/QUOTE]

I think you have nothing to worry about.But if you feel that strongly about it just tell him you can't except it and that he must drop all communication with her.I'd be willing to bet that he was a very good to friend to her, and she had called him probably to talk to when she was upset about something.A good friend can help you see "the other side" some times that is hard to see. If she is a true friend of his she will respect "you" his girlfriend and never call him anymore.I really think you should tell him how you feel.
Personally I would never do anything to hurt a male friend of mines relationship that he had with his girlfriend and I would not call him and upset her like that.That is just wrong.And any true friend would respect the "girlfriends" feelings.
Here is a thought that I don't think i read yet, and maybe a perspective from the other side of the issue. In my case, my ex-wife and i were together a total of 13 years. We met early in college and were best of friends for probably 12 of those years. Why it ended and why we let it fail is a whole other post. We occasionally communicate, mainly by test msg and e-mail...rarely by phone. The conversation is usu. about family, our divided pets, work, sports, etc. The relationship/marraige is never discussed (a mutual agreement). A year and a half after we split, I visited her for a week (she is in NM now, I'm still in IA) just to see if we could work things out. A week isn't a long time, but I could tell things just weren't clicking. We had a good time, but there was no spark. We are both doing better with how things are now. It is a situation that we both would have liked for things to work, but we realized it wasn't going to happen. We are better off apart, eventhough we were such good friends and were still able to enjoy each other when we did get together for a while. At times I miss her...meaning the friend in her. Looking back, our marriage seemed too plutonic to succeed, but it was still good living with my best friend. I wouldn't want to go back to the way it was. I'm so happy with how I feel now as well as being ecstatic about my girlfriend...she seems to be a much better fit overall.

What i'm getting at is it is hard to drop a friend cold turkey, especially if they were friends before the relationship. There is obviously a reason they went back to being friends after a relationship, and before you came along. I think you are justified in asking him not to call her, and he should do so out of respect for you. But some of the dynamics I explained about my ex-wife and I may apply to their situation. I think it is a good sign that he tells you about their contact. As others have said, don't let your insecurities drive a wedge between the two of you, because it will in time...trust me, i've been there also with another girl and she drove me nuts with her own (meaning about herself) insecurities.

Best wishes and I hope all works out for you!





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