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Hi people;

Soulster said: "Forget your emotional sanity... you need to get a good dose of self respect"

Now I know some of the people on here experiencing strong lingering feelings for old flames may be likely to find that remark a bit cutting, but I have to say I'm in full agreement with it. I'll give you some perspective here from the other side of the fence. I'm someone who's had my partners ex (of ten years) turn up and try her damndest to get back with her ex (my boyfriend of over four years). Now, I'm going to be very frank here;

I don’t have THE SLIGHTEST SHRED of respect for that woman’s behaviour. You may think this is down to jealousy and I'll hold my hand up on that front, there was a degree of jealousy when I found out what had gone on, I wouldn’t be human if there wasn’t, but my disrespectful feelings are not connected to jealousy, I can honestly say. I disrespect her because she begged and pleaded, by her actions, to be treated like dirt. Here's the story;

She met my man twelve years ago. They spent about two years together and in that time became engaged. He ended the relationship because, in his words (get ready for it!) he "wasnt attracted enough to her to imagine she'd be the only woman he'd ever sleep with again"! Of course he didn’t tell her the real reason, he didn’t want to insult her on top of causing her the inevitable hurt he'd cause by breaking off the engagement, so he just told her he couldn’t go through with it, and they broke up.

Of course I asked him why, if they were his true feelings, he'd ever gotten engaged in the first place. The answer is long and complicated, so I wont repeat it all here (besides the fact that this is other peoples personal history I'm talking about here, and as much as I disrespect her behaviour, I do respect both his and her right not to have their history plastered up for all to see on the internet) But the bones of it was this; she'd had a lot of problems, they'd started out as friends and it had escalated, he had a deep fondness for her and allowed himself to get carried along by her wants and desires. Stupid of him, BIG-TIME stupid, but in his defence; who out there hasn’t been stupid at least once in their lives?

Anyway, as I said, he broke it off; she was devastated. They didnt see eachother for a long while (six/seven years) and then they ran into eachother about six months into our relationship. When he told me he'd ran into his ex fiancée I didnt have a problem with them seeing eachother for a few drinks now and then (because they were meeting in company, they had another friend in common who he'd also reconnected with when he met her, but also because I knew WHY they’d split – she hardly seemed like a threat in those circumstances!) Anyway, cutting a long story short, despite how reassured I felt, they slept with eachother behind my back.

In the aftermath of that, apparently she assumed that the drunken night they'd spent in bed meant he'd come running back to her in the realisation of what a dreadful mistake he'd made all those years ago - while the reality was he regretted their drunken bang from the moment he woke up beside her with the hangover from hell! The little details that came out since are unbelievable! (by the way, I didnt get to hear about this until two years ago, 18 months after it happened. I was devastated and it lead to us splitting temporarily) Apparently she'd picked hairs of mine from his pillow and let them drop to the floor with this sad look on her face (my hair is long and black, hers is long and blond, so there'd have been no mistaking who's hair belonged to who'!) She continued to express her disappointment in various strange little ways and when she realised that he had no intention of giving her a repeat performance, and also that he was going to the ends of the earth to make sure I'd never find out about it, she broke her own heart all over again. She went a bit crazy, calling him at all hours of day and night, texting strings of texts in a row, and just generally behaving like your typical neurotic scorned woman - Glenn Close Fatal Attraction style!

Now, I know my man treated her badly, I'm not trying to paint him as any kind of saint; and believe me, the fact that he treated me badly in all of that didnt escape my attention either! Do I hate him for it? At the time, yes; but not anymore. We all know what men are like, a few drinks and a naked woman begging for sex.. But at the end of the day, she was someone who was told the situation ten years ago, couldn’t or wouldn’t accept it, just refused to move on and instead came back begging for more.

This is why I have no respect for this womans behaviour. She made herself into a doormat and clearly has no respect for herself – so why should I? I'd break any mans face for even THINKING about treating me like that. The refusal to marry me ten years ago would have been enough for me - never mind coming back begging for a change of mind a decade after the fact! Then making a nuisance of herself with constant pleading texts and calls..

I should add that my man and his ex bumped into eachother quite by accident; if I'd found out that she'd tracked him down deliberately I'd have even less respect for her (which would be difficult!) I think that sort of 'scavenging in the past' type behaviour is totally pathetic, just really REALLY sad. It smacks of someone who dosent have any kind of life and is looking to find one in the ghosts of her yesteryears. Also, and I sincerely mean this; in the case that there are wives and children involved, I think a woman who goes looking for an ex and stays in touch after she finds out there's a wife involved should really get herself some professional help in building self esteem, as she clearly cannot cultivate it on her own.

I think the people on this thread who are still pining for people donkeys years after the split really need to realise when it's LONG – PAST - TIME - TO MOVE ON!! There was a reason my man and his ex split up, just as there was a reason I split with all my ex's, and that reason was because - IT - DIDNT - WORK!!! She and my man had their chance - it DIDN’T WORK, and throwing herself at his feet years after the fact begging and pleading just exposed her as pathetic, both to me AND to him. He has since told me that he's actually embarrassed for her.

Dont make the same mistake in your own lives; if it didnt work it didnt work for a reason and you need to realise when, as I said, it's long past time to move on.

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