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Hi Ken,
Boy, can I ever relate!!!!!!! I am in my 40's and went out with my first love for almost 6 years. We began dating the summer before my senior year of high school and he was my first kiss, my first everything. We were together all of our free time and fell in love within a few months. We continued to date through college, (although we were in different states and only were able to see each other every few months), and dated for about 7 months after I graduated. (However, after we went away to college, we broke up several times over the years. I was the one that broke up every time except for the first break up, but it was due to misconceptions that I had.
Anway, fast foward - I wound up marrying someone else and due to multiple problems in my marriage, I frequently thought about my first love and always wondered if I had made a mistake in breaking up with him. I wondered where he lived, if he was married and had kids, etc. I also had become very close to his family while we had dated and I truly had loved them and wondered how they all were as well! I felt like I never had closure, especially since I had broken up with him abruptly over the telephone, that last time.
When my son became the age that I had been when I began dating my first love, the thoughts and memories of my first love intensified. Compound that with an unhappy marriage, and eventually I couldn't resist contacting him, especially when I had been so unhappy in my marriage. I e-mailed him through a popular class web site and he e-mailed me back that same morning and we have been e-mailing each other for over a year.
I think we both had questions about our break up and both always wondered about the other. We even wound up talking one day on the phone, and we both cleared up most of the misconceptions we had about our relationship. He told me that he had loved me very much and that I had been his best friend. I was able to finally clarify to him the reason why I had broken up with him and I think it was probably healing for both of us. What's really sad is that we broke up not because we didn't love one another, but because of parental inteference and misguided impressions on both our parts.
He never had children because he did not marry until his late 30's and basically told me he never fell for anyone for a long time after me. He obviously loves his wife and I think he has been happy with her, but I also think part of him still loves me. His mom once told me "you never forget your first love" and boy was she right!!! When you truly fall in love for the first time, and it is during an important period of the developmental process (especially in high school and teenage years, you don't put up all the boundaries that you do in later relationships. If you have not been hurt by other relationships, you allow yourself to become more vulnerable with that person, and you truly form an intimate bond of trust and love. There has actually been research done on this, in which they did either MRI's or CAT scan's (I can't remember which one now), and what they found is that there is literally "an imprint" that occurs on the brain of someone that falls in love during the teenage years. (I had done some reading, trying to understand the hold of first love on our thoughts and heart and that is what the experts had said as well.)
Anyway, I wanted to let you know there is someone out there that completely understands how you feel!!!!!!!!! But, I also want to tell you that since you say you have a wonderful wife, and you love her, be very careful. Don't ruin something wonderful you have with her. I only wish I could be so happy!
I'd love to hear your thoughts after reading my post. You are the only guy I can talk to about this that really understands what I am feeling!!!! :)
Hi Ken,

Do you have any idea where she is? Have you already checked the class web sites that people log in? As I said before, that is how I found out basic info about my first love and was able to e-mail him. If she is registered and has posted a profile about her life, you may be able to find the answers to some of the questions that you had. Do you live in the same town or state that you went to high school in?

I have a question that I would like your perspective on. Since my ex has continued to e-mail me, do you think that he may still have feelings for me even if he is happy in his marriage like you are? I was amazed after I read your post, that despite your happy marriage, that you still think about your ex on a daily basis. I have to admit, that I think of my first love multiple times a day since we have been in contact and I was wondering if he thinks of me often also. What do you think? I also dream about my ex, but that has occured since we have been in touch again. We have discussed past feelings, but neither one of us has said anything about current feelings, but I get the feeling that he must still care deeply or why would he have written for over a year, and it appears as though he doesn't want to loose contact with me. He has not said if he is happy or not in his marriage, but I assume he must be. He does not have any children because he married late.

Any way, I was just wondering what you thought about that.

It is nice to find someone that really understands the intense feelings that still exist after so many years. I have such vivid memories of our relationship, it amazes me how much I remember, after all these years!
[QUOTE=SofteeatHeart]Hi Ken,

Do you have any idea where she is? Have you already checked the class web sites that people log in? As I said before, that is how I found out basic info about my first love and was able to e-mail him. If she is registered and has posted a profile about her life, you may be able to find the answers to some of the questions that you had. Do you live in the same town or state that you went to high school in?

