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Thanks Willap-

Our relationship for the past 8 months has been miserable on this topic, because of how he handled these situations. For instance, when his friend called me names in the past, his reaction wasn't to tell him he was overstepping his bounds but to let it happen. Another woman (the friend in question's friend" went up to him at a party when I was 5 feet away and said "I don't get it, why are you with her, you can do much better."

I'm angry because I don't think that for one his friend should be telling me about my realationship with my boyfriend and explaining what friendship means. Because honestly, I let him hang out with whomever... and was indifferent toward him hanging out with this guy until he started writing me rude letters and talking bad about me to him.

Now I'm at the point of knowing that if this guy does anything, or if he's a jerk to me, in the end he'll be made a priority over me. I only started having a problem with them hanging out when his friend aggressively went after me verbally. Now I think that a true friend wouldn't do that in the first place, and why is he friends with him if he has the capability to act that way towards me?

Another insult to me is that my boyfriend wasn't offended by this guy taking cheap shots at me. And he should be! Instead he was trying to be the mediator between if the source of all the problems wasn't him.

So I wrote an apology back for everything and accepted his apology. This is the correspondence from today. I'm pretty annoyed that he tells me how we're going to live with my boyfriend. This is between him and I. I made another reference about his wife. He let them be mean to her and talk bad about her before they were married.

If you have the patience to read this, let me know what you think.

This is what I wrote:



I can accept your apology for what you said yesterday. I know you and Brad have had a rough week, and I can cut you a break on that considering the circumstances. But being completely cut out of my best friend's life is not something that I can live with or quickly forgive, unless we can start making amends, or come to an understanding and respect one another's role in Brad's life.

When I wrote you back in August, I was upset. I missed my best friend (and so do my boys). And I was pissed that he and I couldn't have any time with him without frequent interruptions and him having to run off to be somewhere. Heck, one time last spring, Brad was text messaging you when we were on the putting green of a golf course, and there were players behind us waiting on him and his two thumbs so that they could play through! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I wasn't mad at you, Niki...but I wrote a note to you (and then to Brad) when I was mad, and you got the brunt of it. It was a mistake.

I understand that you might worry about Brad going to a game, or a sport's bar with me and driving home when he shouldn't. I respect that, and I know that your concern is out love and care for him, not out of manipulation or control.

So in the future, why don't we try to address the real issues...rather than each other's short-comings?

ie, I can agree to call you if Brad needs a ride. -or- maybe Brad can excuse himself and call you now & then if we go out, rather than carrying on two conversations at once, or texting on a golf green. Or, perhaps instead of all of us trying to meet at Tiki Bob's with dollar drink specials and then have to worry about driving home from Seattle, we might be able to find a local pub or restaurant? Unfortunately, the dance club scene kind of passed us by, and Debi and I have become home bodies I guess...I dunno. That's why we like to throw house parties, so that we can see our friends and they all have a place to crash.

I guess I'm asking you to think about what the real issues are with Brad & I (ie, drinking and driving) and I'm willing to work with you on a solution and will respect whatever is agreed upon. However, if there are issues on either side based on someone else's past behavior, or based on something out of Glamour or Men's Health magazine having to do with the opposite sex, perhaps we can try not to put one another in that mold and make assumptions that aren't real.

Here's my concern (his friend),:

As you may not know, I have no problem with my boyfriend going out anywhere.. I let him do whatever he wants.

When you and my boyfriend initially hung out, I was indifferent to this as I was as I am when he hangs out with Pat or Jim frequently. (they go everywhere and I don't care.)

However, I have a huge issue with you thinking you have jurisdiction between us, and you've taken any opportunity to dictate your opinion in private issues.

If you don't like how often I call my boyfriend, this is not your jurisdiction or business to call me or talk to me of your opinion. It's simply not your business. It's also not your business to tell my boyfrend what you think of our relationship or whether he decides to answer the phone. If you have a problem with it, maybe this is a problem you have with my boyfrend. After all, he decided to go out with ME, I'm not forcing him to do anything. If Brad says that's what we agreed, that's where you step down and deal with it. After all, we're not dating you.

If you and your wife have a lifestyle that you think is better, that's fine, but we don't have to follow your assumptions on life. It's outright rude to assume as much. Would you like me to tell you you guys ought to go to church? What If I told you I thought it was flat out rude to allow others to talk badly about your wife before you both were married? It's rude right? So don't do it. It's not your place, although you're used to it being as much.

So what's my issue? Bottom line, quite simple: You get angry about something, so instead of showing restraint, you are outright disrespectful to me and take allowances that aren't yours to take. I don't like the name calling and the rudeness, I frankly don't like the culture or environment you're creating.

If you want to dictate to me, then fine. But you're talking to a wall. Maybe you're even blaming the wrong person, after all: I never had a problem until you felt that there was a problem. Apparently I have to do a huge show and dance to impress you and your wife . After all, things were "unrepairable" between us because I did nothing.
Thanks for your advice mys.

yeah, I believe that this friend would word things to sound apologetic in order to manipulate the situation. The thing is, I was completely fine with Brad and this guy hanging out until he started causing problems. He initially would write angry letters to my boyfriend because they couldn't hang out as much because of me. Then he turned on me.

At this point, it is my boyfriend's perception of all of this that is the most concerning to me. I let him know yesterday that while I'm fine with him hanging out with his friends, this friend in particular had to be out of the picture to go on. I know I probably shouldn't ask this, but I know in my heart that I can't believe that this friend will not try something else deviant to hurt me in the future, and I need him out of my life.

I'm ok if we break up, or so I think. I came to terms with it yesterday, and told him he's welcome to take all the time in the world to think about where he stands. I also said that no matter what I love him with all my heart and can only understand and support what he feels is best.

I honestly don't think he'll continue our realationship, but then again, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

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