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I agree that when a friend is being deliberately disrespectful to his friend's significant other then there is a big problem. If his friend can't be respectful to you then why should you accept him? You don't have to. It wouldn't be so bad if you disagreed once in a while but if this man is competing with you to be the center of your man's attention it strikes me as odd - he should get a life of his own. I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour either. People like him don't change. The letter was to appease you so it may or may not have been sincere.

I am a little biased in this because I had a similar situation happen to me. Although mine was pretty bad. My husband had a friend years ago that was intensely rude to me as he always wanted his own way and tried to control my husband (he was my boyfriend then) - this man was used to getting his own way and I spoke up for myself something he did not like- we occassionally had an argument but nothing major then one night he wanted my husband to drive to get some beer and they had both already been drinking - I told him no way was he (my husband) going to drive anywhere or be in the car with him while driving ( my best friend had just lost her boyfriend and 4 of his friends to a drunk driver in a severe car crash just a few weeks before) - I was completely in the right and this friend went on a tangent arguing with me trying to say how controlling I was - the fight between us intensified and I walked out the door into our car -the friend tried to slam my leg with the car door - my husband took my side - I told him under no circumstance would this man ever be allowed in my life ever again. Needless to say the friendship ended and I hadn't seen him in years or spoke to him in over 10yrs. Then two weeks ago my husband ran into him at a restaurant and to show how much of an a** this guy is he told my husband that if he were still in our lives he would have never married me! My husband told him he has no control in our lives or who he marries. I laughed at how immature he is thinking that after all this time he thinks he is still in control of our lives.

I know my story is way more severe than yours. Your boyfriend has to stand up for you - if he doesn't then I would let him go - he may appreciate you more when you give him the boot. It is not his friend that will keep him warm at night or provide him with a family. He is just a friend and friends are secondary to family.

So I wrote an apology back for everything and accepted his apology. This is the correspondence from today. I'm pretty annoyed that he tells me how we're going to live with my boyfriend. This is between him and I. I made another reference about his wife. He let them be mean to her and talk bad about her before they were married.

If you have the patience to read this, let me know what you think.

This is what I wrote:



I can accept your apology for what you said yesterday. I know you and Brad have had a rough week, and I can cut you a break on that considering the circumstances. But being completely cut out of my best friend's life is not something that I can live with or quickly forgive, unless we can start making amends, or come to an understanding and respect one another's role in Brad's life.

When I wrote you back in August, I was upset. I missed my best friend (and so do my boys). And I was pissed that he and I couldn't have any time with him without frequent interruptions and him having to run off to be somewhere. Heck, one time last spring, Brad was text messaging you when we were on the putting green of a golf course, and there were players behind us waiting on him and his two thumbs so that they could play through! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I wasn't mad at you, Niki...but I wrote a note to you (and then to Brad) when I was mad, and you got the brunt of it. It was a mistake.

I understand that you might worry about Brad going to a game, or a sport's bar with me and driving home when he shouldn't. I respect that, and I know that your concern is out love and care for him, not out of manipulation or control.

So in the future, why don't we try to address the real issues...rather than each other's short-comings?

ie, I can agree to call you if Brad needs a ride. -or- maybe Brad can excuse himself and call you now & then if we go out, rather than carrying on two conversations at once, or texting on a golf green. Or, perhaps instead of all of us trying to meet at Tiki Bob's with dollar drink specials and then have to worry about driving home from Seattle, we might be able to find a local pub or restaurant? Unfortunately, the dance club scene kind of passed us by, and Debi and I have become home bodies I guess...I dunno. That's why we like to throw house parties, so that we can see our friends and they all have a place to crash.

I guess I'm asking you to think about what the real issues are with Brad & I (ie, drinking and driving) and I'm willing to work with you on a solution and will respect whatever is agreed upon. However, if there are issues on either side based on someone else's past behavior, or based on something out of Glamour or Men's Health magazine having to do with the opposite sex, perhaps we can try not to put one another in that mold and make assumptions that aren't real.

Here's my concern (his friend),:

As you may not know, I have no problem with my boyfriend going out anywhere.. I let him do whatever he wants.

When you and my boyfriend initially hung out, I was indifferent to this as I was as I am when he hangs out with Pat or Jim frequently. (they go everywhere and I don't care.)

However, I have a huge issue with you thinking you have jurisdiction between us, and you've taken any opportunity to dictate your opinion in private issues.

If you don't like how often I call my boyfriend, this is not your jurisdiction or business to call me or talk to me of your opinion. It's simply not your business. It's also not your business to tell my boyfrend what you think of our relationship or whether he decides to answer the phone. If you have a problem with it, maybe this is a problem you have with my boyfrend. After all, he decided to go out with ME, I'm not forcing him to do anything. If Brad says that's what we agreed, that's where you step down and deal with it. After all, we're not dating you.

If you and your wife have a lifestyle that you think is better, that's fine, but we don't have to follow your assumptions on life. It's outright rude to assume as much. Would you like me to tell you you guys ought to go to church? What If I told you I thought it was flat out rude to allow others to talk badly about your wife before you both were married? It's rude right? So don't do it. It's not your place, although you're used to it being as much.

So what's my issue? Bottom line, quite simple: You get angry about something, so instead of showing restraint, you are outright disrespectful to me and take allowances that aren't yours to take. I don't like the name calling and the rudeness, I frankly don't like the culture or environment you're creating.

If you want to dictate to me, then fine. But you're talking to a wall. Maybe you're even blaming the wrong person, after all: I never had a problem until you felt that there was a problem. Apparently I have to do a huge show and dance to impress you and your wife . After all, things were "unrepairable" between us because I did nothing.

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