I have a question that I would like your perspective on. Since my ex has continued to e-mail me, do you think that he may still have feelings for me even if he is happy in his marriage like you are? I was amazed after I read your post, that despite your happy marriage, that you still think about your ex on a daily basis. I have to admit, that I think of my first love multiple times a day since we have been in contact and I was wondering if he thinks of me often also. What do you think? I also dream about my ex, but that has occured since we have been in touch again. We have discussed past feelings, but neither one of us has said anything about current feelings, but I get the feeling that he must still care deeply or why would he have written for over a year, and it appears as though he doesn't want to loose contact with me. He has not said if he is happy or not in his marriage, but I assume he must be. He does not have any children because he married late.

Any way, I was just wondering what you thought about that.

It is nice to find someone that really understands the intense feelings that still exist after so many years. I have such vivid memories of our relationship, it amazes me how much I remember, after all these years![/QUOTE]
Do you think this might not be the right thing emailing your married ex for whom you still have feelings for? Wouldnt you be upset if you were in his wife's shoes??? Have you thought about that?
I am only 24 and Ive never been married. But i have been in love (deeply) and that love has since become deceptive and we painfully went our separate ways, and he is now still with the girl that he broke up with me for.

So if I keep my experience in mind and fast-forward to 20 years from now, part of me can try to relate to what you're going through.
And, honestly, I think that the majority of what you are feeling is this abstract fantasy-thinking "the grass is always greener" syndrome. I think we are all guilty of this quite often (look how many people have affairs, leave their loved ones for others, etc.).
But unless you have become face-to-face reacquainted with this girl, know her personality, how she thinks, what she desires, how she communicates and deals with conflict (very important in a relationship), than how do you really know if she is right for you? Back 20 years ago she may have been what you desire now, but you broke up with her- so even if you were young and stupid, you were able to leave her once. I understand that people make mistakes, but unless you have a tangible and concrete comparison between your wife and this girl (meaning, a real person compared to a real person instead of an abstract concept vs. a real person)...than I think that you are falling under the 'grass is always greener' syndrome. Because you have no proof that it is actually greener than your wife, who you say loves you and is there for you.

I still think about my ex every day on some level (its been about a year), and I think it is sad that we are now strangers and I don't know what his life is like. I can say that I will probably always think these things- he was my first real love (during the years I was 22-24). However, already I assume that he has changed so much that we wouldnt work out now. Plus, he was able to leave me in such a hurtful way that I would never be able to want to see him again. I know that may not be the same for you, but I sort of live under the belief that the past is the past, especially if someone can leave you once or hurt you in any way...than they are not for you.

The other thing is that, after 20 years, people are bound to change. Just because you are holding onto this idea of her being this person you cant get out of your head does NOT mean she is anything you fantasize that she is. I know that you don't know what shes like until you find out, and that is part of the problem- but again, I think a lot of this is psychological. The grass is always greener, you want what you cant have, etc...After 20 years, you are going to be a totally different person, unless you live in a town with a population of 3 and you havent done anything new your entire life. Thats not to say that people dont find each other after 20 years and get back together, but i dont know if that actually happens when both people are still married (Id like to think it doesnt).

Finally, I wonder if the reason that you are somewhat obsessed with this woman is because of happiness/boredom/complacency with your wife, or if, regardless of her, you would have fantasized about this girl anyway. Part of me thinks that the obsession with this girl may stem from something you are not getting in your own marriage. That is often why we fantasize...it gives us the hope and excitement that we are lacking in life, often due to indifference, boredom, etc. Maybe instead of wondering whether to contact her or not, start analyzing what might be wrong in your own marriage, or how you can give to and get from your wife what youd like in order to improve things.

I hope this helps- these are just my opinions. I just think that it is a lot to risk just for an abstract idea of a person. Our minds are complicated things, and they often take up thoughts and obsessions in order to distract ourselves from the things we are lacking in our everyday lives. My advice is to get your head out of the past and put more of your energy into the present...and not to 'open a can of worms' as you say, all for a fantasy.
[QUOTE=horseygirl14]Hi everyone. I can so relate to this thread. It is exactly what I am going through. I am a 39 year old married mother of 3. I ran into my first love, my high school love at a party 4 years ago and we have been calling, emailing and seeing each other ever since. He is also married with 2 daughters and a stepson.

It's been very frustrating for us. We feel we are soul mates and that we are connected to each other but we are both married. We have not been sexually intimate with each other but we both want to, but I just can't take that step. He does not want to divorce his wife due to the financial costs and the fact that he loves his girls so much he does not want to be away from them at all. We don't even talk about that anymore.

We're not sure where we are headed, we just enjoy each other's company when we can see each other. It's been very stressful for me. It's been especially hard keeping it all inside and not being able to talk to anyone about it.

I hope my story helps someone else out there.

Take care.[/QUOTE]

Do you realize you are emotionally cheating on your husband and it seems like it will turn into something physical eventullay if you continue on this path with this guy. Do you love your husband... are you guys having major marital problems? what if he were carrying on an affair with another woman - how would you feel- probably not so nice when the shoe is on the other foot....
and as far as this guy goes... oh my goodness how many times have there been threads here about women who were in relationships with men who swore they loved them but couldnt leave their wives for some reason or the other. He is using you and he is just having his cake and eating it too. Not wanting to leave his wife because of the kids is a very poor excuse for not being able to be with you fully- he is just being selfish and disrespectful to you and his wife and kids by doing what he is doing. It is really disgraceful.
If he is your soulmate why dont you have the decency to tell your husband about him, inform this other guy that he needs to make a decision, you or his wife and stop communicating with him until then.
[QUOTE=horseygirl14]Hi everyone. I can so relate to this thread. It is exactly what I am going through. I am a 39 year old married mother of 3. I ran into my first love, my high school love at a party 4 years ago and we have been calling, emailing and seeing each other ever since. He is also married with 2 daughters and a stepson.

It's been very frustrating for us. We feel we are soul mates and that we are connected to each other but we are both married. We have not been sexually intimate with each other but we both want to, but I just can't take that step. He does not want to divorce his wife due to the financial costs and the fact that he loves his girls so much he does not want to be away from them at all. We don't even talk about that anymore.

We're not sure where we are headed, we just enjoy each other's company when we can see each other. It's been very stressful for me. It's been especially hard keeping it all inside and not being able to talk to anyone about it.

I hope my story helps someone else out there.

Take care.[/QUOTE]

Hi Horseygirl14,
How was your marriage before you ran into your first love 4 years ago? Were your spouses present at the party? Was it a high school reuinion?
Hi people;

Soulster said: "Forget your emotional sanity... you need to get a good dose of self respect"

Now I know some of the people on here experiencing strong lingering feelings for old flames may be likely to find that remark a bit cutting, but I have to say I'm in full agreement with it. I'll give you some perspective here from the other side of the fence. I'm someone who's had my partners ex (of ten years) turn up and try her damndest to get back with her ex (my boyfriend of over four years). Now, I'm going to be very frank here;

I don’t have THE SLIGHTEST SHRED of respect for that woman’s behaviour. You may think this is down to jealousy and I'll hold my hand up on that front, there was a degree of jealousy when I found out what had gone on, I wouldn’t be human if there wasn’t, but my disrespectful feelings are not connected to jealousy, I can honestly say. I disrespect her because she begged and pleaded, by her actions, to be treated like dirt. Here's the story;

She met my man twelve years ago. They spent about two years together and in that time became engaged. He ended the relationship because, in his words (get ready for it!) he "wasnt attracted enough to her to imagine she'd be the only woman he'd ever sleep with again"! Of course he didn’t tell her the real reason, he didn’t want to insult her on top of causing her the inevitable hurt he'd cause by breaking off the engagement, so he just told her he couldn’t go through with it, and they broke up.

Of course I asked him why, if they were his true feelings, he'd ever gotten engaged in the first place. The answer is long and complicated, so I wont repeat it all here (besides the fact that this is other peoples personal history I'm talking about here, and as much as I disrespect her behaviour, I do respect both his and her right not to have their history plastered up for all to see on the internet) But the bones of it was this; she'd had a lot of problems, they'd started out as friends and it had escalated, he had a deep fondness for her and allowed himself to get carried along by her wants and desires. Stupid of him, BIG-TIME stupid, but in his defence; who out there hasn’t been stupid at least once in their lives?

Anyway, as I said, he broke it off; she was devastated. They didnt see eachother for a long while (six/seven years) and then they ran into eachother about six months into our relationship. When he told me he'd ran into his ex fiancée I didnt have a problem with them seeing eachother for a few drinks now and then (because they were meeting in company, they had another friend in common who he'd also reconnected with when he met her, but also because I knew WHY they’d split – she hardly seemed like a threat in those circumstances!) Anyway, cutting a long story short, despite how reassured I felt, they slept with eachother behind my back.

In the aftermath of that, apparently she assumed that the drunken night they'd spent in bed meant he'd come running back to her in the realisation of what a dreadful mistake he'd made all those years ago - while the reality was he regretted their drunken bang from the moment he woke up beside her with the hangover from hell! The little details that came out since are unbelievable! (by the way, I didnt get to hear about this until two years ago, 18 months after it happened. I was devastated and it lead to us splitting temporarily) Apparently she'd picked hairs of mine from his pillow and let them drop to the floor with this sad look on her face (my hair is long and black, hers is long and blond, so there'd have been no mistaking who's hair belonged to who'!) She continued to express her disappointment in various strange little ways and when she realised that he had no intention of giving her a repeat performance, and also that he was going to the ends of the earth to make sure I'd never find out about it, she broke her own heart all over again. She went a bit crazy, calling him at all hours of day and night, texting strings of texts in a row, and just generally behaving like your typical neurotic scorned woman - Glenn Close Fatal Attraction style!

Now, I know my man treated her badly, I'm not trying to paint him as any kind of saint; and believe me, the fact that he treated me badly in all of that didnt escape my attention either! Do I hate him for it? At the time, yes; but not anymore. We all know what men are like, a few drinks and a naked woman begging for sex.. But at the end of the day, she was someone who was told the situation ten years ago, couldn’t or wouldn’t accept it, just refused to move on and instead came back begging for more.

This is why I have no respect for this womans behaviour. She made herself into a doormat and clearly has no respect for herself – so why should I? I'd break any mans face for even THINKING about treating me like that. The refusal to marry me ten years ago would have been enough for me - never mind coming back begging for a change of mind a decade after the fact! Then making a nuisance of herself with constant pleading texts and calls..

I should add that my man and his ex bumped into eachother quite by accident; if I'd found out that she'd tracked him down deliberately I'd have even less respect for her (which would be difficult!) I think that sort of 'scavenging in the past' type behaviour is totally pathetic, just really REALLY sad. It smacks of someone who dosent have any kind of life and is looking to find one in the ghosts of her yesteryears. Also, and I sincerely mean this; in the case that there are wives and children involved, I think a woman who goes looking for an ex and stays in touch after she finds out there's a wife involved should really get herself some professional help in building self esteem, as she clearly cannot cultivate it on her own.

I think the people on this thread who are still pining for people donkeys years after the split really need to realise when it's LONG – PAST - TIME - TO MOVE ON!! There was a reason my man and his ex split up, just as there was a reason I split with all my ex's, and that reason was because - IT - DIDNT - WORK!!! She and my man had their chance - it DIDN’T WORK, and throwing herself at his feet years after the fact begging and pleading just exposed her as pathetic, both to me AND to him. He has since told me that he's actually embarrassed for her.

Dont make the same mistake in your own lives; if it didnt work it didnt work for a reason and you need to realise when, as I said, it's long past time to move on.





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